need advice my husband is calling his ex even though he promised he will not do it

[nk132]

we have been married for 10 years happily married with kids but once he left his mail open and i accidently saw his mails  he is in contact with his girlfriend forh past 5 years when i confronted him he said we r just friends and promised he will not call or mail her again. but they r constantly in touch he is lying to me should i confront him or just shut up and let him have his SPACE pls advice

[teko]

I think it is a total breach of trust. I do. You had the discussion and made a commitment to each other on this subject and he broke his promise and on top of that insulted you even more by lying about it. I say all bets are off the table. Dag gone right I would confront his sorry butt and have the proof in hand when I did it! How would he feel if it was you doing it? AH! but that is different! The world would end as he knew it! Right! I would ask him to ask her if she has a spare room, he needs shelter!  (Of course I am being sarcastic), but yes that would make my blood boil!

[specialmom]

I think lying about a relationship with a woman (or man) is unacceptable ----- period when married.  No, I wouldn't let this go.  I'd want to know what was so dang gone important that my feelings didn't count.  So important that he was willing to lie and lose my trust over it.  I would really want an answer to that question.

I think that when we are married, that the rules change a little bit.  Secret friendships with someone we once had sex with is not okay.  

My husband had many female friends when we married.  The ones that were not interested in being my friend as well dropped out and my husband didn't talk to them anymore.  It happened kind of naturally.  But only the women that were on the up and up and strictly wanted to be friends stayed around and they befriended me as well.

I think you need to have a long talk.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

I talk with my old boyfriend occasionally, and we send letters on the rare occasion (such as birthdays, or when one of us sees something that we think the other would be interested in) and we email about once every 4 months.  Fortunately, I'm not interested in getting back together with him; he is not sexually appealing to me.  But he is smart and funny, and was my closest friend in late high school and early college, and I don't have any brothers, so he fills a really big void.  Luckily, my husband knows this and is not troubled by the fact that I talk to Mr. Ex every now and then.  I also talk about Mr. Ex and his doings to my husband.  (Probably he would be more worried if I *didn't* talk to him about Mr. Ex than if I do.)

Your husband, on the other hand, has not been casual and open about talking to Ms. Ex.  Possibly the first time he tried it, you reacted in such a way that he decided it wasn't worth the heat, or maybe he has had an ulterior motive all along.  It's hard to tell from what you said.  (I wasn't all that open about my initial connectedness with Mr. Ex, either, because I thought the whole thing would tee my husband off.  It took a while to realize that he was OK because he could tell *I* didn't care in a way that would threaten our marriage.)  

Since your husband has not been casual and open, and since he is not likely to now because you're coming on like the confrontation police, you two should probably go talk to a counselor and work it out.  The hiddenness makes me think there is at least a partial chance that he has ulterior motives.  A good professional should help you two talk it out without blowups.  For best results, your posture should be -- "Look, honey, I want you to have fun and I want you to have friends, and I'm sorry if I came on angry or jealous, but it was a shock that you hid the contact, not that you have a friend in her."   Then you should drum up an old boyfriend or two to talk to on the phone when he is around.  (Just kidding!)

[penswriter]

I agree with myenzoorka...there is no privacy with married couples. My husband has all my passwords for everything from email to my facebook. And I have all his. We don't read each others pages b/c we trust each other and have never given the other a reason not to but we have no secrets from each other.

Definitely confront him. He's lying to you. Flat out lying and that is completely unacceptable in a marriage. And it's worse that he's keeping an exgf a secret. It's usually never a good idea to remain friends with those you used to be  romantically involved with after marriage. That can usually lead to no good.

[myenzoorka]

The way I see it is, he lied.  He didn't try to compromise on whether he could talk to her - he just lied.  And you caught him.  I tell my teenage daughter that if she lies - she loses her privacy (and the same goes for my husband).  So, if he pulls a "you invaded my privacy" speech, calmly explain to him that married couples have no need to hide friendships, unless they're lying about the relationship.  I, personally, would take a different route - but that would end up with me going to jail, undoubtedly.  So, yes, I think you should confront him.  At this point, you have a right to demand that the two of them do not contact each other.