no more sex

[jasmine273]

My boyfriend and I moved to New York 9 months ago for graduate school.  This is our first time living together or with a significant other in general. We have been together for almost two years, he is 23 and I am 25.  He started school last fall and I started this spring.  I have been waiting tables full time on top of everything. I have made friends through school and work, he has not. That being said it has been hard to adjust to our new life together- and our sex life has taken a turn for the worst.  We haven't completely stopped doing it, but for the past 5 or 6 months we have been intimate only once a month!  After we moved here things slowly started to decrease in frequency in the bedroom.  I want to think that we are both just stressed and adjusting to a new city and a new life- but once a month? I have gone through all possibilities in my head- is he cheating? has he found someone else?  is he bored with me?  We have talked about it numerous times, and every time he says that he is insecure- which does not make sense to me.  Why all of a sudden is he insecure?  I want to believe him but I am stuck on the thought that it is something else.  Perhaps he is not getting enough physical activity, perhaps he is depressed or we are drinking too much?  I have no idea and I am frustrated and hurt!  If he is insecure then what can I do besides be patient and supportive?  And at what point do I say enough is enough.  I love him so much and I believe he feels the same about me, and I want to work through it I just don't know if this is temporary or the means to an end.  I am concerned that we are just not meant to be together romantically, though I still feel romantic for him.  We set aside date nights when we can, which sometimes helps but not usually.  We get along just fine otherwise, aside from typical bickering from time to time we do not fight.  I doubt he is cheating because he hardly leaves the house; he is always doing schoolwork.  Every time I bring it up or try to instigate sex he says it feels contrived and that he just wants things "to be" and to come naturally. I agree but sometimes I think couples need to set aside time....I think it is great that we are so open with one another, and that the communication is solid, but what's the deal?  Suggestions, anyone?  What can I do to reignite the passion that has slipped away?  And most importantly, why, why, why, why?

[specialmom]

Ya know, you seem like you love him and he you.  That is wonderful.  I think it would be fine to wait.  He very well be under additional stress from school and circumstances right now and that could get better.  I do agree too that when one is trying to get over feeling inadequate, it is hard to look at where you fall short.  I'd try to think out of the box and get sex back into the routine.  Maybe that long weekend away from it all would be a good idea.  Summer also tends to bring on that carefree attitude al on its own.  I'd also not talk about how he doesn't want to be with you . . . but instead, talk about how much you want HIM!!  After a couple of months of trying to be the instigator and just letting it naturally happen, I think I'd bring up counseling.  If he does suffer from a low level of depression/anxiety that is doing a number on his libido-----  they would uncover that and get him the appropriate help.  If his libido is naturally low, it will help you negotiate through that as a couple.  good luck!

[jasmine273]

Thank you, Specialmom.  I have not mentioned counseling to him, but I think it might be worth a try.  It's a sensitive thing, you know, and whenever I want to talk about it he says it just makes things worse, and that he feels pressured and more insecure that he "does not want to have sex with his hot girlfriend."  If he has a naturally low labido, I can deal with it, because mine is not the highest either, I am just not used to having him not want me all the time, like he used to.  Here's my next question, is it safe to just give things some more time and wait it out, say, another month or two, before bringing it up again to see what happens?  I am hoping for a change back, to at least once a week which I find ideal.  Hopefully this will gradually evolve, though I do not think it will be as simple as I hope.

[specialmom]

Oh, and I think that a weekend away as in a "mini vacation" can do wonders to jump start a stalled sex life.  good luck

[specialmom]

I'm sorry, I hate to hear of this happening.  It does happen, however?  I don't know what is going on here but it is probably a combination of things.  He very well may have a low level of depression as you describe him in a way that he isn't making connections with people or branching out at all.  Stress of a new place, school, uncertain of the future after school, new living situation with a partner, etc. may just be taking a toll on him.  But . . . I agree that it has to be a little more.  You say the other things are fine in your relationship?  I only ask because if you lose a bit of a connection, sometimes intimacy suffers.  A couples sex life does change a bit as they've been together a while but if they were sexually compatible prior to that phase of things, they should still desire a sex life together.  Your boyfriend seems to have a low libido.  Back to a low level depression and a high level of anxiety/stress taking a toll.  

I think a counselor may be helpful for you two.  Is that a possibility?  
I think you are smart to be asking this quesiton.  I would not take a relationship to the next level with someone that I was having sexual issues with.  I am sure you want sex to be part of your life---------  so this problem has to be resolved, or you're best to move on.  

Communication helps but I think his libido needs addressed.  If it is determined that his libido is just naturally low---------  can you live with that?  It may come to making that decision.  Good luck