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is the affection my husband gives his 7 yr old daughter normal
I am married to a man who has a 7 year old we have had her since she was 3 full time I feel like he gives her affection he should give me he comes home from work and goes straight for her not even saying a word to me if i disciplined her he goes against me she knows that he will get mad at me and let her do what ever i feel her being almost 8 years old and saying she is just a baby is not normal he lets her get in the bed him in his underwear and spoons with her rubs her head and like tickles her back with the tips of his fingers the way he does me it maybe im jealous a bit but i have children and this is uncomfortable for me and weird he picks her up and puts her legs around him they kiss on the lips and she tells him to bite on her ear yes playing is fine like that when they are babies but almost 8 i know he is not doing anything sexual with her but last night he had her in our bed and i asked him to look at some pis online and he was laying on his belly in his underwear and she was runing the tips of her fingers all over his back and sides i will find him staring at her and them smiling at each other and blowing kisses yes its sweet but it goes on an on and our sex life has died because i am not feeling sexual and i don't know why please tell me im not crazy
Often times we allow age to control our thinking when it comes to the affection our spouses gives the kids. You maybe thinking that seeing that she's 8yrs old the things he did with her when she was 3 is not so cute anymore. It may just be that in his eyes she's his babygirl regardless of how old she gets and he feels she is his world and in fact he is right! She's his daughter and he does not want her to think that she is being replaced by you. Your jealousy may be getting the better of you as you feel the attention and care that he gives to her is in so much abundance that your attention and care by him is being slumped on. I completely get this. While she is his child she is a child. You are his wife and certain times should be spent alone by the both of you. In Jamaica we would say the gilr needs to "hold a child's space". Your husband needs to understand that adults need to be separate from children sometimes. I do not think it is right that when she does something wrong he needs to go behind your back and change that, if he does not agree with the punishment then he should speak to you in private and both can come up with a common ground on how to handle the issue.
Speak with your husband and ask him how can he expect tht little girl to have respect for you if he does not have respect for you. Open your mouth and say how u feel otherwise noone will know and u will continue to be put down. You have a say tho it's not ur child it's ur husband and u r an adult in the household. I hope it all works out for u!
Speak with your husband and ask him how can he expect tht little girl to have respect for you if he does not have respect for you. Open your mouth and say how u feel otherwise noone will know and u will continue to be put down. You have a say tho it's not ur child it's ur husband and u r an adult in the household. I hope it all works out for u!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hon, sounds like your marriage is in trouble and it has nothing to do with his daughter.
She is only 7. I have a seven year old. I think it is great he is affectionate with her. Your insinuation that they are inappropriate is disturbing. Especially because you blame THAT on your lack of sex life with your husband.
Soon enough, she will want to distance herself physically from her father. And I agree, you could mention to your husband that perhaps he should wear real shorts around the house rather than just his boxer shorts---------- but I have two boys and I wear my pj's around the house. They could care less. And my husband wears his boxer shorts around the house. They (or I) could care less. But, if it makes you uncomfortable------ I guess you could ask him to dress in clothes.
My boys do a 'running' hug. They run as fast as they can and then their dad scoops them up with legs around his waist and tight hugs. I kiss them on the lips and have never thought a thing of it. They are my babies.
So, I think your marriage will be over if you start to make her the other woman. Instead, focus on your part and his part of your union that is in trouble. Some families really blend when they get together and some never do. I hope yours blends. But you need to stay on track and not make his daughter your enemy. good luck
She is only 7. I have a seven year old. I think it is great he is affectionate with her. Your insinuation that they are inappropriate is disturbing. Especially because you blame THAT on your lack of sex life with your husband.
Soon enough, she will want to distance herself physically from her father. And I agree, you could mention to your husband that perhaps he should wear real shorts around the house rather than just his boxer shorts---------- but I have two boys and I wear my pj's around the house. They could care less. And my husband wears his boxer shorts around the house. They (or I) could care less. But, if it makes you uncomfortable------ I guess you could ask him to dress in clothes.
My boys do a 'running' hug. They run as fast as they can and then their dad scoops them up with legs around his waist and tight hugs. I kiss them on the lips and have never thought a thing of it. They are my babies.
So, I think your marriage will be over if you start to make her the other woman. Instead, focus on your part and his part of your union that is in trouble. Some families really blend when they get together and some never do. I hope yours blends. But you need to stay on track and not make his daughter your enemy. good luck
Hello,
I feel the questioning in the words you type and I feel as though you may have a certain point that the other answerers did not address. I must say that I do see each of their positions and to a certain degree, I do agree.
The part that gets me is the looking into the eyes and little smiles as tho there is a secret or feeling that is personal between them and I do not mean in a father daughter
way, in a secret way.
You also said that he is not doing anything sexual with her.......Maybe not physically, but with those looks and the biting on the ear and the running the fingers down her back while spooning and her running her fingers the length of his back while laying in OUR bed. Girl, I say KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN, wide. Do not miss a move.
When he looks at his daughter, does he see his ex in her? As far as you not feeling sexual right now, Understandable if it is jealosy, but most men forget to love us all day to get the goodies at night. And you being married, do know that sex for a woman starts hours to days prior, and it starts in the mind.
Have you thought of getting a sitter to take kids to their place before he gets home ....PREP yourself and allow him to visit with the woman he fell in Love with years prior. We do sometimes get so used to life, that we do not try enough each minute to make it special.
Keep us updated and this is just a last minute thought...You have a computer, Have you checked the history of its travels as that can give you light as to your husbands desires unspoken.
I will pray that you have a wonderful blessed day!!! GOD BLESS!!!!! loimmarmar
I feel the questioning in the words you type and I feel as though you may have a certain point that the other answerers did not address. I must say that I do see each of their positions and to a certain degree, I do agree.
The part that gets me is the looking into the eyes and little smiles as tho there is a secret or feeling that is personal between them and I do not mean in a father daughter
way, in a secret way.
You also said that he is not doing anything sexual with her.......Maybe not physically, but with those looks and the biting on the ear and the running the fingers down her back while spooning and her running her fingers the length of his back while laying in OUR bed. Girl, I say KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN, wide. Do not miss a move.
When he looks at his daughter, does he see his ex in her? As far as you not feeling sexual right now, Understandable if it is jealosy, but most men forget to love us all day to get the goodies at night. And you being married, do know that sex for a woman starts hours to days prior, and it starts in the mind.
Have you thought of getting a sitter to take kids to their place before he gets home ....PREP yourself and allow him to visit with the woman he fell in Love with years prior. We do sometimes get so used to life, that we do not try enough each minute to make it special.
Keep us updated and this is just a last minute thought...You have a computer, Have you checked the history of its travels as that can give you light as to your husbands desires unspoken.
I will pray that you have a wonderful blessed day!!! GOD BLESS!!!!! loimmarmar
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well that is interesting Loimmarmar. I guess anthing is possible, right? I guess as a mother of two boys of similar age--------- I'm quite affectionate with them, probably look lovingly in their eyes and the secret they and I have is that I love them more than anything else, etc.
I'd probably be accused of having an affair with my sons. (gross). Do I love them more than my husband. In some ways, yes. It is different. If I've had a bad day, I would rather my husband get the grumpy me than my kids. I gave my kids the extra I had when I was super tired. Etc. And I'd want my husband to do the same. As long as our marriage is solid--------- we can afford to do that.
I think this comes up because this isn'ther daughter and she doesn't feel close to her husband. But that is just an outside opinion from a small bit of the story.
Hope it works out for all in this family.
I'd probably be accused of having an affair with my sons. (gross). Do I love them more than my husband. In some ways, yes. It is different. If I've had a bad day, I would rather my husband get the grumpy me than my kids. I gave my kids the extra I had when I was super tired. Etc. And I'd want my husband to do the same. As long as our marriage is solid--------- we can afford to do that.
I think this comes up because this isn'ther daughter and she doesn't feel close to her husband. But that is just an outside opinion from a small bit of the story.
Hope it works out for all in this family.
Thank you for your thoughts I love he loves his daughter I know the different ways people show affection I ama daddys girl I also have 3 girls and 2 boys I know that I have never seen things like this I just feel as though certain things should be sacrid between husband and wife like our
Thank you for your thoughts I love he loves his daughter I know the different ways people show affection I ama daddys girl I also have 3 girls and 2 boys I know that I have never seen things like this I just feel as though certain things should be sacrid between husband and wife like our our bedroom. He had a picture of her above his head of our bed on a stuffed animal I have him he got very up set when I moved it also had 4 other pics in out room I told him out room it is our space and a family photo would be fine but those made me uneasy I am jealous some I know this but I used to not be I feel like my feelings don't matter I do express my feelings and his defense goes crazy help I love my husband and my step daughter
Oh brother.... I don't even know what to say. I've got 2 boys (I am their father) who I love more than anything in this world, other than my wife. These guys are 17 and 14 respectfully, and when they were little fellers I used to kiss them on the lips... but now? No dice! They'd probably want to kick my hind end if I even tried.
Momma on the other hand, neither boy has a problem kissing their mother, and I don't have a problem with that either. I think there is a special bond that boys have with their mother, and it is probably the same with daughters and their fathers. If either one of my boys gets the smallest cold, by looking at my wife, you'd think they just had an organ transplant. (In fact, she doesn't like anyone in the house sick and would take any illness that rolled through the house from any of us if possible...because she is a mother.) Yeah, it is over the top perhaps, but that is her style and my boys know without a doubt that their mother loves them, all times.
I'd like to offer this as a bit of insight. Perhaps the amount of "over affection" your husband shows his daughter is because of the divorce with him and her mother. Maybe he is trying to prove to her that he is her father, and trying to be her mother too and putting a lot of love out there. I personally don't see anything wrong with that.... the spooning might be a bit much, but .....
This might just be his style. I grew up with a kid whose father showed no emotion at all, until the day my buddy shot his first deer. His dad couldn't have been more proud. The other time I saw my buddy's dad even close to showing any emotion was when my buddy graduated high school.... other times, emotions were shut off. That does not mean his dad didn't love him, quite the contrary. That was just his style. I also had a friend whose mother made a giant deal out of everything my buddy did. "Oh wow Gerry! YOu took the trash out. I am so proud of you. You always make me proud..." The kid was 17.... he took the friggin trash out, not cured cancer. Settle down ma'am. It is parenting styles.... personally, I think time outs are a joke, especially when they last a minute and the kid is like 10.....
This is a problem that you and he need to sort out. I think you need to take the daughter out of the equation as she is only 7-8 and is a kid. She needs the support of her father and you for that matter, but perhaps there can be some kind of a compromise. Talk it out with your husband, and don't pull punches. Let him see the feeling and emotions.... I don't know, even that might scare him off....
Momma on the other hand, neither boy has a problem kissing their mother, and I don't have a problem with that either. I think there is a special bond that boys have with their mother, and it is probably the same with daughters and their fathers. If either one of my boys gets the smallest cold, by looking at my wife, you'd think they just had an organ transplant. (In fact, she doesn't like anyone in the house sick and would take any illness that rolled through the house from any of us if possible...because she is a mother.) Yeah, it is over the top perhaps, but that is her style and my boys know without a doubt that their mother loves them, all times.
I'd like to offer this as a bit of insight. Perhaps the amount of "over affection" your husband shows his daughter is because of the divorce with him and her mother. Maybe he is trying to prove to her that he is her father, and trying to be her mother too and putting a lot of love out there. I personally don't see anything wrong with that.... the spooning might be a bit much, but .....
This might just be his style. I grew up with a kid whose father showed no emotion at all, until the day my buddy shot his first deer. His dad couldn't have been more proud. The other time I saw my buddy's dad even close to showing any emotion was when my buddy graduated high school.... other times, emotions were shut off. That does not mean his dad didn't love him, quite the contrary. That was just his style. I also had a friend whose mother made a giant deal out of everything my buddy did. "Oh wow Gerry! YOu took the trash out. I am so proud of you. You always make me proud..." The kid was 17.... he took the friggin trash out, not cured cancer. Settle down ma'am. It is parenting styles.... personally, I think time outs are a joke, especially when they last a minute and the kid is like 10.....
This is a problem that you and he need to sort out. I think you need to take the daughter out of the equation as she is only 7-8 and is a kid. She needs the support of her father and you for that matter, but perhaps there can be some kind of a compromise. Talk it out with your husband, and don't pull punches. Let him see the feeling and emotions.... I don't know, even that might scare him off....
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think that you admit your jealousy is a big step. I think that is the point here and where the problem lies. He wants pictures of his child in his room and maybe even a lot of him . . . he LOVES her and that bothers you.
I think that you are having marital issues and are resentful of his love for his daughter. I would work on the marital issues and leave his kid out of it.
I also think that if you continue to pursue having more distance between him and his daughter, he'll leave you. I hate to say that------------ but he obviously loves her and a parent can only take so much negativity toward their relationship with their beloved child before they'll get fed up. I would be that way. I'd never stay with someone that didnt support my relationship with my child.
Maybe instead of approaching him about his relationship and interaction with her (or pics in your room)---------- you could approach him about the marriage. What can we do to be closer? How can we work to be the happiest couple we can be? Maybe some marriage counseling would help. I think you are putting it on his daughter when the problem is between the two of you.
Again, just my guessing from what you've written. BUT . . . no child should have to live with a jealous grown woman who resents her relationship with her custodial parent. That is unfair to this child. So, reel that in and work on your marriage. good luck
I think that you are having marital issues and are resentful of his love for his daughter. I would work on the marital issues and leave his kid out of it.
I also think that if you continue to pursue having more distance between him and his daughter, he'll leave you. I hate to say that------------ but he obviously loves her and a parent can only take so much negativity toward their relationship with their beloved child before they'll get fed up. I would be that way. I'd never stay with someone that didnt support my relationship with my child.
Maybe instead of approaching him about his relationship and interaction with her (or pics in your room)---------- you could approach him about the marriage. What can we do to be closer? How can we work to be the happiest couple we can be? Maybe some marriage counseling would help. I think you are putting it on his daughter when the problem is between the two of you.
Again, just my guessing from what you've written. BUT . . . no child should have to live with a jealous grown woman who resents her relationship with her custodial parent. That is unfair to this child. So, reel that in and work on your marriage. good luck
Will have to agree with Kayannaboo.
I would suggest talking this over with your husband and/or a counselor. There are a couple of issues going on here.
Bonjour!
I would suggest talking this over with your husband and/or a counselor. There are a couple of issues going on here.
Bonjour!
After my mom and dad divorced and before he remarried, it was just us on weekends. I always slept in bed with dad, he'd give me kisses, hugs and hold me just because he felt like it. He still gives me kisses and hugs and I'm 26.
There was never anything sexual between us. He was my daddy and I was his pumpkin. I love my father dearly. He's my dad.
Perhaps he just really, truly loves his daughter and doesn't see anything wrong in showing her affection and being close to her. I know my dad felt horrible after the divorce and up until he remarried he showered me with affection and love. He was trying to make up for him and mom not being together.
I'm just as close to my mom. She still gives me kisses and when I'm feeling really bummed out she'll actually hold me. Some parents really are just super close to their kids. I'm really close to my boys. Granted they're only 3 right now, but I plan on hugging, kissing and cuddling with them until I become "uncool" and they think it's "gross". Why? Because they're my babies. They're mine and I love them more than anything in this entire world.
There was never anything sexual between us. He was my daddy and I was his pumpkin. I love my father dearly. He's my dad.
Perhaps he just really, truly loves his daughter and doesn't see anything wrong in showing her affection and being close to her. I know my dad felt horrible after the divorce and up until he remarried he showered me with affection and love. He was trying to make up for him and mom not being together.
I'm just as close to my mom. She still gives me kisses and when I'm feeling really bummed out she'll actually hold me. Some parents really are just super close to their kids. I'm really close to my boys. Granted they're only 3 right now, but I plan on hugging, kissing and cuddling with them until I become "uncool" and they think it's "gross". Why? Because they're my babies. They're mine and I love them more than anything in this entire world.
I appreciated the input I do not blame my stepdaughter at all I actually was very close to her for the first 3 years this is something that started about a year or so ago that is why it bothers me so the affection has changed I still give my daughter kisses on her lips and my step daughter too but a lil peck not keep sitting there waiting for more one after another its not gross to a point just when its the affection that you would give to a spouse I want you to understand when I say I maybe jealous its not to her I never act out towards her i have also asked about counselling but he said he is not going to pay someone to think he is crazy its a waste of money he says I tried to talk to him and I just don't say anything anymore I love him very much and her also my children think its weird too and I don't even say anything to them because I feel adult stuff shouldn't be their problems sometimes I think even she is not comfortable with it too because the way she acts idk just kinda lost I have been battling with this for a while finally got to where i wanted to open it up and see what the outside has to say. I have family and friends who seen it to and say isn't he a little over board i just don't know what to say maybe he thinks shes still a baby but she is a lil girl who is getting modest about dressing in front of people and hides its kinda cute but just has me worried thanks again
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't know. I've read your initial post several times now and your later one. Each time it strikes me the exact same way. I think you have some marital issues and she has nothing to do with it. Nothing you say is outlandish. So, your feelings are based on your gut instinct. But . . . your gut is hurt because your husband does not share affection with you or love you as completely as he does his daughter. You sense that and it bothers you. That is how this reads to me.
If you think he is molesting his child, that is different. If his open affection and love for her bothers you------------ that has something to do with you and not them. It is that simple to me.
She is seven years old. Maybe I relate so much to this because I have a 7 year old and a 6 year old. I, and I'll be honest, would not put up for a second with my husband telling me that I should be less affectionate with my kids and start to make them feel like they are too old to be affectionate with me. But . . . I am not insecure about my marriage.
I think you need to address the insecurity you have about your marriage and your husband's feelings for you and leave this issue alone.
That is just my opinion. I would not get distracted by 'this' issue and focus on something you can change. That is how you and he interact. That is your communication about yoru relationship. That is growing closer. If you continue to question him on his daughter---- he WILL get fed up. Again-------- if you feel he is sexually attracted to his daughter and may molest her, that is different. But you don't describe anything like that here.
Try talking to him about how you two can be a better couple. Ask him what he thinks the two of you can do and stay quiet. LISTEN. Do not even bring up his daughter. Just listen to where he sees the issues that keep you two less close. Then you have a REAL place to go to work on the marriage. good luck
If you think he is molesting his child, that is different. If his open affection and love for her bothers you------------ that has something to do with you and not them. It is that simple to me.
She is seven years old. Maybe I relate so much to this because I have a 7 year old and a 6 year old. I, and I'll be honest, would not put up for a second with my husband telling me that I should be less affectionate with my kids and start to make them feel like they are too old to be affectionate with me. But . . . I am not insecure about my marriage.
I think you need to address the insecurity you have about your marriage and your husband's feelings for you and leave this issue alone.
That is just my opinion. I would not get distracted by 'this' issue and focus on something you can change. That is how you and he interact. That is your communication about yoru relationship. That is growing closer. If you continue to question him on his daughter---- he WILL get fed up. Again-------- if you feel he is sexually attracted to his daughter and may molest her, that is different. But you don't describe anything like that here.
Try talking to him about how you two can be a better couple. Ask him what he thinks the two of you can do and stay quiet. LISTEN. Do not even bring up his daughter. Just listen to where he sees the issues that keep you two less close. Then you have a REAL place to go to work on the marriage. good luck
Well, I understand some of what you are saying because I was brought up pretty conservatively. My dad adored me but did not show me his love through a lot of physical affection. But I never doubted his love for me.
You are in a tough spot here. I think you have more than one issue here. I don't think this is JUST about you and your husband. I think some of it is but I think you also have some genuine uneasiness about certain affections your husband is giving his daughter; especially if this has just started recently and you didn't see this behaviour the entire time you all have been together. I don't know what the outcome will be for you all. If you do continually bring up his relationship w/ he and his daughter, specialmom may very well be right, and he may get fed up and leave. That could def happen. But I personally don't think that just because someone had children before they married you, does not mean that you should NEVER have a say or be heard when it comes to those kids. I don't think a step parent should try to replace a parent, but I do think as a spouse and co-provider to the home, you deserve to be heard.
I married my husband and I was a single mother w/ my son. On some level, my son always came first. But my son's biological father has never been in the picture and my current husband worked his tale off to help provide and support my son. In fact, I didn't work for a couple of years after we got married. I had OUR first child together and was home for over 2 years. I def felt he had the right to some say when it came to my son because he was essentially supporting him and my son was now living in OUR home and not just MY home. I made vows to my husband and tried to honor those whether I had a child already or not. To me, if the spouse's feelings don't matter, then there really is no point in getting married anyway IMO. I mean, may as well wait until your children are grown before getting remarried if the spouse's feelings aren't important.
As far as the affection goes.....I do think the spooning thing is def a bit much; especially with only underwear on and I don't think that overstepping your authority as far as discipline goes, is right either. He will only be teaching her not to respect you as her step mother and as the other adult in the house. Turning the tables here, but that wouldn't fly for me. I have 1 boy, 5 girls and 1 boy on the way...he'll be here next week actually. I kiss them on the lips but only when they are really little....like 2 years old. By the time they are like 3, it just switches to the cheek for me. I adore my kids and there is no rule book saying that I have to stop at that age but it just changes for me. I still hug them and kiss them...just on the cheek. My kids know I love them and that is just what is comfortable for me. I have seen grown kids kiss their parents on the lips but NOT ME. No way. No how. I can't image kissing my parents on the lips, but that is just me. I don't begrudge anyone else that does. I just wasn't raised that way and it is not comfortable for me. But we are all raised so differently.
I wish you luck. Being a step parent cannot be easy because of situations just like this. I almost married a guy once that had a little boy, while me having mine. That just wasn't going to work and we both knew it so we called it off. But I hope you all can work this out amicably and that it will be a solution that you can all live with. Just watch the jealousy thing. Really be careful with that. Really analyze your feelings, what they truly are, and where they are truly coming from. Try not to mix emotions or problems together as that might get you into some trouble. Good luck!
You are in a tough spot here. I think you have more than one issue here. I don't think this is JUST about you and your husband. I think some of it is but I think you also have some genuine uneasiness about certain affections your husband is giving his daughter; especially if this has just started recently and you didn't see this behaviour the entire time you all have been together. I don't know what the outcome will be for you all. If you do continually bring up his relationship w/ he and his daughter, specialmom may very well be right, and he may get fed up and leave. That could def happen. But I personally don't think that just because someone had children before they married you, does not mean that you should NEVER have a say or be heard when it comes to those kids. I don't think a step parent should try to replace a parent, but I do think as a spouse and co-provider to the home, you deserve to be heard.
I married my husband and I was a single mother w/ my son. On some level, my son always came first. But my son's biological father has never been in the picture and my current husband worked his tale off to help provide and support my son. In fact, I didn't work for a couple of years after we got married. I had OUR first child together and was home for over 2 years. I def felt he had the right to some say when it came to my son because he was essentially supporting him and my son was now living in OUR home and not just MY home. I made vows to my husband and tried to honor those whether I had a child already or not. To me, if the spouse's feelings don't matter, then there really is no point in getting married anyway IMO. I mean, may as well wait until your children are grown before getting remarried if the spouse's feelings aren't important.
As far as the affection goes.....I do think the spooning thing is def a bit much; especially with only underwear on and I don't think that overstepping your authority as far as discipline goes, is right either. He will only be teaching her not to respect you as her step mother and as the other adult in the house. Turning the tables here, but that wouldn't fly for me. I have 1 boy, 5 girls and 1 boy on the way...he'll be here next week actually. I kiss them on the lips but only when they are really little....like 2 years old. By the time they are like 3, it just switches to the cheek for me. I adore my kids and there is no rule book saying that I have to stop at that age but it just changes for me. I still hug them and kiss them...just on the cheek. My kids know I love them and that is just what is comfortable for me. I have seen grown kids kiss their parents on the lips but NOT ME. No way. No how. I can't image kissing my parents on the lips, but that is just me. I don't begrudge anyone else that does. I just wasn't raised that way and it is not comfortable for me. But we are all raised so differently.
I wish you luck. Being a step parent cannot be easy because of situations just like this. I almost married a guy once that had a little boy, while me having mine. That just wasn't going to work and we both knew it so we called it off. But I hope you all can work this out amicably and that it will be a solution that you can all live with. Just watch the jealousy thing. Really be careful with that. Really analyze your feelings, what they truly are, and where they are truly coming from. Try not to mix emotions or problems together as that might get you into some trouble. Good luck!
COMMUNITY LEADER
This won't be popular but it is often in the best interest of kids to do exactly what you say in vain Michele Katy---- wait to remarry until the children are out of the home. I'm glad it worked out for you but this is one of my hot buttons. So often a negative situation is created by this new union for the kids. Kids should be the number one priority during the years they are at home with you (until 18). This does not mean that your spouse isn't important or a priority also--------- providing a stable, happy, nonvolatile home is part of making kids a priority and getting along with your spouse is part of that. I do love my husband dearly. Partly . . . because we share kids that we adore. If he didn't adore our kids .. . he'd be a heck of lot less attractive to me.
I do not believe that sexual abuse of any sort torward a child is acceptable. Obviously. Affection---- well, gosh. I have a hard time thinking that we can be too affectionate to a 7 year old. (not 17 . . . 7!).
I think that Michele Katy did give excellent advice in her last paragraph. My fear is that regardless of the child here, this marriage seems in trouble. I hope they are able to resolve it for all involved.
And of course, we all come here with our own unique perspective and opinions and no person is ever right or wrong with how they feel. I think differences of opinion and advice give a wide range of things to think about and that is how someone comes to the best answer for them.
I do not believe that sexual abuse of any sort torward a child is acceptable. Obviously. Affection---- well, gosh. I have a hard time thinking that we can be too affectionate to a 7 year old. (not 17 . . . 7!).
I think that Michele Katy did give excellent advice in her last paragraph. My fear is that regardless of the child here, this marriage seems in trouble. I hope they are able to resolve it for all involved.
And of course, we all come here with our own unique perspective and opinions and no person is ever right or wrong with how they feel. I think differences of opinion and advice give a wide range of things to think about and that is how someone comes to the best answer for them.
Well, I totally stand by what I said. And specialmom, I can tell this is a button for you because your tone totally changes when one of these posts come up. We don't normally agree but that's fine and both our right to our opinions. I have strong opinions about it as well, so I feel compelled to answer these, even if it makes me unpopular.
I quit my job and homeschool my children. I did this for them. I have literally made it my life's work to be there for my children and sacrifice A LOT for them. I almost sacrfice myself completely for them. But do I think I should not have married my husband in the interest of my son?? No way!!! I don't think I should have had to be alone during my son's years at home just because my first marriage didn't work out. He was MUCH worse than anyone else could have been and my son was a big reason why I got a divorce in the first place. I wanted what was best for him. And had I not have gotten remarried, I probably would have ended up with that one child and not had anymore. I don't regret the other 6 children I have in the least.
So yes, if you don't think you spouse's feelings should count when you have children...DON'T GET REMARRIED UNTIL THEY ARE GONE!!!! But I just don't agree and wouldn't have my wonderful family and children if I did agree with that so I take acception to that a bit.
Good luck to the OP!
I quit my job and homeschool my children. I did this for them. I have literally made it my life's work to be there for my children and sacrifice A LOT for them. I almost sacrfice myself completely for them. But do I think I should not have married my husband in the interest of my son?? No way!!! I don't think I should have had to be alone during my son's years at home just because my first marriage didn't work out. He was MUCH worse than anyone else could have been and my son was a big reason why I got a divorce in the first place. I wanted what was best for him. And had I not have gotten remarried, I probably would have ended up with that one child and not had anymore. I don't regret the other 6 children I have in the least.
So yes, if you don't think you spouse's feelings should count when you have children...DON'T GET REMARRIED UNTIL THEY ARE GONE!!!! But I just don't agree and wouldn't have my wonderful family and children if I did agree with that so I take acception to that a bit.
Good luck to the OP!
thank you you kinda hit it there I am a loving parent to all my children including my step daughter I have been raising her the other mom not in the pic i have been mom I haven't tried to replace her but if I am doing this I want the respect I deserve I do not keep bringing up how I feel in fact I don't try and say anything! I really do love him and her very much just to me there should be a boundary some where for a husband and wife and again a child it should be different I put my children first to but somethings should up hold when it comes to man and wife above children do what if it was a 7 almost eight year old boy would it be different because it being a man and boy? just wondering i know I am not the only person out there who feels this way thanks again for your in put
Hello,
WOW, you all just went nuts with this.
I think that the wisest thing here is that YOU, sought help in arranging these feelings that are by the way...all completely HUMAN!!
I have lived through the whole spectrum of life situations and stories that has been spoken of here, and I do know that not speaking to others about these things can just eat you alive....I am so glad that you ask for help.
Now, just try to figure out who is right....Some of this one and most of that one....with none of that other one. NOW just try to wrap your mind around it and stop the bad, while growing the good.
Where the mind goes, the man follows.
Btw, I know you hold no ill feelings toward this little girl and, You do have the power to grab hold of your mind and see it for what it is. None of us know, only he and she know how far or close things are, and GOD also.
I love my children, grown girls, hugs all around and sometimes kisses and the same with my 10 grandbabies....LET me clarify "kisses"..........PECK on lips or cheek.
At this stage...TIME does matter, peck or linger?
I see how many different opinions you have recieved, and more to come, so as you read them, I PRAY that the answers you need will be found soon and I hope you peace and love during this time of growth for your whole family.
Have a wonderful Blessed Day!!! GOD BLESS!!! loimmarmar
WOW, you all just went nuts with this.
I think that the wisest thing here is that YOU, sought help in arranging these feelings that are by the way...all completely HUMAN!!
I have lived through the whole spectrum of life situations and stories that has been spoken of here, and I do know that not speaking to others about these things can just eat you alive....I am so glad that you ask for help.
Now, just try to figure out who is right....Some of this one and most of that one....with none of that other one. NOW just try to wrap your mind around it and stop the bad, while growing the good.
Where the mind goes, the man follows.
Btw, I know you hold no ill feelings toward this little girl and, You do have the power to grab hold of your mind and see it for what it is. None of us know, only he and she know how far or close things are, and GOD also.
I love my children, grown girls, hugs all around and sometimes kisses and the same with my 10 grandbabies....LET me clarify "kisses"..........PECK on lips or cheek.
At this stage...TIME does matter, peck or linger?
I see how many different opinions you have recieved, and more to come, so as you read them, I PRAY that the answers you need will be found soon and I hope you peace and love during this time of growth for your whole family.
Have a wonderful Blessed Day!!! GOD BLESS!!! loimmarmar
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think you may have misunderstood me or probably more likely, I didn't express my thoughts well. Part of putting your kids first is making a good union when remarrying. It sounds like you have done that. Finding a good step parent for a child is hard---- and I'm sure that was part of the criteria you had in a mate and one of the things you really liked about your husband. You WERE putting your child first when you chose him because you picked a solid, family man to live with him. If everyone did that---------- this would be fantastic and families would mesh more often having the usual ups and downs that a family has. Maybe putting it that way would have been better than the way I did. I still think there are some that make poor choices in the person they bring into their child's life and that makes me sad for the kids. That statement has nothing to do with you or the poster.
I guess I come across in a way that I don't intend. I worry about kids. I think of my own if they lived with their dad and not me and things that are normal in our house then become something the spouse of their dad is upset at them for. I've met many adults through my line of work that had situations like this when growing up and it leaves a mark.
So, when I read a post that has some things that are mostly innocent but upsetting the poster----- she says specifically that she doesn't feel he is sexual with the daughter----- then what is one left with to help her? 9 times out of 10, a bio parent that has great love and affection for their child will resent being told they shouldn't. Maybe she can convince him but that is an uphill battle. If she focuses on what she can influence, such as her closeness to him and their interaction--------- she could maybe have a happier marriage. But they aren't meshing their differences well at this point (IE: her perception of the sancuary of the bedroom having mostly or only to do with them and his idea of it being a place to proudly display his favorite pictures and hang out with his daughter at times) and working on that would help them be a stronger couple. That would involve better communication. They sound a bit like they each have their own ideas and haven't harmonized them yet. Working on this would make things better. This she can control. I felt like in this particular post, reacting to his relationship with his daughter was because she felt he loved her more. I don't know. But ... I was trying to help.
Anyway, I do apologize for coming on as strongly as I did and hopefully didn't offend anyone including you, Michele Katy (although I think I did.) Sorry for that and I'll think about this post and my words carefully. I do wish the poster success in her marriage and dealing with issues in it.
I guess I come across in a way that I don't intend. I worry about kids. I think of my own if they lived with their dad and not me and things that are normal in our house then become something the spouse of their dad is upset at them for. I've met many adults through my line of work that had situations like this when growing up and it leaves a mark.
So, when I read a post that has some things that are mostly innocent but upsetting the poster----- she says specifically that she doesn't feel he is sexual with the daughter----- then what is one left with to help her? 9 times out of 10, a bio parent that has great love and affection for their child will resent being told they shouldn't. Maybe she can convince him but that is an uphill battle. If she focuses on what she can influence, such as her closeness to him and their interaction--------- she could maybe have a happier marriage. But they aren't meshing their differences well at this point (IE: her perception of the sancuary of the bedroom having mostly or only to do with them and his idea of it being a place to proudly display his favorite pictures and hang out with his daughter at times) and working on that would help them be a stronger couple. That would involve better communication. They sound a bit like they each have their own ideas and haven't harmonized them yet. Working on this would make things better. This she can control. I felt like in this particular post, reacting to his relationship with his daughter was because she felt he loved her more. I don't know. But ... I was trying to help.
Anyway, I do apologize for coming on as strongly as I did and hopefully didn't offend anyone including you, Michele Katy (although I think I did.) Sorry for that and I'll think about this post and my words carefully. I do wish the poster success in her marriage and dealing with issues in it.
Well example had a chance for a sitter so we could have some special time I figure a date night than tomorrow family day with kids he said he didn't want her to go any where mine gone dads weekend she wants to go spend play time with her little friend its just her home and she is bored her words. I don't know he says he loves me buti need us time just once in a while he never lets her really go or do anything up til about 6months ago the child never spent the night with a friend and always got up set if he told her no even slumber parties what do I Do?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Honey, why do you think he is avoiding time with you?
I do hear you about not letting her do things and he seems very protective (over) of her and may even be hindering her ability to be social which is so important for kids---- start by inviting her friends over to your house so he can see how much fun she has. I know that is a big old pain but most parents who love their kids like to see them having fun. As he sees her as this social person with her friends . . . he may ease up a bit and allow her go go more. Did he have some kind of tragedy in his life? Anyone die unexpectedly? I ask that as he seems very worried about her outside of his presense. I have one sone with a developmental delay and for a long time, I was a little this way. I did have sitters but kind of had to force myself because I was worried. It was hard to let him go to other's homes because I worried. I was being overprotective and got myself over that (thank goodness)---- and it sounds like your husband needs to too. Start by having the friends over and let him see her interacting. This may show him too that she is growing up into a young, INDEPENDENT OF HIM lady.
But I am still struck by the lack of closeness by you and your husband. This is concerning. My kids are 6 and 7, even if we don't have a sitter----- we plan dates. I put the kids to bed and then we have our "date" at home where we sit outside in the moonlight on the patio together talking, watch a movie, have a late dinner, have a glass of wine by candle light, etc. Maybe try doing this and see how he reacts. I'm just wondering if he is avoiding being with you on a 'date' for a reason. He'd have no excuse for being distant from you if you did this at home. I would try it two weekends in a row and see what kind of response you get. If he refuses to put his daughter to bed or spend time with you in this way---- then I think he is having some kind of problem within the relationship that you and he need to figure out to work through.
So, you are both raising his daughter, correct? He seems to act as if he is doing it alone and you are just in the house. Maybe also go from the angle of telling him you want to be more of a mother with her and take her to do some girl things. This should make him happy (again, loving parents like to see their kids happy) and it makes you more of a family unit to him rather than you verses them. Maybe he'd move off of his island and back to you.
Ugh----- I don't know if I am making sense or saying this correctly, but am trying to brainstorm for how to improve this situation. good luck
I do hear you about not letting her do things and he seems very protective (over) of her and may even be hindering her ability to be social which is so important for kids---- start by inviting her friends over to your house so he can see how much fun she has. I know that is a big old pain but most parents who love their kids like to see them having fun. As he sees her as this social person with her friends . . . he may ease up a bit and allow her go go more. Did he have some kind of tragedy in his life? Anyone die unexpectedly? I ask that as he seems very worried about her outside of his presense. I have one sone with a developmental delay and for a long time, I was a little this way. I did have sitters but kind of had to force myself because I was worried. It was hard to let him go to other's homes because I worried. I was being overprotective and got myself over that (thank goodness)---- and it sounds like your husband needs to too. Start by having the friends over and let him see her interacting. This may show him too that she is growing up into a young, INDEPENDENT OF HIM lady.
But I am still struck by the lack of closeness by you and your husband. This is concerning. My kids are 6 and 7, even if we don't have a sitter----- we plan dates. I put the kids to bed and then we have our "date" at home where we sit outside in the moonlight on the patio together talking, watch a movie, have a late dinner, have a glass of wine by candle light, etc. Maybe try doing this and see how he reacts. I'm just wondering if he is avoiding being with you on a 'date' for a reason. He'd have no excuse for being distant from you if you did this at home. I would try it two weekends in a row and see what kind of response you get. If he refuses to put his daughter to bed or spend time with you in this way---- then I think he is having some kind of problem within the relationship that you and he need to figure out to work through.
So, you are both raising his daughter, correct? He seems to act as if he is doing it alone and you are just in the house. Maybe also go from the angle of telling him you want to be more of a mother with her and take her to do some girl things. This should make him happy (again, loving parents like to see their kids happy) and it makes you more of a family unit to him rather than you verses them. Maybe he'd move off of his island and back to you.
Ugh----- I don't know if I am making sense or saying this correctly, but am trying to brainstorm for how to improve this situation. good luck
Thanks and it's fine. In all honesty, when any of us give advice to anyone here, it is difficult because no matter what, we are only getting a small part of any given problem. We don't know the whole story or actually see what they see or even have input from the other party. So we just do the best we can. I do appreciate your comments to me and you apologizing. It means a lot. I will respond to your PM a little later. I will probably go into more detail there, but have limited internet access right now, as we are staying with friends and my baby will be here the day after tomorrow.
To the OP: I really think you just need to have a sit down with your husband and tell him that you love him very much and really want a future with him. Explain to him that you both have children, but that the only way to really make this marriage work, is to focus on your own relationship sometimes. That would be the only way for any marriage to work, whether kids are involved or not. I look at marriage like a car or plant or whatever. It has to be maintained and I think a lot of people really fail to understand that when they get married. They just assume the "inlove" and "rosey" phase just stays and stays automatically but that just isn't true. If you don't do tune ups and oil changes for your car, it won't last as long. It has to be maintained and given proper attention. If you have a plant and it doesn't get enough sunlight or food, etc., it will die. It has to be propertly maintained. Marriage is no different. You do need the occasional date night. Try to make it regular, whether once a week or biweekly...just something that will give you both something to look forward to and a way to connect on a regular basis. Now thinking that the daughter will never be allowed in your bedroom, isn't very realistic to me, but obviously you need to connect there too, if you know what I mean. My kids come in my room all the time, but they do have to respect that it is space for their father and myself and they are not SUPPOSED to bring toys, etc. in our room, but that's a work in progress. Afterall, they do have most of the rest of the house for them.
I agree w/ specialmom in that you should invite friends over to your house for your step daughter. In this day and age, it is not uncommon for parents to be a bit sqeemish in letting their friends go to other's houses. I am much the same way. I prefer they come to mine simply so I know what they are doing and have some control over what they do, watch, etc. Def important to me once my kids become teenagers.
I wish you the best of luck.
To the OP: I really think you just need to have a sit down with your husband and tell him that you love him very much and really want a future with him. Explain to him that you both have children, but that the only way to really make this marriage work, is to focus on your own relationship sometimes. That would be the only way for any marriage to work, whether kids are involved or not. I look at marriage like a car or plant or whatever. It has to be maintained and I think a lot of people really fail to understand that when they get married. They just assume the "inlove" and "rosey" phase just stays and stays automatically but that just isn't true. If you don't do tune ups and oil changes for your car, it won't last as long. It has to be maintained and given proper attention. If you have a plant and it doesn't get enough sunlight or food, etc., it will die. It has to be propertly maintained. Marriage is no different. You do need the occasional date night. Try to make it regular, whether once a week or biweekly...just something that will give you both something to look forward to and a way to connect on a regular basis. Now thinking that the daughter will never be allowed in your bedroom, isn't very realistic to me, but obviously you need to connect there too, if you know what I mean. My kids come in my room all the time, but they do have to respect that it is space for their father and myself and they are not SUPPOSED to bring toys, etc. in our room, but that's a work in progress. Afterall, they do have most of the rest of the house for them.
I agree w/ specialmom in that you should invite friends over to your house for your step daughter. In this day and age, it is not uncommon for parents to be a bit sqeemish in letting their friends go to other's houses. I am much the same way. I prefer they come to mine simply so I know what they are doing and have some control over what they do, watch, etc. Def important to me once my kids become teenagers.
I wish you the best of luck.
Are you kidding me? Did you read her post? This is exactly the reason men should be careful if they have underage kids and bring a woman into their life after they divorce. I'm glad I don't have young kids because if I died I'd warn my Husband to forget about dating anyone unless he goes to Law School first.
My post was not directed at you. It seems they removed the womans post who thinks all men are child molesters... So my post doesn't fit now...
Moderators -You can remove my post being it doesn't fit. I won't be insulted. Though of course if you remove it all the men will miss out on my good advice.:)
Moderators -You can remove my post being it doesn't fit. I won't be insulted. Though of course if you remove it all the men will miss out on my good advice.:)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Myown, I do think there is truth in your words in a lot of cases. Thanks for your post.
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