I'm going to kill my son!....

[MissLesa]

Ok, I'm not really gonna KILL the kid...not yet at least..lol.

My son whom I will call M is almost 21 yrs.old and he moved back in with me about a month ago and we've all been miserable since. By we, I mean my wonderful BF, his 2 kids ages 16 & 12, and myself.

I honestly don't know where to start because it can be quite complicated--but here goes--

M does nothing but sleep on the couch (he has a room available but won't use it because there's no cable in the room) all day and he roams the house all night, either watching tv, cooking elaborate meals that he will not clean up, drinking beer, sneaking in my room to take my cigarettes and just being disruptive.  The hard thing to handle is his lack of desire to do the least of complicated tasks, such as turn lights off behind him, flush toilet, put food back in fridge, pick clothes off of family room floor or any where in the house for that matter, the list goes on.  When M is confronted with things like this we get the perverbial yesing to death.  BUT nothing happens. He actually had a very good job as a carpenter (in the union) and was making great money but he got laid off. When he did work he was spending every dime he made and because of a past DWI, several tickets his car insurance was almost $800 a month. So because of his high insurance payment and the fact he never paid his ins. note he lost the priveledge of driving.

When challenged he can become verbally violent, cursing, screaming and he has also punched a door. When he did that I called his father and who lives 3 hrs. away and he told me to call the police to have him escorted out of the house. I did and the police read him the riot act about how ungrateful he is ect...he was gone for about a month. Me, being his mother was upset because I didn't hear from him and I hated how things "ended". However, the house was peaceful.

Out of the blue he called me and asked if he could come and get some of his things...I said yes...he was contrite, tail between his legs, asking if he could come back. We had a family talk and we said that if he was truly sorry and willing to change he could come back. Well things were good for about a week and a half and now we're back to square one again.

The problem with all this is, I know I'm doing the wrong thing by allowing him to continue to live with me, but the kid has NOTHING...granted by his own doing...but I don't know where he'll go (his father is disgusted with him and rightfully so) or what he'll do. Believe me, we have tried the tough love thing with him, he's been to boot camp for kids with problems, military school and I even had him arrested at 15 because he stole my car. Nothing is working and I am miserable!

Please...I will welcome any advice...

[penswriter]

thanks. she did have her moments of greatness. still does. lol.

[MissLesa]

Thank you for your help...I do want to say that at 25 you are very mature and very sweet...your mama did a great job!

[penswriter]

good for you misslea!!! don't back down. this is the first step it making it happen and him getting his sh!t together. i hope it works out for you!

[MissLesa]

Sorry I haven't replied in awhile, but thanks to all for commenting..

It seems the consenses is the tough love route, not that I was expecting anything different.

I have been making excuses for my son for many, many years because he kinda had it rough with his father being very hard on him (this is when he was little). My ex owned his own business and he worked long, hard hours so he wasn't around alot so it was me and my 2 kids. I overcompensated because it broke my heart to see the hurt on my son's face whenever his father would go after him. Then when he was 13 his father and I separated and my son thought it was his fault, it wasn't of course, but that's how he felt.

M took the divorce very hard and he started to act out...as I stated earlier we did try to get him help...boot camp, military school, counseling ect. but nothing really worked but time and maturity. So believe it or not he is better than before..pretty scary huh?!

Please believe me I'm not trying to make excuses but just trying to give a little background. The bottom line is he is a brat who knows Mom will always be there (as all mothers are) and my wonderful BF is very good to him (actually he treats him better than his own father). He takes nothing I say seriously and he just blows me off...Sooo...

I think I'm going to take Judy's advice and give him a time frame to get his act together and if he doesn't and he has to leave it will be his own fault.

Ya know, this unconditional love **** really bites! When does this job end! lol....I know I have to stick to my guns and to be honest I really am tired of it all. I need peace in my home and while my BF tries to stay nuetral it's very hard and I'm not going to fight with my BF over my son who will be 21 in Aug. If M was younger he and his problems would come first, however, I'm not going to give up my happiness to a child who can be EXTREMELY ungrateful and who believes HIS happiness and comfort comes above all else!

[AnxiousGurl]

My cousin went through the same thing, she went away to a school for kids like her, she ran away multiple times, was always getting into trouble. Nothing seemed to work with her. I don't know the whole story because im not very close with my family but Im pretty sure her parents gave up and didn't allow her to live there anymore. She had younger siblings who look up to her and she was just a bad influence. She would call my mom up to use her for rides and to ask for money (for god knows what) I think drugs. Anyway she finally did grow up she's now 26 i think, married and has a 1 yr old boy. Anyway, I think everyone's right, tough love might be your only option, I know it hurts to think that and you might feel guilty but he needs to learn a lesson and you taking him in is not going to teach him anything!

[PromisedLand]

All I can say is you have a great dea of good advice...it's tough but it has to be done...we finally had to to it with my wife's 54 year old PHD brother who hasn't worked in 4 years..he lived with us for 4 months and we kicked him out...he's now living in a homeless shelter..refuses to look for work (I might get a call from a college to teach there) and living off of food stamps and assistance.  We spent over $6K on him before booting him..

next is my 21 year old daughter..

[AHP84]

I agree with everyone else, he needs tough love and you need to stand strong.
My sister in law is almost in the same situation as your son, and she's 23. She can't hold a job, she's had her problems with addictions, her health is not very good because she eats nothing but junk *when* she does eat (she's underweight), and she has actually admitted she'd rather spend her money on cigarettes, soda, and dog food for the two dogs she can't afford but won't give to better homes than buy her $8 Prozac prescription. It's insane how she acts, she is disrespectful, a slob, ungrateful, and oblivious to how she acts around others and how her attitude is offensive. Yet, my father in law always comes to her rescue every single time at the last minute, even after saying time and time again that "this is the last time." He's always been her fallback and I don't think she'll ever change, nor will he when it comes to enabling her. She and her husband (who is the same way; they are both basically supported by my FIL) are still referred to as "the kids" by my extended in-law family. They are 23 and 24--they are not kids. But they are still treated as such, so I guess that's why they keep acting like it.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

He needs the rug pulled out from under him.  By enabling him you are only making it worse.  He needs to see what is' like to hit rock bottom and have to pull his own butt up and out of the mud, otherwise he is never going to truly appreciate anyones help or anything else for that matter.

You could start by making house rules for him.  Yes these will be different from the other kids in the house simply becuase THEY ARE kids, HE is not.  Put the rules in writing along with a 3 strikes your out clause.  Detail consequences for the 1st and 2nd strikes, 3rd strike he's out on his rump no questions asked.  But you have to STICK TO IT.  If you cut him ANY slack it's not going to work and he's going to keep disrespecting and walking all over you guys!!

[Judy246]

Tough love will be necessary.  I know you are his mother and your love is unconditional, BUT it's time that he learns (trial by fire) what the real world is all about. There will be a time when mom and dad will not be around to save him. It's time for him to leave. Give him a time frame to find a full time job that will support him and make sure to constantly check up on him, "I expect you to look for a job immediately and tell him you will be to support him until he becomes stable, but stable means, "yesterday", so you need to tell him that you must see effort on his part to land a full time job with benefits, immediately and do not discuss, but give him a  time frame to go on his own without mom and dad always there to pick up after him. Talk with his father and offer to help him with this transition to be on his own, but it's time for him to move on with his life and become a responsible, functioning adult and show him the way (out the door, hahaha), but be there as it all unfolds. I say, 3 month's to land a job and 3 months to find an apartment, roomates and on his own. Good Luck.

[sweetpea03]

Well as you can see, you aren't alone in this situation. I have two cousins who are like your son, one who has finally grown up and the other just going down that road. Both of my aunts have been through a lot. It took my older cousin a while to finally grow up, but he did. He was kicked out of the house and had to basically hit rock bottom to pick himself back up. If things are relatively calm and it seems it's getting a bit better, then I wouldn't push him out of the house. But once they seem to be getting worse, then you have a zero tolerance rule. Don't put up with his bad behavior. He'll have to learn that if he really wants to stay, that he has to change and change permanently. I'm sorry you have to go through this all. Good luck.

[MissLesa]

Thank you both for commenting and letting me know that I'm not the only one dealing with such an ungrateful child!

It's funny Penswriter because I also have a daughter who is 23 and like you she is very responsible and she's never given us any problems at all. My son always feels like she is the "favorite" child because she is given certain priveledges because she is a college grad and she majored in bio and she also minored in chem and while she's not working her ideal job, she is working 2 jobs to make ends meet.

I honestly have to say this is sooo hard because while he is so disruptive and demanding he can also be the best, ya know? I guess I know what I have to do...the tough love route but do I wait until there's another problem or do I do this now when things are RELATIVELY calm? God, this is really killing me!

Thank you both again and if you have more input I would appreciate it.....

[jrobertson20]

Well I do hate to say it but even though he has nothing he needs some tough love and by that I mean kicking him out of your house.  There is nothing else I think you can do other than that.  He is using you and knows that he always will have you to fall back on which is not right or fair.  He needs to know that you mean what you say and if he chooses to not follow the house rules then he can fend for himself.  I know it's hard and my seem heartless but sometimes you have to reach rock bottom before you start to change and I think for him this may be it.  Good luck and sorry you have to go through this.

[penswriter]

my mom had the SAME problem with my brother (who actually just turned 21). he was/is disrespectful, ungrateful, a slob, nasty, disgusting, dirty and lazy. he won't get a job and wouldn't when he lived at home. (when i did live at home i had a job. it was only 4 days a week but they were all 12 hour shifts and i was a bartender so i made really good money. I MADE THE MONEY! i'll stress that) he was always complaining about me buying things claiming my mom was supporting me. she wasn't. it was my own money. i helped around the house, cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping. so to thank me my mom and i had a mother/daughter night 2x's a month. we'd go out for a nice dinner and either drinks (after i was 21) or a movie. brother threw a fit that he couldn't go. (mom ALWAYS took him out to eat, bought him clothes, shoes, video games..etc etc. he'd either give them away or ruin them).

he started to become physically violent and verbally abusive. she finally said enough and kicked him out. he had nothing. he bounced around for a while from friend to friend but mom stood her ground and told him that until he replaced everything he had broken that there was no way he was moving back in with her. in that time he did get an apartment, got his 17 yr old ex gf pregnant and is now living with another girl (she's 18 and they've been dating a month). he's a mess but mom is letting him fall on his behind until he realizes he needs to fix himself and that nobody else will.

that may be what you have to do. let him fall. let him realize the weight of his decisions and let him suffer a bit. sometimes the only thing that will work is tough love. it's hard but...if the situation calls for it...