Aa
failing marriage
my husband and i have been together for 10 years, married for almost 5. we have 3 children. we have always had some issues in our lives as we fell pregnant after only being together 3months, my family would put things in my head and i listened, i never had any good friends to talk too, so i always spoke to my family and i now know i should not have. my husband started playing a war game a while back prob 2 or 3 years now, well he plays it very day and for hours at a time. he gets home from work sits at the computer, has dinner goes back to the computer. i talked to him and told him i had enough of it and to cut back, well he did but now if i go near him he gets snappy and seems to get angry with me. he ahd done that before but we dealt with it. and everything seemed to go ok for while, and then all of a sudden. it all changed. i feel like crying most nights. and days.......... and don't feel like he listens when i talk, i have told him i think we need help but he doesn't think we do. i feel like our marriage is falling a part. we don't sleep together we don't cuddle or kiss like we used too. there is no affection. at all. i keep thinking i should just leave, but i do love him so i stay. i want to fix it. please help me in fixing this. give me some advice on how i can get my husband to listen about things. and relaise we do need help.
Great advice zzz, I am glad to here things are working for you, eel81. Why not try to have a date night at least once a month if not every other week. You will be amazed at how much this helps.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, that is great news! I love it when couples come together and work out issues! Good luck and much happiness in the future.
Great news, so happy to hear that things are on the mend for you. I hope things continue to go in a good direction. Best wishes!
thanks we went out for dinner and talked heaps. and we have come to a very good compromise that we are both happy with.....he understands why i felt the way i did......... i respect my husband so much and love him tonnes. we are right now in a good place and it feels good. thanks again
Wow lots going on. First, you can't "fix" him. You just can't, he has to want to change and yes he is addicted to the computer.
Do you know that men NEED RESPECT before love...not sex...love. Women need LOVE before sex or anything else. Women respect your husband, I think God spoke that because it is not something we easily give, especially around our domain, we order, whine, complain, gripe and throw fits. Men love your wives as I have loved you. Well men aren't used to having that level of intimacy. Come home, work in the backyard, throw the ball with the kids or dog, do some projects, but show your wife love by standing next to her after her long day and washing dishes with her hanging on every respectful word that comes out of her mouth? Not likely.
All marriages some time or another or ever more than once need professional help to make it through the bumpy parts. Also, when you cannot deepen your relationship, depend on your mate, love them, it is time to do what is the hardest but most rewarding to your marriage in the long run. Choose to Honor and then honor the comitment you gave to eachother and promised to God, Honor your marriage vows.
You can see a marriage therapist, counselor without your husband and work on your side. Maybe he will see the difference.
He may be addicted, but an hour a day? That is not a lot. Could you have him watch the kids for an hour every other day and you go do something for you even if it is just going to the library?
If you want him to listen to you, now listen to me, I have seen more than most in a marriage and we have weathered through it all, TOGETHER, a few counselling seasons, but we have made it through because we honored the comitment and God honored our marriage by blossuming in beyound belief. Right now is a hard time together not at each other, I lost my Mom, my bp is bad, he is in severe pain and needs two surgeries, one of our daughters married a very controlling, anxiety attacked man and is distancing herself from us, we taught her and if he is not verbally or physically abusive, he's hers.
This just a season, we all will get through it, but I really miss my Mom.
If you are creative you can do so much to open a man to talk. Get your parents to watch the kids. BTW do you two date, weekly, biweekly, monthly? Dates don't have to cost money but they do require the two of you to get out of the house for a sunset pbj picnic. There are two dates that take place in the house, one's a picnic the other is a nurturing, listening bath....my husband HATES baths, but he loves nurturing and listening baths.
Work on yourself, stop being on his case, stop harboring anger or the desire to have him conform by darn when he gets home. Improve you, let go of nagging. Go to a therapist and if he will come great, if not it may take more honey than vinegar to have him see it your way. If all he hears is a scratching on the blackboard do you think he will open up and listen? zzzmykids.....goodluck from 34 years over here.
Do you know that men NEED RESPECT before love...not sex...love. Women need LOVE before sex or anything else. Women respect your husband, I think God spoke that because it is not something we easily give, especially around our domain, we order, whine, complain, gripe and throw fits. Men love your wives as I have loved you. Well men aren't used to having that level of intimacy. Come home, work in the backyard, throw the ball with the kids or dog, do some projects, but show your wife love by standing next to her after her long day and washing dishes with her hanging on every respectful word that comes out of her mouth? Not likely.
All marriages some time or another or ever more than once need professional help to make it through the bumpy parts. Also, when you cannot deepen your relationship, depend on your mate, love them, it is time to do what is the hardest but most rewarding to your marriage in the long run. Choose to Honor and then honor the comitment you gave to eachother and promised to God, Honor your marriage vows.
You can see a marriage therapist, counselor without your husband and work on your side. Maybe he will see the difference.
He may be addicted, but an hour a day? That is not a lot. Could you have him watch the kids for an hour every other day and you go do something for you even if it is just going to the library?
If you want him to listen to you, now listen to me, I have seen more than most in a marriage and we have weathered through it all, TOGETHER, a few counselling seasons, but we have made it through because we honored the comitment and God honored our marriage by blossuming in beyound belief. Right now is a hard time together not at each other, I lost my Mom, my bp is bad, he is in severe pain and needs two surgeries, one of our daughters married a very controlling, anxiety attacked man and is distancing herself from us, we taught her and if he is not verbally or physically abusive, he's hers.
This just a season, we all will get through it, but I really miss my Mom.
If you are creative you can do so much to open a man to talk. Get your parents to watch the kids. BTW do you two date, weekly, biweekly, monthly? Dates don't have to cost money but they do require the two of you to get out of the house for a sunset pbj picnic. There are two dates that take place in the house, one's a picnic the other is a nurturing, listening bath....my husband HATES baths, but he loves nurturing and listening baths.
Work on yourself, stop being on his case, stop harboring anger or the desire to have him conform by darn when he gets home. Improve you, let go of nagging. Go to a therapist and if he will come great, if not it may take more honey than vinegar to have him see it your way. If all he hears is a scratching on the blackboard do you think he will open up and listen? zzzmykids.....goodluck from 34 years over here.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh. I've said this on other theads on this subject, I don't get the whole gaming thing. But what I've noticed is that it becomes an addiction like anything else. When something is negatively impacting our lives and we can't stop---------- it is an addiction. It is also a way of escaping.
Is your husband depressed? It is often the case that someone that "self medicates" with something like this has a low level of depression.
Your best bet is to try to communicate with him. Be prepared ahead of time to discuss what is allowable with his gaming. You can have in mind what you would be willing to live with (a couple of hours 3 times per week?) and try to come to some consenses about the amount. He basically is avoiding life and doing nothing productive by gaming. He needs to know that. His "hobby"/addiction is coming between the two of you.
To reconnect, you may need to seek a therapist. But I think you have some work on being a couple again. Communication is key and learning to talk to each other and be on the same page is important.
If he can not adhere to any boundaries and it continues to be a problem. You will need to make some tough decisions but I hope it does not come to that. good luck
Is your husband depressed? It is often the case that someone that "self medicates" with something like this has a low level of depression.
Your best bet is to try to communicate with him. Be prepared ahead of time to discuss what is allowable with his gaming. You can have in mind what you would be willing to live with (a couple of hours 3 times per week?) and try to come to some consenses about the amount. He basically is avoiding life and doing nothing productive by gaming. He needs to know that. His "hobby"/addiction is coming between the two of you.
To reconnect, you may need to seek a therapist. But I think you have some work on being a couple again. Communication is key and learning to talk to each other and be on the same page is important.
If he can not adhere to any boundaries and it continues to be a problem. You will need to make some tough decisions but I hope it does not come to that. good luck
You sound like you're deeply unhappy with the state of your marriage, but your husband either doesn't realise this, or isn't taking it seriously. However, the good thing is, you want to fix it, you're not ready to give up yet.
Why would your husband bother to change? I guess he's quite satisfied with his life right now. He gets to indulge his computer game addiction (and it is an addiction, of sorts, in the same way that gambling or porn can become addictive when overdone), you're still around, looking after your kid(s), cooking his dinner (I'd guess). I doubt it's occurred to him that it's possible you could actually leave. Addictions, even to computer games, can make the nicest person very selfish and inconsiderate.
He needs a shock. He needs a wake-up call. He needs to realise how serious this relationship problem is, that if he doesn't take action he really could lose you, and with you he'd lose living with his kid(s) (although there are fathers who might not be so bothered about that).
You need to have a serious conversation with him. You need his undivided attention - no TV on, no computer game for him to run off to, maybe over a meal and a drink. Maybe go out to dinner together - that way you've got his undivided attention, he can't run off, and because you are in a public place there's an incentive that neither of you will get over-emotional and cause a scene. Tell him that you love him, emphasise that you want to be with him forever, that you want to have a really great and fulfilling and loving marriage with him. BUT you are not getting that right now, and if he's not prepared to work together with you on changing the way things are, you will leave. You don't want to leave, it'll break your heart to do so, but you will leave. You already know in your heart these things, but HE needs to know them too, if he's going to find the motivation to change.
Go and see a counsellor together, if he will come. If he won't (and it's a bad sign if he won't, as it suggests he's not committed to making changes and dealing with the problems) then go and see one alone, it will help you have the strength to persevere and keep trying to change things.
Read blogs and download e-books on sites such as Keep Your Marriage and Project Happily Ever After, they will give you ideas on how to change things, and strength to stick with it and keep trying.
Good luck, I wish you all the best!
Why would your husband bother to change? I guess he's quite satisfied with his life right now. He gets to indulge his computer game addiction (and it is an addiction, of sorts, in the same way that gambling or porn can become addictive when overdone), you're still around, looking after your kid(s), cooking his dinner (I'd guess). I doubt it's occurred to him that it's possible you could actually leave. Addictions, even to computer games, can make the nicest person very selfish and inconsiderate.
He needs a shock. He needs a wake-up call. He needs to realise how serious this relationship problem is, that if he doesn't take action he really could lose you, and with you he'd lose living with his kid(s) (although there are fathers who might not be so bothered about that).
You need to have a serious conversation with him. You need his undivided attention - no TV on, no computer game for him to run off to, maybe over a meal and a drink. Maybe go out to dinner together - that way you've got his undivided attention, he can't run off, and because you are in a public place there's an incentive that neither of you will get over-emotional and cause a scene. Tell him that you love him, emphasise that you want to be with him forever, that you want to have a really great and fulfilling and loving marriage with him. BUT you are not getting that right now, and if he's not prepared to work together with you on changing the way things are, you will leave. You don't want to leave, it'll break your heart to do so, but you will leave. You already know in your heart these things, but HE needs to know them too, if he's going to find the motivation to change.
Go and see a counsellor together, if he will come. If he won't (and it's a bad sign if he won't, as it suggests he's not committed to making changes and dealing with the problems) then go and see one alone, it will help you have the strength to persevere and keep trying to change things.
Read blogs and download e-books on sites such as Keep Your Marriage and Project Happily Ever After, they will give you ideas on how to change things, and strength to stick with it and keep trying.
Good luck, I wish you all the best!
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