Aa
not everyone finds love
I believe I will die alone. I am about to be 21 in a few weeks, and I have known nothing but emptiness and lonliness when it comes to relationships or sex for that matter. I have been rejected by every girl I have ever asked out. I've always been myself, and tried to seem confident. But it has always ended in the same result. "You're nice guy, but I don't feel the same way....." or something like that. It seems no matter what I try, say, or do I'm never good enough for any girl. The pain of the emptiness and despair is overwhelming at times, so much so I feel my heart physically aching. I think I have done a good job of hiding this embarrasing part of me from all of my friends and family. I never thought much of it until I was about 13 or 14 thats when the thought that I could end living my entire life alone started to seem possible. At times I wish that I had no desire for intimacy or sex for that matter, that way I wouldn't feel like this everyday of my life. I deeply desire love, more than money or success. But I feel that it is something I will never be able to obtain. No matter how much I may desire it, and genuinly have it in my heart, I don't think I'll ever find a girl that could love me for who I am. Maybe I'm just as ugly on the inside as I am on the outside. Somethings don't change, no matter how badly you want them to.
I am not going to make light of your situation, because I can feel your pain. But I have to tell you this, you're only 21..... Love isn't one of those things you can force. It's not like hammering a nail into a 2x4.
I am a firm believer that we can look too hard for love and it will evade us. The more attention we put into it, the harder it becomes. Sometimes we do need to just let life happen. I knew I loved my wife from the moment we met. (Yeah, I had girlfriends and I thought I was in love before.... but those girls were as big of a pain in the a$$ as I was. They were relationships. Plain and simple.) When I met my wife, I felt it..... it is nothing I've ever felt before. She made me become more confident than I ever had been before. She made every move I made around her with an obvious intent, other than trying to get laid. (I had never done that before)
Take a few steps back young man. Get yourself involved with a few activities, say, like a gym or if you're religious, a church group for young adults. I think the key is to let yourself start to enjoy life. Take notice of the little things around you. Do the things you enjoy doing. By doing that, you're sure to run into people with the same likes.... the first step in the right direction!
Also, have you considered talking with a therapist? A good therapist can help you with the bit of self doubt and the low self esteem you seem to be suffering with. You know deep inside that you are worthy, I know that. You just need to bring that to the surface and a therapist can help. (There are numerous programs out there for help, but I suggest talking with your primary care physician for starters.)
Yeah, it ***** to tell your story to your doc, then get refered to a therapist to only get to tell your story again. But it's a giant step in the right direction. Do this, then relax a bit. Start doing the things you enjoy... bike riding, fishing, hunting, walking, going to the museums, etc.... whatever it is you like, and enjoy them for what they are. Remember that you are not in a meat market, you are there to enjoy what the world has to offer right now.
I am a firm believer that we can look too hard for love and it will evade us. The more attention we put into it, the harder it becomes. Sometimes we do need to just let life happen. I knew I loved my wife from the moment we met. (Yeah, I had girlfriends and I thought I was in love before.... but those girls were as big of a pain in the a$$ as I was. They were relationships. Plain and simple.) When I met my wife, I felt it..... it is nothing I've ever felt before. She made me become more confident than I ever had been before. She made every move I made around her with an obvious intent, other than trying to get laid. (I had never done that before)
Take a few steps back young man. Get yourself involved with a few activities, say, like a gym or if you're religious, a church group for young adults. I think the key is to let yourself start to enjoy life. Take notice of the little things around you. Do the things you enjoy doing. By doing that, you're sure to run into people with the same likes.... the first step in the right direction!
Also, have you considered talking with a therapist? A good therapist can help you with the bit of self doubt and the low self esteem you seem to be suffering with. You know deep inside that you are worthy, I know that. You just need to bring that to the surface and a therapist can help. (There are numerous programs out there for help, but I suggest talking with your primary care physician for starters.)
Yeah, it ***** to tell your story to your doc, then get refered to a therapist to only get to tell your story again. But it's a giant step in the right direction. Do this, then relax a bit. Start doing the things you enjoy... bike riding, fishing, hunting, walking, going to the museums, etc.... whatever it is you like, and enjoy them for what they are. Remember that you are not in a meat market, you are there to enjoy what the world has to offer right now.
I agree with redhairedaussie in a lot of what she says.
In this post you come across as very desperate to meet somone so they can 'save' you from being unhappy and 'complete' you. Women (most people actually) are very perceptive, and will pick up this desperation in you and that will scare most girls off. You would be giving off very intense and even desperate vibes to females right now, and this is NOT attractive to the opposite sex. It is too much pressure when they sense that you need to be 'saved' by their love. I am a female and I have in the past felt this pressure before - and found it a real turn off. Sorry to be blunt - but I think the advise that helps often is what can be hard to hear.
You need to stop being so obsessed at finding love - I can tell you for sure that you WILL meet somone - (you are only 20!!) but it will be when you are more happy and content with yourself and your life. Once you have found peace and contentment - there will be somone special for you.
The best advise I can give - do activities you enjoy, find fullfillment from YOU rather than thinking you need a girl to give it to you, if you have trouble with this you can get counselling. Once you are in a better place and this "I'm desperate to meet somone to complete me'' subsides into ''it would be nice to meet someone and have somone special in my life'' - then you WILL actually meet someone.
Kind Regards,
Perch.
In this post you come across as very desperate to meet somone so they can 'save' you from being unhappy and 'complete' you. Women (most people actually) are very perceptive, and will pick up this desperation in you and that will scare most girls off. You would be giving off very intense and even desperate vibes to females right now, and this is NOT attractive to the opposite sex. It is too much pressure when they sense that you need to be 'saved' by their love. I am a female and I have in the past felt this pressure before - and found it a real turn off. Sorry to be blunt - but I think the advise that helps often is what can be hard to hear.
You need to stop being so obsessed at finding love - I can tell you for sure that you WILL meet somone - (you are only 20!!) but it will be when you are more happy and content with yourself and your life. Once you have found peace and contentment - there will be somone special for you.
The best advise I can give - do activities you enjoy, find fullfillment from YOU rather than thinking you need a girl to give it to you, if you have trouble with this you can get counselling. Once you are in a better place and this "I'm desperate to meet somone to complete me'' subsides into ''it would be nice to meet someone and have somone special in my life'' - then you WILL actually meet someone.
Kind Regards,
Perch.
I need to ask; why are you putting so much emphasise on having someone to love to feel validated to continue living? I am not trying to be horrible, but I feel you are far too young to be so morbid about love.
Perhaps it isn't so much the girls don't want you but more your approach may not be appropriate. I have a male friend who is very much like you. He tries too hard and gets rejected and then feels horrible that he is not good enough. My simple lesson to him is 'stop trying to make the wedding happen before the first date!'
Maybe you could ask a friend to pretend they are the person you want to ask out, and see what they say about how you go about it. It might be that you are just a bit too full on and girls feel pressured. I know I did when my male friend asked me out. His approach was just way too over the top and I felt too much annoyance at him constantly calling me to see how I was. We are still friends but he still fails to hear what women tell him when he is trying to ask someone out. Take it slow and just pretend you have 100's of girls lined up, not just the one you are asking out, women sense desperation and men tend to act it out.
We all want to be loved and to love, but we also have to accept that it doesn't always come when we want it. It takes patience and time. You WILL find someone to love and be loved by. 21 is not the end of the world. I am 47 and can tell you that you will have many experiences before you find the 'right' girl.
Keep positive, coz that is what girls love. A happy go lucky person is much more attractive!
Cheers.
Perhaps it isn't so much the girls don't want you but more your approach may not be appropriate. I have a male friend who is very much like you. He tries too hard and gets rejected and then feels horrible that he is not good enough. My simple lesson to him is 'stop trying to make the wedding happen before the first date!'
Maybe you could ask a friend to pretend they are the person you want to ask out, and see what they say about how you go about it. It might be that you are just a bit too full on and girls feel pressured. I know I did when my male friend asked me out. His approach was just way too over the top and I felt too much annoyance at him constantly calling me to see how I was. We are still friends but he still fails to hear what women tell him when he is trying to ask someone out. Take it slow and just pretend you have 100's of girls lined up, not just the one you are asking out, women sense desperation and men tend to act it out.
We all want to be loved and to love, but we also have to accept that it doesn't always come when we want it. It takes patience and time. You WILL find someone to love and be loved by. 21 is not the end of the world. I am 47 and can tell you that you will have many experiences before you find the 'right' girl.
Keep positive, coz that is what girls love. A happy go lucky person is much more attractive!
Cheers.
Sometimes you just have to step back from being actively seeking love.
I never had a boyfriend until I was 21. I had crushes, sure, but one lead me on and then told me he liked someone else and proceeded to ask me for help in that relationship despite the fact I had told him I liked him. This was in ninth grade. The ones I had crushes on before went nowhere. The crush I had after him was older and went to college before I could even say anything. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't make any moves there. A second rejection would have lead me into the depths of despair than the first did. It took me years to heal from that crush. In fact, it took me having a crush in college that again lead to some heartbreak for me to decide that I needed to focus on finding me, learning to love me, making myself emotionally well and strong. I decided I would rather be a whole person and alone than allow myself to be slowly chipped away at until I didn't recognize myself anymore as I had allowed that ninth grade crush-gone-haywire to do. I didn't like the suicidal, lonely, sad me. So, I did that. It was hard. There were plenty of good-looking, nice guys I met. Who knows. Some of them could have been interested in me, but I kept my resolve. I focused on my college work, focused on my interests and hobbies, focused on my friendships, focused on learning who I was, and somewhere along the line, I met this guy in choir. We didn't talk much at first, but the more we did, the more we found we had in common. And while I felt myself start to fall for him, I reminded myself to keep true to myself and if it went somewhere, it went somewhere. If it didn't, it didn't. I still had my own likes and dislikes, things I could do, friends I could spend time with. Sure enough, he eventually asked for my number and eventually, we went on a date. A year and a half later, we're still together, and we have a healthy relationship. We spend plenty of time together, but we both enjoy doing our own things, too.
I was the same way as you before. I wanted someone in my life. I really, really wanted someone in my life. I wanted someone I could give my love to and who would love me back. I was afraid no one would ever like me because I was too quiet, too this, too that. I was so wrapped up in that desire that I forgot the most important thing: in order to love someone, you have to love yourself. As I learned to love myself, I became more and more outgoing, more able to give of myself to make different types of relationships (friendships, familial) work fairly and equally and become strong. I became more and more confident.
From what you write, it sounds like you've been very wrapped up in your desire for love and allowing the fear of being alone, dying alone, hold you back and lead you in life. The best advice I have for you is this: don't let your fear be your guide. Because if you do, you may very well find yourself repeating this pattern, and maybe you will find someone eventually, but will you really be able to give this person your all if you are so afraid of losing them and being alone? Take a break from relationships and get to know yourself. Get to know yourself and what you like and enjoy doing. Get to know yourself through how you interact with authority figures (teachers, bosses, etc.), acquaintances, strangers, friends, and family. Make it a goal to focus on one positive thing about yourself whether it's a quality you possess in your personality/character or in your looks each day. Keep a journal about your thoughts and feelings to help learn little things about yourself you didn't know you thought or believed. Most of all, don't criticize yourself. If you do something wrong, accept it as a mistake you made and make it a goal to learn from that mistake and improve. Move on. It won't happen overnight, but you will notice your confidence start to grow little by little as you learn to love yourself. Confidence is a trait people like. Desperateness isn't.
I wish you the best of luck! You deserve someone in your life, but you also deserve to be confident and happy in life even when you are single. Learn to love yourself and enjoy life, and if someone comes along once you've accomplished this, make that step. Make that move.
I never had a boyfriend until I was 21. I had crushes, sure, but one lead me on and then told me he liked someone else and proceeded to ask me for help in that relationship despite the fact I had told him I liked him. This was in ninth grade. The ones I had crushes on before went nowhere. The crush I had after him was older and went to college before I could even say anything. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't make any moves there. A second rejection would have lead me into the depths of despair than the first did. It took me years to heal from that crush. In fact, it took me having a crush in college that again lead to some heartbreak for me to decide that I needed to focus on finding me, learning to love me, making myself emotionally well and strong. I decided I would rather be a whole person and alone than allow myself to be slowly chipped away at until I didn't recognize myself anymore as I had allowed that ninth grade crush-gone-haywire to do. I didn't like the suicidal, lonely, sad me. So, I did that. It was hard. There were plenty of good-looking, nice guys I met. Who knows. Some of them could have been interested in me, but I kept my resolve. I focused on my college work, focused on my interests and hobbies, focused on my friendships, focused on learning who I was, and somewhere along the line, I met this guy in choir. We didn't talk much at first, but the more we did, the more we found we had in common. And while I felt myself start to fall for him, I reminded myself to keep true to myself and if it went somewhere, it went somewhere. If it didn't, it didn't. I still had my own likes and dislikes, things I could do, friends I could spend time with. Sure enough, he eventually asked for my number and eventually, we went on a date. A year and a half later, we're still together, and we have a healthy relationship. We spend plenty of time together, but we both enjoy doing our own things, too.
I was the same way as you before. I wanted someone in my life. I really, really wanted someone in my life. I wanted someone I could give my love to and who would love me back. I was afraid no one would ever like me because I was too quiet, too this, too that. I was so wrapped up in that desire that I forgot the most important thing: in order to love someone, you have to love yourself. As I learned to love myself, I became more and more outgoing, more able to give of myself to make different types of relationships (friendships, familial) work fairly and equally and become strong. I became more and more confident.
From what you write, it sounds like you've been very wrapped up in your desire for love and allowing the fear of being alone, dying alone, hold you back and lead you in life. The best advice I have for you is this: don't let your fear be your guide. Because if you do, you may very well find yourself repeating this pattern, and maybe you will find someone eventually, but will you really be able to give this person your all if you are so afraid of losing them and being alone? Take a break from relationships and get to know yourself. Get to know yourself and what you like and enjoy doing. Get to know yourself through how you interact with authority figures (teachers, bosses, etc.), acquaintances, strangers, friends, and family. Make it a goal to focus on one positive thing about yourself whether it's a quality you possess in your personality/character or in your looks each day. Keep a journal about your thoughts and feelings to help learn little things about yourself you didn't know you thought or believed. Most of all, don't criticize yourself. If you do something wrong, accept it as a mistake you made and make it a goal to learn from that mistake and improve. Move on. It won't happen overnight, but you will notice your confidence start to grow little by little as you learn to love yourself. Confidence is a trait people like. Desperateness isn't.
I wish you the best of luck! You deserve someone in your life, but you also deserve to be confident and happy in life even when you are single. Learn to love yourself and enjoy life, and if someone comes along once you've accomplished this, make that step. Make that move.
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