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Mitigating Risks of STI’s/STD’s
Hi to all the experts here, and a special thanks to Aunt Jessie who I really appreciate the kind nonjudgemental way that she handles people’s questions. You are all great though. I’ve been following your posts and advice for quite some time and I have learned so much about STI‘s. It has really helped me understand what is and isn’t a risk and I avoid any other sources of information related to the topic as they tend to overexaggerate the actual risks and have a lot of misinformation in general. It is helping me with my own anxieties and understanding of how to be safe, yet still enjoy sexuality. I’ve never actually seen this particular question posted in this manner but I thought I would ask. Let’s say that I, as a male who has a primary relationship with a female, yet has a loving and understanding pass for some safe experimentation with other males on the side. The understanding is that the activities would be as safe as possible, understanding there is always some risk involved however to be kept as absolutely minimal as possible.
This might involve hand jobs and frotting (penis rubbing penis), which from what I have read in all of your posts is an extremely safe activity with extremely limited STD risks at all, with perhaps a slight risk of skin to skin disease if frotting. I know oral with a rubber is almost completely safe as well, with perhaps a very slight risk of hpv, hsv1 (if you don’t already have it), or perhaps Syphilis (extremely rare in Canada), to the areas of the penis not covered with the rubber. Of course prior to engaging in any activity at all a visual inspection of the partner and noting if there are any sores, etc, is an obvious first step. And then avoiding any contact if there are.
I have found that suggesting the use of a rubber with oral usually gets a very reluctant response from the proposed partner. I have basically kept any of my experimentation limited to what I have just suggested. However, are there actual ways to mitigate the risk of oral without a rubber? - either giving or receiving? Perhaps if the activity is limited to just licking the head or shaft, the balls or surrounding area? What if one avoids taking the penis fully into the mouth and throat. And avoids having their penis inserted all the way into the male partners throat? I understand the throat is where the risk of gonorrhoea exists, which I have read on your posts does seem to be a measurable risk with M to M oral. Is it possible just to avoid the penis in the throat for either party? Would this drastically lessen the risks of gonorrhoea? Also, is there any benefit to urinating immediately after receiving oral sex to clear out the urethra? What about cleaning the genitals as quickly after all this possible? I understand they will always be risks in anything. And of course introducing oral without a rubber would elevate risks somewhat. But I’m just wondering is there a sliding scale of risk related to how far you take things? Many thanks for obliging me with these questions. I’d like to make it some calculated risk assessments and then make a decision on what I will do or not do. You really provide an amazing service to people and it is very much appreciated.
This might involve hand jobs and frotting (penis rubbing penis), which from what I have read in all of your posts is an extremely safe activity with extremely limited STD risks at all, with perhaps a slight risk of skin to skin disease if frotting. I know oral with a rubber is almost completely safe as well, with perhaps a very slight risk of hpv, hsv1 (if you don’t already have it), or perhaps Syphilis (extremely rare in Canada), to the areas of the penis not covered with the rubber. Of course prior to engaging in any activity at all a visual inspection of the partner and noting if there are any sores, etc, is an obvious first step. And then avoiding any contact if there are.
I have found that suggesting the use of a rubber with oral usually gets a very reluctant response from the proposed partner. I have basically kept any of my experimentation limited to what I have just suggested. However, are there actual ways to mitigate the risk of oral without a rubber? - either giving or receiving? Perhaps if the activity is limited to just licking the head or shaft, the balls or surrounding area? What if one avoids taking the penis fully into the mouth and throat. And avoids having their penis inserted all the way into the male partners throat? I understand the throat is where the risk of gonorrhoea exists, which I have read on your posts does seem to be a measurable risk with M to M oral. Is it possible just to avoid the penis in the throat for either party? Would this drastically lessen the risks of gonorrhoea? Also, is there any benefit to urinating immediately after receiving oral sex to clear out the urethra? What about cleaning the genitals as quickly after all this possible? I understand they will always be risks in anything. And of course introducing oral without a rubber would elevate risks somewhat. But I’m just wondering is there a sliding scale of risk related to how far you take things? Many thanks for obliging me with these questions. I’d like to make it some calculated risk assessments and then make a decision on what I will do or not do. You really provide an amazing service to people and it is very much appreciated.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thank you for your very kind words, but if you've read so many of my posts, what I'm going to say is going to be repetitive, I'm sure.
First, I don't know how you are meeting the men you are exploring with, but there is always the option to test first. If you are performing oral on each other, than make sure they have oral swabs done.
If that's not feasible, then yes, condoms are your next safest idea, though I do understand that most people do not find those very appealing for oral sex. However, if someone wants to give or receive a blow job badly enough, they'll somehow manage, right? They do make flavored condoms, though again, those are somewhat lacking.
Oral sex is generally much less risk than vaginal or anal sex, and most experts don't think that one act of oral sex even warrants testing.
That's easy for us to say since we aren't the ones with the partner at home, but since you mentioned the partner, have you come to an agreement about what this entails? Most ethical non-monogamy includes boundaries. Is your partner comfortable with no condoms for oral?
Washing after sex does little to nothing. It's a nice gesture for your partner, of course, but as far as disease prevention, it's not worth much. It probably won't hurt if it's just a gentle soap and water, but don't use anything stronger. (We get lots of posts from people who've used industrial strength cleansers on their genitals - please don't do that.)
You can avoid the throat to maybe reduce the risk, but if you're going to do this, please note that your partner may take offense.
This is supposed to be a pleasant encounter for both you and your partner, and if you can't relax and enjoy it, don't do it. If you go into it thinking that your partner is laden with diseases, that's not good.
There is also a risk for gonorrhea and chlamydia, along with the risk for ghsv1 (if you don't have it already), syphilis and hpv.
Depending on your age, you might qualify for the HPV vaccine. I believe in Canada you can get it if you are under 27, and in some provinces, you can pay for it if you are older, or might get it for free if you are older and at risk (you probably wouldn't qualify as "at risk" based on these activities, but ask).
As you said, syphilis is rare in Canada. I answered someone the other day in Canada, and in 2022, .03% of people in Canada had syphilis. I wouldn't even worry about that.
So all in all, oral sex is low risk, but communicate with your partners.
First, I don't know how you are meeting the men you are exploring with, but there is always the option to test first. If you are performing oral on each other, than make sure they have oral swabs done.
If that's not feasible, then yes, condoms are your next safest idea, though I do understand that most people do not find those very appealing for oral sex. However, if someone wants to give or receive a blow job badly enough, they'll somehow manage, right? They do make flavored condoms, though again, those are somewhat lacking.
Oral sex is generally much less risk than vaginal or anal sex, and most experts don't think that one act of oral sex even warrants testing.
That's easy for us to say since we aren't the ones with the partner at home, but since you mentioned the partner, have you come to an agreement about what this entails? Most ethical non-monogamy includes boundaries. Is your partner comfortable with no condoms for oral?
Washing after sex does little to nothing. It's a nice gesture for your partner, of course, but as far as disease prevention, it's not worth much. It probably won't hurt if it's just a gentle soap and water, but don't use anything stronger. (We get lots of posts from people who've used industrial strength cleansers on their genitals - please don't do that.)
You can avoid the throat to maybe reduce the risk, but if you're going to do this, please note that your partner may take offense.
This is supposed to be a pleasant encounter for both you and your partner, and if you can't relax and enjoy it, don't do it. If you go into it thinking that your partner is laden with diseases, that's not good.
There is also a risk for gonorrhea and chlamydia, along with the risk for ghsv1 (if you don't have it already), syphilis and hpv.
Depending on your age, you might qualify for the HPV vaccine. I believe in Canada you can get it if you are under 27, and in some provinces, you can pay for it if you are older, or might get it for free if you are older and at risk (you probably wouldn't qualify as "at risk" based on these activities, but ask).
As you said, syphilis is rare in Canada. I answered someone the other day in Canada, and in 2022, .03% of people in Canada had syphilis. I wouldn't even worry about that.
So all in all, oral sex is low risk, but communicate with your partners.
4 Comments
Thank you so much Aunt Jessie for the quick response and on a holiday weekend. I hope you take some time for yourself and your family. Just to answer further, I am extremely discerning in my choices for male partners and it involves a lot of questions. And it is not something I do with any great frequency. I tend to get to know who I involve myself with, and only with other responsible and safe individuals.
And I would definitely limit activity to those who get frequently tested and have a desire to be safe as well. And if and when I reach the point where I have any sort of elevated risk (bare oral), I will definitely test once in a while as well. I’m just extremely cautious as I want to keep my wife safe. We have not really outlined extremely specific boundaries inactivities, and it’s kind of a don’t ask don’t tell situation. She is aware that I experiment (ie mutual masturbation) and I really do believe she’d rather not hear too much more about it. We have a very active sex life as well, and we both enjoy it and have been married for over 20 years. We are both very happy with each other I don’t plan to change any of this. This male element to my sex life was only added a couple years ago. Prior to that I was 100% monogamous. And I would never consider another female or any emotional entanglements. It’s only MM friendly respectful encounters with a limited number of partners. I may continue to just insist on rubbers for oral so that I don’t have any anxiety afterwards.
I had one additional question if you don’t mind. I have heard that some men will use mouthwash after engaging in oral sex. Is there really any benefit to that?
Thank you very much for taking the time to answer my questions.
And I would definitely limit activity to those who get frequently tested and have a desire to be safe as well. And if and when I reach the point where I have any sort of elevated risk (bare oral), I will definitely test once in a while as well. I’m just extremely cautious as I want to keep my wife safe. We have not really outlined extremely specific boundaries inactivities, and it’s kind of a don’t ask don’t tell situation. She is aware that I experiment (ie mutual masturbation) and I really do believe she’d rather not hear too much more about it. We have a very active sex life as well, and we both enjoy it and have been married for over 20 years. We are both very happy with each other I don’t plan to change any of this. This male element to my sex life was only added a couple years ago. Prior to that I was 100% monogamous. And I would never consider another female or any emotional entanglements. It’s only MM friendly respectful encounters with a limited number of partners. I may continue to just insist on rubbers for oral so that I don’t have any anxiety afterwards.
I had one additional question if you don’t mind. I have heard that some men will use mouthwash after engaging in oral sex. Is there really any benefit to that?
Thank you very much for taking the time to answer my questions.
If you are getting to the point where you are going to engage in unprotected oral and you are going to test once in awhile, make sure your partners are. If your partners are testing frequently as you say, and they are showing you those results, then this shouldn't be this concerning.
Also, if someone shows you results, you should be prepared to show yours.
You didn't ask, but I have to say - don't assume your wife doesn't want to know, or what level of detail she wants to know. You mention it's only MM - does she know it might go further? She might not want to know that you met Sam and Bob and Darrell and exactly what you did, but she might want to know if things have progressed beyond exchanging handjobs. The key to making any relationship work is communication, and adding a non-monogamy factor only increases that exponentially. Don't assume you know what she's feeling or what she wants.
The level of detail you are going into here suggests that you have a level of anxiety that isn't conducive to worry-free non-monogamy outside of MM. If everyone is testing frequently - and if your partners are testing frequently, you should offer the same - the risk from oral is incredibly low.
I haven't heard of men - or women - using mouthwash after oral for disease prevention. It won't do anything except freshen your breath. Truly, once transmission has happened, it's happened. Nothing you do after changes that.
Also, if someone shows you results, you should be prepared to show yours.
You didn't ask, but I have to say - don't assume your wife doesn't want to know, or what level of detail she wants to know. You mention it's only MM - does she know it might go further? She might not want to know that you met Sam and Bob and Darrell and exactly what you did, but she might want to know if things have progressed beyond exchanging handjobs. The key to making any relationship work is communication, and adding a non-monogamy factor only increases that exponentially. Don't assume you know what she's feeling or what she wants.
The level of detail you are going into here suggests that you have a level of anxiety that isn't conducive to worry-free non-monogamy outside of MM. If everyone is testing frequently - and if your partners are testing frequently, you should offer the same - the risk from oral is incredibly low.
I haven't heard of men - or women - using mouthwash after oral for disease prevention. It won't do anything except freshen your breath. Truly, once transmission has happened, it's happened. Nothing you do after changes that.
Very thorough and thoughtful. Thanks again.
You're welcome. :)
I also meant to add that I am circumcised and I was wondering if there’s any studies that show a circumcised penis is somehow safer than uncircumcised? Also, does the duration of the activity - specifically with oral - increase or decrease the risk? For example, if oral only last for 3 or 4 minutes and is limited licking or sucking the head, is that safer than 30 minutes and full on throat contact? I apologize for the graphicness of my questions as I just want to be specific . Thanks again for allowing these questions. I’ve never seen an inquiry phrased quite this way and I’m extremely curious of what the answers might be. Amazing service you provide. Peace.
2 Comments
Being circumcised does decrease the risk minimally.
The longer the exposure, the greater the chance of transmission. If I have chlamydia, and you and I have unprotected vaginal sex for 1 min, there is far less of a chance of transmission than if we had it for 30 min.
Licking won't transmit anything.
Sucking the head might, but it depends on how long, how far down in the throat you go.
Really though, I just need to reiterate that this is supposed to be fun. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable. If you're worried about timing and how far into the mouth you are, and all the other stuff, that's not fun.
You'd be better off insisting on condom use than worrying later. If someone wants to be with you, they'll respect your boundary on this.
The longer the exposure, the greater the chance of transmission. If I have chlamydia, and you and I have unprotected vaginal sex for 1 min, there is far less of a chance of transmission than if we had it for 30 min.
Licking won't transmit anything.
Sucking the head might, but it depends on how long, how far down in the throat you go.
Really though, I just need to reiterate that this is supposed to be fun. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable. If you're worried about timing and how far into the mouth you are, and all the other stuff, that's not fun.
You'd be better off insisting on condom use than worrying later. If someone wants to be with you, they'll respect your boundary on this.
Thanks so much Aunt Jessie for your help. You are wonderful.
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You are reading content posted in the STDs / STIs Community
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
