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How do I regain my boyfriend's trust after I lied to him?
Hello MedHelp community,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost one year (11 months). We go to the same college and about 6 months ago, we broke up for about three weeks because of reasons that don't have anything to do with why I'm reaching out for help now. After about two weeks of being broken up, my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend at the time) had gone home for the weekend and we weren't speaking at the time to try and make the break up a little easier. I went to a party and was getting some pretty intense looks from a boy I used to hook up with before I started dating my boyfriend. Now, I was slightly intoxicated at this party and feeling very sad and confused about my break up still. I honestly don't even have a completely clear memory of the night since it was so long ago. However, I consider myself to be pretty easily influenced by people, especially when it comes to my very fragile heart. So somewhere along the way, this boy and I decided to go up to a room and talk privately, I honestly can't remember who initiated it, but either way, it happened. We went up to a room and talked for a few minutes about where I stood emotionally at the moment, it was pretty obvious what he was trying to get at. When he asked me what I wanted him to do, I took a chance and potentially made a huge mistake by saying "Turn the lights off and kiss me". I needed to know if I was ever going to feel anything again after my heart had been broken. We kissed for a very brief amount of time and it didn't escalate any further than that because that isn't what I wanted, I wasn't ready to move on completely, I just wanted to know what it felt like to kiss another boy. We both decided that it wasn't the right time and that the kiss was a mistake, and before we could really finish talking about it, there was a knock on the door that my ride had arrived to bring me back home. I said sorry and very quickly left the room. The next day, this boy asked to talk about what had happened in a little more depth, and ended up pouring his heart out to me, saying he missed his chance when I started dating my boyfriend and that he regrets not being with me when he had the opportunity. Like I said before, I'm very easily influenced when it comes to my heart so this made me feel VERY conflicted. Now that DOES NOT mean I don't have any self control, but regardless, I ended up kissing him a couple more times during our conversation, but ultimately telling him that I wasn't ready to move on this soon and that I would need some more time. I did however, give him a small amount of hope that maybe when I was finally over my ex-boyfriend that him and I could try to spark something up again. When my boyfriend came back after the weekend, I told him about what had happened, BUT I LIED and said that he kissed me and that I had nothing to do with it and that I didn't want it. My boyfriend was very adamant on repeatedly asking "You're sure you didn't want him to? That it was all him?" and I assured him yes. About a month ago, my boyfriend went through my texts from 6 months ago and read a message from the boy saying "I kissed you because it's what you wanted me to do" which broke out into a massive argument about my lie. I understand that him going through my text messages is a huge trust breaker for most people, but honestly he deserved to know the truth one way or another. At this point I had repressed the memory of that night so strongly that I honestly couldn't remember what the truth was anymore (this is the one thing that he has the hardest time believing - that I don't remember what happened). I even lied to him a second time saying that the other kisses didn't exist and that it was only a cheek kiss, but only lied about that for a few hours before coming completely clean. I have told him everything I can at this point, but it's really hard for him because I can't clearly remember and he can't trust what I'm saying anyways. I feel that we are stuck between a rock and a hard place with this one, but we are so madly in love with each other that neither of us can seem to give up. I am aware that what I did was so wrong and that I changed his ability to have trust in me forever. But I'm also willing to do whatever it takes to regain that trust, because I know now what lying can do to a person and I never want to put him through that pain ever again. I tell him all these things often, but my credibility has completely gone out the window since I lied to him originally. He still struggles a lot with thinking that I'm still willing to lie to him, and I cannot find a way to make him see that I've changed. Please please please I would like all the advice that I can get on this one. Even if the advice is to just accept that I made an unforgivable mistake and to move on and let him be happy. BUT I just want you all to know that at the end of the day, I just want us to go back to being happy and I want him to trust me. BECAUSE I AM WORTH TRUSTING.
Thank you.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost one year (11 months). We go to the same college and about 6 months ago, we broke up for about three weeks because of reasons that don't have anything to do with why I'm reaching out for help now. After about two weeks of being broken up, my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend at the time) had gone home for the weekend and we weren't speaking at the time to try and make the break up a little easier. I went to a party and was getting some pretty intense looks from a boy I used to hook up with before I started dating my boyfriend. Now, I was slightly intoxicated at this party and feeling very sad and confused about my break up still. I honestly don't even have a completely clear memory of the night since it was so long ago. However, I consider myself to be pretty easily influenced by people, especially when it comes to my very fragile heart. So somewhere along the way, this boy and I decided to go up to a room and talk privately, I honestly can't remember who initiated it, but either way, it happened. We went up to a room and talked for a few minutes about where I stood emotionally at the moment, it was pretty obvious what he was trying to get at. When he asked me what I wanted him to do, I took a chance and potentially made a huge mistake by saying "Turn the lights off and kiss me". I needed to know if I was ever going to feel anything again after my heart had been broken. We kissed for a very brief amount of time and it didn't escalate any further than that because that isn't what I wanted, I wasn't ready to move on completely, I just wanted to know what it felt like to kiss another boy. We both decided that it wasn't the right time and that the kiss was a mistake, and before we could really finish talking about it, there was a knock on the door that my ride had arrived to bring me back home. I said sorry and very quickly left the room. The next day, this boy asked to talk about what had happened in a little more depth, and ended up pouring his heart out to me, saying he missed his chance when I started dating my boyfriend and that he regrets not being with me when he had the opportunity. Like I said before, I'm very easily influenced when it comes to my heart so this made me feel VERY conflicted. Now that DOES NOT mean I don't have any self control, but regardless, I ended up kissing him a couple more times during our conversation, but ultimately telling him that I wasn't ready to move on this soon and that I would need some more time. I did however, give him a small amount of hope that maybe when I was finally over my ex-boyfriend that him and I could try to spark something up again. When my boyfriend came back after the weekend, I told him about what had happened, BUT I LIED and said that he kissed me and that I had nothing to do with it and that I didn't want it. My boyfriend was very adamant on repeatedly asking "You're sure you didn't want him to? That it was all him?" and I assured him yes. About a month ago, my boyfriend went through my texts from 6 months ago and read a message from the boy saying "I kissed you because it's what you wanted me to do" which broke out into a massive argument about my lie. I understand that him going through my text messages is a huge trust breaker for most people, but honestly he deserved to know the truth one way or another. At this point I had repressed the memory of that night so strongly that I honestly couldn't remember what the truth was anymore (this is the one thing that he has the hardest time believing - that I don't remember what happened). I even lied to him a second time saying that the other kisses didn't exist and that it was only a cheek kiss, but only lied about that for a few hours before coming completely clean. I have told him everything I can at this point, but it's really hard for him because I can't clearly remember and he can't trust what I'm saying anyways. I feel that we are stuck between a rock and a hard place with this one, but we are so madly in love with each other that neither of us can seem to give up. I am aware that what I did was so wrong and that I changed his ability to have trust in me forever. But I'm also willing to do whatever it takes to regain that trust, because I know now what lying can do to a person and I never want to put him through that pain ever again. I tell him all these things often, but my credibility has completely gone out the window since I lied to him originally. He still struggles a lot with thinking that I'm still willing to lie to him, and I cannot find a way to make him see that I've changed. Please please please I would like all the advice that I can get on this one. Even if the advice is to just accept that I made an unforgivable mistake and to move on and let him be happy. BUT I just want you all to know that at the end of the day, I just want us to go back to being happy and I want him to trust me. BECAUSE I AM WORTH TRUSTING.
Thank you.
Best Answer
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, it will be okay and give it time. It sounds like you value this relationship very much. But you also have to stay true to yourself and value yourself as well. Hang in there and let us know how it goes, okay?
Thanks everyone :) things are pretty hard right now but I think it's going to end up alright.
2 Comments
It will be ok. Give it time.
You're going to be fine sweet girl. Be good to yourself and please let us know how you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
One thing I find very telling is that I wrote my response to you with no judgment and never said at all ever ever that you were to blame or had self control issues, etc. To me, I almost feel like YOU may be making this into a bigger deal with your boyfriend that anyone else is based on that. My response to you was no matter what happened, own it and move on. You were within your rights to sleep with or kiss or have anyone put a band aid on your pain at the time that you felt fit to do so and should not feel guilty about that. I'd not give a man the power to make me feel guilty in the situation you describe. But you have---- because YOU already felt guilty and are doing that self loathing thing.
Don't do that to yourself. It's never good to lie. We all know that. But you did out of self protection and fear of his reaction. That's legit. I think you really did not have to tell your boyfriend a thing. That was YOUR business after he broke up with you.
So hon, I was in my first response and am in this response on your side. I do think we all have to learn from mistakes. Figure out if you feel you made any and don't repeat. And move on. If your boyfriend can't get over you kissing someone--- then he is looking for a reason to break up with you again. good luck hon
Don't do that to yourself. It's never good to lie. We all know that. But you did out of self protection and fear of his reaction. That's legit. I think you really did not have to tell your boyfriend a thing. That was YOUR business after he broke up with you.
So hon, I was in my first response and am in this response on your side. I do think we all have to learn from mistakes. Figure out if you feel you made any and don't repeat. And move on. If your boyfriend can't get over you kissing someone--- then he is looking for a reason to break up with you again. good luck hon
So basically, he broke up with you to play the field.
And now he's mad because after breaking up with you so he could be with other girls, you kissed some guy you used to date and said he initiated it.
I think this guy is spoiling for a fight, and wants to have the complete upper hand in your relationship ad will never "forgive" you although you will crawl and grovel how ever long he demands.
Why do you want this guy again?
And now he's mad because after breaking up with you so he could be with other girls, you kissed some guy you used to date and said he initiated it.
I think this guy is spoiling for a fight, and wants to have the complete upper hand in your relationship ad will never "forgive" you although you will crawl and grovel how ever long he demands.
Why do you want this guy again?
Yes, thank you. I originally was dumped 6 months ago because he was afraid that I would be the only love he ever knows. He told me that he wanted to be available to other options and we were taking space and not speaking when I kissed the other boy. I didn't think it was that bad of a thing until I had done it and realized I really wasn't ready to move on yet. And he's not even upset about the kiss, he's only upset that I lied about it. And I guess I just need to accept that I destroyed the most important thing in my life, and that I'll never be able to fix it..... and move on.... :'(
By the way, if i was "dumped" with no expectation of getting back, I would probably have initiated a kiss to try and help me move on and feel better. The only difference is, that i wouldn't have felt it necessary to talk about it, but if i was pressured, i would say that "it's not relevant , and it's not productive to our relationship for either me or you to share our personal lives, when we were broken up with no expectation of getting back together." That's what i'd say now, because i'm not your age. At your age, i would probably have done what you did. So PLEASE don't think that yo're being harshly judged here.
" But when you were dumped two weeks ago by the love of your life "
This is important.You're now divulging that you were "dumped" and it's not unreasonable (to me) for you to not kiss another boy. In fact, if you were dumped with no expectation of getting back, and this was no "break" then again whatever you do is your own business. The learning curve here, for you i think, is that you did not have to discuss what you did, after he dumped you.
Maybe that's where the "easily influenced" thing comes into play. In that you were easily influenced into telling your boyfriend what you did or didn't do after he dumped you. It is really none of his business and you need to work out knowing that you don't need to talk about stuff that is none of someone else's business, especially a person that "dumped" you and the expectation you both had was that you weren't getting back together (or just taking a "break")
Do you see what i'm saying? It is important that he dumped you and the reasons why, and it is important that you say you're easily influenced. Saying that you are easily influenced does NOT make you a bad person, it could mean that you can be taken advantage of, so for YOUR benefit , you can learn to protect yourself from being easily influenced.
This is important.You're now divulging that you were "dumped" and it's not unreasonable (to me) for you to not kiss another boy. In fact, if you were dumped with no expectation of getting back, and this was no "break" then again whatever you do is your own business. The learning curve here, for you i think, is that you did not have to discuss what you did, after he dumped you.
Maybe that's where the "easily influenced" thing comes into play. In that you were easily influenced into telling your boyfriend what you did or didn't do after he dumped you. It is really none of his business and you need to work out knowing that you don't need to talk about stuff that is none of someone else's business, especially a person that "dumped" you and the expectation you both had was that you weren't getting back together (or just taking a "break")
Do you see what i'm saying? It is important that he dumped you and the reasons why, and it is important that you say you're easily influenced. Saying that you are easily influenced does NOT make you a bad person, it could mean that you can be taken advantage of, so for YOUR benefit , you can learn to protect yourself from being easily influenced.
" First break up was because.. he was scared.... he would never know any other kind of love" So it actually is related. This was what i was talking about. There were ground rules in place, that he wanted to know other girls before he settled down. He was honest about his intentions during that break up and it included doing what you did in this last breakup.
So again, during this last breakup , the mistake that was made, was that you and he didn't have the same conversation you had when you first broke up.
Can you tell us why you broke up this last time? You've broke up for about three weeks because of reasons that don't have anything to do with why I'm reaching out for help now." but the fact is that the reason for the break up are necessary to make an intelligent relevant response to your question.
So again, during this last breakup , the mistake that was made, was that you and he didn't have the same conversation you had when you first broke up.
Can you tell us why you broke up this last time? You've broke up for about three weeks because of reasons that don't have anything to do with why I'm reaching out for help now." but the fact is that the reason for the break up are necessary to make an intelligent relevant response to your question.
Just gonna make a disclaimer: I feel like all of these responses are focusing on the one part where I said I was easily influence by others. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL. But when you were dumped two weeks ago by the love of your life and a boy from your past comes along and tells you he wants to make you feel better and that he wishes he hadn't missed his chance, MY HEART IS TOO FRAGILE FOR THAT. I ended up telling him to leave me alone anyways, but I guess what most of you are saying is that I screwed up and I can't fix it. Thanks for all the contributions :'(
2 Comments
Well, I don't think anyone stated that you "screwed up." It is up to your bf or ex bf if he wants to forgive and forget this lie. In life we have decisions and sometimes when poor decisions are made there are consequences. The best thing you can do is learn from the mistakes and move on in life. The only way to avoid consequences is to strive to make better choices/better decisions.
Sounds like the relationship was fragile in the first place. Your bf or ex bf wasn't really and may still be not 100% on board in regards to having a relationship with you. He sounds young and he may still feel he wants to experience other girls which is normal for a young guy.
There is a connection between the breakup and this situation. In a sense it is his perfect "out" or excuse to end things with you. He feels he is missing out in regards to being with other girls. I don't see how anything you did when you were broken up was any of his business and you had the right to tell him that. Instead you told him a slightly adjusted version of the truth and he found out the real version. No way to fix this especially if wanted out in the first place. Even if you got back together again chances are it would not last long.
I think you should give yourself a break from all this and just focus on yourself and other positive things in your life.
Sounds like the relationship was fragile in the first place. Your bf or ex bf wasn't really and may still be not 100% on board in regards to having a relationship with you. He sounds young and he may still feel he wants to experience other girls which is normal for a young guy.
There is a connection between the breakup and this situation. In a sense it is his perfect "out" or excuse to end things with you. He feels he is missing out in regards to being with other girls. I don't see how anything you did when you were broken up was any of his business and you had the right to tell him that. Instead you told him a slightly adjusted version of the truth and he found out the real version. No way to fix this especially if wanted out in the first place. Even if you got back together again chances are it would not last long.
I think you should give yourself a break from all this and just focus on yourself and other positive things in your life.
Do you want to be with someone who has doubts about you and about what he wants?
That's the thing though, I never even slept with him, it was just a couple kisses and I ultimately pushed the other boy away anyways.
Also, if you are easily influenced by others, that can be a big red flag in a relationship. What that means is that you can be influenced to go against a relationship commitment. In order to be fair and trustworthy, you need to work on steadfastly being accountable for your actions. Saying that you can be "easily influenced" will never be a good excuse for bad behavior, if you're an adult. So work that out, so you can be a reasonable partner for someone and so that you can take pride in your ability to be "solid" and so that your partners can count on you being "solid". This is the silver lining to what's happened., an opportunity for you to change things about yourself that will make you a better choice for a partner, than you were before.
The first time we broke up it was because we are each other's first love and he was a little scared that he would never break up with me and that he would never know any other kind of love. Pretty much unrelated. But thank you :'(
GREAT advice from above.
You say that you are easily influenced, and then said that it was you that initiated intimacy. By saying that you are easily influenced, it appears that you are making excuses for your behavior. The fact is that you initiated a kiss when you were broken up. That is a choice, and the problem is not necessarily the choice of initiating a kiss, the greatest part of the problem is that you lied.
To avoid lies in the future, if you are taking a break, there should be ground rules. For instance, we'll take some time on our own but we won't date (or initiate intimacy).
Or, We;ll take some time and be open to dating.
If there are rules and a commitment to stay of the same page, there will be no reason to lie. and if there are rules in place, there would be no reason to divulge what is personal during a break (no need to be hurtful and nobody's business but your own.).
As SM says, mistakes are our best life's lessons. Taking breaks as opposed to dealing with relationship issues, can be dangerous to relationship building, especially if there are no ground rules or purpose, for the "break:, Sometimes a couple just needs to be by themselves for awhile and no harm should come from that.
You say that you are easily influenced, and then said that it was you that initiated intimacy. By saying that you are easily influenced, it appears that you are making excuses for your behavior. The fact is that you initiated a kiss when you were broken up. That is a choice, and the problem is not necessarily the choice of initiating a kiss, the greatest part of the problem is that you lied.
To avoid lies in the future, if you are taking a break, there should be ground rules. For instance, we'll take some time on our own but we won't date (or initiate intimacy).
Or, We;ll take some time and be open to dating.
If there are rules and a commitment to stay of the same page, there will be no reason to lie. and if there are rules in place, there would be no reason to divulge what is personal during a break (no need to be hurtful and nobody's business but your own.).
As SM says, mistakes are our best life's lessons. Taking breaks as opposed to dealing with relationship issues, can be dangerous to relationship building, especially if there are no ground rules or purpose, for the "break:, Sometimes a couple just needs to be by themselves for awhile and no harm should come from that.
COMMUNITY LEADER
PS: sometimes our mistakes are life's best lessons. Find the wisdom in all of this and you will be better for it. good luck
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm a firm believer that you were of free will to make the choice to sleep with someone when broken up. And that you did so wasn't something you had to divulge. I'm sorry you felt you had to and I'm sorry you lied. That complicates things. All you can say is that you are sorry. You slept with someone when you were hurt and alone and mixed up from the break up and then were afraid he'd not want to be with you, so felt forced to lie. You regret sleeping with someone and you regret lying. But it's done.
If he chooses to not get over it, that's his choice. we all make mistakes. And you shouldn't suffer indefinitely from this. You were not with him at the time so it was your right to do as you pleased. I get that you wished you hadn't, but we can't go back in time.
good luck
If he chooses to not get over it, that's his choice. we all make mistakes. And you shouldn't suffer indefinitely from this. You were not with him at the time so it was your right to do as you pleased. I get that you wished you hadn't, but we can't go back in time.
good luck
Well, it would be helpful to know why you two broke up in the first place. The reason or reasons for the breakup and this situation might be too much for the relationship to survive. You stated you are easily influenced and that isn't a good thing if you want to be in a serious, stable relationship. It's concerning that you were already with this other guy two weeks after breaking up with your bf. I understand nothing went beyond kissing, but the situation is still concerning.
How to get him to trust you again? Well, that's a tough one because that's totally up to him and I can't really tell you anything to say or do to make him rebuild trust. Perhaps you both should take a break from all this; give him some space and let him process all this.
Lying is a dealbreaker for some and he might never recover from this and you should prepare yourself if he decides to end things completely with you.
How to get him to trust you again? Well, that's a tough one because that's totally up to him and I can't really tell you anything to say or do to make him rebuild trust. Perhaps you both should take a break from all this; give him some space and let him process all this.
Lying is a dealbreaker for some and he might never recover from this and you should prepare yourself if he decides to end things completely with you.
Once trust is broken even among people who have had decades together, it is hard to regain. In your shoes, I would accept that you have torn it, and tell him that if he can't get over it you understand, and move on.
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So , bottom line you're relationship is rocky to begin with because this bf is not sure what he wants. He doesn't really know if he wants you above all other women. That's the real issue here, that you have to consider. If a man told me that he wanted to experience other relationships or other girls, (for sex). I would take that pretty seriously. I would be thinking that if another girl showed him interest while he was not on a break, while he was with me, that he may well initiate a relationship behind my back, because it's a big deal for a guy who thinks that he might be missing out only dating one girl
I don't think you ruined anything. I think if your bf says that you have, it's more than likely because he wants to see other girls, and he wants to blame you for it. instead of him possibly looking like a heel.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. it's so hard when we know that our partner has thoughts of other girls. That's the real issue here. What you did was awkward, but not as awkward as him admittedly wanting to see other girls before he settles down. I wouldn't trust HIM. You obviously can be trusted, You walked away. Should he have had the same opportunity (knowing what you know, that he wants to experience other women) do you think he would have walked away after one kiss? I 'm sorry, but i don't think so., thus , i don't think you can trust him.