am i a bad person...?

[brokensoul526]

i have been with him for almost 4 years now. i was 17 in 2007 when i met him, and he was 20. through 4 bumpy years, we have gone through a lot. recently, all the hours of waiting in the car, early mornings, changing interview hours…all the efforts and time, missing classes, hours of sitting there editing his resume and sending out job applications….everything i put in to help him get an opportunity in his career field...all finally paid off...

today, he got the bell job, he was so happy.

for a moment, i was happy too.

but then, after hugging him, i couldn't feel happy anymore.

i felt as if my job is done here. i should leave now.

i knew my job was originally to help him land on his feet in the career field, be free from all the court cases, and perhaps the bmw too….and now….he's got it all…

i suddenly feel…yeah perhaps it hurts to think that its easier now for him to find others since he has it all…

and as for me…. i gave all, everything of my life, to put him up there….and now what do i have? maybe im scared that after i have done all of this, he can walk away with everything, leaving me with….just me, laughing at myself…so maybe thats why i want to be the one walking away….be the saint….

yet… was it all worth it? me, now, with nothing. him, everything.,..

suddenly i feel so alone…for those who cared about me, who took my values and cherished them…they are no longer around…they are so far away from me….time will never travel back…i have given my shine to him, all of it, and now…like a burnt star….finished its duties of life…and now, waiting to disappear and become nothing...

but... am i a bad person for feeling this way??

[brokensoul526]

thanks for the advice... it is true that i have left out many details, perhaps too many...which makes the situation look very vague and incomplete. for 4 years of relationship drama in addition to my own life drama, i feel so exhausted to even look at the problem. Yes, I'm 21, and in U of T, i had a talk with him that night about how i didn't know what made me so unhappy about his success...when i was the reason why he succeeded. we talked for hours, and he said we are two people who both want the spotlight, and he said because i have hurt his heart once, this time he feels scared to even cross that line again. we both know very well that there's a special bond between us that draws us back together no matter how hard we try to run away, how far, or how much we even hate each other sometimes. he told me the truth about how he thought i wanted to get him back just so i can hurt him again, and that's why he always has his guard up. i only laughed. i felt like for so long, the question in my mind has been answered. yes, perhaps we do love each other, but something is just wrong....or rather, timing is not right. he said he just doesn't want to take the chance of marrying me and then 30 years later getting a divorce because of all the fights, or he just can't bare to think of going insane because of me. i understand that, as i would go insane if i had to be with someone like myself too, maybe my personality is too strong for a woman in modern society...it runs in my family. so now it brings me to this phase of indifference...like i don't even want to think about the future, as long as now i have him in my life and nothing has triggered the peace yet....but the thing is that i feel maybe the root of my problems isn't even him, maybe i'm not mad because he's successful....maybe i'm upset with myself, my school, my...failures?

[specialmom]

Ahhhh.  I thought I must be missing something.  I was sick for several days and had sick kids too and wasn't around.  Obviously missed that post.  Okay----------- um yeah.  Those are the serious red flags I spoke of that you shouldn't ignore.  Once abuse of any sort enters the picture, game over.  In my opinion, it is NEVER okay to become physical.  That is a deal breaker.  

You do not need to feel "bad" as in guilty about breaking it off.  Nothing to feel guilty about.  But of course you will feel bad.  You were together for a good bit of time and it can hurt to leave a relationship.  I'm sure you loved him.  But the red flags described here are too much to ignore and you'd be setting yourself up for a difficult life if you do.  

good luck

[teko]

You allowed yourself to be used. So you allowed it, he did it, now it is time to move on. You are so young and reading your post it reminded me of a woman who had been married for years and years and had been dumped for a younger woman after giving her all for her man for all those years. You are too young to be there, move it on up

[thehitman357]

Yeah we advised her to leave him but she still wants the drama. So you get what you get. You been advised so move on.

[TTinKKerBBell]

There was another post in which brokensoul526 spoke of a physical fight, finding a text regarding a date with a 33 year old woman (he's 24y.o.) and that She found him on sex sites.  These are Red Flags and while it was another post - these are the things I was speaking to.  I agree with specialmom that we are all imperfect and absolutely we do learn to tolerate these things from one another but I don't think that includes:
1. physical fights
2. texting other women for dates
3. joining sex sites

These are issues we don't come to tolerate well from a partner

[brice1967]

Unfortunately you post is rather vague.  I get the impression that there are numerous issues that weren't mentioned, and without knowing them it makes it difficult to offer any help.  The 2 ladies above are wise beyond their years, so be willing to listen to everything they say.  They've helped my relationship.....

With that being said, I will tell you to trust your gut.  Trust your intuition.  I will also say, communicate your concerns to your spouse, tell him exactly how and what you feel.  He will either offer support or not, but if you've been abundantly clear-you have done all things necessary including asking for help.  If he's in it for the the long haul, he'll jump on board and give you the support and reassurance you need right now.

I will also say that now is the perfect time to work on yourself, by yourself if necessary.  You've got to prove to yourself that you are worth it and you do have value.  If there hasn't been some kind of severe disconnect between the two of you, this will become apparent to him.  Your value, your worth, becomes his asset too.  If he doesn't witness this and is too self absorbed, you know what it took to get him going.  Now it's time to do for you!

Keep in mind too, red-flags are red-flags.  This goes back to trusting your gut.  If it doesn't seem or feel right, it probably isn't..... you have to weed through these feelings.  You have to run an analysis on why you feel the way you do, how he reacts towards you.

Like the ladies above mentioned, if there are problems now, they are not going to get any better later, especially if left unaddressed.  To me, communication is key.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You have not given up everything!!  You are only 21 and You have the whole rest of Your life ahead of You.  You must act on these feelings You are having - it would be unfair to Him and YourSelf to do otherwise.
Marriage stresses and strains ANY relationship - SO if something is difficult for You now during this "courtship" phase - it is only going to become more difficut to handle with time.  It NEVER becomes easier with time - it ALWAYS becomes MORE difficult, irritating, annoying.  Usually we think issues become easier to deal with as time passes when in fact the opposite is true - it's doesn't get "easier" to tolerate, instead we tolerate these "things" (whatever they may be) less and less well with the passage of time.