Aa
When love hurts
Im so crazy in love , more then I could have ever imagined. Problem is, no matter how much I love him and he loves me, we still seem to hurt one another in small ways. Even though it may be a small hurt, Im guessing because my love is so great, the hurt is greater then I would expect it to be. I know it sounds confusing. Id love some advice. The issue really is "his " issue with his ex. When she upsets him( they have three kids together) it somehow trickes into his behaviour towards me, which in turn hurts me. We had a very intense discussion on this topic a mth ago & I was hurt with the way he spoke to me on the phone after he had an incident with her, it happened twice, the man I loved turned cold, listless & unable to communicate with me, not even in our normal loving happy as happy can be way. I cant understand why he turns me away when she upsets him instead of pulling me near for comfort like I do him. I know us men & women are different. But this has happened again this week, I got upset with him ( with the cold , who the heck is this person Im talking too conversation) and then he in turn was hurt by me getting upset with him. .
I love him more then I can imagine, but how do we fix this. She will always be in his life, and he will possibly always have issues with her, but how do I stop it from indirectly hurting our relationship???
I want to be understanding, but how can I be when Im hurting...Im not the type to keep it all insuide..it kinda falls out like hot lava & then Im good..but then hes upset HELPPPPP.
I love him more then I can imagine, but how do we fix this. She will always be in his life, and he will possibly always have issues with her, but how do I stop it from indirectly hurting our relationship???
I want to be understanding, but how can I be when Im hurting...Im not the type to keep it all insuide..it kinda falls out like hot lava & then Im good..but then hes upset HELPPPPP.
I just wanted to update my situation. My b/f has taken a stand with his ex. Last weekend when she said Im too scared to be alone with the kids, the youngest is almost 4, so she said she cant lift him , therfore unable to manage to care for him for the two days. But my b/f stood his ground and compromised with her. We took the bouncy four yr old and she kept the 7 & 9 yr old. This was the first weekend since Chrsitmas that we actually had less then 3 kids. It was nice. Normally when its "our weekend" our ex's do look after the kids. I look forward to having a weekend kid free one day & have been doing my best to understand her power over him. Again, all week she insists he stay with them on a full time basis, she doesnt get up with the kids, she doesnt pick them up from school, bath them ...nothing. He does it all. She hasnt made one attempt to help herself with regards to the children. Yet she leaves a cpl times a week by herself, doesnt tell him where she is, unavailable on cell phone, and comes home whenever she likes with no explanation of where she is. The nurse calls to come by & she doesnt even respect the homecare agency enough to call them & reschedule. As its was her weekend, she seems to be in perfect health again.. as he hasnt heard or seen her from Friday till today. Again , the nurses called her & her cell & she wouldnt even answer.
I told him he must make a stand & if he knows she is manipulating him, then he is part of the problem. So he has stepped up his game & is determined to not allow her to alter " our relationship ". He speaks to me lovinly each call & I know we will work out whatever curve balls she may throw. I even suggested when we get our house , asking her if he can have full custody. He said I dont think she will go for that.
She has diverculousis( may not ave spelled it correct). So im sure her illness will always have an impact on her life....I will do my best to understand...but I will also insist her life no longer " control" ours :).
I told him he must make a stand & if he knows she is manipulating him, then he is part of the problem. So he has stepped up his game & is determined to not allow her to alter " our relationship ". He speaks to me lovinly each call & I know we will work out whatever curve balls she may throw. I even suggested when we get our house , asking her if he can have full custody. He said I dont think she will go for that.
She has diverculousis( may not ave spelled it correct). So im sure her illness will always have an impact on her life....I will do my best to understand...but I will also insist her life no longer " control" ours :).
Your story is much clearer to me now. It really does seem as though his ex has some weird issues with letting him go.
However, I'm still going to stand by what I mentioned about the recovery time from intestinal surgery and pain killers probably playing a part in her attitude. That's probably not the foundation of the problem, but I'm sure it's not helping matters for now.
Also, I'll still stand by the fact that your bf is allowing himself to be taken advantage of by her. He really sounds like a wonderful father who will do anything for his kids, but at the same time, it sounds like he's taking it all on himself to care for them and letting his ex call the shots in parenting as well. That's where he has to put his foot down, but it's up to him.
BabyHardiman--When I replied to this post, not all the dots were connected for me. This is what I was reading: Poster has bf, bf has chronically ill ex recovering from intestinal surgery, bf and ex have kids together, ex needs help from the father of her children with the kids and he lives ½ hour away, and bf and poster have a problem with that.
Perhaps I'm a little old-fashioned at age 23, but yes, had the story remained like this, I would've stood by my response of him being obligated to help his ex with the kids (notice how I didn't say he has to be her full-time nurse, but only to be there to help care for the kids until she's better recovered).
Have you ever watched and lived with someone who has had a chunk of their colon removed? It's very slow and painful, and physically weakening for practically 3-5 months. And like I said, what I read in the beginning only made me sympathize with the ex based on how much I had to physically help my mom through her recovery with some of the simplest things, especially in the first 2 months.
So if this were my situation, and my ex happened to still live nearby, and he were the primary caretaker of my child, yes I'd be there to help as much as I could for caring for our child, and I'd even offer what I could to help him with other little things--that's just the decent, humane thing to do (but no, I would refuse to be his full-time nurse). If I felt that I was being taken advantage of by him, I'd stand up to him, but still be willing to care for my child at any given time, because my child is my responsibility at all times, even if he didn't live with me. And forgive me, but the first couple of posts sounded to me like the father resented that just because his ex was requesting it more often while she was recovering.
I agree with you that she needs to find resources to accomodate her own life. It sounds like the father is making all the right moves *except* for standing up for himself.
However, I'm still going to stand by what I mentioned about the recovery time from intestinal surgery and pain killers probably playing a part in her attitude. That's probably not the foundation of the problem, but I'm sure it's not helping matters for now.
Also, I'll still stand by the fact that your bf is allowing himself to be taken advantage of by her. He really sounds like a wonderful father who will do anything for his kids, but at the same time, it sounds like he's taking it all on himself to care for them and letting his ex call the shots in parenting as well. That's where he has to put his foot down, but it's up to him.
BabyHardiman--When I replied to this post, not all the dots were connected for me. This is what I was reading: Poster has bf, bf has chronically ill ex recovering from intestinal surgery, bf and ex have kids together, ex needs help from the father of her children with the kids and he lives ½ hour away, and bf and poster have a problem with that.
Perhaps I'm a little old-fashioned at age 23, but yes, had the story remained like this, I would've stood by my response of him being obligated to help his ex with the kids (notice how I didn't say he has to be her full-time nurse, but only to be there to help care for the kids until she's better recovered).
Have you ever watched and lived with someone who has had a chunk of their colon removed? It's very slow and painful, and physically weakening for practically 3-5 months. And like I said, what I read in the beginning only made me sympathize with the ex based on how much I had to physically help my mom through her recovery with some of the simplest things, especially in the first 2 months.
So if this were my situation, and my ex happened to still live nearby, and he were the primary caretaker of my child, yes I'd be there to help as much as I could for caring for our child, and I'd even offer what I could to help him with other little things--that's just the decent, humane thing to do (but no, I would refuse to be his full-time nurse). If I felt that I was being taken advantage of by him, I'd stand up to him, but still be willing to care for my child at any given time, because my child is my responsibility at all times, even if he didn't live with me. And forgive me, but the first couple of posts sounded to me like the father resented that just because his ex was requesting it more often while she was recovering.
I agree with you that she needs to find resources to accomodate her own life. It sounds like the father is making all the right moves *except* for standing up for himself.
also Thanks to all of you for your opinions. Its truely hard to fit evry though & every emotion into everything we write & I know things something can come off a little harsher then they are meant to, I still value all your experiences & again say Thanks :).
Wow..thats better...I love hearing a clearhead in the crowd. THANKS SO MUCH BABYHARDIMAN.
You ladies have certainly helped me with some of my struggles for sure.
Note please: Not once ever I ever say she was "faking her illness" I specifically said she has been chronically sick with an illness. I also said, or at least tried to say, that even before her surgery, her weekend with Her b/f she was all fine & dandy, but when it was His weekend with his g/f..aka Me...then she would all of a sudden be too sick to be left alone again..the woman has friends...yet she decides & directs him to stay .
No he doesnt have his own place, he shares a small place with his sister closeby, so he is always available for HER to call on him whenever she needs anything for their children. Even after we were together a couple mths ( she knew about me) ...she tells their kids that daddy should marry mommy..( even though she herself has a b/f). Some ppl just never let go.
Because he loves his kids so much, when she is sick, when she calls at 2am or when she doesnt come back from her boyfriends for a week, He has the kids...she is the deadbeat..despite her illness. Im not attcking a women who is down on her health, Im attacking her manipulative ways she tortures my b/f by using their kids.
We are in CANADA here, no MEDICAL BILLS, he pays HER rent & his, He pays Her bills & His.. Resources are avaiable FREE OF CHARGE to help her , she doesnt choose to do this because she guilts him into staying with her becasue shes afraid to be alone. They have never been married & he has been the caretaker of the kids more then she has.
I am not begruding her the father of her chilren, just the idea of THEM ever being a couple again. As I said its not fair to him and he also needs some down time. She can have a friend come & stay for two nights..whats the big deal. He is a call away if something is wrong with the kids?
It was her intestional wall that she had a problem with, ( part of her large intestine removed actually) I know its a painful surgery, its been two mths already, she is not an invaild & if she can go to the mall with her g/f for a few hours shopping, then she can watch HER own kids for a weekend .
This is about me trying to manage a relationship I desire more than anything, becasue this love I have is amazing & we work amazing, we are the same, we love each other...yet this dark cloud she forces over our relationship does take effect, I just needed some advice on how to handle this without throwing away a love that is more powerful then Ive evr had before. Im not a child here, I know when something is right. I just wated to know how others handle Ex's that still want their man!
You ladies have certainly helped me with some of my struggles for sure.
Note please: Not once ever I ever say she was "faking her illness" I specifically said she has been chronically sick with an illness. I also said, or at least tried to say, that even before her surgery, her weekend with Her b/f she was all fine & dandy, but when it was His weekend with his g/f..aka Me...then she would all of a sudden be too sick to be left alone again..the woman has friends...yet she decides & directs him to stay .
No he doesnt have his own place, he shares a small place with his sister closeby, so he is always available for HER to call on him whenever she needs anything for their children. Even after we were together a couple mths ( she knew about me) ...she tells their kids that daddy should marry mommy..( even though she herself has a b/f). Some ppl just never let go.
Because he loves his kids so much, when she is sick, when she calls at 2am or when she doesnt come back from her boyfriends for a week, He has the kids...she is the deadbeat..despite her illness. Im not attcking a women who is down on her health, Im attacking her manipulative ways she tortures my b/f by using their kids.
We are in CANADA here, no MEDICAL BILLS, he pays HER rent & his, He pays Her bills & His.. Resources are avaiable FREE OF CHARGE to help her , she doesnt choose to do this because she guilts him into staying with her becasue shes afraid to be alone. They have never been married & he has been the caretaker of the kids more then she has.
I am not begruding her the father of her chilren, just the idea of THEM ever being a couple again. As I said its not fair to him and he also needs some down time. She can have a friend come & stay for two nights..whats the big deal. He is a call away if something is wrong with the kids?
It was her intestional wall that she had a problem with, ( part of her large intestine removed actually) I know its a painful surgery, its been two mths already, she is not an invaild & if she can go to the mall with her g/f for a few hours shopping, then she can watch HER own kids for a weekend .
This is about me trying to manage a relationship I desire more than anything, becasue this love I have is amazing & we work amazing, we are the same, we love each other...yet this dark cloud she forces over our relationship does take effect, I just needed some advice on how to handle this without throwing away a love that is more powerful then Ive evr had before. Im not a child here, I know when something is right. I just wated to know how others handle Ex's that still want their man!
Really, this is your bf issue and it's something he needs to resolve with his ex. There's not a whole lot you can or should you do. Like AJH said, colon surgery is very painful so I doubt she is faking it to get him to do stuff except take care of the kids. Besides, he is saying "yes" to it all.
I had surgery a few years ago and I never knew such pain. Even the pain killers they gave me didn't work that well. I was on morphine in the hospital and it didn't make dent in the pain. Family had to take care of me b/c I couldn't do anything for myself. It's a terrible feeling to be so dependent and feel so helpless.
Maybe when she is well, you can have a meeting like jml1986 and get things worked out so that everyone feels included and the children are cared for and then everyone is happy. It's worth a try. Good luck.
I had surgery a few years ago and I never knew such pain. Even the pain killers they gave me didn't work that well. I was on morphine in the hospital and it didn't make dent in the pain. Family had to take care of me b/c I couldn't do anything for myself. It's a terrible feeling to be so dependent and feel so helpless.
Maybe when she is well, you can have a meeting like jml1986 and get things worked out so that everyone feels included and the children are cared for and then everyone is happy. It's worth a try. Good luck.
He is the father of the children, but he is no longer her husband. She needs to find resources to accomodate her OWN life.
Can the kids move in with him? Does he have his own place?
AJH84, would you drop your life right now and move to another state to take care of your ex.. just because he is the father of your child? I mean he "still has a right to demand this from you", right? I really can't believe you seriously think that he is "obligated" to devote his life to her because "she is the mother of his kids". That being said, I hope you are willing to drop everything in your new life to go and wait on your ex hand and foot if he falls ill.
Can the kids move in with him? Does he have his own place?
AJH84, would you drop your life right now and move to another state to take care of your ex.. just because he is the father of your child? I mean he "still has a right to demand this from you", right? I really can't believe you seriously think that he is "obligated" to devote his life to her because "she is the mother of his kids". That being said, I hope you are willing to drop everything in your new life to go and wait on your ex hand and foot if he falls ill.
Just wanted to add a note: I'm not trying to be rude or judge your situation personally. I'm just going by what you've posted.
At first, you made it sound like your BF resents the fact that he has a responsibility obligation to his kids and even partially to his ex wife. Maybe not. It just sounds that way.
But I just wanted to point out, as having gone through a situation of dealing with a family member who recovered from colon surgery, the physical pain is a real downer. And it's constant not only for the recovering person, but for the people in direct contact with them. It's difficult to deal with the crankiness sometimes. Trust me, I know. I was cranky for 10 days after a tonsillectomy, so I can't imagine what my mom felt like for months and months! Between the pain and the meds, it's hard to live with a positive attitude.
This is where your BF needs to watch his attitude, and try harder to stay positive. That's up to him. He gets to choose how he feels, he gets to choose if he's going to let her take advantage of him if it really is unnecessary for him to help so much.
She's only a small part of the problem. He's most of it, only because he is letting himself be miserable.
At first, you made it sound like your BF resents the fact that he has a responsibility obligation to his kids and even partially to his ex wife. Maybe not. It just sounds that way.
But I just wanted to point out, as having gone through a situation of dealing with a family member who recovered from colon surgery, the physical pain is a real downer. And it's constant not only for the recovering person, but for the people in direct contact with them. It's difficult to deal with the crankiness sometimes. Trust me, I know. I was cranky for 10 days after a tonsillectomy, so I can't imagine what my mom felt like for months and months! Between the pain and the meds, it's hard to live with a positive attitude.
This is where your BF needs to watch his attitude, and try harder to stay positive. That's up to him. He gets to choose how he feels, he gets to choose if he's going to let her take advantage of him if it really is unnecessary for him to help so much.
She's only a small part of the problem. He's most of it, only because he is letting himself be miserable.
My goodness, if the woman's had part of her colon *removed,* I highly doubt she's faking chronic illness! Doctors/surgeons don't just do that to their patients for "some reason or another."
This has kind of hit a sore spot with me. My mom suffered colon cancer 5 years ago and had 8 inches of her colon removed. It took her a long time to recover from the pain, rebuild abdominal muscle, and get her digestive system back to normal. Months.
And like RockRose said, your boyfriend's kids *are* his responsibility. He should be there for them and his ex wife because she's their mother and needs physical help. A mother and father should be first in line for responsibility to their children, no matter what. Then other family members if they're available. Then trusted friends or paid babysitters.
I'm sure with the medical bills that are probably flooding her mailbox, she's not too thrilled with the idea of hiring help for the kids just to benefit her ex's time and lifestyle. If they were still married, it would be the same situation--and it should continue to be even though they're divorced because he's their father and should be obligated to help the mother of his children when she's as dibilitated as she obviously is.
If she needs him there on time and whatnot, that's understandable. Consistency and scheduling are important for both parties. I know before my ex moved states away from my son and me, if I needed him to watch our son or he wanted to visit with him, I wanted him to be ON TIME and consistent with the time he requested, because I have a life too.
If he has guilt, that's a personal issue for him. But honestly, from what you've posted about her, I don't think she sounds manipulative or controling--just in desperate need of help that she has a right to demand from him. And at least he's voluntarily offering it; he should. But the feelings he associates with helping are up to him. He could easily choose to be more positive about this, and maybe stand up for himself if he feels taken advantage of, but instead he chooses to have a negative outlook about it and transfer it to you.
This has kind of hit a sore spot with me. My mom suffered colon cancer 5 years ago and had 8 inches of her colon removed. It took her a long time to recover from the pain, rebuild abdominal muscle, and get her digestive system back to normal. Months.
And like RockRose said, your boyfriend's kids *are* his responsibility. He should be there for them and his ex wife because she's their mother and needs physical help. A mother and father should be first in line for responsibility to their children, no matter what. Then other family members if they're available. Then trusted friends or paid babysitters.
I'm sure with the medical bills that are probably flooding her mailbox, she's not too thrilled with the idea of hiring help for the kids just to benefit her ex's time and lifestyle. If they were still married, it would be the same situation--and it should continue to be even though they're divorced because he's their father and should be obligated to help the mother of his children when she's as dibilitated as she obviously is.
If she needs him there on time and whatnot, that's understandable. Consistency and scheduling are important for both parties. I know before my ex moved states away from my son and me, if I needed him to watch our son or he wanted to visit with him, I wanted him to be ON TIME and consistent with the time he requested, because I have a life too.
If he has guilt, that's a personal issue for him. But honestly, from what you've posted about her, I don't think she sounds manipulative or controling--just in desperate need of help that she has a right to demand from him. And at least he's voluntarily offering it; he should. But the feelings he associates with helping are up to him. He could easily choose to be more positive about this, and maybe stand up for himself if he feels taken advantage of, but instead he chooses to have a negative outlook about it and transfer it to you.
GREAT POST!! You just gave me hope beyond hope. I think I'll begin practicing your logic today in my relationship. It is brand new and the kids are still really young. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Man this is a tuff crowd. The only callous spot I have concerning is ex is the fact that she wont allow him to move on and albeit that she is sick, there are resources for single moms out there. Hes no deadbeat dad, but he also needs some down time too. She works in social services for single moms..she is one ! Yet she makes him pick up all the slack instead of helping herself. I dont see how that is fair. He shouldnt be her nurse too.
They are his kids, he loves them more then my ex loves my kids & he takes great care of them, but she uses him as her nurse maid & doesnt look for help aside from him perhaps outta habit maybe. I dont know, perhaps he does need a spine. As for me sounding desperate, well that was just bitchy , love does hurt. Why do you think they write so much about it MayFlowers?? Perhaps youve never known true love..so for you I feel sad. Im just trying to find a way for my sweet amazing man to stand up to his ex who has never accepted the fact that he left her & didnt want her...three years ago...some ppl never left go & will whatever means to hold on. For her..she uses the kids...
I just was looking for some positive direction to help me work this out, not for bitter anger attacks from ppl who havent got any clue about who either one of us are!
They are his kids, he loves them more then my ex loves my kids & he takes great care of them, but she uses him as her nurse maid & doesnt look for help aside from him perhaps outta habit maybe. I dont know, perhaps he does need a spine. As for me sounding desperate, well that was just bitchy , love does hurt. Why do you think they write so much about it MayFlowers?? Perhaps youve never known true love..so for you I feel sad. Im just trying to find a way for my sweet amazing man to stand up to his ex who has never accepted the fact that he left her & didnt want her...three years ago...some ppl never left go & will whatever means to hold on. For her..she uses the kids...
I just was looking for some positive direction to help me work this out, not for bitter anger attacks from ppl who havent got any clue about who either one of us are!
It sounds like she has crohns disease maybe? Honestly, there but for the grace of God go all of us, disabled by chronic illness. If she's in the hospital for a month, she's not faking - she's extremely ill.
You seem to have a very callous spot where she is concerned - those kids ARE your boyfriend's responsibility - she's too sick to care for them, it's up to him. He's the father.
You seem to have a very callous spot where she is concerned - those kids ARE your boyfriend's responsibility - she's too sick to care for them, it's up to him. He's the father.
I think this is up to your BF. Is he a wimp or something? Why does he "feel" guilty? Is there something he isn't telling you that he did to her? He sounds wrapped around his ex's finger. He's a wimp and she's a b*itch so they are perfect together. Until he gets a backbone, there's not much you can do.
I would walk away from this situation. You haven't been together very long, move on and you're not married so get out while you can. You actually sound a little desperate to me. "Love hurts"??!!! What's up with that? Real love doesn't hurt.
I would walk away from this situation. You haven't been together very long, move on and you're not married so get out while you can. You actually sound a little desperate to me. "Love hurts"??!!! What's up with that? Real love doesn't hurt.
Thanks for thr input.. ill fill you all in with the scenario a little more. For starters, he is not "cruel" to me, just cold, distant & not himself...not loving not responsive not anything. Most importantly not the man I’m in love with.I stand by his side 100% when it comes to his kids, even welcoming her to whatever may be.. but she seems to use his kids as a factor to manipulate him to do everything to her advantage. He told me shes always been a manipulator & liar & that was why the major reason why they could never work things out, oh & no love..They met, she became pregnant shortly after & he stayed due to her always being sick & the guilt she made him feel when he tried to leave.
The woman has always been chronically ill, for some reason or another, in & out of the hospital. She just had surgery in Jan to remove part of her colon or intestines (no not cancer). She was in the hospital all Jan. out for two days & back in for the past mth. Now she is out again & insists he stay with her to help her with the kids. So he does. Has again sleeping on the coach & taking care of the kids..getting them up for school etc..as if she were not there, but she is. So because she is, he feels angry & taken advantage of, but he allows her to do so. She doesn’t seek out help from anyone else, telling him he is their father, so its his responsibility.
We love each other immensely & for the past two mths have had all our weekends together with our combined family of seven, its all amazing. A few bumps, but we are so happy. She gets out & he becomes this other person as he feels helpless in standing up to her controlling ways.
Should I just give up the love of my life because its complicated?? There must be some advise better then take it or run away??I told him as long as he allows her to control him she will. He tells me when shes around he just feels so unhappy & that’s why he cant be himself on the phone. Its not intentionaly cruel towards me . I know he loves me 100%, but he is so caught up in the guilt she makes him feel, he cant seem to manage to make a stand.
Last thing, shes had a b/f for over a year( her kids haven’t met apparently cause hes not too keen on kids!) and just when it seems her health is fine( before the hospital thing) its his weekend with me, then she gets sick again. She tells him how long he is allowed to go & when to the minute he has to leave( she even calls my place to make sure he leaves on time. I was being understanding till now, but enuf is enuf! Now again she says shes not well enuf for him to come spend the weekend with me..so where does this leave US?? He said maybe one nite.( we are not in the same city, half hour hwy drive ine way) but that depends on how she feels & if she can handle the kids.
The woman has always been chronically ill, for some reason or another, in & out of the hospital. She just had surgery in Jan to remove part of her colon or intestines (no not cancer). She was in the hospital all Jan. out for two days & back in for the past mth. Now she is out again & insists he stay with her to help her with the kids. So he does. Has again sleeping on the coach & taking care of the kids..getting them up for school etc..as if she were not there, but she is. So because she is, he feels angry & taken advantage of, but he allows her to do so. She doesn’t seek out help from anyone else, telling him he is their father, so its his responsibility.
We love each other immensely & for the past two mths have had all our weekends together with our combined family of seven, its all amazing. A few bumps, but we are so happy. She gets out & he becomes this other person as he feels helpless in standing up to her controlling ways.
Should I just give up the love of my life because its complicated?? There must be some advise better then take it or run away??I told him as long as he allows her to control him she will. He tells me when shes around he just feels so unhappy & that’s why he cant be himself on the phone. Its not intentionaly cruel towards me . I know he loves me 100%, but he is so caught up in the guilt she makes him feel, he cant seem to manage to make a stand.
Last thing, shes had a b/f for over a year( her kids haven’t met apparently cause hes not too keen on kids!) and just when it seems her health is fine( before the hospital thing) its his weekend with me, then she gets sick again. She tells him how long he is allowed to go & when to the minute he has to leave( she even calls my place to make sure he leaves on time. I was being understanding till now, but enuf is enuf! Now again she says shes not well enuf for him to come spend the weekend with me..so where does this leave US?? He said maybe one nite.( we are not in the same city, half hour hwy drive ine way) but that depends on how she feels & if she can handle the kids.
jml - what a wise post. If everyone felt as generous and flexible as you, and put their own selfishness aside for the sake of the children, the world would be a better place!
This is coming from one who has walked in your shoes and I made alot of mistakes doing it. I wish that I would have tried to help my husband and his ex work on having a good relationship for the sake of his children. Why, because I lived for 20 years in hell with this woman. Had I just known then what I know now, I would have done my best to work out a relationship between the two so that we did not have the friction between the two. It does turn them into different people, but not because that is what they want, it is because they are frustrated. They are being pulled three directions and no matter which way they go, they are wrong. What would I wish I would have done, I would have brought his ex to our house so we could set down and work out a plan that was best for the children. I would have made sure that she was a part of our holidays so that she was not away from her kids on holidays. When she had a man in her life, he would also have been welcome in the family. Anything we could have done to make thing easier for the kids, would have made things better for us. I can tell you if this is not an option for you, then you are going to need to grow some pretty thick skin, because you will take the brunt of his frustration.
"Happy as happy can be?" That seems an impossible standard for him to reach. Who wants to anyway - it sounds forced.
Is he purposely being cold and rude to you, or is he in such a hurt bad mood that he's withdrawn and quiet?
I agree that giving him space when you know he's in a bad mood is a good idea. He has a right to be hurt and sullen and unable to appear happy - but he doesn't have a right to actually purposely say cruel things for the purpose of hurting you.
The two things are different. I think you need to think this through very carefully, and decide which it is.
Is he purposely being cold and rude to you, or is he in such a hurt bad mood that he's withdrawn and quiet?
I agree that giving him space when you know he's in a bad mood is a good idea. He has a right to be hurt and sullen and unable to appear happy - but he doesn't have a right to actually purposely say cruel things for the purpose of hurting you.
The two things are different. I think you need to think this through very carefully, and decide which it is.
LIke you said, she will always be around so you better get used to it. That's what happens when you date someone with kids - you take their baggage whatever that may be. There is no way around the fact that an ex & children will always have a piece of him. Why don't you try avoiding him after you know they have talked? So, if you know they are talking this afternoon, wait until tomorrow to talk to him. If he gives you **** on the phone, hang up on him. With your actions, you teach him how he can treat you. Don't accept abuse, won't get abuse.
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