Does my friend have a mental disorder, or is he just awkward?

[Abbey77]

I have a friend who is a very kind and generous person, but seems to have a bit of a social problem, and it's making me wonder if he actually has some kind of mental disorder which is causing his odd behavior. He seems to be oblivious to social cues and to others body language and signals. I've noticed that you have to be completely blunt with him sometimes, otherwise he just does not take a hint.

Some examples are when you have a conversation with him, either in person or on the phone, if you attempt to wind down the conversation in a natural way he just does not get it and will just continue talking and talking. You literally have to say "I have to go now", or something equally difiniteve for him to get it. Or he'll ask if you want to hang out and if you say anything other than a direct "no" he'll take it as a yes. And recently he asked to stop by to drop off something my husband had lent him and I said "well he doesn't need it back right now, and I'm not really feeling well today". He responds with, "ok, I'll just stop by quick and drop it off then". Then stops by and proceeds to plop on my couch and talk for almost 3 hours! Even with me sitting there coughing, sneezing, and blowing my nose the whole time. And he only finally left because I told him I had to go out and buy food meds.

He's a really sweet and sensitive guy, intelligent, and not really awkward in any other way except that he sometimes seems to have trouble censoring himself, saying somewhat inappropriate things at inappropriate times. Could he have a mental or social issue causing this behavior? Are inability to pick up on social cues and inability to censor yourself symptoms of anything? I want to talk to him about it but I'm worried that it'll hurt his feelings as he his very self conscience and sensitive.

[RockRose]

Inability to interpret social clues is a symptom of autism - and it does sound like he may be brushed with it,  to me.  I don't think Aspergers is still used as a diagnosis,  but it sounds to me he fits some criteria for asperger's.  Some people pretend they don't "get" social clues because they just want to run over you,  (as in the sense of very pushy salesmen) but I don't sense your friend is purposely misunderstanding clues.  You'll just have to be more blunt with him.  

[Abbey77]

You're right, I don't see it as him being pushy or inconsiderate. It does seem like he truly doesn't get it. I find that most people are able to sense if the person they are speaking to wants to end the conversation. He seems to lack this ability. I do think it's possible that he may have a mild form of autism. He seems like he has a bit of a problem with impulse control as well, and I think this would go along with a diagnosis if mild autism. Thanks for your input!

[tonyb286]

I have a psychiatric nursing background and, personally, I don't think he has a disorder as such. He's just one of those people like you say that doesn't necessarily pick up on social cues. Talking to him about it may therefore have the very reverse effect and he may take it as you shunning him. I would actually just carry on as you are doing, remembering to be fairly direct in anything you want him to pick up on. For example, when he called to return the item for your husband, why did you even let him in? You could have just said thank you for bringing it round and I'm sorry for not inviting you in, but I'm feeling really ill and want to rest. Would've been better than enduring the 3hr conversation.

Tony

[Abbey77]

Thank you for your input and advice. I think you're right in that talking to him about it may result in a negative outcome rather than it being helpful. And I do need to be more conscience of the way I word things when speaking to him, and leave no room for misinterpretations. He's in his late 30's and I do not typically have to do this when speaking to other adults, I usually do not need to spell things out for them. My husband, who has known him for much longer, has gotten very good at being direct and blunt with him; out of necessity I suppose.

One thing that does worry me is that he has been single for around 8 years, despite making efforts to meet women. I worry that his inability to pick up on social cues is causing him to be unable to start a relationship with anyone. I try my best to give helpful advice, like back off a little or don't tell them your whole life story on the first date or don't talk about religion and politics. But I think his personality can be overwhelming which leads to few second dates. I'd love to say, you need to tone it down a lot because you seem to be oblivious to the pained look on the listeners face when you are telling one of your 40 minute stories. But I think that would be counterproductive.

[CurfewX]

I have a friend who is the SAME way, particularly with the 40-minute monologue stories.  I steer clear of him sometime just because I can't have a conversation - it is just him talking AT me.  And every person he "traps" has that pained look on their face.  You can see them looking for any opportunity to exit the conversation, and he can't see it.  As discussed here, it probably would be counterproductive to talk to him about it, even with the best of intentions.  I put myself in his shoes - if nothing else, I'd be thinking, "if this is a problem, why did nobody bother to tell me before now," and then I'd be hurt.  

In all likelihood, someone will tell him at some point. It will probably be someone he doesn't know well, and it will probably be harsh and blunt, and that's OK - like ripping off a band-aid.  If it comes from some random non-friend person, he will get the message, but not have to be embarrassed every time he sees that person, like he might be with you and your husband.

[Abbey77]

It sounds like you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I too find myself sometimes avoiding him because talking to him usually leaves me exhausted. But I feel bad because I know he means well. I have also seen other people get "trapped" in conversation with him. I can hear them repetitively try to end the conversation, just to have it go by unacknowledged by him. I've seen them desperately look for someone to intervene and save them from him. And I myself have looked at my husband with desperation and pleaded with my eyes for help when trapped in one of this stories; to which he will just laugh because he knows that I'm stuck.

I do need to be more direct with him. Like when he asks my husband or I to meet up for dinner or drinks (which he does several times a week...) If I was being honest I would say "I've had a long day and just don't have the patience to hang out with you today" But instead I'll say something like "I don't have the money to go out". And instead of taking a hint and understanding that I don't want to go out he'll say "well I'll pay then!". And if I say, "I'm working late, and I have a long drive home", he'll say "that's ok, I don't mind going out late". The only thing that seems to get through is saying, "no, I really don't feel like going out tonight". I have to give a direct "no" to get through to him. But I worry that if I give this response too often that he'll know that I'm just avoiding him.