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Was my overly sexual childhood normal?

Hi. So I had many childhood sexual experiences that cause me great guilt and overall uncomfortableness to this day. So it all started at Avery early age. I remember being maybe between 3 and 6 and my brother was maybe 2 to 4. When we were outside together alone I would tell him if he didn’t do this or that I would pee on his foot. And I would squat over his foot fully clothed and everything. Well one time I actually pulled down my pants and squatted over his foot but felt really weird and pulled up my pants and never did anything like that to my brother again. I also masturbated from a very young age and it didn’t matter in front of who or when, I would just go for it. I was always fully clothed but my parents called it “rubbing in the the floor” and told me to stop so then I just did it in secret. Sometimes I would do this for hours until I was all sweaty and rubbed raw down there. I don’t know why I was so obsessed with the act other than it felt good:

At about age seven I was touched inappropriately by a boy in school. My mom saw it and I went to counseling for about a few months to talk it over. It was hard and I think that’s really what jumpstarted my overly sexual childhood.

I also used to be obsessed with peeing “like a boy.” Every chance i got to pee outside ñ, i would. Looking back, i guess it turned me on as gross as that is to say. Anything I went camping I would snake off to go pee outside on a bush or something. Instead of using the outhouse I would pee outside of it practically on it. To this day, the act of seeing a guy pee in odd locations in porn like outside or all over a hotel turns me on but I myself don’t pee anytime expect in a toilet normally.

At about the age of nine I met this boy around the same age of me. He always used to pee outside where I could see it and would have me tell him when to do it and where and I think I enjoyed seeing it. He also one time pulled me aside and showed me his penis. He did this peeing in front of me in front of my brother and his own brother and I think this further fetishized peeing for me.

I am now 20 and feel weird and guilty about my past. I masturbate occasionally and watch porn rarely but I feel almost afraid of sex in a way. I have a boyfriend who loves me yet I’m almost afraid to do anything more than hug him. If I make out with him or discuss sex with him I feel guilty. I’m a virgin and feel my uncle may have sexually assaulted me at a young age and I don’t remember it all. I feel weird about all things sexual and feel bad for my brother for what I used to do to him. I also take anxiety medicine now for my bad anxiety.
Am I normal? Why am I afraid of sex? Why was my childhood so sexual? Am I overthinking everything? I don’t know, thanks for listening to my rant I guess. Any replies help
3 Responses
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134578 tn?1614729226
I don't know much about what you are asking except to say a lot of little children (boys and girls) masturbate. People write in on this site mentioning things like their child in diapers rubbing on the strap of her carseat, meaning, it happens quite young. And I don't suppose it happens in response to being molested, kids just sometimes find that area and rub on it or with it. If you were an anxious kid, you probably liked the feeling as a stress reliever.
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Avatar universal
Although I agree with previous comment, sexual arousal at such a young age, and moreover - having sexual fetishes like.peeing or watching someone pee tend to have their own triggers. Children who avidly masturbate without knowing it is a private thing, and something you don't do in front of the others usually have suffered abuse in the past. If you've seen documentary "the child of rage" which is about a girl who has suffered sexual abuse at extremely young age you might find similarities: masturbating til she hurt her private parts, sexually abusing her younger brother...naming a few. Although she had memories of being assaulted and molested. I don't see the same in you.
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Avatar universal
Go get IFS therapy. You've got work to do.
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