Is is possible to forgive your cheating Fiancé

[BrokenRomeo31]

I have been with my fiancé for 5 years , we have a beautiful 4 yr old Daughter
I thought I had everything until I had found out that my fiancé had been in a secret relationship with a co worker. I had seen messages going back a year , and when I confronted her she had admitted to it being a physical relationship that started 2 years ago  but she did not want me to leave her.
I stayed because she said it was over and I have so much love for her and our daughter but now I cant close my eyes without thinking of her and her co worker that I had met , I cant stop wondering why? And how i didn't know. Every time i start having happy moment i remember the happy moment we already had and realize she was able to have a secret lover at the same time. Then I get depressed and shut down , I have been left for another guy before and it hurt but this , this hurts allot more and i dont know what to do or even where to go.
We had built a life together a place, bills out child.
How do i go on with her knowing what had happened
How do i live knowing ill never be able to be happy with this pain inside

[TTinKKerBBell]

I simply want to share that I totally relate to Your sense of Her deceit.

I was in Your boat

I recall feeling 'fear' (among MANY other feelings of anguish and despeair); unable to trust my own judgements, perceptions; feeling that the Man(?) I was married to was basically (afterall) a 'stranger'.  It was a 'fearful' feeling to realize that the person I was married to, the father of my Children, could come home to us, love(?) us, interact with us, and simply, just pull the whole thing off!! That's cold, REALLY REALLY cold, and 'scary' to realize someone You think is committed to You is capable of 'that kind' of deceit.  Makes You wonder, REALLY REALLY wonder how far this person can take her/his deceit: a truely fearful realization.

[specialmom]

I'm all for families trying to stay together.  If you love her, work it out.  I took "wanting to stay with her" to mean lots of things and that is not just financial.  For me as a mother, nothing would hurt more than ripping my family apart and hurting my kids by separating my husband and myself.  THAT would be very motivating much more so over finances.  And it IS possible to love two people at once.

Often, relationships have holes in them that creates a situation in which someone looks for something outside of the relationship.  Often it isn't even sex but that feeling of being appreciated, loved, etc. that sometimes gets lost in the day to day lives when in a long term relationship.  It's work for sure to make sure that it is not lost.  Perhaps she was seeking something such as this.  And working on this within your relationship not only heals your end but hers as well.  

Seek counseling if you want this to work. I know many couples who stay together and love each other very much after a betrayal that you describe.

The tape recorder in your head can be turned off through therapy and communication (tape recorder means the constant questioning and worry and anger).  good luck and I admire you for trying.  Many would just give up when there is still a family that can be kept.  peace

[RockRose]

You have so eloquently stated the feelings and dilemmas of being cheated on,  Broken.  

This is your decision.  You're right,  the fact that this went on for such a long time,  and she was so well able to hide it the whole time is magnitudes worse than a one time loss of judgement.  

Time will tell whether you're going to be able to move on past this.  I'm not sure I would choose that - she's capable of such complete deception,  what other deceptions will she create in the coming years?

One thing,  I think it's probably important that you don't force her to give you details.  Details are worse.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and also really sorry for you and have been there myself a few times. Was it something that you did to make this happen? No it was not. Problems in relationships can be worked out with out deciet involved.
The key to her attitude about this is her saying she did not want you to leave her. To me this emplies she wants the best of both worlds and i suspect financial may be a reason.
She says its over but in my mind i would think yes but what about the next one.

There are many things we can forgive and i would forgive her for this but not stay with her. Go find someone who only wants you.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm so sorry.  It hurts to be betrayed.  You've decided to try to make it work which I think is admirable especially since you have a daughter together that would love for mom and dad to stay together.

But that doesn't mean it is going to be easy.  It's natural to have many lingering questions, hurt, anger, and fear.  

Would she be willing to see a marriage counselor with you?  I think that so absolutely helps when a couple is trying to heal after something like this.