please help

[jt77]

hi all me and my wife have been together for 13 years now and marrird for almost 10,  we have 3 beautiful kids togather i am 34 and she 30 it has been a long ride for her i have caused many problems and we have been seperated once before due to me being young and partying she is the type to bottle things and hope they get better, this time arround she has told me she needs some space to figure out what she wants, i now know i have been verry jealous not letting her go out with friends and when she did i would text and call and accuse her of cheating as well i was verry controlling and never picked up after myself or kids just expected her to work her night shift job and do everything arround the house basicaly i am an idiot i have looked at these issues with myself and corrected them over ths last couple weeks she has seen and she likes that ,but tels me she cant just belive it will continue we are currently still trying to keep the home life of the kids normal we just alternate who is home with kids just need some clarity on how women think i love this beautifull strong woman and will do any thing to save our marriage thanks

[brice1967]

Specialmom, cheshchesh, and lovemykids465 have been very instrumental in saving my marriage.  The three of them are very smart cookies.  

You changing is a good thing man, but the thing is that the change needs to be permanent.  There really isn't room for a relapse.  A relapse will have given her false hope, and once she recognizes the relapse she will be gone for good.

Her reluctance to see a therapist can be seen from various points.  It may be too far gone in her mind, or she may just be seeing if the changes you made are genuine.  In any case, you did step up and make the changes.  If you did it for the betterment of the family, you are on the right track!  If the relationship is not repairable, your children will see the changes you've made.  Little people are far more receptive than most adults will ever realize..... this change is for them as well as anyone involved, and you'll be a better dad for it.  Good for you, man!

I think you can afford to give her some time.  Just keep doing what you are doing.  There is a book called the 5 love languages..... it basically breaks down what each of us needs in a relationship.... what you may need and what she may need probably are two different things, and both of you may just be missing the point.  I suggest you get a copy, knock it out, and leave it around for her.  But anyhow, back to giving her time.  You've got nothing but time right now, and know that none of it is wasted.  You are making changes because you want to be a better husband and father.  You will always be those kids father and they deserve the best dad that you can give them.  Your wife deserves the best husband too, and your working on that.  Keep in mind that we cannot control anyone but ourselves.  The changes you've made are positive and are because you wanted to make them.

Enjoy the small successes.  BE patient, and keep doing what you are doing.

[specialmom]

Well, she may be confused and hence, the mixed signals.  Honestly, my best advice is to stick it out----------- try to make real change in yourself and live up to her expectations of a partner.  As time goes on, if she is confused about whether to move on or not, she may see that you are working hard on being a new man/ a man worthy of a relationship with her.  And even if she does not, it is the right thing to do.  Don't you want to be a good partner, father, etc.?  So now is the time to work on that and do your best from here on out regardless if she stays or not.  But I think if you become a better partner and stay that way---------- she'll see that and be more apt to stay with you.  Trust takes time.  She needs to trust this isn't just an act.  good luck

[jt77]

well she actually stayed home lastnight of course i slept on couch , we even went out to dinner with the kids last night  we are still not talking about the problems she says she needs to heal first the only thing that bothers me is she tells me she dont want to be giving me false hope...... yet she talks about things we are going to do in the future and we are going to buy a bedroom set and new matress today she seems excited yet is still pulling away from me at times i know i deserve it all it my fault after all anyone have any thoughts on these reactions from her thanks and i am reading the love dare verry good book for mariages in bad times or not

[lovemykids465]

If you are able to purchase the book the love dare and or view the movie Fire Proof. My husband and I went through pretty much the same. I noticed he was doing little things here and there for me not expecting anything in return . I found his copy of the love dare book. He was applying it to our relationship. She needs to know you are not just doing this until things get better. IT needs to be a life style change and only time will tell.

[specialmom]

Yes.  All you can do is wait and see.  You can keep up with the action part of being a good guy.  The longer that is the case, the better chance you have of her noticing and believing you when you say you've changed.  

It is unfortunate that she will not see a therapist.  This does mean she may not be interested in saving the relationship.  It also means she isn't willing to do hard work herself to fix things.  I'm sorry about that and hope she will change her mind.  

good luck.  I really hope it works out for you.  

[jt77]

well iv been keepin it clean and leaft a few notes she still hugs every once in a while but she doesnt want to talk about the problems at all right now or seek counseling ive suggested it a few times guess time will tell

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, you know what they say about hindsight, right?!  If only we didn't have to learn things the hard way.  You've been given a major wake up call.  You weren't doing a great job being a partner to your wife.  Yes, you got together when you were young and truth is, some really do have to figure things out for themselves for it to sink in.  You are a better man for what you now know!  

What you can do?  Okay, get a sitter and set up a time to be with your wife just the two of you.  You two need to talk and get on the same page.  I'd tell her that you want this relationship to work and that you want it to be a HEALTHY one in which you are both adults and able to be respected.  I'd offer to go to marriage counseling to help you get some expert advice on how to work on compromising, being good to each other, working through tough things, etc.  Ask her to see a therapist with you.  Tell her you want to work on things and on yourself.  I really think you would mean it if you said this to her.  

Then you two need to discuss what you view marriage as.  I do have friends, for example, but I'm not out at bars with them at night.  So---------  how does she see friends and how you spend time with them?  How does she see compromise working?  How can you be more helpful with the kids?  What kinds of things should you be doing to help at the house?  All of those things from her perspective would be great to know, wouldn't it?  Then you can tell her what your expections are.  Really talking and understanding the other is how two people can forge a life together.

I don't know if she feels too much damage is done.  But I think offering to see a therapist and to try to hear how she feels and work on things regarding how you are in this relalationship may get you another shot.  But make the changes required in ernest so that this lasts.  However, if she married young and just wants to be free, that is an issue. Hopefully that is not the case.

Oh, and ACTION speaks louder than words.  Get that house cleaned up while you are on kid/home duty and leave her a love note, some flowers, etc. for when she gets back home.  

Good luck and I really hope it works out for you!

[cheshchesh819]

Take care of her just dont smother her,in time you will be fine.

[jt77]

all i want to do is take care of her and let her know she can live life outside the famaily and i am ok with it i will never understand how i didnt realise how much i was hurting her till now thanks for the input

[cheshchesh819]

It sounds like your wife is at the end of her tether,yes you have made changes which is brilliant,but maybe its just a bit too much too late,your wife have been the back bone of this relationship so far and maybe just for once she wants someone to take care of her,so i think its time to man up and if you really want your wife fight for her,stop being controlling and jealous that is propabaly your own insecurities coming out but it can have a big impact on your relationship,cut the reeins a bit let her have a life outside of the family as well as with the family,maybe a weekend break would be nice for you both a meal and a good old fashion sit down and talk to help things improve,i wish you luck and i hope things work out for you both.