miss free

[mrtrue]

    I was in love with my girlfriend ''Miss Free''.
We were together for over 4 years.
She was 13 years younger than me.
   After one year together she admitted to cheating on me, but said it was a mistake and it would never happen again.
So, I took her back. We really were a good couple. We always won ''cutest couple'' at parties and such.
   We were together for 3 more years, and I pretty much forgave her.
I started to have financial worries, and I was having some mid life crisis feelings,
because I was going to be 40 years old soon. I guess I wasn't being myself,
and maybe that's why she did what she did.
But, as much as I dreaded turning 40 I never expected it to be as bad as it was.
    On my 40th birthday ''Miss Free'' threw a surprise birthday party for me!
She invited all my friends, and it was really cool!
    But that night I could tell something was wrong.
I asked her, and that's when she told me, ''I'm sorry but I'm just not happy anymore.''
     She left me the next morning.
I was devastated. I even went to her house and begged her to take me back . . .
she said no. I guess she was already with a new guy.
      I was so hurt, I wanted to kill myself. But as I was driving home from her house,
I remembered that I had quite a bit of money saved up. So I figured I might as well spend it before I die.
      So I went straight to guitar center and bought some recording equipment, so I could make the songs I had written come to life. When I dropped her stuff off a couple months later, I gave her a demo of my music.
She liked it so much, she probably thought I was going to get rich  . . .  And we got back together!
  But she left me a couple months later. This time for good.
She was very beautiful, and had no problem meeting new guys. I wasn't able to ''move on''.
   After ''dating'' a few guys she got married about a year after leaving me, and had a baby.
That was over 3 years ago.
   I have since lost my job of 25 years, my beach house, my life savings, and at 43 years old,
I'm now broke, unemployed, and I live with my mom.
   I had always been able to get girls before, but now my confidence is shattered,
and I've lost my power of attraction completely.
I've been alone for almost 4 years now.
My hopes and dreams have vanished.
   I have seen many shrinks but I can't get over her.
I am dying of loneliness.
I don't think I can take much more.
My broken heart is slowly killing me.
    
    sincerely,
     ''Mr. True''    
        P.S.,
  I released 2 records on itunes . . .
  but my music failed too.
      

[lost_myself]

I have been through the same or similar and am close to your age..the diference is I am feeling better than ever, in the best shape of my life and happy with myself now so I dont have that horrible need to have someone "validate" me. I was where you are now not long ago. I dont care to share more than I have in my other posts on here but I think I can help..PM me if you're interested..This not the end but  new beginning ...Take care

[coolas]

You say that she was 'very beautiful' and I wonder whether when you say you can't get any other girls, that you can't get any other girls as beautiful as her and therefore you are not interested?   I wonder if this girl hadn't been so drop dead gorgeous whether you would have tolerated the cheating and her dumping you?  What is it about her that you can't get over?  I see that you live in LA..  I have been here a year or so myself and find that there is an extraordinary amount of importance attached to one's looks and image.  I'm sure it must have been a very cool and sexy time to have this hot young girlfriend, but everything has it's season and maybe it's time for you to 'grow' a little.

Here's what I mean..  My boyfriend used to have a very sexy cool job that allowed him options of every kind - he got to do things that most people only dream of..  But the job came to an end and he still had his life to live..  So he spent some time mourning his old life, and now he wakes up happy every day because he has me and my daughter and our dog; he has a family; and it might not be as glamorous or cool as the job he had, but it is much richer existence and much more fulfilling on a deeper level..  

You need a shift in your perception.  Stop pining after what you can't have - what a waste of time; we only have but a short time on this planet, please don't waste it pining after somebody who doesn't want you.  There are sooo many single women in this city for you to date.. But you can't go comparing them to your gorgeous and much younger ex..  

In the meantime, go live your life; smell the air in the morning, try and remember that you are lucky to be alive; get yourself a job, doesn't matter doing what, just the act of working will make you feel better.  Exercising is always key too because of the endorphins..  I've heard the book 'Total Self-Confidence' is a good one for self-esteem building.

Don't let this relationship define your life - look at it as a beautiful experience that had it's season.. Time to move on now..

Best wishes,
A

[jo929]

i forgot to say have a nice xmas and make a resolution for the new year make one that says you are going to go forward and do something with your life there are plenty of good women out there just waiting  luck jo

[jo929]

never put someone on a pedastal, they will surely fall, I think that you need to get your head on straight lots of people lose the ones they love, but they have the guts to pick themselves up and go on, youi act as if she is dead, and you really need to pull yourself out of whatever you are in and think of others instead of poor little me, is she really worth it, just because she was younger and a little immature. it sounds as if she did not love you, so get your self esteem back and get up and go and get a job, i bet mom is tired of seeing you this way do you not think you may be hurting her and your friends by acting like this and thinking suicide is out you know what people think of that they do not feel sorry for them so wake up mr and get going there are lots of people that are really sick out there think of them, and for petes sake get over this pity thing, and do something with your life you might start by going to work   luck  jo

[Agiesmom]

I'm sure you don't want to hear that it will get better with time (even though it really should if you weren't sucked into a giant vortex of negativity) and I'd be willing to bet that you know exactly what you SHOULD be doing, but just aren't.

I would continue with counseling, but I'd find a therapist that will help you shift your thought process and make changes, not one who will sit and let you go over and over and over how awful this woman made you feel and how awful you feel about the things that haven't gone as planned.  There's no way you will ever feel better sitting around thinking and talking about this stuff.

She isn't making you feel anything.  You are allowing yourself to feel this way.  You have control over your thoughts.  And your thoughts are EXTREMELY powerful.

She's not worth being so hyperfocused on.  She's just a person.  She makes mistakes.  And she's moved on.  I think this is like someone dying in a way--I think many people tend to focus on the good when they lose a loved one.  You focus on what you miss and tend to remember the nice and good things much more and this can sometimes result in the person being built up into a very unrealistic place in your mind.

You are making her the reason for feeling so awful--and now you're stuck in this vicious cycle of believing she's something she's not, feeling bad about not having her, making bad decisions because you feel bad, and then feeling bad when your bad decisions lead to bad situations, and it all started (in your mind) with the loss of her.  (And when I type "bad", I'm referring to your perception of it...I don't like to view things as "bad" because I think you can, at least, usually learn something from most situations--and we are an accumulation of ALL our experiences: good and bad.  (The Pursuit of Happyness comes to mind here.)

She has been THE reason for your perceived failures and bad feelings for years and it seems like you have somehow made "losing her" the reason for all the negative stuff that you have been through--the things that you have actually drawn to yourself with your negative state of mind.

I really like the book "You Can Feel Good Again" by Richard Carlson.  Basically, it's about how you can't have a negative feeling without a negative thought preceding it.  The author discusses retraining how you think.  Definitely worth a read, imo.  If your post above is a snapshot into how you think most of the time, it's no wonder you are feeling so bad.

And you're not old (this is coming from someone older than you, mind you! ;)), but you WILL be one day--don't waste any more time and thoughts and energy on things that make you unhappy.  You have the power to turn this around.

All the best to you.

[Judy246]

Wow, life is too precious and valueble to want to take it for someone not worth it. You need to work on yourself esteem and love will happen naturally and when you least expect it. I recommend that you seek counseling to help you sort out your problems and suicide is never the answer. Someone will attempt suicide, because they do not havde the proper copeing skills to what in reality is a temporary situation and this too shall pass.

Start setting goals for yourself and how you will reach those goals. Start by finding a job and take it from there....good luck, Judy

[specialmom]

No one can convince you to "get over it".  It WILL happen . . . with time.  

Until then, you should just work on yourself.  Excercise, continue your hobbies but with a reasonable expectation this time (maybe it would have been nice to be a rock star, but it is okay too to just enjoy playing music), meet people (men AND women) just as friends, and work on gainful employment.  By the way-----  why did you lose your job?  No woman can make you lose a job----  that would be you that did that.  Are you clinically depressed?  If so, then I would continue to see the "shrink" but add some different meds and a talk therapist on top of that.  If you are depressed, treating it will make life SO much better.  

Anyway, I'm sorry that you have a broken heart.  I have one as well but over a death.  Fourteen years and going strong-----  still broken hearted.  But life has gone on, I've developed a life outside of the loss, I cry privately.  This was the death of my mother----  but it is the same thing.  We mourn the loss of a love relationship like we do the loss of someone special to us that passes away.  Time dulls the pain a little-----  and in your case, you may eventually when you are in a better place emotionally meet someone that will put a big old band aid on that heart.  I hope so.  Good luck.