Aa
A tiny little puff *whispering*
Went and bought a pack of smokes last night out of sheer frustration, took a hit, put it out, then crushed them all up and threw them away this morning. I know that was very bad, but I'm not going to kick myself and say "oh well" for just a drag. I am still 2months smoke free and really, if you want to get technical, it's 7mos smoke free with a 2wk relapse. I can see I am not one of those people who never takes another puff, but I'm also not going to let that one puff ruin everything!
I just wrote this in my journal. Clearly, I am not going to be able to quit smoking without taking a puff. Clearly. So, is this awful? Should I set back my tracker again? I really don't think I need to...I don't intend on doing it again, but I will abide with what you all think :(
Thanks!
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2m 1d 20:33 smoke-free, 627 cigs not smoked, $172.43 saved, 2d 4:15 life saved
I just wrote this in my journal. Clearly, I am not going to be able to quit smoking without taking a puff. Clearly. So, is this awful? Should I set back my tracker again? I really don't think I need to...I don't intend on doing it again, but I will abide with what you all think :(
Thanks!
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2m 1d 20:33 smoke-free, 627 cigs not smoked, $172.43 saved, 2d 4:15 life saved
well congratulations to you, that you stand to face the challenge of quit smoking. And I think you should avoid puffing to other people, because, it may ruined your sacrifices, a puff can bring back all your nerves to become a smoker once again.
You're right, Teko, pot is harmful. I am hearing my husband clear his throat constantly which worries me. Not only harmful to the lungs, but to the mind. I naturally won't speak for all, but in my experience and the observation of my husbands behavior, pot shuts off ones emotions. That is the only reason I smoke occasionally because otherwise, it amps my anxiety up and makes me tense beyond belief and I mean practically to the point of a seizure and I always, Always have to take a small amt of xanax to calm down. The only benefit for me is I no longer care about anything because my emotions are gone for those hours I'm high and I could just care less about anything ie: DH's pot smoking which is ironic, I know lol.
My husband doesn't Ever seem to feel bad enough to change. I ignore him completely (while seething inside) and I mean I ignore him Completely!...but it doesn't even faze him so that's why I said I need to stop fighting because I am only fighting with myself, see? I can be happy or sad, but husband acts like there is no difference...like he doesn't even notice and that's because this is what pot DOES! Destroys emotions. My husband is "on the fence" in that area in the first place; then he goes and adds pot to his system and he shuts down utterly and completely. Let me say though, he is wonderful and thoughtful and completely different when he's sober, but it takes a while to see this difference because pot stays in ones system for quite a while so even if he were to cut down to a few times a week, I would still see this "shut down" state of mind with him and that is why I want it OUT OF OUR LIVES! Okay blah blah blah lol...sorry to go on and on...
Teko, I am an all or nothing person too, when it comes to the smokes. It has now been 2yrs since I was able to smoke without guilt. Sometimes I daydream about just smoking and relaxing without a guilty thought in sight, but I try to cut that daydream off because it's like torture and will never happen again. I am 2mos and 4days today and I'm with you, it seems to get harder, but like we already know...those smokes were our emotional crutch and it's going to take likely up to a year before we stop thinking about them in an angry or stressful time and that's okay, I can wait. I Want to be smoke free very much and that is the secret to quitting.
And I agree 100%, the reality of quitting should be talked about more here. I've done this a few times now and can see the first week one stops smoking, you feel elated. The second week you start dealing with depression and anxiety, the third week your resolve is weakening a little and by the fourth week, unless you're educated and mindful of the cycle, you are smoking again. Am I right? Then each month after the first it gets harder or more accurately, the cravings get stronger because now we've been dealing with our raw emotions for several months and That's what's getting more difficult and the reason why we go back to smoking. It's just so hard to deal with these emotions All The Time with no reprieve, BUT, eventually, if we hang in there, it WILL get better and that's the thought I am hanging onto today :)
Wow, guess I had alot to say this morning lol...
My husband doesn't Ever seem to feel bad enough to change. I ignore him completely (while seething inside) and I mean I ignore him Completely!...but it doesn't even faze him so that's why I said I need to stop fighting because I am only fighting with myself, see? I can be happy or sad, but husband acts like there is no difference...like he doesn't even notice and that's because this is what pot DOES! Destroys emotions. My husband is "on the fence" in that area in the first place; then he goes and adds pot to his system and he shuts down utterly and completely. Let me say though, he is wonderful and thoughtful and completely different when he's sober, but it takes a while to see this difference because pot stays in ones system for quite a while so even if he were to cut down to a few times a week, I would still see this "shut down" state of mind with him and that is why I want it OUT OF OUR LIVES! Okay blah blah blah lol...sorry to go on and on...
Teko, I am an all or nothing person too, when it comes to the smokes. It has now been 2yrs since I was able to smoke without guilt. Sometimes I daydream about just smoking and relaxing without a guilty thought in sight, but I try to cut that daydream off because it's like torture and will never happen again. I am 2mos and 4days today and I'm with you, it seems to get harder, but like we already know...those smokes were our emotional crutch and it's going to take likely up to a year before we stop thinking about them in an angry or stressful time and that's okay, I can wait. I Want to be smoke free very much and that is the secret to quitting.
And I agree 100%, the reality of quitting should be talked about more here. I've done this a few times now and can see the first week one stops smoking, you feel elated. The second week you start dealing with depression and anxiety, the third week your resolve is weakening a little and by the fourth week, unless you're educated and mindful of the cycle, you are smoking again. Am I right? Then each month after the first it gets harder or more accurately, the cravings get stronger because now we've been dealing with our raw emotions for several months and That's what's getting more difficult and the reason why we go back to smoking. It's just so hard to deal with these emotions All The Time with no reprieve, BUT, eventually, if we hang in there, it WILL get better and that's the thought I am hanging onto today :)
Wow, guess I had alot to say this morning lol...
Im not sure you should not put up a fight jade, just dont hurt you because it might make him feel bad enuff to change. As smokers, we know that one does not work anyway. Pot is harmful also, maybe even more so because we inhale it and hold it deeply in our lungs in order to get that hi. Be kind to yourself too, and as long as you are fighting, even tho somedays you may fail, other days you win, but as long as you are fighting and making progress, you are succeeding. If I could smoke 2 cigs a day like my husband does, I would do it. Unfortunately I am one of those who cannot contain only 2, therefore I am an all or nothing person. And after 2 months and 17 days, it seems the fight is harder today than the first week I quit. These are things we need to help prepare others for in our walk, because no one ever talks about the ongoing of it all. For some of us anyways. But, with Gods help, we can do this today, let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.
Thank you for the reminder to not take this anger out on myself. I am trying very hard. A loving and kind woman...hmm... that's sweet of you to say. The thing is though, I Do Not put up with it without a fight which I need to learn to stop doing lol...
A puff does not make a failure. Please do not turn the anger in ward on yourself. Please just keep telling yourself "am not going to take this out on myself" am not going to hurt myself and ruin everything i worked for"! You must be a very lovin and kind women,to put up with the whole pot thing! God bless you
Thank you both for your comments. I appreciate you listening.
Yes, there was premeditation to it because I had to get dressed to go...plenty of time to come to my senses, but I knew what I was doing. I also knew it wouldn't go beyond a puff since I really truly appreciate how much better I feel not smoking. I can also see I let the anger control me and propel me along which is something I need to work on. I feel like I *work* on this everyday. I even went for a second walk last night, but nothing seems to be helping..the anger is just there. I feel all *mean* much of the time he's home. I only feel calm and sensible when I don't feel his presense.
I wish I could get to the point of not caring, Kathy Jo, but the instant I see him lookin' like that, my body tenses up and I'm a gonner to unbelievable anger and then I feel like that all day/night long. I already feel so shaky with anxiety, then dealing with him in that condition really pushes me over the edge. The worse I feel, the louder that little voice gets that's trying to tell me a cigarette is what will make it all go away. Dumb, I know and usually I can push that thought out of my mind, but I purposely went with it the other night, I don't know why.
I guess I am yearning and grieving...(yes, grieving is a good word and now I'm going to cry) for that year he was sober and so great and we were so happy. It's been almost a year and a half since that time and I can't seem to get it through my head those days are over. The thing is, I dont want to Not Care, I don't WANT that kind of marriage when there is proof it can be wonderful. I'm just so sad about this issue and I don't seem to be able to get over it and it's turning into an obsession, I can see that. I do wish I had children to take my focus away from my husband. I need to love and care about someone which sure hasn't been him for some time as I can barely stand the sight of him these days. I hate living this way.
I am *considering* medication to deal with this anger and inability to accept the reality in front of me. This is situational depression, so I'm not sure how effective an AD would be. I'm thinking on it. I can also see this is much more about a failing relationship, than smoking.
Sorry they've graduated to your dreams, Teko. I know from other posts though, that's normal. Oddly, I've never had a smoking dream, at least, not yet. You're doing great though, Teko and I'm "hanging tuff" with you. And I agree, the hold is unbelievable and has so much more to do with emotions than anything else. There have been a poster or two who have declared themselves "cured" after a week...oh my, that does give me a chuckle when I read something like that and can only think "just wait."
Okay then, tracker stays the same. I know the tracker is just for me and my conscience, but it helped to hear from you both, my thinking isn't off the mark.
Thanks again for listening to a long lengthy rant of a topic you've heard many times before! :(
Yes, there was premeditation to it because I had to get dressed to go...plenty of time to come to my senses, but I knew what I was doing. I also knew it wouldn't go beyond a puff since I really truly appreciate how much better I feel not smoking. I can also see I let the anger control me and propel me along which is something I need to work on. I feel like I *work* on this everyday. I even went for a second walk last night, but nothing seems to be helping..the anger is just there. I feel all *mean* much of the time he's home. I only feel calm and sensible when I don't feel his presense.
I wish I could get to the point of not caring, Kathy Jo, but the instant I see him lookin' like that, my body tenses up and I'm a gonner to unbelievable anger and then I feel like that all day/night long. I already feel so shaky with anxiety, then dealing with him in that condition really pushes me over the edge. The worse I feel, the louder that little voice gets that's trying to tell me a cigarette is what will make it all go away. Dumb, I know and usually I can push that thought out of my mind, but I purposely went with it the other night, I don't know why.
I guess I am yearning and grieving...(yes, grieving is a good word and now I'm going to cry) for that year he was sober and so great and we were so happy. It's been almost a year and a half since that time and I can't seem to get it through my head those days are over. The thing is, I dont want to Not Care, I don't WANT that kind of marriage when there is proof it can be wonderful. I'm just so sad about this issue and I don't seem to be able to get over it and it's turning into an obsession, I can see that. I do wish I had children to take my focus away from my husband. I need to love and care about someone which sure hasn't been him for some time as I can barely stand the sight of him these days. I hate living this way.
I am *considering* medication to deal with this anger and inability to accept the reality in front of me. This is situational depression, so I'm not sure how effective an AD would be. I'm thinking on it. I can also see this is much more about a failing relationship, than smoking.
Sorry they've graduated to your dreams, Teko. I know from other posts though, that's normal. Oddly, I've never had a smoking dream, at least, not yet. You're doing great though, Teko and I'm "hanging tuff" with you. And I agree, the hold is unbelievable and has so much more to do with emotions than anything else. There have been a poster or two who have declared themselves "cured" after a week...oh my, that does give me a chuckle when I read something like that and can only think "just wait."
Okay then, tracker stays the same. I know the tracker is just for me and my conscience, but it helped to hear from you both, my thinking isn't off the mark.
Thanks again for listening to a long lengthy rant of a topic you've heard many times before! :(
That anger will do it every time. I do agree with you, if you are only a puff now and then, it is far better than going all out and blowing your quit. Maybe that puff satisfied you enuff to make you realize you really dont want it anyway. Hang tuff girlfriend. I have gone to dreaming about the stupid things! The hold these things have is unbelievable and just shows us it is daily that we must fight.
When my husband is getting ready to tie one on he will purposely pick a fight, usually with me, so he can justify getting drunk. I have long ago stopped baiting him, I have long ago stopped caring (please no pity).
Did you bait him to justify that puff or did he bait you to justify his pot.
You have to remember that no one can make you do anything that you don't want to do. That puff was out of anger and yet there was premeditation too. It had to take you more then a few minutes to purposely go out to purchase them and then light up.
Don't let anyone or anything take control over you again. You are a strong person and I know you realize your triggers so work on them.
The tracker is solely for your benefit Jade ; )
Did you bait him to justify that puff or did he bait you to justify his pot.
You have to remember that no one can make you do anything that you don't want to do. That puff was out of anger and yet there was premeditation too. It had to take you more then a few minutes to purposely go out to purchase them and then light up.
Don't let anyone or anything take control over you again. You are a strong person and I know you realize your triggers so work on them.
The tracker is solely for your benefit Jade ; )
Was attempting to talk to DH about his pot use last night and he starts Mocking me during the conversation which is what led to the frustration. I just felt like I was going to FLY APART WITH ANGER!
I can't believe my husband doesn't see all the problems pot is causing. Maybe he does and just doesn't care?
Ugh!!!!
I can't believe my husband doesn't see all the problems pot is causing. Maybe he does and just doesn't care?
Ugh!!!!
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