Taking small small steps

[mooreE]

Ok, so yesterday was a step in the right direction for me, somewhat.  I had one whole solitude day at home alone yesterday while my wife was away.  I used it to do some thinking about my past issues that have caused a raucous in our marriage at times.  I even opened the bible on my own for the first time ever.  I read just a few chapters of Genesis on how God created the Earth and all creatures on it, including us.  I read how the serpent tricked Eve into eating from the tree of good and evil as did Adam.  So that was something I did.  I picked up around our place, did the dishes.  I spent time with my wife watching tv when she got home from work, even if it is not my favorite thing to do until we went to bed around 8pm.  This morning I took another step.  You see, before I met my wife I dabbled a bit on lots of these vulgar sites, adult sites I guess you could say, and from time to time I have ventured to these sites, as they would send advertisements to my junkmail box, when my wife wasn't around since we have been married.  I know that this is against everything marriage stands for and that God stands for.  With that in mind, and being that I want to make changes, I went into my junk mail box this morning and without hesitation I unsuscribed to everyone of these sites so I don't have to see them anymore.  Some will take a few business days to be completely remove my email from there subscriber list, but it's all good cause I am done with it.  

I didn't come on here to ramble obviously.  My question is would I be better off making these changes and just drastically changing my lifestyle before my wife's very eyes by surprise?  Or should I let her know that I am doing these things as I do them so she can be put at ease?  If it were you what would you say to these type of changes being that you've had access to my mailbox and have seen these junkmail all the time as my wife has?  Please let me know your response.  If there is other bits of advice you may have to offer it is welcomed.  Thanks.

[imanaddict]

Actions speak louder than words!

[Ashelen]

I didn't realize you were doing school as well....so was my husband. he was working 30-35hr weeks (for the most part, although that's part of what the lying was about) AND going to school four days a week...so he felt like he was doing so much that all of his and my attention should be focused on him and what he needed and wanted...and I was being completely left in the dust and all my needs and wants were getting ignored. he's taking a semester off while the baby gets here and he may pick up a second job in the fall instead of going back (we'll have to see) until the spring, but that was a huge part of what was going on with us. he was so busy he just forgot about me and when I was begging him to help me, give me a break with our daughter or let me put my feet up instead of doing the chores or cooking...he just didn't care because he was so focused on him. he was also skipping work because he was depressed and so it was increasing our financial problems and putting a huge strain on us....and i was so bitter because I was still doing my job without complaint while he was letting us down. things are changing now and for me it's the small things.

definitely good to get things in order before kids get here. i wouldn't change our life for the world but our daughter and this pregnancy have made our relationship so much harder in so many ways...but of course they've also made our life and relationship richer.

try to remember that your wife is there to help ease your stress....she's there to talk to and relate to and help bear your burdens. it's okay to lean on her when you're stressed...it's not okay to shut her out and focus on yourself (even though that's the way we learn to deal with stress when we're growing up and/or single). hang in there you're headed in the right direction I believe :)

[mooreE]

Thanks.  The story actually has inspired me inside some more to do some other things that I need to do to make things better.  I did actually on Tuesday tell my wife that I was going to let my actions define me, and not my words.  I have another day off from school and work tomorrow.  I would like to read some more from the bible, along with housekeeping to keep myself busy.  Got exams coming up at school so I can put in study time as well.  My wife and I don't have kids, but I can't use that as an excuse for my actions.  We have talked about kids in 3-5 years from now.  I know what I am doing is right, I knew what I had been doing was wrong, just stress I think clouded my mind.  I will be making the effort to overcome stress from now on.  I would rather be trying to correct my wrongs now so I am better prepared later when we do start to produce children.  Thank you again.

[lovemykids465]

Good for you. Believe me, she will notice the change. I agree with Asheleen, let her know you are sorry and you are going to make an effort. Do not  be hurt if she is distant for a bit. My husband and I went through the same situation and even though I liked the effort he was making I kept my guard up b/c I had been given false hope so many times. Before long he would fall back into his bad habits, but it has been 10 months now and our relationship is stronger then ever. I admit I still secretly check up on him once in awhile, but not very often. Give her time.

[Ashelen]

In my opinion, I would say the best thing to do would be to say "Honey I'm going to make an effort to be a better husband to you. I want you to know how much I love you by my actions and I'm going to do the best I can to be the man you deserve." and leave it at that. I wouldn't go into specifics, because then it seems like you're just doing it for the reward which you're obviously not. Remember God rewards good deeds done in secret :). It's good to let her know you're making an effort for her, but let her recognize the things you're doing because then it improves the communication on both parts of the relationship.

I read your post before and I don't think I replied to it but I wanted to say that I'm in a very similar situation in my marriage, only I'm the wife who's been treated "less than ideally". I would never say my husband mistreated me, but we had a series of miscommunications (and yes he lied about a few things) that led to a general breakdown of the solidity and happiness of our marriage...I'm gonna share our story with you (it's kinda long, sorry!!!). We just went through a VERY difficult time. His grandfather developed a very fast-acting cancer about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and we went out of town to help care for him. I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant and we have a 19-month-old daughter, and the house we were staying in was 3 story and NOT baby proofed.....so I was literally making myself sick running after our daughter every second of the day to make sure that my husband could spend every minute with his grandfather and not worry about the baby (a good portion of the time was spent outside in the 90* weather because I didn't want my daughter's noises to be distracting while Joe was sleeping). The grandfather wanted us there because he adored our daughter and he apparently had very high respect for me so I didn't want to stay at home and have him miss that time with her....but it was very hard. I was losing weight and not eating, throwing up pretty regularly and getting bad contractions all from exhaustion...and after about 4 or 5 days of this my husband started to notice. by the end of the time (his grandfather died about 11 days after the diagnosis, and we were there almost the entire time except for 2 days) my husband recognized how much effort I was putting into it without saying anything. He came to me before the funeral in tears and said "I've realized what a horrible husband I've been, and I want to die some day with no regrets. I swear to try to be a better husband and father and I'm going to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage...I realize that you deserve my dedication and I've been so wrapped up in my own needs for so long that I've lost focus on that."

and I must say...it's been several days and while he hasn't been 100% perfect he's worked a lot harder at it. I haven't ASKED anything of him, but he took our daughter to buy her a toy for the first time the other day....and he cooked dinner last night because I was having contractions and couldn't get up off the couch....he took out the trash without being asked, and fed my parrot so I wouldn't have to....and let me tell you. I NOTICED. I said thank you when we were lying down for bed, and I even initiated some intimacy while our daughter was napping yesterday evening for the first time in months. (we've been intimate, but that was the first time I initiated).

I'm sorry if it seems like I"m just rambling, but I wanted to let you know from a wife's perspective that small things really do make a difference. my husband had a problem with visiting adult sites as well...and while it wasn't a deal-breaker in our marriage, it definitely hurt me and he knew it. I know for a fact (i've checked ONCE) that he hasn't done it since then...and I don't need to look anymore because I swore I would trust him if he swore he would do his best to stay on the straight and narrow and that he would tell me if he stepped off of it.

I felt like I was drowning in my marriage because between the lies and my husband's focus on his own needs and his selfish tendencies, I was giving so much and neither being recognized or having it returned. I know that that's all a part of marriage, but a person only has so much energy and ability before it's all worn out...and I was physically running out of energy and emotionally running out of ability. This self-realization of his came just in time...and I think that the small changes he's making in our lives add up to a big enough change that we'll be able to fix things and get back on track. I think you're on the right track with your wife...and I really wanted to tell you my story so you could understand how it feels from the other side. I know that my love for my husband wasn't diminished by his actions, but it was harder to love him than it should have been. Keep making small changes for the person you love and soon it'll pay off for both of you. make sure you tell her that you're going to make the effort and let HER notice what effort you're making.

i'm sorry this was so long I hope it helps.