Aa
Torn between helping my Ex get his life back on track!
This is a real hard one, I feel like I am in a catch 22.
My son's father and I separated when my son was only a couple of years old. Before we met I had already purchased my home a few years prior and had it paid off before we separated. He does have a couple of children from a prior relationship who are now adults, when he met the mother of his children prior to our relationship he was only 19 years old and she 29 years and she got pregnant straight away, my ex felt he had to marry her and so he did. The relationship only lasted a few years and they split up.
During the time we were together his ex made it very difficult for him to have access with his children. I was beside him every step of the way through the numerous court appearances he attended before finally getting access every Sunday for the day only, to be picked up at 9 in the morning and dropped off at 6 pm. By the time we did get access to his children we had just had our baby. After about 8 months into having access visits with his children my partner was finding it really difficult as his ex was causing all sorts of dramas which was not healthy for his children and his mother thought it best for him to cease all contact with the children and they will look for him when they are older. I was not completely comfortable with him ceasing contact with his children but I supported my partner in the decision he had made on his mothers suggestion. Even though he ceased seeing the children I felt it was important he always sent them something for their birthday and Christmas. I also made sure his child support was paid as well.
My partner and I did have a good relationship and never had a heated argument until just before we split up due to a lot of outside influences and a few other things, it was like the dynamics had done a complete 180 degree turn in the opposite direction.
When he decided to leave I felt torn between should I try to stop him from going or not as I did not cope well with heated arguments I prefer to talk about things when it is calmer its more healthier. So wright or wrong I did not stop him from going which broke my heart. He moved back to his parents in a different state, he kept in contact with me for a while all the time saying how much I hurt him because I didn't stop him from leaving. If I tried to say how much it was hurting me he always came back with saying your not hurting and if you loved me you would have stopped me from leaving.
My ex has been in a few relationships since our split up and now has a child with each of those women. I guess with us living in different states has made things more difficult due to the many miles away. He goes for a few years with having no contact with me or our child then all of a sudden makes contact again and wants to talk about our split up and says he wants to give our relationship another go. Then after a while he ceases contact again.
Once again I find my self in the situation where he has made contact with me again bringing up out past relationship and thinks about us getting back together. I know he is in a really bad place within himself and feels like he is in a big black hole which I can relate to as I have been there myself. I know he is drinking alcohol every day and possibly smoking pot too. He is also in a lot of debt owing about $40,000 in child support plus another $2,000 in traffic offences, roughly another $5,000 in credit card debt and that's just the debts he has told me about.
I am completely debt free and as before mentioned I own my own home. I would really like to help him sort himself out and I know he cant do it where he is because he wouldnt get the support and help he needs. I just dont want to get myself in the situation where I am jeopardising myself, our almost adult child and losing my own financial security.
I would really appreciate any advice given. Thank you in advance...
My son's father and I separated when my son was only a couple of years old. Before we met I had already purchased my home a few years prior and had it paid off before we separated. He does have a couple of children from a prior relationship who are now adults, when he met the mother of his children prior to our relationship he was only 19 years old and she 29 years and she got pregnant straight away, my ex felt he had to marry her and so he did. The relationship only lasted a few years and they split up.
During the time we were together his ex made it very difficult for him to have access with his children. I was beside him every step of the way through the numerous court appearances he attended before finally getting access every Sunday for the day only, to be picked up at 9 in the morning and dropped off at 6 pm. By the time we did get access to his children we had just had our baby. After about 8 months into having access visits with his children my partner was finding it really difficult as his ex was causing all sorts of dramas which was not healthy for his children and his mother thought it best for him to cease all contact with the children and they will look for him when they are older. I was not completely comfortable with him ceasing contact with his children but I supported my partner in the decision he had made on his mothers suggestion. Even though he ceased seeing the children I felt it was important he always sent them something for their birthday and Christmas. I also made sure his child support was paid as well.
My partner and I did have a good relationship and never had a heated argument until just before we split up due to a lot of outside influences and a few other things, it was like the dynamics had done a complete 180 degree turn in the opposite direction.
When he decided to leave I felt torn between should I try to stop him from going or not as I did not cope well with heated arguments I prefer to talk about things when it is calmer its more healthier. So wright or wrong I did not stop him from going which broke my heart. He moved back to his parents in a different state, he kept in contact with me for a while all the time saying how much I hurt him because I didn't stop him from leaving. If I tried to say how much it was hurting me he always came back with saying your not hurting and if you loved me you would have stopped me from leaving.
My ex has been in a few relationships since our split up and now has a child with each of those women. I guess with us living in different states has made things more difficult due to the many miles away. He goes for a few years with having no contact with me or our child then all of a sudden makes contact again and wants to talk about our split up and says he wants to give our relationship another go. Then after a while he ceases contact again.
Once again I find my self in the situation where he has made contact with me again bringing up out past relationship and thinks about us getting back together. I know he is in a really bad place within himself and feels like he is in a big black hole which I can relate to as I have been there myself. I know he is drinking alcohol every day and possibly smoking pot too. He is also in a lot of debt owing about $40,000 in child support plus another $2,000 in traffic offences, roughly another $5,000 in credit card debt and that's just the debts he has told me about.
I am completely debt free and as before mentioned I own my own home. I would really like to help him sort himself out and I know he cant do it where he is because he wouldnt get the support and help he needs. I just dont want to get myself in the situation where I am jeopardising myself, our almost adult child and losing my own financial security.
I would really appreciate any advice given. Thank you in advance...
Ditto ditto ditto to all of the above.
Don't even entertain the thought for a second. This is a grown adult who needs to grow up, and with people bailing him out of his consequences, that will never happen. Personally, being that far in arrears in child support, his behind BELONGS in jail. He needs to use condoms if he cannot financially or emotionally support a child. That's been proven (by HIM) time and time again,.
Be thankful he isn't your problem. I'm sorry that things can't be different, and I wish he would at LEAST be a part of those children's lives, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon.
You're doing an amazing job, being both Mom AND Dad! I think his Mom may have been smarter than you realized at the time when she told him to take a step back. My guess is, she was protecting those grandchildren who were probably on an emotional roller coaster with their Dad (and Mom). She actually did them a favor, in hindsight.
Very best to you...keep doing what you're doing. I wouldn't even communicate with him in any way, personally.
Don't even entertain the thought for a second. This is a grown adult who needs to grow up, and with people bailing him out of his consequences, that will never happen. Personally, being that far in arrears in child support, his behind BELONGS in jail. He needs to use condoms if he cannot financially or emotionally support a child. That's been proven (by HIM) time and time again,.
Be thankful he isn't your problem. I'm sorry that things can't be different, and I wish he would at LEAST be a part of those children's lives, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon.
You're doing an amazing job, being both Mom AND Dad! I think his Mom may have been smarter than you realized at the time when she told him to take a step back. My guess is, she was protecting those grandchildren who were probably on an emotional roller coaster with their Dad (and Mom). She actually did them a favor, in hindsight.
Very best to you...keep doing what you're doing. I wouldn't even communicate with him in any way, personally.
What's there to be torn about? The guy is nothing more than a child who can't take care of himself. That's why you shouldn't have children with a child, they cause nothing but trouble and they keep crawling back when everyone else has slammed the door in their face! This guy isn't a man, a MAN would be independent, self sufficient, with a career and a home and other things that he has acquired because he earned it. This ex of yours is nothing but a little boy who literally can't even tie his own shoes without the help of the woman he happens to be shacking up with and schtupping the time.
It sounds like he has at least 5-6 different baby mommas including you and I'm sure he doesn't care about any of those kids that he helped to create and bring into this world. What on earth would possess you to even consider bringing a loser like him back into your life after he has been gone for so long? So what if he is your baby daddy! He is also bd to multiple others as well, so why don't they take that burden, why do you have to do it? Cause they all got smart and kicked him to the curb and told him to get lost, that's why!
The ONLY reason why he keeps popping up randomly like a herpes sore is because the last woman he was with has gotten sick of his immaturity and stupidity and kicked him out. He is not contacting you out of some major epiphany realizing that you belong together and should be a family and whatever other BS fairytale crap he was spewing at you. It's all BS, he is just looking for a handout and a place to stay for the time being until another unassuming woman comes along for him to impregnate with yet another spawn that he couldn't care less about.
I'm sorry if all this is harsh but I want you to wake up and realize that you have a good life right now. Debt free, own your own home, things are going well, etc. If you let him harsh your mellow at this point, you can kiss your credit rating goodbye, you can kiss your lovely home goodbye and you can kiss your sense of peace goodbye because he will bring you nothing but major trouble. That is a fact, and I think it really ***** when women who are in a good place financially and actually end up stupidly taking back their ex's only to have everything fall apart on them once again. I really really hate that.
It sounds like he has at least 5-6 different baby mommas including you and I'm sure he doesn't care about any of those kids that he helped to create and bring into this world. What on earth would possess you to even consider bringing a loser like him back into your life after he has been gone for so long? So what if he is your baby daddy! He is also bd to multiple others as well, so why don't they take that burden, why do you have to do it? Cause they all got smart and kicked him to the curb and told him to get lost, that's why!
The ONLY reason why he keeps popping up randomly like a herpes sore is because the last woman he was with has gotten sick of his immaturity and stupidity and kicked him out. He is not contacting you out of some major epiphany realizing that you belong together and should be a family and whatever other BS fairytale crap he was spewing at you. It's all BS, he is just looking for a handout and a place to stay for the time being until another unassuming woman comes along for him to impregnate with yet another spawn that he couldn't care less about.
I'm sorry if all this is harsh but I want you to wake up and realize that you have a good life right now. Debt free, own your own home, things are going well, etc. If you let him harsh your mellow at this point, you can kiss your credit rating goodbye, you can kiss your lovely home goodbye and you can kiss your sense of peace goodbye because he will bring you nothing but major trouble. That is a fact, and I think it really ***** when women who are in a good place financially and actually end up stupidly taking back their ex's only to have everything fall apart on them once again. I really really hate that.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome to the forum.
Dear, he has a history of not being a great parent. You have a child with him? and he goes in and out of your life even though you two have a kid together? That is most unfortunate. And it sounds like a pattern he's had with his other kids. I have no tolerance for parents that do that. You sound like such a wonderful and lovely lady and I commend you for helping him to stay on track with at least monetary support of his kids that are now adults. It's something, at least, he did for them. think about it--- would YOU ever cease contact with your kids just because your ex asked you to? No way would the majority of parents do that and he did. I get that this was out of your control but you've written things that let me know that he does not take being a parent seriously. he's now had more kids with more women. Very sad for these kids.
I also want you to understand the passive aggressive nature of this man. To blame you for his being gone when he left--- that he is hurt you didn't try to stop him? That is just wrong on many levels. Don't allow him to hold you hostage like that. HE did that to the two of you. He chose to leave.
Frankly, I'm wondering about his mental state. Do you think he has some mental health problems?
No, I would not bail him out. He created his financial status. He's chosen to come and go out of his son's life, your child which is so very hurtful to your son. I would have a hard time forgiving him for that. Kids need both parents to be emotionally invested as well as present in their life. We do grave damage to our children when we aren't there. They grow into adults that often have many problems. And it is so very sad that he's put your son into that position. Thank goodness your son has YOU as you sound stable, thoughtful, loving and giving. If he has that, he will hopefully be okay but make no doubt about it, your husband believing he can walk in and out of his kids lives is damaging.
Had he come to you wanting a stronger relationship with his son and that was what this post was about, I'd be thrilled and tell you to allow that to happen. But . . . that's not what this is about. He's in hot water again and needs a bail out. Don't do it.
wishing you much peace and know that I have the utmost respect for the responsible way you've lived your life. peace
Dear, he has a history of not being a great parent. You have a child with him? and he goes in and out of your life even though you two have a kid together? That is most unfortunate. And it sounds like a pattern he's had with his other kids. I have no tolerance for parents that do that. You sound like such a wonderful and lovely lady and I commend you for helping him to stay on track with at least monetary support of his kids that are now adults. It's something, at least, he did for them. think about it--- would YOU ever cease contact with your kids just because your ex asked you to? No way would the majority of parents do that and he did. I get that this was out of your control but you've written things that let me know that he does not take being a parent seriously. he's now had more kids with more women. Very sad for these kids.
I also want you to understand the passive aggressive nature of this man. To blame you for his being gone when he left--- that he is hurt you didn't try to stop him? That is just wrong on many levels. Don't allow him to hold you hostage like that. HE did that to the two of you. He chose to leave.
Frankly, I'm wondering about his mental state. Do you think he has some mental health problems?
No, I would not bail him out. He created his financial status. He's chosen to come and go out of his son's life, your child which is so very hurtful to your son. I would have a hard time forgiving him for that. Kids need both parents to be emotionally invested as well as present in their life. We do grave damage to our children when we aren't there. They grow into adults that often have many problems. And it is so very sad that he's put your son into that position. Thank goodness your son has YOU as you sound stable, thoughtful, loving and giving. If he has that, he will hopefully be okay but make no doubt about it, your husband believing he can walk in and out of his kids lives is damaging.
Had he come to you wanting a stronger relationship with his son and that was what this post was about, I'd be thrilled and tell you to allow that to happen. But . . . that's not what this is about. He's in hot water again and needs a bail out. Don't do it.
wishing you much peace and know that I have the utmost respect for the responsible way you've lived your life. peace
Problem 1) Taking his mother's advice to NOT see his children?!?! What kind of mother would do that to her grandchildren? They need to see their father even if only once a week. 2) He chose to leave you, and blames you for that? Did you pack up his things and drag him out of your house kicking and screaming? I doubt it. 3) Taking him back? NO, NO, NO!!! You are not his mother. He will only disrupt the quiet and simple life you now enjoy. - Blu
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