Is it normal to feel this way after your first kiss?

[robyndaydreams]

So basically, I had my first kiss. And it was amazing. My boyfriend and I are pretty much perfect for each other. I don't know how to explain it, but we clicked right off the bat, even when we just started being friends. It was all so natural. We both suffer from horrific amounts of mental disorders and we just gravitated towards one another and we both make each other happy. So, today he kissed me. And as I said, it was fantastic. It was better than I imagined it would be. I really really really really like him. He then started saying how much he likes me and that we are probably never gonna seperate. I think that was when my anxiety and intrusive thoughts came at full force. I had a panic attack that was so bad I nearly passed out. I'm almost 100% sure it's because I have such a hard time with intimacy and everything was just going so fast suddenly and I was scared and overwhelmed. I have never said I love you to anyone, not even my parents. The word scares me half to death. I get panic attacks when people tell me they love me. As of now, its been a couple hours and I've had two more panic attacks. I'm so scared because I like him more than I can even describe. He's perfect in every sense of the word and literally an hour before we kissed I could see us well into the future. I think it might be because this is all so new and scary for me and everything just went so fast so suddenly. I am gonna talk to him about it and tell him what is going on and that maybe we need to slow down. And we need to take our time. Cause I have never been able to keep a relationship with anyone, even friends, because I get bored after awhile and my anxiety just makes it all worse. But i don't wanna leave him. And im scared that one day i'll have to and i'm so terrified that suddenly i don't like him anymore even though i wouldve probably said I'd die for him two minutes before we kissed. Im just so scared it's gonna continue like this, when all I want is to just be with him. He makes me so happy, but my mind is so messed up right mow I don't know what to do anymore. I've also had a sever past of suicidal tendencies related to intrusive thoughts and I'm scared that is gonna happen again

[Paxiled]

You don't say how old you are, but we have to assume you're pretty young.  So the fact you got your first kiss is great, it's exciting.  You've never been in love (you probably aren't now, either, but maybe you are, when you're older you'll understand what I'm saying but you won't now) and this is just heart-pounding stuff.  It probably is for him as well.  As it should be.  But what concerns me more, because the kiss part happens to everyone -- there's always a first time, right? -- is how much and how quickly your thinking travels from happiness to catastrophe.  More important long-term for you than the kiss is, are you in therapy so you can enjoy the moment and not live in what-ifs all the time?

[robyndaydreams]

Yea I am pretty young, I'm 15. I was so freaked I totally forgot to put that in. So, I know that my boyfriend and I are very young, which is another reason why I got so scared. I felt like it was way too early for him to be saying those things -although I know he means them with all his heart, knowing his personality- we have our entire life ahead of us, and so much can still happen and I'm so afraid of hurting him. And yes, I am seeing a therapist and I have been for two years now, and I am planning on telling her what's going on. Although, I have a really rough time telling people I know personally emotional things such as this. This is why I came to this site right away. Its anonymous and I feel less judged. And I get what you mean when you say I'm focusing too much on the future and all the ifs and buts, rather than being in the moment. The thing is I have such a difficult time with that. My therapist and I have been working on the anticipatory side of my anxiety for quite some time now. I don't think I've ever done something where I was actually in the moment. Its practically impossible for me. Luckily I do have a lot of support and I am on meds, but I'm just so messed up. I'm not sure if I'll ever get better. Thank you so so much for answering. I really appreciate it. I feel less alone now.