Sons 'ganging' up on me over money

[feelingsofragile]

In the past year I have personally dealt with illness scares, the loss of a sibling, and now my sons cutting me out of their lives.

For years I cared for my ailing sister through her deteriorating illness, as she had no family of her own. my sons never came to my assistance, as her conditioned got worse, in fact they never really showed support throughout her illness.
Christmas and birthdays is all about they struggled to manage, then that eventually stopped.
All those years, I accounted in full all legal expenses for my sister, to prove where her finances were going, these were provided as evidence to the appropriate courts for my sisters own protection.
Well, time moved on and my sister failing health took her, and that is when the trouble begins.

My sons have all decided to gang up on me, they've turned up at my home (always together), accused me of stealing my sisters money which they feel should be there as part of her will. They seem to forget private nursing care and all necessary help from services had to be paid for out of her cash assets.

My partner was so frightened, one evening she was ready to phone the police when they refused to leave our house.

They say they are not accusing me, but want to know where all the money went.  
Ive told them if they wish to know those details, they have to legally apply to the courts to see the records, but they won't, so they would rather bad mouth me to others, and draw anybody in who will listen to their lies.

They have now nearly alienated my teenage grandchildren from me, with the exception of one who has made it clear they do not wish to be brought in to their problems, or have it brought to their home.

I never thought I would see this kind of bad nature in my own children, its like something off of Jerry Springer.
I truly do not know how they see and hear themselves on how they are acting like this.

I have always been there for them in their times of troubles, a roof over their head a listening ear, but now it all seems forgotten.

In my retirement years I have gained many wonderful caring friends, who are now supporting me though my own personal health issues, along with the love and support I have from my partner and grandchild. And for that I am thankful.

My question is; with regard to the grandchildren who have been alienated from me, who are old enough to travel and make contact with me what should I do, or should accept they too are out of my life?

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, so let me confirm your situation. Your sons want to know where your sister money went? If true then tell them the truth and the truth is that its YOUR business! And for the grandchildren, if their love for you is pure, this would not affect them but its possible that they have been corrupted by your sons already.  Things like this can have a lasting effect and money can surely separate families.

[CML2014]

Hi Feelings,

Well at least you have one teenage grandchild who has some common sense, and will make their own decision.. Teenagers don't need much to stay away from family---life in the fast young lane (remember).
So things could change there in time.

As far as your sons--they are ungrateful and selfish. They should absolutely have the court provide information on monetary matters. You do NOT owe them any explaination.

I would tell them if they wish to continue with this behavior--you have no need for them in your life. Do not take their phone calls or answer the door when they come a knocking. Grandchildren will have to go with them.

Believe me this is the hardest thing to do, but we have had to do this with my stepson and his 2 children. It will begin to effect your health trust me. Not easy but you would be surprised at how many parents have done this.

Good Luck,
CML

[RockRose]

Well,  death can sure bring out the worst in families.

Did your sister die leaving a will?   Was the Will probated and the estate legally divided among legal heirs?

[specialmom]

I guess if it were me, I'd tell my kids where the money went.  My kids matter more to me than money or some principal----  if they wanted to know and said they weren't accusing me, then I'd show them.  

I personally have to wonder why you don't show them.  

good luck

[thirdtimemum]

Hmmmm, I am wondering too if maybe your sons are upset because they thought your sister was leaving money in her will to them, and instead now they received nothing due to her health and care costs. Maybe for some selfish reason they think you have squirrelled it all away for yourself, and they want answers. Unfortunately deaths in families and money matters bring out the worst in some people. While it is true that they could go to the courts to get all the statements, since they are your sons, maybe you could all sit down together and show them all the expenses? That way you are laying it all out on the table, and it could keep the peace with them, as I say, they are your sons. If they are not satisfied after this, definately let them go through the court system, you have done all you can, you have explained yourself loud and clear.
I am so sorry that all your family had alienated you and have treated you like this, I couldn't think of anything worse than my children turning against me, but it does happen to so many people. Hold your head high and know that you have done all you could for your family, including the wonderful care you gave your sister.

[feelingsofragile]

The reason why we don't show them is because all the official record documents are held with the law courts in London, who appointed me to act on behalf of my sister.

[feelingsofragile]

Yes, she died leaving a will equal shares to all my children and my self. And I have no problem with that, and I have expressed this many many times, as I hope that my grandchildren will gain some benefit from their financial situation.

[feelingsofragile]

I have tried talking with them, but all they seem to want to do is rant and rave and throw accusations at me and my partner, which is now turning in to text form.

[CML2014]

So are you saying that they were left equal shares but never received anything due to health care costs prior to her death.....or did they receive their share of what was left and thought there should be more?

[RockRose]

I think we're all completely confused here,  feelingsofragile.

Your sister left you and your children all equal portions - and they received their portion but they think there was more to be distributed that you are hiding?  

I really think if that's the case,  you need to get these records and show them that you fairly distributed what was left in her estate when she died,  and you didn't take more than your share.

You don't have to fly to London to get this,  if you were executor you are legally entitled to these records.

[specialmom]

Yes, I feel like a piece is missing too.  I'd make the effort to be transparent to your children.  If the relationship with them matters to you, YOU make that effort to get the information for them.  good luck