Should I leave?

[awakened50]

I have been married for almost 20 years.  Have two teenagers still at home.  Since we got married, my husband has never worked steady.  He has always refused to work for someone else.  I have always worked and been the stable force in the family.  He has had a very small, seasonal business this entire time, but only worked when he felt like it.  For the past six years, he has barely worked at all.  This has caused a lot of resentment to build up in me and the kids.  We cannot depend on him.  I recently had a "nervous breakdown" and, through therapy, realized that I am really done with this relationship.  I feel bad for hurting him because he is a kind, decent person.  I love him as the father of my children and as a person, but don't feel any romantic love for him at all anymore.  I've told him that the kids and I are leaving and he is devastated.  Am I being fair to him?  He swears he will change and start being responsible, but after 20 years of not doing so, I just don't have faith that he will/can change.  

[teko]

If the guy does not cheat, drink, do drugs or stay out with the guys all night then he is worth your investment. It sounds like you have enabled him all this time to do what he has done so you must share the responsibility for the outcome of it. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence and you might just be giving up a very decent man and end up with one of the above. No marriage is perfect and all marriages have dulldrums after 20 years. You made a committment to him and your relationship way back when, think long and hard about what you are doing. After all, once you leave, your gonna carry the load anyways and be alone on top of it. I vote for staying and giving the guy a second chance!

[vmvnpv]

I would definitely try marriage counseling if you are willing to make the marriage work.

[Judy246]

Are you willing to go to marriage counseling with him? Are you willing to trust him when he said he will change? How about if he starts right now and get a full time, 9-5 job?

I personally would have left him a long time ago, but, that's me. I do see that he shows remorse and is willing to change?  Marriage counselor?

[heatherlynn22]

in his "down time" from working has he helped you at home? raising the children? or has it been more like you're a single parent with a roommate?

if he truly has been a "lazy bum" and has not helped you with anything throughout the course of your marriage then he's not being fair to you. a marriage is an equal partnership. it's 50/50. and he seems to be 90/10 for him. you could give him a few months to see if he does change and if he doesn't then you can leave. after 20 years...what's a few more months? but if he stays the same or gets meaner.....hit the dusty trail.