overcoming my issues with husband's 'needs'

[psyvamp]

I want to start this out owning that I am the one with a "problem". And i want to find some ways to better deal with the issue.
Often times during our lovemaking-- my husband has to manually stimulate himself (with my 'assistance'/participation) in order to reach ejaculation. He seems to have no issues with this method-- and sometimes-- rarely-- i prefer it-- just to hurry up and get him his satisfaction (it's almost always after mine). However, there are many times, that it makes me feel incompetent, as if I am not god enough for him to be able to orgasm during direct intercourse ( most preferred), and sometimes even oral stimulation. I feel  bad, after wards... sad. Of course-- I have never mentioned this to him-- I would not want in any way to seem unloving, ungrateful or otherwise negative to him. He does not however, seem to have any
( obvious) personal issues with insecurity or anything...So-- here is my dilemma. how do I deal with MY emotions about this-- and if I can't-- how could I possibly go about talking to him about it ??? ( without making him feel bad).

[psyvamp]

***Mami & Imanaddict:  I have trouble ( it's just me) talking to him--- not because of him-- but because of my own insecurities and scars from my past. Which he is aware of.
He has his scars, too. But we can- and often do communicate well--ONCE I muster up the nerve and feel enough of a comfort level with myself and between the two of us to broach whatever subject it is. I tend to mull things over ( perhaps excessively) in my own mind-- trying to make sense of it if I can, before I bring it up. I try to make sure I am not just over-reacting or being paranoid or just plain insensitive. * I was diagnosed as bipolar about 2 years ago now.... am medicated-- but it makes me question myself-- and everything i think, feel or do. So I try to exercise extra caution in what comes out of my mouth, how and when..... sometimes, I may become over-analytical seeing things that aren't really there- or making more of it that there really is... So this scares me too. ALOT.  (and in regards to *penswriter's suggestion of seeing a sex therapist-- Our insurance does not cover that- and I already see a psychiatrist for my Bipolar disorder, and we just can't afford to add any more $250/hr visits in there...)

*** Rock Rose: I myself have questioned the base of his sexual preferences... But have never had any reason to believe he'd have any homosexual tendencies-- I have even asked him before-- we were in a real good conversation about our pasts... He denied any previous or current desire or actual experience with another male- tho I openly admitted to him my past experimentation with another female. I'd be more inclined to believe that is has/had to do with masturbation and perhaps that he's become so sensitized to reaching orgasm in that manner... I know there are certain things/methods that are sure fire ways for me too...

He does have back problems-- fractured a couple of lumbar vertebrae several years ago-- it does still plague him sometimes. Also-- He is overweight-- he is 6 ft tall and weighs 295 pounds... Perhaps his weight could be a prime contributor? I know, he wears out rather quickly, during intercourse - and other physical activities as well.

He just had a full physical-- lab work and all, everything was normal-- but he is low on Vitamin D ( was prescribed a very high dose supplement) and the doc told him he really needs to lose alot of weight!  (they did not however check his testosterone levels-- whether or not this would have any direct bearing on the issue).

***harlequin: i appreciate your sensitivity and intimacy approach...

I dunno... i guess, my issue is just that-- my issue, and how I can learn to deal with it.

Thanks to all... please keep offering me ideas-- I need them all ! LOL!!!

[RockRose]

psy,  this is unusual.

It's common for women to have to do other things than intercourse to have an orgasm,  but it's uncommon for healthy heterosexual men.  

Unless he's on a medication like an antidepressant that makes orgasm very difficult for him to achieve,    or in a case of a man who has hip or back problems,  for example,  I'd be very concerned about the longevity of this relationship.  

There is a reason,  and I don't know what it is,  that heterosexual intercourse isn't enough for him.  

[imanaddict]

I'm with mami and was wondering the same thing myself.. are you afraid to talk to your husband about this? I think your concerns are completely valid and normal and this is something that needs to be addressed if it is bothering you. Your husband is supposed to be the one you can talk to about absolutely anything so take him up on that. You may be surprised at his answer!

[mami1323]

I'm more concerned with why you are afraid to talk with your husband about this?  Communication is key in any relationship.  Why don't you ask him why he doesn't finish when you are being intimate?  It doesn't have to be brought up in anger, just how the above poster stated.  That you really want to have him enjoy full satisfaction and perhaps there is something you could do to get him there.  Just by telling him that you want to fully satisfy him, it may make him more aroused.  Being able to talk about sexual preferences and likes and dislikes is extremely important and you should be able to be comfortable discussing this with your husband.

[harlequin018]

Don't let insecurities fester. There are basic explanations, like fetishism, but I think its more than that. The only way to find out is to approach him. This is clearly a delicate subject for you, especially if you feel insecure, but sitting him down and asking him directly and without confronting him is the best way. Just saying the words "its silly but this bothers me..." will make a huge difference in your intimacy level.

[psyvamp]

thanks.... you (both) have valid points. Like I said-- most of the time-- I have no problem with it-- but just there are times when I Do feel uncomfortable with it, and I don't know how--  or even if I should even try to talk to him about it. Couple of points-- Yes; he is/was used to masturbating quite alot (before we met) - no problem, our sex life is almost always great....
I did have some BAD past experience with my XH and sex (porn addict- couldn't even get erection without watching it- much less perform/ejaculate no matter how much I tried- or what I tried to do to arouse/pleasure him) ... so yes, I'm a little scarred by that... and I am sure that contributes primarily to my insecurities with my (current) DH.
Sometimes-- I'm not satisfied with him having to use manual /oral stimulation-- sometimes I prefer to have him finish (ejaculate) during intercourse ; sometimes THAT satisfies me the most... ( I think I'm rambling, so in closing- any further replies appreciated. ) Psyvamp

[teko]

Maybe he is used to masterbating and knows what works for him and likes it that way? Does not mean the issue is with you at all. If it works for both of you, dont take it personal. As long as your both satisfied is all that matters. It is also normal sometimes when not in the mood to want to get it overwith, nothing abnormal there either. imo

[AnnieBrooke]

I guess that you could decide that if he is happy with the situation as it is, it is not your job to try to "improve" things for him (i.e., maybe he doesn't think it should be improved).  In that scenario, you would only take responsibility for being sure that you get your orgasm and being sure he gets his however it comes.  But it doesn't sound like you are happy with that.  If you can't go to a therapist, it might be your only option for a while.   I don't think there are books that deal with this subject.

Have you ever tried asking him calmly sometime about why he does it this way?  You might learn something about his past sexual experiences that explains things.
  

[psyvamp]

wonderful idea... but unaffordable- and no way we  could either take time off from work for appts... perhaps alternative measures I / we could take-- on a more personal/intimate level? A book I could read? something? even just thoughts and opinions of others...

"I have never mentioned this to him-- So-- here is my dilemma. how do I deal with MY emotions about this-- and if I can't-- how could I possibly go about talking to him about it ??? ( without making him feel bad). "

thank you.

[penswriter]

Try a sex therapist. S/he'll be able to give you better advice about different things to try and s/he can help get to the bottom of the problem. (Be it you or him.)