Love found me from my past

[CarolinaDee]

I recently signed up for Facebook and no sooner than I did, a long lost love emailed. He said he'd been looking for me on and off since 1986. He told me that he has always loved me and would love me again if I'd give him half a chance. Thank goodness he lives more than 1800 miles away. I am married, but have very very seriously considered taking that leap.
I have one son from my first marriage. He's entering high school next fall. The man I am married to is wonderful. Kind, caring, safe, comfortable, a little lazy, but makes good money and has always given me anything I needed. We've only been married since July of 07 but we've been together (in a living together situation) since spring of 05. Like I said I am very fortunate to be living a comfortable life. I work but only part time and in the summer months. We don't hurt for money or at least let's just say our bills are paid and we are not waiting for the next paycheck to come in. He has one son age 10 who lives with his ex. He does everything he can to stay involved. Including driving over 200 miles just to go to a Karate competition. Like I said great guy.
My dilema is this..... the man who found me had a profound affect on my life when I was 17. I ran away from home in April of my senior year. I was 17, he was 23. He saved me from a life of god knows what...(well let's just say.... he saved me). After spending a wonderful summer together, exploring life...loving laughing, living... he said I should go home and finish whatever unfinished business I had. So I did. We had intentions of me coming back. But of course as kids to... we drifted apart.
Now fast forward to today. We have been emailing back and forth the normal "how are you", what have you done throughout your life,kids,family...etc. Hard part comes when we talk on the phone. We both agree that there is this.... Something... this nagging feeling that we never finished what we started. He is not married now but he is in a relationship. he told me in one of our 3 and 4 hour long conversations that "he has always had relationships that he could walk away from but never ours. It was always there, always haunting him. And now that he found me he's not letting go. Even if we can only ever be friends.... he's not letting go again.
I don't know what to do... I want to leave, I want to stay. I have the maternal instinct to stay to keep my son safe (emotionally) Moving around has been hard on him. I have this incredible tugging in the pit of all that is good and evil that I battle with everyday now. Am I where I am supposed to be, am I with....??
I have been on meds that I thought were the reason for my lack of sex drive but.... now I wonder if it was something else all along.
Opinions are welcome.... I love the way I feel when I talk to my new/old/found mountain man but I am not sure why I am feeling that way. Is it love's past memory, missing out? fantasy? Infatuation? Arg............ man this *****!!

[CarolinaDee]

That's my problem. I am looking within myself and still not finding answers. Stupid, childish and probably selfish too, I know.

"...........do on waht your heart tell you to do" Princess Diana......... what exactly is that.

[iam1butterfly]

I think that the underlying issue has more to do with yourself than with... which man that you would prefer to be with. Many people buy into the notion that someone or something will make them happy... not realizing; or, realizing too late, that Joy, Happiness and Fulfillment comes from within oneself. Only you know how you feel and, you're asking yourself the right questions. I think that you'll find the answer deep within yourself.

"...do only what your heart tells you to do."  Princess Diana

[CarolinaDee]

I did have thoughts before about where I was and why I chose this life. I figured that I was just bored. I am worried that i got into this for all the wrong reasons. I have not immediate plans to meet the old/new/ returning guy in person. He lives really far away so it isn't possible now. I find myself thinking... "What are you thining? You can't Leave!!! You will mess up your kids life. Things would be hard on him" I find myself not saying what is most important. "You love your husband, don't leave."
I know that the new/old/returning guy is just a fantasy, an infatuation, a long lost love from the past that should stay in the past. Something else I know however is that now I am questioning why I am here and if I should be here. Am I here for the right reasons or just because it is safe and confortable. Am I using this man for a comfortable life? It is fun to think of the what if's but they are just that. What if's. The real problem is the why?
I am so tired of going to bed at the exact same time every night and watching the same things on tv every night. I am just waiting for the day to come when my husband says .... let's go get the blue plate early bird special. I am only 41 and this feels like my grandmother's house.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I think people have given you some great advice and insight.  The only thing I have observed is that it doesn't seem as though you were questioning your current relationship until this guy found you.  So, you may want to look at that too.  It seems like you thought you were happy until this person from your past came along.  And like many others have said, things and people change.  Life happens and that changes people.  I've even had friends and I was once close to.  Then we lost touch and got together later on and we had just totally changed as people.  Or maybe we were still the same on the inside, but we no longer had anything in common because our lives had gone in totally different directions.  So, just remember, even if you did meet up with this guy (which I don't recommend), don't expect to just pick up where you left off all those years ago.

I don't take marriage lightly, so I also think you really owe it to your current husband to really try and at least give him the chance to work on some things.  And like someone else said, your husband may want you to work on things too.  But you also need to get across to him how serious you feel about it.  He may not realize that part of it.  You may just need to tell him that you love and appreciate him but that you don't know how long you see yourself being okay w/ him traveling all the time and then just sitting around drinking beer when he is at home.  IDK...Something like that...As others have also said, he can't read your mind.  I have been with my husband for 9 years and I used to think, "Well, he should know (fill in the blank) by now".  Then it just dawned on me that my husband is not going to read between the lines like I'd like for him to.  I have to be pretty direct.  The direct approach is best anyway.  This way your husband can never say, "Well, you never told me that".

Take care and God Bless.  Best of luck!

[PrettyKitty1]

Carolina,

Just remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Measure what you'll be losing against what you'll gain, and see if it is worth it. You have a family, woman, a wonderful man, a good financial situation. What else could you ask for? Do you know how many women out there are willing to have what you do? Countless!!! Countless, I tell ya!! Work on your relationship and try to find LOVE for YOUR man.

God Bless...

[jenstam]

Don't do it.
Ask yourself what truly is missing with your marriage that you are even tempted by this man. Look at what you wrote. A good man, a good marriage, financial security and a child to think about. Why would you even be considering this?
Don't do it.

[CarolinaDee]

Thank you all for your comments. I know I have issues to work on and this helps.

I have talked with my husband about feeling disconnected. Needing friends and a little fun. He says, go ahead. He is content to sit here alone. We don't travel because he travels a lot. Like.... Austrailia one week and Bolivia two weeks later. Albany the Kiev. I'm ok with the time I spend alone but I wish he was more receptive to finding other couples to have dinner with or play cards with. I have to ask to go out for dinner and then he kind of winces about spending the money... (penny pincher) that's why we are comfortable I know. The he says.... how about pizza from across the street or take out chinese. I like to do the happy hour thing but my son is 14 and in the untrustworthy stage so that's out.
I feel trapped. Just like in my last marriage. Trapped with the complacency of it all. This time though I don't have my own money to make my own way. I work part time to spend more time with my son to help keep him out of trouble. Any real trouble that is,,,drugs, viloence..etc. And its working.

I guess this is just the infatuation of the past coming back and me getting into that 40 something mid life crisis stage. I'll work it out one way or another. Sooner or later.  

[imanaddict]

I agree with mami. If you have a good husband, try to make it work. Men can't, nor do they want to read our minds. If you are unhappy about something, speak up and work together on it. That is what marriage is all about. There are always things in our relationships that we aren't happy with. I'm sure there are things your husband wants you to work on as well. If your heart isn't in it, then it's not in it, but I wouldn't suggest running to this man that you haven't seen or heard from in years just yet. The relationship you had back then most likely won't be the same now. There are too many years and life experiences in between. I'm not saying it can't be, but chances are, it won't. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, so don't lose a good man for a chance that things won't work out. Good men are too few and far between these days!

[mami1323]

What you're speaking of is comfortability.  This occurs in every relationship when time has passed.  The next relationship will become just the same.  That beginning excitement does not last forever.  You have to make it that way.  So your husband doesn't bring you a beer.  Get one for yourself, sit down with him, talk and laugh together.  Recommend something to him, like going out on the town.  You can't expect him to read your mind, tell him how you feel.  He sounds a bit lazy but hey, what man isn't, you can make it work if you try.  That bad boy thing gets very old, very quickly, and you find yourself miserable and alone.  If you have a good husband try to make it work.

[CarolinaDee]

Everything you say (all of you) is correct. My husband is great. My problem is, I am not sure why we got together to start with. Iam afraid that I took advantage of his quick affections and willingness to take care of me and my son. When we met I was a single mom barely making ends meet. I had been dating the "bad boys" and I needed someone different. Someone safe. Someone that had a future, a job...etc. And in he walked. Now and even before my problem started I look back and wonder why? Did I really love this man and want to be with him for the rest of my life? Or was it convienent and safe? Now I find that we are stuck in this rutt of complacentcy. We go nowhere, we do nothing, we have no friends that we socialize with. We don't even drink together. he somes home (when he's not on travel) sits down and starts drinking beers and doesn't usually more except to get another beer. He doens't get drunk, or mean, or mouthy. He does nothing. Last year i had to pay the guy around the corner to cut the grass. I am not physically capable of the push mower and weed eater. This season my son does it. We've lived in this house for about 1 1/2 yrs and there are boxes in the shed that havne't been opened yet.
I guess its like you said... its the excitment the fantasy, the connection from the past. Right now I know there is no way something can happen. And thank goodness he lives over 1500 miles away. There's not a chance for the spontaneous meeting. But I catch myself thinking ok... your kid will be out of school in 4 years you can do it then. Or if anything happens and my husband isn't here anymore then its ok... And that's bad!
I know I need to explore exactly what it is I am feeling for this other man and sort it out. Again I say this stinks.

[PrettyKitty1]

Your husband is great. Why is it that not enough for you?

[iam1butterfly]

It is, indeed, a fantasy... a dream unfulfilled which, isn't to say that it's a bad thing. But, too many years have passed... you've had life changing experiences such as marriages, children and committed responsibilities. Plus, neither of you are the individuals that you were when you both met. Now, if you were both unattached and available; I'd say, "go for it" because you'd have little to lose and you wouldn't be hurting anyone. But, you're not in that situation. I think that an attempt to rekindle this lost love may ultimately prove to be disasterous. Some things (and people) are best left in the past.

[mami1323]

It is the excitment of it all that you are into.  The sneaking, the attention, knowing that this person has searched for you.  It's all about excitment.  I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, I suggest you either work on your relationship with your husband and cut off ties with your ex or leave your husband and pursue whatever your heart desires.  Do not hurt a good man.  It's unfair to him to do this.  If you don't feel like you can fully be happy with who you are with then do everyone a favor and leave now.  Because it looks to me like this can go down a very dark alley very soon.