i don't get it; is it me or just him?

[sp33dd3mon13]

ok, so ive only known him for a year n we've been living togethe for a lil over 4 months... i love him to death. but cuz of his ex, he oesnt trust me that much. and i told him EVERYTHING, literally. but thats not all... hes barely affectionate with me. i've asked him if he thinks im unattractive, he says no. im like than whats wrong? are u gay? hes like f*** no! so i asked, what would u change about me, n be honest... hes like baby ur beautiful, but u would look so much hotter if u just lost some weight. so i am... oh, theres more.... he doesn't like to kiss that much, fine i get it (it *****, but its understandable), the worst part is, when i dress up or spontaniously get on top of him n kiss him, he pushes me off n says no. i don't get it, is it me or him? it just kills me inside to know that maybe he thinks im just not good enough 4 him even though i do everything for him. sometimes i feel so empty. the only time he wants to do anything is whenever hes in the mood (not very often). sorry, long post, but im running out of patience with him. help, pleaseee... thanks.

[sammy73]

Just to clarify, I DO think looks are important, and that it helps the relationship for both partners to work on maintaining their looks as best they can.  It just seemed to me that the original poster thought that looks were the only (or at least) main criteria, i.e. as long as he fancied her physically that was all that was really necessary.  I wanted to point out that there's a lot more to it than looks.

[Fuzzz]

I agree with all the above ideas except that appearance doesn't matter after you've been together a while.  My husband totally let himself go after we got married, and I found it disappointing and rather disrespectful to me.  I stayed in shape, so I think he should have made the effort to stay healthy and fit.  Now he wishes he'd paid more attention when he had the chance.  

[jsavat]

I have to agree with Sammy73 to a degree. I feel it probably is a combination of both of you. I know from experience that being needy is a turn off. Why don't you try this.... Stop asking for his affection and start trying to live your life for you and as if you're having to  move on without him. You will be suprised but when it seems as if you don't need his attention and affection so much he'll probably start giving it more.  I know this may sound wierd but men do like "the chase". And when that chase goes away completely then he gets bored.  So you have to live your life for you and let him choose if he wants to be in it. Also, if you have gained weight since you've been together then maybe you should work on that.  Not to sound superficial but guys don't want their woman to start getting fat once they start living together cause it may come across as your not taking care of yourself like you were before living together.  Some people may disagree with me, but i'm being honest and not living in a fairy tale world where there's always a happy ending no matter what!  So take it for what it's worth! Good Luck to you!!

[KATE535]

To Sammy73- With respect, feeling your partner thinks you're beutiful is important to women, otherwise you lose confidence in yourself, and the relationship can feel stale without the little tokens of love such as compliments. Women love to be flattered and appreciated by their partner like that... it can mean an awful lot to be told 'you look beautiful today' - a healthy expression of adoring that person. No one lady wants a relationship with no romance or pampering. He should be making her feel beautiful by telling her.

To sp33dd3mon13 - He sounds like an idiot. You do everything for him, crave his affection but he wont give it, he doesn't trust you, calls you overweight, makes you feel you're not worthy enough, and rejects you when it comes to intimacy. Ditch him and find someone who appreciates you !! You sound like a nice person - a realtionship is important to you, he doesn't even deserve your time. Put your energy into someone who will adore you back. You can do better, I wouldn't waste my time with him.

[sammy73]

It's (almost) never just one person or the other, it's the combination.  In your case, it seems you want him to feel something he doesn't, or behave in a different way, or react to you in a different way.  The problem is the combination of the way he feels and he behaves, and the way you want that to be different.  It's not you, it's not him, it's the combination of the both of you.

One possible problem here is that you may be coming across to him as needy, or clingy, or desperate for confirmation of his love.  If you are always asking him about this sort of thing, that's how it will look to him.  That is not an appealing behaviour - it is more likely to turn him off, push him away, if you behave like that frequently.  If you can back off from this behaviour, give him more space, maybe he will come to you.

It might also help if you tell him that it would mean a lot to you if he would compliment you occasionally, tell you how nice you look, without you having to prompt him or ask him.  He may well just not realise how important it is for you to hear that, and it means much more if he says it without you just having asked for it moments before.

Only you can decide if you are prepared to live with him the way he is, or whether to end it.  Don't hang on hoping and waiting for him to change all on his own; he won't.

And by the way, I get the impression from your post that you believe that him finding you physically attractive is all that is necessary for him to want to be with you (I might have got that wrong, but that's the way your post comes across to me).  This is so not true.  Looks may help two people hitch up initially, but they quickly lose their importance, and have very little relevance as to whether a relationship lasts long-term.  No-one stays with a partner for long based only on physical attraction; if the characters of the two people don't mesh together well, looks count for nothing.