Mother/Son Relationship breakdown

[karshemo]

My Gay Son has stopped all contact with me stating that our relationship was "too toxic"  I have no idea why this has happened, I have always been a huge supporter of Gay rights and issues and have shown nothing but unconditional love and support for him.  Our relationship changed when he married his Sweetheart five years ago.  I am a widow and desperately want to understand why this has happened and pray that this situation can be reversed very soon.

[birdie0907]

Realize that he is an adult and can't be controlled by his parent. He is free to make his own decisions, and maybe the driving force behind his decision was made by his partner. All you can do is try to get an explanation to see if there is a way to get back together, but accept his decision while doing so. Obviously that won't be easy given your feelings for him, but getting angry or anxious about it will be fruitless and will hurt you more.
Consider this burning coal example. Anger is like a burning coal thrown by one person at another. It burns both people, unless the other person ducks.

[nursegirl6572]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have to be honest, something doesn't make sense here.  He's cutting off ties and calling his relationship with you "toxic", and yet you proclaim that there's nothing wrong, nothing you can think of that would make him feel that way, other than the timeline when he got married.  That's really two pretty different extremes.  

There's NOTHING you can think of that would make him say that?  Were you always accepting of his sexuality and his partner?  Do you LIKE his partner?  Get along with him?  Any issues there?

Really, communication is the key, but if he's closed off completely to the idea of that, there's little you can do I'm afraid.  It would be helpful to have some more info to better advise you.  Something just isn't adding up here....

Hang in there!

[RockRose]

I would be inclined to agree with Nursegirl,  except I've seen this too often.  Just last week it came around and hit me again - a dear friend I have who has 5 grown sons was disowned by her middle son.  Took them COMPLETELY by surprise and hurt them to the core.  You never loved me,  you never supported me,  you alway rejected me,  etc.,  was what he said and it left the brothers and the parents in complete shock.  I knew this boy growing up and he was kind of an effort to raise - often in trouble,  didn't try in school,  took 6 years to get a bachelors degree,  etc.  And his parents stood unwaveringly by his side.

Then he married and after several years the two of them rejected his family.  

I had a cousin who had the exact same path.  He's in his late 50s now and we still don't get it.  

I don't think this has to do with being gay.  I think it has to do with being odd.  Both the young men are not successful,  and I think when they look at where they are in life they think my parents must be toxic because I can't manage to get my feet under me.  

I wish you well.  I can't imagine the pain you are feeling,  but I think it's very much coming from him and not you.

[birdie0907]

It is not possible to make that determination that this has to do with "being odd" given the lack of info.
Everyone is different and has different perceptions of others, so like NG and I said, more info is needed.

[Londres70]

Agree with NG.............pieces and parts are missing here.

What do you mean when you say your relationship changed after he married his partner?

[karshemo]

As NG said, there is something odd here, I really don't have any idea where we went wrong.  From a very early age, he tried to better himself to the point of being a snob, this is not bad thing I guess but I do feel he was embarrassed by his roots. I think he may be suffering from the blame syndrome as he did have a rather traumatic time in his early school life. He left the nest at 18 and never returned, he has always been determined to make a good life.

[Londres70]

"His roots" meaning what?   "Traumatic time?"  I guess I am searching for more detailed information to better respond to your post.

You stated the relationship was ok until he married his partner, but now you say he is suffering from the "blame syndrome."  If the latter is true then how could the relationship have been ok before this marriage?  The relationship would of been not ideal for a while............since he left home at 18.

[karshemo]

Roots meaning his lineage - traumatic time, he was victimized by a Teacher and the blame syndrome can occur after a bad experience during childhood, according to Freud.  He left home at 18 because he did not want to return to his country of birth after my Husband's death.

[Londres70]

I am familiar with Freud, but has he actually been assessed by a Psychologist or Psychiatrist?  In other words, did you get him any counseling; did he receive any counseling?

[Londres70]

Was he bullied because of his ethnic background or nationality?  

I am assuming you all aren't from the US.

[Life360_Dave]

Its possible that  what he sees in your eyes is not the same as what he hears you speak.

[Londres70]

Normally people just don't cut you off without something major happening.  Perhaps it was one incident or a cumulation of incidents over the years.

[karshemo]

Bullied because he was a very sensitive child, No counselling as far as I am aware. Who is really normal? define normal?

[specialmom]

I think that is a really odd response, who's normal.  There are actually normal patterns of behavior and responses that people have.  This doesn't mean that they aren't unique individuals but just being cut off from your son makes one wonder about a history of some types of issues between you and he or you and his partner.  That's what the question is.  

You seem to be indicating that he is cleaning house so to speak of his 'past' due to harm he suffered maybe not at your hands but in some way, he must view something you did as contributing or not being there to help him.  Otherwise, you'd be his champion during  those hard times.

This is not a condemnation of your parenting.  We are all doing the best we can.  But whether real to you or not, he has some perceived pain you've caused him.  It is helpful if you can think of what that might be.  

[karshemo]

I do appreciate your comments Specialmom and yes, I feel he was let down my myself and my husband during his early school days, however, once the problem came to ahead and out in the open, it was dealt with but perhaps not completely to his perception or understanding at that time. I admit that my Son and I are very much alike and have clashed on occasions, unfortunately, I beat myself up for my shortcomings but then I guess, all Mum's do.

[specialmom]

Yes, we do.  And generally, people get over our shortcomings that all parents have.  Some hold onto them.  He sounds like he is doing that now.  I would tell him that this hurts you because you love him and you are always here for him if he ever wants to talk.  That's about all you can do.  

I'm sure this is really painful.  

[karshemo]

I have done that specialmom but as yet no response.  We haven't spoken since January this year but I am ever hopeful that this will change.

[specialmom]

You could send him things in the mail and write, no pressure to respond.  Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.  ????  

[UnsureMS]

I am sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. The past is probably what is causing all this. Still what was or wasn't done cant be changed, and the best you can do is seek his forgiveness for whatever wrongs he feels you did to him. Don't beat yourself up over anything though, stay strong. Your strength is what is going to help you through this. Plus it is a great thing to stay strong in your faith and in prayer. For you know you loved him as only a mother could and only want him truly happy.

You may want to give him some space but at the same time to resolve the issues you will have to find a way to communicate with him. If you were somewhat close to his sweetheart or spouse then try talking to them to get a better understanding of what is going on. If that is not a possible path and he won't talk to you, then write him. You said yourself he was a senistive child and more then likely he still has a good heart. So if you open up to him then maybe you both can begin to mend the pain and hurt that has caused your relationship to come to this.

Still please don't stop doing for you and being a strong woman. Children are allowed to make mistakes to and will have to face their choices head on. The relationship may never have been perfect but you never can gain the same love as a mothers love from anyone else. Therefore I trust that he will come to realize he does need you. Just never stop praying or lose faith in what you thought you had with your son. I will be praying for you too. And if I can give you anymore moral or support of any kind I will try. May god be with you and your family...

[Londres70]

Hon, I stated "normally," not normal people.  Normally meaning in general people don't just cut someone off without a reason and now you've stated the reason.  

Sounds like there has been underlying issues for years and you would benefit from therapy.  As far as this son..........maybe over time he will be able to reconnect with you and only time will tell.  I think a professional counselor is in order here.  

[RockRose]

In reading through more of this,  I feel very much the same as when I first posted.

He's blaming you for his unhappiness.  And who knows what's causing his unhappiness - it may be chemical.  *shrugs in confusion*

The men who I know who have done this say "I never felt like I fit in".  And then they lash out at their parents.

Karshemo,  enjoy your other blessings and pray for your son's happiness,  if you are the praying kind.  

[karshemo]

Thank you, God is on my side so I have no worries that all will be well in God's time, however the human side of me is hurt.

[karshemo]

Thank you all for your comments, I guess the bottom line is to wait and hope all will be resolved, I have tried to make contact with my Son on several occasions but to no avail, he did tell my Sister that he does want a relationship with me but that was months ago, no contact has been made by him since.

[UnsureMS]

Have you tried his spouse?