my natural father is not daddy

[mdbaby79]

Im back again with an update to the family situation. I found out thru dna test in July 2011 that my real dad is a different person. He is deceased 26+ years. My parents are seperated since 96 and my dad is fairly supportive of me in this. He listens to what I have to say while my mother is not as responsive although she is trying I feel but it must be way bigger burden on her than him. She can throw fairly bad stuff at me when I start to push her as to why she never told me about this and why her sister told me about it instead.
For most of the the time I dont know how to feel about it. I get angry and when I cant take anymore I put my head in my hands and cry like Ive never cried before. I feel let down, and disappointed that I was never told this sooner and sometimes feel betrayed. My mother says she nevr knew for sure and thats whay she never told me but she revealed recently that she brought me to his funeral when I was 6 1/2. My long Birth cert also had not my dads full name and when my mother found out that I had that from the registrations office last may 20 she went and got it changed legally to my dads name ( not my natural father ) to correct what she said was an administration error. It had the name of the doctor who delivered me as the first name on the birth cert while my dads surname was correct so my fathers name on the birth cert read

First name: Doctors surname
Surname : My dads surname ( not my natural father )

Sometimes athough she says that she never told anyone and so daddy would never have known this I feel that he might have had suspicions about my birth all those years ago. But for him to admit that to me now would be difficult as he might feel that I would be angry with him for not telling me himself and him just keeping quiet thru the marriage and chldhood. I sesne sometimes that they both might have kept it in their hearts as a secret from each other and maybe this is what caused the break up because my mother did say to me b4 "I hope that you dont think this was the cause of the seperation"

Birthday is coming up in less than 3 weeks. My dad has asked my mother in a vm that we meet up and finally lay everything o the table ( sometimes his directness is admirable, even though he has it seems much resentment towards my mother because of his own sense of betrayal, at least thats how hes acting , so it seems genuine to me ).


I texted her today telling her that the foundation of my world has disintegrated and that my whle past seems like a lie now and that I am confused very sad and angry that she has not yet sat down and talked to me about it like she said she would in  a letter last year.

So I am wondering what if anything will happen on the 25th my birthday seeing what my dad has tried to put in place.

I would appreciate advice on what I should do or say because although I was asking for this since this time last year I feel I might freeze or fall into usual role around family situation when I  feel I should be stronger now and step up to the mark.

Thanks
mdbaby79

[specialmom]

I'm sorry you took the advice given that way.  I think something that 'strangers' are recognizing or think they are is that you seem very sad and fixated on this as the reason.  I'm sure it is part of it, don't get me wrong.  I just think that you have complicated emotions.  Your emotions should be something that you discuss with a therapist to help you understand.  but this is your situation and you have a right to feel as you do over it.  I think everyone has wanted to help you and hope that you find peace.  I really hope that you do.  good luck

[mdbaby79]

Thanks for telling me your story. from your age ( I had to wait till 31.5 to find this out and from an aunt ) and what you say it seems that there was more transparency and way less secrecy in your growing up life even if you weren't getting to the bottom of it. At least you KNEW there was some doubt about your identity which to me  would help in creating that. Thats all I'm saying about my situation.

[mdbaby79]

whats the point anymore thinking that others will understand when they just like to categorize this in their own little pigeon holes.

I dont "berate" my mother. Like normal humans I sometimes argue and as this has been hidden for years and was told me by her sister I have a right to do that.

Did you ever think that I might have difficulty in saying what I feel and just put down what I think at the time. But you just jumping on the preaching bandwagon doesnt help much.

Thanks and Goodbye.

The 25th is my birthday.

[specialmom]

I feel bad for you mdbaby.  I hear a great deal of sadness in the way you write.  So much more is going on with you I'm afraid.  I think that you are struggling so much in general and this is the thing that you blame all of that on.  Could that be?  I so recommend seeking a therapist to help you clarify and express your emotions.  

I wish for peace in your heart.

[TTinKKerBBell]

My resonse to mdbaby79 is also the same as it was the first time around but I would like to address josie_may:

Love isn't DNA, sweetie.  We need to realize that nothing sacred happens when an egg and a sperm meet - that's just biology!!  RICHIE is Your DAD. He sounds like a wonderful man and HE'S the GrandDaddy to Your Children - we don't NEED the biology for Love and Compassion.  We can sometimes waste YEARS trying to undo what can't be undone.
Good Luck

[josie_may]

hi my name is Josie I am 21 years old. When I was growing up I used to hear my family talking about me saying that they daon't know who my dad really is. later on I found out that there are three men who it might be. First there is Bryan the man who signed my birth cirt. He is also supposed to be the father of both my brother and sister. No one believes he is really my brothers dad, but everyone is sure he is my sisters. next is Richie. He raised me and was always there for me even now. And fillaly there is Jr. I have never met him. He tried to meet me when I was 16 but I refused and said that he had all those years to try to get to know me and never took the time. But if he is my father then I would have another sister.  Growing up I was put into foster care because of my mother. After over a year in care Bryan who had my sister already living with him let me move in. Two weeks later he put me back in care. We went to counsling and he told me that I was a mistake. His side of the family has always told me that there was a DNA test done when I was a baby, or that they are pretty sure there was one. But everythime I bring it up they all say is they are not sure. And when I no longer speak to Bryan and have never had a chance to ask him personally. Then Richie my dad the man that raised me and took care of me. Even to this day he would do anything for me. I asked him a few years ago about the whole situation and he said that he believes he is my dad and either way it didn't matter because I would always be his baby. He told me that if I really wanted to know that he would pay to have a DNA test. I told him no because I am to scared of the results. I love Richie he is my dad. Bryan never cared about me he even told me that he could never love me. He has never met my children or my husband. And his name is not even in their baby books. I have been fighting doing the test for years but now that my children are getting older I am getting more curious. I want them to know who their family is but I am to scared to do anything about it. I am afrais that it will come back that Bryan is my father and he will do to them what he did to me. I don't want my boys to feel the way that I felt. Every time I ask my mom about all of this I get a different mans name. She hates Richie because we all love him so much and she tells me she thinks it is either Bryan or Jr. She claims most of the time that there never was a DNA test.

[RockRose]

My opinion hasn't changed since the last time you posted this in mid January.  I do think at some point (maybe very soon) your mother is going to say she's put up with this questioning as long as she's going to,  and if you can't think of something else to discuss don't bother calling.  Were I her,  I would have reached that point a long time ago.

BTW,  if you're not quite 25,  your dad hasn't been dead for 26+ years.  I'm not sure what that's about.

I wish you healing,  and I think rather than continue to berate your mother,  you might focus your energies on finding a therapist who can try to unwind this thought process you're having and figure out what's behind it.