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is the affection my husband gives his 7 yr old daughter normal
I am married to a man who has a 7 year old we have had her since she was 3 full time I feel like he gives her affection he should give me he comes home from work and goes straight for her not even saying a word to me if i disciplined her he goes against me she knows that he will get mad at me and let her do what ever i feel her being almost 8 years old and saying she is just a baby is not normal he lets her get in the bed him in his underwear and spoons with her rubs her head and like tickles her back with the tips of his fingers the way he does me it maybe im jealous a bit but i have children and this is uncomfortable for me and weird he picks her up and puts her legs around him they kiss on the lips and she tells him to bite on her ear yes playing is fine like that when they are babies but almost 8 i know he is not doing anything sexual with her but last night he had her in our bed and i asked him to look at some pis online and he was laying on his belly in his underwear and she was runing the tips of her fingers all over his back and sides i will find him staring at her and them smiling at each other and blowing kisses yes its sweet but it goes on an on and our sex life has died because i am not feeling sexual and i don't know why please tell me im not crazy
Hello there!
I think you're projecting YOUR views, perceptions and expectations from how you were raised onto others. You actually come off as very angry and bitter.
Everyone had different childhood experiences and learned different versions of what is "normal". That doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong, just different.
"I am not jealous for my husbands affections. I do not yearn to be snuggled. I do not need affection and smooches to feel fullfilled as an adult. "
We'll take this comment for starters. This is perfectly fine, but it's how YOU feel and what YOU need. Certainly you can appreciate that everyone needs different levels of affection, especially a child. Not to MENTION a child from a broken home. His daughter is very young, which means she experienced a divorce/break-up pretty early on. That IS very hard for young children and often they DO need a little bit more reasurance. You really can't compare what YOU need as an adult to what a 7 yr old child needs.
"I do not need affection and cuddling either the same way my stepchild is held."
Okay. Well, same as above...you really cannot compare what YOU need
and what SHE needs, and you shouldn't be judging or critisizing what she DOES need based on how YOU were raised, or what YOU need, affection wise.
" I want nothing to do with the behavior that is practiced with his daughter. It somehow puts me and his daughter on the same level? Truly an icky feeling. "
You're again comparing you and her, which is impossible to do. I would
highly doubt that the affection he shows his daughter is anything like the affection and intimacy he would show you. I mean, it sounds like he is affectionate towards his daughter from a father-daughter standpoint. That's not something that has anything to do with you.
" My husband asks why I am so distant and I can't tell him frankly it is a huge turnoff to see you do with your daughter what you want to do with me. "
And what does he say in reply? I find it strange that you're so directly comparing the kind of affection he gives his daughter to the kind of affection he would give to you. Is he giving her long passionate kisses? If he is giving her hugs, and snuggling her, and even letting her sit on his lap, that's normal father-daughter affection. She's SEVEN. That's a very young child! Your husband is already noticing your reactions, and I imagine it's causing tension in the relationship.
"I think step moms need a lil consideration here in these situations. It is at least unsettling to be put in the same category as a stepchild when it comes to affection ."
I think that everyone deserves consideration, but sorry to say, if you're going to compare who deserves the most consideration, it should be and always WILL be the child. And no adult should put their spouse in the position where they feel there is a competition, or that they shouldn't be giving as much affection to the child that they want. Does he give affection to your baby? What if someone said that they thought he gives your baby too much affection? Would that sit well with you? I think YOU are the one who is putting yourself into the same "category", I think that's YOUR hang up based on how you were raised, and how you view affection in general. You were very clear about that, and while that's perfectly fine, it's not okay to place the same expectations YOU have onto other people, especially your husband and his daughter.
"I do not think children require no affection ofcourse but let me say this.. I, for a fact, won't be holding my son and smooching him when he is 7 years old for dang sure. Heck I'd be afraid he would get his a^^ kicked if another boy caught sight of that! And I want his confidence to be in himself."
I'm not sure what to tell you here. If this is true, I feel for your son. If you don't think children require affection, then, with all due respect, you need to educate yourself about child development and parenting. You need to learn what happens to children who grow up in cold, unaffectionate environments. Showing your child love and affection doesn't make them a sissy and shouldn't put them in a position to get teased or their a$$ kicked. Obviously, a parent must use common sense on what kind of affection to show their child at certain times. You want him to build his own confidence...well guess what helps a child build confidence? Affection. If you show your child lots of love and affection, he will probably be MUCH MORE secure than if you didn't. Again, you need to educate yourself about this because you have some very backwards thinking.
"Also.. so much of this has to do with the stepchild trying to assert her role of importance. She feels her relationship is threatened - which is fine and natural for her to feel. But I have an issue when her insecurities are entertained. Frankly all it does is feed the insecurity issue and make for a more insecure adult down the road. Always seeking attention. "
I don't think it has ONE thing to do about feeling threatened, at least not on her end. YOU are viewing her need for affection as needy and attention seeking. Maybe it is to some extent, but at times when children are dealing with lots of big changes (divorce, new step-mom AND a new sibling), they DO need extra reassurance. Again, please read about child development and their emotional needs. The very worst thing an adult could do to a child who is feeling scared and insecure due to the SITUATIONS in her life caused by the adults is give her less affection. Being "tough" with her isn't going to make her a stronger person. It will just make her a cold person, with lots of insecurities, with all due respect, kind of like how you are coming off.
"ALways having to have a high five for the least lil thing they do. Wow she brushed her teeth... do we really need a parade to celebrate this achievement? "
You sound SO bitter. Children need praise, yes they do. Personally, from everything you've said, it sounds like your husband is an EXCELLENT dad who is doing everything right. You'd be smart to observe and learn from him, especially when it comes to raising your own child.
"I have decided in my own case to distance myself from the father/daughter relationship. I have to wall it off. If she is with us... I go into my own self instead of trying to fit into their lil love world where I am clearly not welcome. I wall it off also just to get by. "
This is going to strain your relationships with everyone in that house. You better believe that your young step-daughter is taking ALL of your behavior and putting it all on herself, blaming herself, because that's what kids do. You also are putting your husband in an awful position. You're going to cause a whole lot of resentment.
I'm sorry, but all of these issues that you've put on your step-daughter are YOUR issues. You ARE making this a big competition and you are judging the level of affection your husband has with his daughter, based on your own feelings on the matter. I also cannot stress enough how important it is for you to learn about children. I would strongly recommend some parenting classes. You are going to raise these kids in a cold home, and you are going to accomplish the exact opposite than you think you will...those kids will be insecure and fearful, not confident and strong.
Children need to be shown affection. SOME children need more than others, especially those who are trying to adjust to so many new things in their world.
Good luck!
I think you're projecting YOUR views, perceptions and expectations from how you were raised onto others. You actually come off as very angry and bitter.
Everyone had different childhood experiences and learned different versions of what is "normal". That doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong, just different.
"I am not jealous for my husbands affections. I do not yearn to be snuggled. I do not need affection and smooches to feel fullfilled as an adult. "
We'll take this comment for starters. This is perfectly fine, but it's how YOU feel and what YOU need. Certainly you can appreciate that everyone needs different levels of affection, especially a child. Not to MENTION a child from a broken home. His daughter is very young, which means she experienced a divorce/break-up pretty early on. That IS very hard for young children and often they DO need a little bit more reasurance. You really can't compare what YOU need as an adult to what a 7 yr old child needs.
"I do not need affection and cuddling either the same way my stepchild is held."
Okay. Well, same as above...you really cannot compare what YOU need
and what SHE needs, and you shouldn't be judging or critisizing what she DOES need based on how YOU were raised, or what YOU need, affection wise.
" I want nothing to do with the behavior that is practiced with his daughter. It somehow puts me and his daughter on the same level? Truly an icky feeling. "
You're again comparing you and her, which is impossible to do. I would
highly doubt that the affection he shows his daughter is anything like the affection and intimacy he would show you. I mean, it sounds like he is affectionate towards his daughter from a father-daughter standpoint. That's not something that has anything to do with you.
" My husband asks why I am so distant and I can't tell him frankly it is a huge turnoff to see you do with your daughter what you want to do with me. "
And what does he say in reply? I find it strange that you're so directly comparing the kind of affection he gives his daughter to the kind of affection he would give to you. Is he giving her long passionate kisses? If he is giving her hugs, and snuggling her, and even letting her sit on his lap, that's normal father-daughter affection. She's SEVEN. That's a very young child! Your husband is already noticing your reactions, and I imagine it's causing tension in the relationship.
"I think step moms need a lil consideration here in these situations. It is at least unsettling to be put in the same category as a stepchild when it comes to affection ."
I think that everyone deserves consideration, but sorry to say, if you're going to compare who deserves the most consideration, it should be and always WILL be the child. And no adult should put their spouse in the position where they feel there is a competition, or that they shouldn't be giving as much affection to the child that they want. Does he give affection to your baby? What if someone said that they thought he gives your baby too much affection? Would that sit well with you? I think YOU are the one who is putting yourself into the same "category", I think that's YOUR hang up based on how you were raised, and how you view affection in general. You were very clear about that, and while that's perfectly fine, it's not okay to place the same expectations YOU have onto other people, especially your husband and his daughter.
"I do not think children require no affection ofcourse but let me say this.. I, for a fact, won't be holding my son and smooching him when he is 7 years old for dang sure. Heck I'd be afraid he would get his a^^ kicked if another boy caught sight of that! And I want his confidence to be in himself."
I'm not sure what to tell you here. If this is true, I feel for your son. If you don't think children require affection, then, with all due respect, you need to educate yourself about child development and parenting. You need to learn what happens to children who grow up in cold, unaffectionate environments. Showing your child love and affection doesn't make them a sissy and shouldn't put them in a position to get teased or their a$$ kicked. Obviously, a parent must use common sense on what kind of affection to show their child at certain times. You want him to build his own confidence...well guess what helps a child build confidence? Affection. If you show your child lots of love and affection, he will probably be MUCH MORE secure than if you didn't. Again, you need to educate yourself about this because you have some very backwards thinking.
"Also.. so much of this has to do with the stepchild trying to assert her role of importance. She feels her relationship is threatened - which is fine and natural for her to feel. But I have an issue when her insecurities are entertained. Frankly all it does is feed the insecurity issue and make for a more insecure adult down the road. Always seeking attention. "
I don't think it has ONE thing to do about feeling threatened, at least not on her end. YOU are viewing her need for affection as needy and attention seeking. Maybe it is to some extent, but at times when children are dealing with lots of big changes (divorce, new step-mom AND a new sibling), they DO need extra reassurance. Again, please read about child development and their emotional needs. The very worst thing an adult could do to a child who is feeling scared and insecure due to the SITUATIONS in her life caused by the adults is give her less affection. Being "tough" with her isn't going to make her a stronger person. It will just make her a cold person, with lots of insecurities, with all due respect, kind of like how you are coming off.
"ALways having to have a high five for the least lil thing they do. Wow she brushed her teeth... do we really need a parade to celebrate this achievement? "
You sound SO bitter. Children need praise, yes they do. Personally, from everything you've said, it sounds like your husband is an EXCELLENT dad who is doing everything right. You'd be smart to observe and learn from him, especially when it comes to raising your own child.
"I have decided in my own case to distance myself from the father/daughter relationship. I have to wall it off. If she is with us... I go into my own self instead of trying to fit into their lil love world where I am clearly not welcome. I wall it off also just to get by. "
This is going to strain your relationships with everyone in that house. You better believe that your young step-daughter is taking ALL of your behavior and putting it all on herself, blaming herself, because that's what kids do. You also are putting your husband in an awful position. You're going to cause a whole lot of resentment.
I'm sorry, but all of these issues that you've put on your step-daughter are YOUR issues. You ARE making this a big competition and you are judging the level of affection your husband has with his daughter, based on your own feelings on the matter. I also cannot stress enough how important it is for you to learn about children. I would strongly recommend some parenting classes. You are going to raise these kids in a cold home, and you are going to accomplish the exact opposite than you think you will...those kids will be insecure and fearful, not confident and strong.
Children need to be shown affection. SOME children need more than others, especially those who are trying to adjust to so many new things in their world.
Good luck!
I just recently married a man with a 7 year old daughter. We married after I became pregnant. Now I have a 6 mo old son. His daughter alternates weeks with us and her biomom/boyfriend. I grew up very conservative. Public displays of affection were not commonplace. I remember seeing my cousins as a child rolling around on their parents, kissing and hugging, and even at the age of 8 I thought it was disgusting and stomach turning. Fast forward to present day. My husband and daughter are very affectionate with one another. I feel the same this day as I did as a child looking at adults holding their half grown children like they are lil babies and coddling them. I am not jealous for my husbands affections. I do not yearn to be snuggled. I do not need affection and smooches to feel fullfilled as an adult. I do not need affection and cuddling either the same way my stepchild is held. But when I see my husband and daughter rolling around together, holding hands and gazing at one another, what I feel is actually even more distant. I want nothing to do with the behavior that is practiced with his daughter. It somehow puts me and his daughter on the same level? Truly an icky feeling. My husband asks why I am so distant and I can't tell him frankly it is a huge turnoff to see you do with your daughter what you want to do with me. I think step moms need a lil consideration here in these situations. It is at least unsettling to be put in the same category as a stepchild when it comes to affection . I do not think children require no affection ofcourse but let me say this.. I, for a fact, won't be holding my son and smooching him when he is 7 years old for dang sure. Heck I'd be afraid he would get his a^^ kicked if another boy caught sight of that! And I want his confidence to be in himself. Not in the constant embrace of a parent. Also.. so much of this has to do with the stepchild trying to assert her role of importance. She feels her relationship is threatened - which is fine and natural for her to feel. But I have an issue when her insecurities are entertained. Frankly all it does is feed the insecurity issue and make for a more insecure adult down the road. Always seeking attention. ALways having to have a high five for the least lil thing they do. Wow she brushed her teeth... do we really need a parade to celebrate this achievement? I have decided in my own case to distance myself from the father/daughter relationship. I have to wall it off. If she is with us... I go into my own self instead of trying to fit into their lil love world where I am clearly not welcome. I wall it off also just to get by. I can't sit there and just constantly ooo and ahh over their love. I think there is something to be said for when stepmoms have to bear this. It is disturbing and hurtful on so many levels, when we do our dang best to make for a happy and hospitable home for a stepchild that will never regard us as anything other than a babysitter. Ofcourse we can't speak of it because we are considered 'bad, unaffectionate' parents.
Hi, I myself am sort of the same situation with my boyfriend and his 6 yr old daughter. I don't think it's right when he is sitting on the couch watching tv and she sitting ON him just moving around while her but is on his crotch. It kind of weirds me out when I see that cause she will be all over him and caressing his arm and head then kiss him on his lips and tells him his handsome and that she loves him, she does that like 4 times throughout the whole movie. I think she is very curious, he has her twice a week for a couple of hours and every other weekend starting Thursday so he does get to see her alot. When he gets in the shower he closes the bedroom door and me and his daughter be at the living room and I see her going into the room and I go in there too just to see what she is doing and I see that he just open the shower curtain and I pull her away and tell her she has to turn around. She starts laughing like its funny saying why cause he's naky and I tell her yes while she's trying to get away from me so she can see him, then when he comes out with the towel wrapped around his waist she looks at him and tells him that he's handsome and hugs him around his waist and tells him she lives him. The way she looks at him like if she wants to see him and it does bug me cause I think that is very inappropriate for her to do that. So I say to you yes I think you should keep an eye on her because kids now a days get very curious at an early age. He always has to put her in the shower and one time she went to the restroom to pee and I heard her call him telling him if he can wipe her. Then I told him isn't she old enough to wipe herself and as he got up he went to her and I heard him tell her that she can do it herself and heard her say ok and that she heard me say that. We do get along and I do play with her but I think she is spoiled and very loud always yelling and screaming and most of the time she gets annoying and also my boyfriend gets annoyed as well and tells her to knock it off. She has told h once laughing and said she had a new word and just blurred out vagina and that surprised him and told her where was she getting that from and for her to stop saying that cause it wasn't a nice word to be saying. Now the way she acts I think that has something to do with her mom and boyfriend maybe she sees them getting affectionate in front of her and her feeling left out so she tries to get attention from her dad and even in an inappropriate way. Good luck to you and I hope that your husband puts a stop to it cause there are lines that you don't cross with father/daughter relationship and they should see that. I think if they don't stop the inappropriate affectionate their daughters will grow up being very sexual. I know cause I had a niece that be a over her dad and also my brothers which they got weirded out and I think it was just her she was very curious I wouldn't want her to even play with my daughter. Well anyway my niece loved mens attention and she grew up and got pregnant at 16. Yes be careful and he should realize that kind of affection towards a father/daughter is not right at all. Its hard to tell him but I think it's getting to the point that I have to sit down and talk to him about it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Myown, I do think there is truth in your words in a lot of cases. Thanks for your post.
My post was not directed at you. It seems they removed the womans post who thinks all men are child molesters... So my post doesn't fit now...
Moderators -You can remove my post being it doesn't fit. I won't be insulted. Though of course if you remove it all the men will miss out on my good advice.:)
Moderators -You can remove my post being it doesn't fit. I won't be insulted. Though of course if you remove it all the men will miss out on my good advice.:)
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