Lack of desire

[jgrdlr]

I love my husband of 15 years, but I never seem to be in the mood for sex.  Lately when we have sex it's because I feel an obligation.  I have to psyche myself up and just want to get it "over with".  Once we start, it's great.  It's not like I don't enjoy it.  It's like working out.  I hate to do it, but once I start it's not so bad and I do feel better afterwards.  But, it's just sex to me.  It's not what makes me feel "close" with my husband.  It's like I'd be perfectly happy if we were "just" best friends.  I never want to lose him and I'm not looking for sex anywhere else.  I feel guilty because he deserves to be loved, but when he makes certain comments on the issue, I get mad.  I just want to ignore the whole thing.  I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or if I'm normal.  Work occupies my mind alot.  I'm a supervisor with alot of responsibilities, but is that just an excuse?  He's the bestest thing that ever happened to me and I know I would be devastated if he left me because I made him feel undesirable.  I know that feeling with my ex-husband and it's doesn't feel good.  

[jgrdlr]

Thank you so much for your response.  I know deep down everything you say is true and coming from an emphatic stranger really hits my core to the point of 'thankful' tears and encourages me to try and change.  If it came from a close friend, I probably would've just said, 'yea, yea, yea!' and ignored it thinking they don't understand, but because you don't "know" me, I believe that you really do.  Sounds twisted, but for some reason, that's how I feel.  So, I'm grateful for posting my question and especially for you sharing your thoughts. ;-)

[SixStringer]

Don't feel alone; this seems to be a common problem.  It often comes down to priorities.  Many women are concentrating on their careers and/or children, but often overlook their husbands, even though they express great affection for their mates.  A balance has to be found.  Time has to be allotted for sexual relations, as actions often speak louder than words.  Sex may not happen if one waits for the right mood.  I cannot speak for your husband, but one of the worst things that can happen in marriage is if it becomes two friends living together.  He may not be helping the situation with his "certain comments on the issue", as you put it.  Sometimes, it feels awkward for a man to talk about sex with his wife, so biting humor comes out.  He wants intimacy, but doesn't know how to get it even after 15 years of marriage, because of stepping on your toes, or putting you into one of your "moods".  He cares for you and doesn't want to upset you, yet he wants to get naked with you and jump in the sack.  It's like two ships passing in the foggy night--so close yet heading in opposite directions, not knowing how close each is to the other.  The lack of sex often builds up in a marriage to where it becomes the elephant in the room.  Once sexual relations are continued, it often seems that everyday living becomes better.  It's like those people who never take a vacation--their productivity actually goes down.  They think the more work they do, the longer they are on the clock, the better.  However, it has been found that once a vacation is taken, people come back more refreshed and able to work better than before.