is the affection my husband gives his 7 yr old daughter normal

[confusedme72]

I am married to a man who has a 7 year old we have had her since she was 3 full time I feel like he gives her affection he should give me he comes home from work and goes straight for her not even saying a word to me if i disciplined her he goes against me she knows that he will get mad at me and let her do what ever i feel her being almost 8 years old and saying she is just a baby is not normal he lets her get in the bed him in his underwear and spoons with her rubs her head and like tickles her back with the tips of his fingers the way he does me it maybe im jealous a bit but i have children and this is uncomfortable for me and weird he picks her up and puts her legs around him they kiss on the lips and she tells him to bite on her ear yes playing is fine like that when they are babies but almost 8 i know he is not doing anything sexual with her but  last night he had her in our bed and i asked him to look at some pis online and he was laying on his belly in his underwear and  she was runing the tips of her fingers all over his back and sides i will find him staring at her and them smiling at each other and blowing kisses yes its sweet but it goes on an on and our sex life has died because i am not feeling sexual and i don't know why please tell me im not crazy

[confusedme72]

thank you you kinda hit it there I am a loving parent to all my children including my step daughter I have been raising her the other mom not in the pic i have been mom I haven't tried to replace her but if I am doing this I want the respect I deserve I do not keep bringing up how I feel in fact I don't try and say anything! I really do love him and her very much just to me there should be a boundary some where for a husband and wife and again a child it should be different I put my children first to but somethings should up hold when it comes to man and wife above children do what if it was a 7 almost eight year old boy would it be different  because it being a man and boy? just wondering i know I am not the only person out there who feels this way thanks again for your in put

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Well, I totally stand by what I said.  And specialmom, I can tell this is a button for you because your tone totally changes when one of these posts come up.  We don't normally agree but that's fine and both our right to our opinions.  I have strong opinions about it as well, so I feel compelled to answer these, even if it makes me unpopular.

I quit my job and homeschool my children.  I did this for them.  I have literally made it my life's work to be there for my children and sacrifice A LOT for them.  I almost sacrfice myself completely for them.  But do I think I should not have married my husband in the interest of my son??  No way!!!  I don't think I should have had to be alone during my son's years at home just because my first marriage didn't work out.  He was MUCH worse than anyone else could have been and my son was a big reason why I got a divorce in the first place.  I wanted what was best for him.  And had I not have gotten remarried, I probably would have ended up with that one child and not had anymore.  I don't regret the other 6 children I have in the least.

So yes, if you don't think you spouse's feelings should count when you have children...DON'T GET REMARRIED UNTIL THEY ARE GONE!!!!  But I just don't agree and wouldn't have my wonderful family and children if I did agree with that so I take acception to that a bit.

Good luck to the OP!

[specialmom]

This won't be popular but it is often in the best interest of kids to do exactly what you say in vain Michele Katy----  wait to remarry until the children are out of the home.  I'm glad it worked out for you but this is one of my hot buttons.  So often a negative situation is created by this new union for the kids.  Kids should be the number one priority during the years they are at home with you (until 18).  This does not mean that your spouse isn't important or a priority also---------  providing a stable, happy, nonvolatile home is part of making kids a priority and getting along with your spouse is part of that.  I do love my husband dearly.  Partly . . . because we share kids that we adore.  If he didn't adore our kids .. . he'd be a heck of lot less attractive to me.  

I do not believe that sexual abuse of any sort torward a child is acceptable.  Obviously.  Affection----  well, gosh.  I have a hard time thinking that we can be too affectionate to a 7 year old.  (not 17 . . . 7!).  

I think that Michele Katy did give excellent advice in her last paragraph.  My fear is that regardless of the child here, this marriage seems in trouble.  I hope they are able to resolve it for all involved.  

And of course, we all come here with our own unique perspective and opinions and no person is ever right or wrong with how they feel.  I think differences of opinion and advice give a wide range of things to think about and that is how someone comes to the best answer for them.  

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Well, I understand some of what you are saying because I was brought up pretty conservatively.  My dad adored me but did not show me his love through a lot of physical affection.  But I never doubted his love for me.  

You are in a tough spot here.  I think you have more than one issue here.  I don't think this is JUST about you and your husband.  I think some of it is but I think you also have some genuine uneasiness about certain affections your husband is giving his daughter; especially if this has just started recently and you didn't see this behaviour the entire time you all have been together.  I don't know what the outcome will be for you all.  If you do continually bring up his relationship w/ he and his daughter, specialmom may very well be right, and he may get fed up and leave.  That could def happen.  But I personally don't think that just because someone had children before they married you, does not mean that you should NEVER have a say or be heard when it comes to those kids.  I don't think a step parent should try to replace a parent, but I do think as a spouse and co-provider to the home, you deserve to be heard.

I married my husband and I was a single mother w/ my son.  On some level, my son always came first.  But my son's biological father has never been in the picture and my current husband worked his tale off to help provide and support my son.  In fact, I didn't work for a couple of years after we got married.  I had OUR first child together and was home for over 2 years.  I def felt he had the right to some say when it came to my son because he was essentially supporting him and my son was now living in OUR home and not just MY home.  I made vows to my husband and tried to honor those whether I had a child already or not.  To me, if the spouse's feelings don't matter, then there really is no point in getting married anyway IMO.  I mean, may as well wait until your children are grown before getting remarried if the spouse's feelings aren't important.

As far as the affection goes.....I do think the spooning thing is def a bit much; especially with only underwear on and I don't think that overstepping your authority as far as discipline goes, is right either.  He will only be teaching her not to respect you as her step mother and as the other adult in the house.  Turning the tables here, but that wouldn't fly for me.  I have 1 boy, 5 girls and 1 boy on the way...he'll be here next week actually.  I kiss them on the lips but only when they are really little....like 2 years old.  By the time they are like 3, it just switches to the cheek for me.  I adore my kids and there is no rule book saying that I have to stop at that age but it just changes for me.  I still hug them and kiss them...just on the cheek.  My kids know I love them and that is just what is comfortable for me.  I have seen grown kids kiss their parents on the lips but NOT ME.  No way. No how.  I can't image kissing my parents on the lips, but that is just me.  I don't begrudge anyone else that does.  I just wasn't raised that way and it is not comfortable for me.  But we are all raised so differently.

I wish you luck.  Being a step parent cannot be easy because of situations just like this.  I almost married a guy once that had a little boy, while me having mine.  That just wasn't going to work and we both knew it so we called it off.  But I hope you all can work this out amicably and that it will be a solution that you can all live with.  Just watch the jealousy thing.  Really be careful with that.  Really analyze your feelings, what they truly are, and where they are truly coming from.  Try not to mix emotions or problems together as that might get you into some trouble.  Good luck!

[specialmom]

I don't know.  I've read your initial post several times now and your later one.  Each time it strikes me the exact same way.  I think you have some marital issues and she has nothing to do with it.  Nothing you say is outlandish.  So, your feelings are based on your gut instinct.  But . . . your gut is hurt because your husband does not share affection with you or love you as completely as he does his daughter.  You sense that and it bothers you. That is how this reads to me.  

If you think he is molesting his child, that is different.  If his open affection and love for her bothers you------------ that has something to do with you and not them.  It is that simple to me.  

She is seven years old.  Maybe I relate so much to this because I have a 7 year old and a 6 year old.  I, and I'll be honest, would not put up for a second with my husband telling me that I should be less affectionate with my kids and start to make them feel like they are too old to be affectionate with me.  But . . . I am not insecure about my marriage.

I think you need to address the insecurity you have about your marriage and your husband's feelings for you and leave this issue alone.  

That is just my opinion.  I would not get distracted by 'this' issue and focus on something you can change.  That is how you and he interact.  That is your communication about yoru relationship.  That is growing closer.  If you continue to question him on his daughter----  he WILL get fed up.  Again-------- if you feel he is sexually attracted to his daughter and may molest her, that is different.  But you don't describe anything like that here.  

Try talking to him about how you two can be a better couple.  Ask him what he thinks the two of you can do and stay quiet.  LISTEN.  Do not even bring up his daughter.  Just listen to where he sees the issues that keep you two less close. Then you have a REAL place to go to work on the marriage.  good luck

[confusedme72]

I appreciated the input I do not blame my stepdaughter at all I actually was very close to her for the first 3 years this is something that started about a year or so ago that is why it bothers me so the affection has changed I still give my daughter kisses on her lips and my step daughter too but a lil peck not keep sitting there waiting for more one after another its not gross to a point just when its the affection that you would give to a spouse I want you to understand when I say I maybe jealous its not to her I never act out towards her i have also asked about counselling but he said he is not going to pay someone to   think he is crazy its a waste of money he says I tried to talk to him and I just don't say anything anymore I love him very much and her also my children think its weird too and I don't even say anything to them because I feel adult stuff shouldn't be their problems sometimes I think even she is not comfortable with it too because the way she acts idk just kinda lost I have been battling with this for a while finally got to where i wanted to open it up and see what the outside has to say. I have family and friends who seen it to and say isn't he a little over board i just don't know what to say maybe he thinks shes still a baby but she is a lil girl who is getting modest about dressing in front of people and hides its kinda cute but just has me worried thanks again