Should I be upset that my boyfriend watches webcams?

[catorizor]

Hi, My bf lives out of state and I know he watches porn and webcams. I am not sure if he chats live with the girls on webcam, but if he did that would be too far. I don't think he does, I think he just likes to see webcams. I feel lonely a lot and want to ask him more about it, but I am afraid he'll get mad. He likes to have his private life and it is making it kind of hard for me. I want to know if any of you think webcams are worse than porn. I have come to accept the porn, but the webcams are causing my heart to race. I just want to accept it and be ok with it, but it is hard when I just think about it on my own. I would love some feed back on what you think is ok. I know it is not cheating, but it kinda feels like it is. I want to say to him, 'I want to strip for a camera, i'm hot and have a great body, and it's going to waste while you look at other girls strip. would you like it if i stripped for other men?' I don't know what to do, i feel shakey, jittery, i just don't want to mess up a good thing. we laugh, have great and fun conversations, he has had a tremendously positive impact on my life. I just want to accept him and love him for who he is, but i feel so lonely sometimes and just wish he wanted to see me naked more and other girls less. please tell me what he does is ok and why, or tell me why not, please just tell me something. thanks in advance for any feedback

[adr333]

Stop! I had a long distance relationship for two whole years and I thought everything was great he treated me like a Queen. Then one day he called me up and said we were over I later found out he was cheating on me with two other chicks. I was pretty heartbroken but I came to realize that I didnt really love him at all I only loved the idea of him. I had a whole different idea of who he was in my mind but it was totally wrong. I think you should date somebody that you see often so you can get an idea of what they are really like.

*If he gets upset when you ask about the webcam then he is hiding something.

[jo929]

you do not give your age, or say whether this is a serious relation ship or not, bit if it is serious i would not tolerate watching stuff like that go find someone else that cares for the good things in life, if he lives out of state then you know he dayes other girls, so start looking after you tell him it is over or to be kind tell him, you do not want hom to watch this and see what he says  luck  jo

[specialmom]

I wouldn't like it.  Whether you agree with porn or not, I can tell you that a whole lot of relationships are ruined by it.  Some people get carried away and it becomes a way of life and causes intamacy problems with a couple.  If you were okay with it and found it no big deal---  then fine.  But YOU seem uncomfortable with it.  Web cams seem very personal.  Needing that interaction outside of your relationship----  well, it would make me worry.  These things might just be worth moving on for.  Sorry.   Good luck.  By the way, have you told him that you are uncomfortable with it?  What is his response . . .  

[catorizor]

Oh, sorry for the lack of info, I am a 25 yrs old. He is 27, and a homebody, he has made me realize I am a homebody too. We have known each other 5 yrs and dated over 4 and a half. This is a serious relationship and we've talked lots about living together and have a pretty wonderful relationship. I just had what I might call a break thru and came back to let you all know what i have discovered about myself. I see now that i am using this as a way to avoid my responsibilities and place shame and blame on another. All he is doing is being free and learning what he likes and dislikes. due to this I have gotten in touch, finally, with my inner self and found out how metaphorically shackled I am. I long for the days when i was free and did not have shame, just respect and love for myself and life, I've realized i want photos of myself, not naked or anything, just pics. I learned that I am focusing on him and not my life. This is one of the reasons I have stayed with him so long, he makes me realize who I am and he wants me to be free and do what I want. Thanks to this, I now know what i really want. I want to find me. he found him, I'm scrounging thru him, but i need to stop that and find me. then he can know who i am and we will be stronger. or i'll leave him if i don't really like him. either way, here;s the thing, I trust him and know him, he wont cheat or do me wrong, but he will have fun, and that's all he wants me to do, find out what my fun is. I am often lazy, I don't try too hard, I am honestly mooching a bit off my parents, but him, he's free, and he is building a wonderful life for himself and I am leving myslef behind b/c i do things like look thru his stuff, ponder about what he might be doing, being angry at the things i think he's doing. this is all holding me back from finding me, and thanks to him, i realize i need to find me. this vid is just another way for me to make someone else look bad and not focus on my flaws, I need to let him be and learn who I am

[catorizor]

that's exactly what i was worried about, that he needs this from other girls, but like that long post right before this said, I realized it's not his fault. I am not who I could be, I'm expecting him to just let me in when I myself am shackled. My goal now is to free myself and stop being so tense and nervous and full of expectation. I will start by doing what I always wanted, which is take more pics of myself (decent ones), I was always afraid to do that b/c i thought he would get mad, I kept not doing things b/c i thought he may not like it, but even he told me that I need to make decisions for myself and not think of him when I make a decision, coz i did tell him about that. This can be a first step, the pics of myself that i'll post on facebook, It's time for me to be who i want to be, and he freed me! I have not told him that I am uncomfortable with it, i was trying to think of how to, but now, it doesn't upset me at all. I just had this great break thru and realize that I want to thank him for the little bit he did tell me months ago. he told me he was kind of into webcams and such, and thinking of his position, that must have been a big step for him to take. I want to thank him that he told me that and let him know I would like to know more if he ever feels like sharing. He is helping me become free again and learn who I am, I cannot push that aside

[catorizor]

lol, yes, and honestly, I've been afraid I have that kind of mentalilty, and he knows i do. Now don't get me wrong tho, i didn't buy into global warming, i do use my mind often, but i have this dependence on other ppl that i cannot understand. After posting the first post then calling a helpline, i went into my room to try and find some peace, that's when within a minute i started crying and finding out who i am and what i've been doing. The truth is... well i don't know, that's what i need to find out, and i keep looking to others to tell me. it wasn't til i went in my room and listened to myself that i realized I am not looking to myself, i and focusing on others, not just him, everyone, but him mostly coz he's my bf. I'm also on the border of trying to control him. I just want to be the free open minded person that accepts, b/c all i want is for ppl to accept me. I have tormented my self too long by restricting what i really want to do. it's time to stop worrying about other's opinions, starting with u miami, I appreciate the concern, and can see where you're right, the difference is i am willingly choosing to be one of those women at this point in my life coz it's hot and i hope he likes it.. it will change in time, maybe with me finding who i am, but for now, I don't know who i am so i look to others for my identity, what they might like. thanks for being honest, it just proves my point that i need to focus on me and figure me out instead of pry thru his life. all things come in time

[catorizor]

that's kind of rude miami, I am seriously sharing feelings and you go and call this post absurd, now i know why he hides feelings from ppl, eventually someone will insult or belittle you and make you feel like sh*t and you'll not want to really share feelings or ask for help again. I'm not like that tho, i know ppl belittle out of ignorance. maybe instead of insulting ppl you should think about how your comments might actually be of absolutely no use to anyone. the first one was ok b/c it had a point, but the second one was just unnecessary and down right mean

[mami1323]

I do apologize for my rudeness its just that we have so many posts that aren't for real. This seemed like one of them to me. Its the fact that you go from one thought to the next so quickly. For one thing I am far from ignorant I just feel like you are very easily manipulated and women who are this way do get pulled in to men and their manipulations. That's how it seems to me.

[catorizor]

And in the trust post, and i'm sure other posts, you give such good, sound caring advice, why am i the one who gets the short end of the stick, why didn;t you even consider a thoughtful caring answer, just put me down. I shouldn't care, i have other things to do than be on this forum now. i need to clean and get my life in check. later

[Judy246]

Wow! He has you under his control when he's behavior is upsetting you and just plain ol unexceptable. What worries me is that you are concern on not getting him mad, when you are the one become physically sick by his behavior. What's wrong with this picture?
If his is looking at live webcam now, what makes you think he will not take it a step further...he easily can.

It's time for you to have self respect and pride and just come out and tell him YOU WANT HIM TO STOP IT, IMMEDIATELY OR HE WILL BE RISKING LOSING YOU! Always listen to that inner voice inside that tells you when something is wrong, because if you don't tell him to knock it off, he just might take it a step higher.

[mami1323]

I am not a troll at all I'm actually a long standing member who has helped many but to me your post seemed a little off. I didn't mean to make you feel so bad again I'm sorry. What exactly is it you are looking for from your post?

[penswriter]

i have to agree in part with miami. he's definitely manipulating you. i would NEVER stand for my dh (even when we were dating...which was a ldr for 3 years while he was stationed over seas) looking at porn OR webcams. how could you WANT to be okay with him staring at girls on webcam? if he's watching them they're most likely doing the cyber thing which is WAY WAY WAY worse than porn. and in a way...cheating. so good luck with finding yourself through him and accepting his cheating ways. i see this relationship going FAR! (yes that last bit WAS sarcastic.)

[catorizor]

i see, i can see how it might seem fake, it's just thoughts come and go so quick with me, and this thing i've realized is something i don't want to forget and even wanted to share with other women who may be confused about who they are. I have gone my whole life caring for others and thinking of them while leaving me aside. i didnt think it mattered, it's just how i was, but i realize it's put me in a place where i don't truly know what i want. i keep thinking about what others might say about me so i acted according to that. what i realized in that short amount of time of listening to myself in my room is that i was using his actions and what he does as a scapegoat to avoid who i truly am. I am not working as hard i could to join him and finish school right, i keep taking the past of least resistance as he says. I found out that i am disappointing myself by creating these problems and ruining our relationship myself. he just wants me to succeed and get out of my parent's control and live my own life, preferably with him. he really is a great guy, but i look for excuses to make myself feel better for not trying as hard as i could and i need to step up and face it. i hope that sounds good, it's hard to get it all out accurately where it's easy to understand

[Judy246]

p.s. Mami meant no harm. She's been with us for quite sometime and she does care or she wouldn't be here. We do care about your feelings, but also be ready to hear truth that you need to put his feelings and concerns aside and start standing up for what is right or wrong. The foundation of a relationship is love, respect, trust and communication, so make sure you tell him how his behavior is causing you to doubt his feelings towards you, respect for the relationship and mistrust. Judy

[mami1323]

In my harshness I was trying to get you to see the light but then was concerned you weren't for real but I do want you to stop listening to your bf who seems to be convincing you that you are inadequate just so he can get away with inappropriate relationship behaviors.

[catorizor]

i just don't want to control him. I know he wont go further b/c i know him, He doesn't like ppl in general and he's an introvert. he thinks sex is a very personal thing that we share only with each other. I know it can seem like he's being way worse, but that inner voice tells me that he's not cheating, it's wierd, i would think it did, but it's telling me to wait it out and that i don't really know what's going on. it may seem bad, but i've been wrong about a lot of thing in our relationship, and i don't want to shatter his trust again. i shouldn't have snooped.

[catorizor]

you are so right, it's just hard to tell that person how you feel if you can't even really say how you feel, it's hard for me express myself somethimes

[mami1323]

Thanks Judy :) are you sure this is how you truly feel or is your bf telling you what he thinks you need to be doing?

[penswriter]

oh he is taking you for a ride!!! you HONESTLY don't think he's having cyber sex with these women on their webcams??? and obviously if he's watching strange women on them he likes people and isn't as introverted as he's leading you to believe.

[catorizor]

you have a point, my friend even says he flips things around on me when we talk, it's hard to make him not flip it and me not be wrong, so i don't know hpw to tell him anything without that happening

[catorizor]

omg, i thing u may be right, there's my heart again, damn it, i had it under control. what if he is? how am i supposed to ask him without him lying?!

[mami1323]

He may be an introvert as far as not actually physically being intimate with these women but a webcam is more personal than watching a porn movie. He actually interacts with these women. This is a real problem.

[penswriter]

ask him. if he has nothing to hide he'll be straight with you. if he gets mad it's probably b/c he's been lying to you.

if he truly loved you no matter how far away he is he would not be watching webcams or looking at porn.

[catorizor]

what am i supposed to do? I don't know how to get the truth out of him, i'm scared, i gotta talk to him tonight b/c my heart is pounding, i can't take this. but i can't talk to him like that, if i ambush him he'll def hide it, i just need to be calm and try to coax it out or something