Why? What to do now?

[repowm]

I received a lot of good advice from everyone regarding my over spending than lying about it to my husband.  Well now I hope I can get the same.  Here’s the problem, since the whole money thing I have been completely honest with my husband about everything.  But I keep catching him in little lies.  Like today, I called him at 9:30 am to let him know I was at work, but he was on the other line.  When he did call me back I asked who he was talking to.  I did not ask this for any other reason except it took him some time to return my call and he usually clicks over to see if everything is alright and says I will call you right back.  Well I use to never give it much thought, until I found out about his extra marital affair he had from May 2010 -  July 14th 2010 when I caught him via cell phone records.  Now he use to tell me all the time he was on the other line with a guy friend or a family member, but that was a lie it was her.  And that would happen several times a day. So today when he did not click over I started to worry cause of everything we have been through in the past few months.  Well he told me that he was talking to Mr. F ( lets just say) about a door he was installing and that they had been on the phone 3 times already driving him crazy.  Well when I looked at the phone records I found that he was not on the phone with Mr. F, and he had only talked to him once.  Now he was on the phone with a friend of ours and this friend works with me. So I don’t know why he would lie about something so stupid.  So if he is lying about the little stuff, is he lying about wanting to work things out?  Now he is not working so I am the only person bringing in any thing right now, which is ok he has done the same when I was out of work, but it make me feel like he only wants me around for paying the bills and getting his tax paperwork finished for the past several years and when it’s done we will be done.  Maybe I am reading too much into it, but this is not the first lie I have caught him in, and I have not said anything.  So what should I do? I don’t want to fight anymore, but I don’t want him to think I am that stupid and can be walked all over.  Since I was not honest with him about the spending and money, should I just overlook these things? We did say we both wanted this to work and we would both tell the truth no matter what.

[repowm]

You are right, we are having trust issues.  I was not checking up on him for anyother reason except I knew he lied and was hopeing I was wrong.  Yes I have asked about Marriage counseling, but he said he was not a big fan.  I went to my pastor when everything first went out of control, but he has been out of town since than, and I am waiting for him to come back to talk more.  Resentment, Yes I know I do.  I work all day and come home to have to make dinner and wash dishes and he has been home all day out in his garage.  When I say something with out bitchen, he just says he could not get motivated.  As far as talking about puchases prior, well I do now.  But like today he got a job installing some doors, and this is something he could have done by himself so we could make more money, but no one of our old employees is back in town so he is using him and did not even bother to tell me.  He knew I would be upset so he just did not say anything until I asked.  I only asked because I heard him talking in the backround when we were on the phone today.  I want my marriage to work, I want a happy life again, my husband says he wants it also, but his actions show something completly different.  Anyway thank you so much for your post, it has helped.

[Jaybay]

Sounds to me like neither one of you is ready to trust the other one, and that's a recipe for disaster.  If you trusted him, you wouldn't be checking up on him all the time.  It's also entirely possible he's tired of being treated like a child and having you constantly call him.  That is very controlling behavior and nobody likes being controlled.  On the other hand, you certainly don't want to feel like a tool either.

I can't remember if you both did any marriage counseling, but it's time for a few sessions.  Get these things off your chest in a "safe" environment with a moderator so it doesn't spin out of control into an ineffective argument where nothing gets resolved and possibly make things worse.  From what little I know of your situation, it sounds as if you both are harboring a whole lot of resentment against one another.  Neither one of you is ready to trust the other, and that's going to take some time and effort to establish.  

Since spending is the latest problem, have you ever looked into Dave Ramsay's Financial Peace course?  It's offered through many churches and is well worth the time.  And no, it's not a religious conversion course.  What it does is get both spouses to work TOGETHER toward life and financial goals.  Having taken the course myself, I can say that in many ways this course is more about marriage than finance.  My husband and I took it a couple years ago and we are now debt free including the mortgage - and thank God for that because we are both unemployed.  We made sacrifices that seemed impossible previously.  There is not one item purchased that we don't discuss and consult the budget together first.  That exercise alone fosters some great communication and trust.  Can't hurt; might help.  :-)