Best friend relationship in the balance.

[Amie635]

This situation is a little hard for me to describe in words, but I will try my best.

Me and my best friend have been friends for 4 years. We have a special bond because what brought us close was how similar our lives were. We are both from the same back round with drunk parents. We are very similar and even learned that we self harmed a lot as a coping stratagy when we were younger. (We don't do that anymore) but after we figured all this out we began looking after each other, as no one else was in our positions and we could really understand how it felt. We've spent our whole friendship being a rock for one another, and both of us have a lot to thank the other for.

Well my best friend has another 'best friend'. This other girl has been friends with her since they were young. The thing is over the years this girl has changed and for a good couple of years now has treated my best friend really badly, speaking horribly to her, putting her down, treating her like she doesn't matter. As I've grown to be really protective of my friend, because of the hardship we've both felt, I hated this. Lately the treatment has got worse and more often. My best friend even said she avoids this girl and doesn't really like her anymore. She says however she can't stop being friends with her, because she's not ready and she's clinging onto the hope her friend will turn back into the old friend she was.

I always listen to my best friend vent about the latest thing this girl has done to her, I've been her shoulder to cry on through it all, and it really upsets me because in my eyes, my best friend is a really amazing person. I've never put anyone before her, and as soon as anyone says a bad word about her, I do not want to know them.

Anyway. I saw a text from this girl to my best friend. It said a lot of mean things about me. My best friend replied agreeing with all the nasty things this girl was saying, which shocked me because I always thought my best friend had my back. If it were any of my other friends, it wouldn't be a big deal. But me and her have such a strong bond because of all the **** we go through. Just this weekend I had to stay with her because my parents were so drunk and the police got called.

I told my best friend I'd seen it, and she felt realy bad. She said she didn't really agree with the bad things the girl said about me, she was just in a funny mood and she wanted to avoid any drama, so she thought she'd just go along with it. We talked for hours and it ended with me asking if she had to choose between me or this other girl who would she choose (not that I'd make her, I just wanted to know the answer) and she said she couldn't choose.

I'm just sad she didn't stick up for me, especially to someone who is so horrible to her. There have been situations in the past, where my friend has not stuck up for me, and she's felt bad. I've never held it against her though, because I know she just wants everyone to like her. This time though, its deeper.

I don't want to loose her, because we've both been through so much and I don't think either of us could cope without each other. But at the same time, I feel slightly betrayed. I don't know how things can be normal again, or if they will. I don't really know what to do about it, because we've talked it through and nothing was resolved. How can I go back to normal without feeling angry when she meets with this girl? How can I trust her again without feeling paranoid about if someones bitching about me and my friends joining in?

[Amie635]

Thank you all for your comments, they were all varied and once I knotted them all together I really started to see the situation from an outsiders view.

It is her life and I got way too emotionally involved, as if it was me who was having someone speak badly to me so I apologised to my friend for interfering and coming across like I was pressuring her and she said she appreciated that and she said sorry for not sticking up for me in that moment.

We've both decided to not count on each other so much and I hope our friendship doesn't suffer. Again, thanks all of you!

[AnnieBrooke]

Is Al-Anon available where you live?

Kids who grow up under the so-called "care" of adult alcoholics develop all kinds of quirks when it comes to accepting things in relationships.  Best thing you both can do is understand that it's a pathology of its own and leaves traces.  She doesn't have a lot of spine in relationships because she is in need.  You don't want to be without her friendship because it fills a big need for you.  Both of those things heighten issues in the friendship that other 19-year-old friends might just blow off.

As specialmom suggests, take the high road, try hard not to be hurt.  It's not her, it's her parents' disease, that caused this, and it's your parents' disease that causes you to need her so much that it hurts like this.  There are some good books on the subject of "adult children of alcoholics," the two of you might check them out and talk about how much of those patterns have come through in your own lives.  Even now you are both in worlds of hurt, and it's so unfair because it wasn't your faults.  So do cut some slack for her (and for you) to not behave perfectly as you walk the long path to sort it out.

[specialmom]

hm.  Well, I think that we can have long time friends that we have a history with that no one else can understand.  As you've seen her go through a lot, so has her friend.  And clearly, this is an important person to her (as you are.).  

What struck me, to be honest, is that you have a bit of dependence on this friendship.  I understand being hurt but it almost sounded like she was your lover vs. your bff.  I'm  just being honest and hope that doesn't make you mad.  When we've had abuse in our lives (and I see living with alcoholics as abuse)------ we can develop some negative patterns of relationship building that could be in the area of a man in our life as well as our friends.  I wonder about some over dependence of your friend.  

With that said, I am sure that text exchange hurt.  I'd try your best not to look at her phone anymore and chalk it up to her having a hard time picking sides or being weak at times.  I'd like to tell you that many women that love their friends dearly will not stick up for them when push comes to shove.  I've seen it many times.  And your friend also has a history of abuse(alcoholism) in her life and some suffering that has occured, she may not always be as strong as you'd like her to be.  Take her apology to heart and move on.

As for the friend, I would let that be.  She is friends with her and trying to run any interference in that will backfire.  Besides, if you love your friend . . . don't do to her what this other girl is doing which is putting her in an awkward situation.  Take the high road.  If you can, try to get to know the friend a bit.  She may be intimidated by you and possessive of her friend and thus, trying to "hang on to her" while gaining distance from you.  Does that make sense?  Sometimes people do this when the are lacking in esteem or feeling vulnerable.  

I'm glad you've found a friend that "gets" you and that you two can support one another.  I don't think it is essential for you to understand why this person is important to your friend but for you to just  know that she is.  Just be the great friend to her that you have been and support her as she figures out the things in HER life.  good luck!!

[Ashelen]

It seems to me like your friend is in an abusive friendship, so she's simply being submissive and agreeing to avoid drama, just like she said she was. I would try to help your friend understand that she IS in an abusive friendship, and try to understand that what she said to that girl probably was her genuine attempt to avoid the mean things being turned against herself.

She sounds quite afraid of this girl..I wouldn't try to talk bad about the other girl because then your friend might feel like you're trying to edge her out of the picture for selfish motives, but try to help her realize that she deserves better than to be insulted and for someone she cares about (you) to be insulted constantly. Don't take what was said personally...you've always trusted your friend up until now, and people who are in abusive relationships (even friendships) will often say whatever it takes to avoid being abused themselves verbally...so just put that in the past if you truly believe in your friend and help her free herself of this verbal abuse OR help her realize that HER friend needs help.

Good luck, sorry about the situation.

[Psamathos]

As I read your post I felt more and more shocked. But that doesn't really matter I guess..
It sounds like your friend has been influenced a lot by this girl. Sometimes people can do weird things because they want others to like them. I think your friend doesn't realize what is really happening, that this girl is not the same as before.

I think there are two possible courses of action.
- Firstly, you could try to just keep up. Make sure you don't lose your friend. Keep doing cool things with her, not because you're afraid to lose her, but because she is your best friend. Don't blackmail the other girl, but make sure your friend doesn't believe **** about the stuff this girl says about you. It looks like if things keep going this way, your friend will have to choose. Make sure she chooses you.

- Secondly, find out about this girl. Who are her friends, what kind of people are they, how do they feel. It can give you some insight into why she is doing this to your friend, why she has changed so intensely. Maybe you can help your friend to help her friend. I mean, if one of my friends would change like that I wouldn't just drop them, I would find out why they changed. Then I would either drop them (if they just are dorks) or try to help them (if they're dorks because for instance their parents fight constantly).

Personally, I think this post doesn't help you at all, because you are probably doing the above already, so I'm sorry about that. I just couldn't think of anything but the obvious..

Good luck