help for me and my hashi spouse

[wudad1313]

Hi

My wife was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto's and started taking medication.  While I'm no perfect person or parent, and I've been trying to be encouraging now that she's finally been diagnosed (not her fault; her old family physician never tested for it), the abuse that I take and my four year old son are taking is just unbearable.  There were some moments when she became a little nicer recently, but she grabs my sons ear and has hit him at least 6 times since he was three.  Once she screamed that "he should apologize to me" after she hit him.  She screams at my son all the time, and my son has more and more behavior issues at pre-K.  My psyche is squashed flat, and the only reason I stick around is to protect my son and pay the rent. I'm trying to be respectful of people struggling with a disease, but sheer violence of the consequences that thyroid issues seem to inflict on family members is just unbearable.  

What can spouses do to protect themselves from people with thyroid disease?  Even if you're sick you're responsible for your hands and your words under the law.

[wudad1313]

Just got a snippy text message about leaving the house dirty when taking the kids to school. After I got two little kids to school fed, laughing and happy and they both had good days after the oldest had a crappy monday after a weekend of withering critique and being screamed at.  I don't want to have a date night with this woman; I need time to get out of house so I can sweat out the pain from being around her.  It's sad but she's the last person in the world I want to spend time with - all I hear is screaming and whining; I just want to make sure she's going to be stable enough to be near my kids.  The kicker is that my wife's mother is hyperthyroid, as well as the grandmother - a nasty piece of work who was abusive to to my wife's mother and siblings. There's a lineage of thyroid issues as well as hostages/casualties.  Then, a few years ago my wife finds out that her dad had an illegitimate child - sad, but I can't blame my father in law - a nice, responsible guy - knowing what it's like to be around a histrionic, nagging, controlling, screaming thyroid sufferer. I have started to struggle in my own life as the caustic effects of being around this disease just keeps eating away at every part of me.    But what can you do? You have to protect and feed children.  I don't have enough resources to raise two kids on my own, and I have no living family to lean on.

[Barb135]

You might also want to think about getting a babysitter now and then in order for you and your wife to have "couple's time"; that was always more important to me, than having "me" time.  It's not easy having 2 small children and relationships sometimes get lost in the shuffle.  Try a "date night".

"And it's a vicious cycle at this point because my son's not an easy kid - a good kid but not an easy kid - and then the rage from my wife just gets worse, and then my son goes and hits a kid at school or regresses in potty training."  Keep in mind that this is what he's learning from the way he's being treated.  When someone hits him or pulls his ear, he thinks that's acceptable behavior and will do it to others.

You might try to explain that to your wife.  I used to find that when I got overly frustrated with my son (he wasn't easy, either), it was best to leave the room if possible.  I didn't have to leave the house or anything; just had to go into another room long enough to calm down.  My kids are grown now, with kids of their own and I still walk away whenever I need to.

Does your wife have something against men/males?

[wudad1313]

Thanks.  That's the tough part.  Being at home with kids isn't easy, but there's a hair-trigger rage there that keeps exploding in our house: at my son and at me. Our daughter, age 2, seems to be exempt. My wife did get a job - right when the medicine seemed to be working - and does go get to be an adult, but neither of us have"me" time.    And it's a vicious cycle at this point because my son's not an easy kid - a good kid but not an easy kid - and then the rage from my wife just gets worse, and then my son goes and hits a kid at school or regresses in potty training.  I bring the kids to school.  I'm taking over this weekend and gently asking her to go do something on her own.  

[UmmYeahOk]

I guess the best way to put it is that her thyroid condition may be an explanation, but it is not an excuse. She needs your support, but you and your son also need to be safe. How much time does she have to herself? I know that I get really irritated when all I want is to be left alone. That doesn't mean that I want a divorce and my child taken away from me. It means that I just want some private time to myself where I can just lay in bed and not have to deal with anyone. Does she have this time? Try to give her this. It might help.

[Barb135]

I don't know the timeline between when your children were born and when your wife was diagnosed, but it sounds like both children were born prior to her diagnosis; if this has gotten progressively worse since the children were born, perhaps her "aggressiveness" has more to do with them, than the thyroid issue?

Please understand that I'm not saying the thyroid issue has nothing to do with it, because it could be a contributing factor; however, your wife's illness does not negate her responsibility to the children, nor does it give her the right to be abusive.

Can you call the doctor's office and ask for the results?  Or maybe if you talk to your wife, she would tell you what they are?  Without knowing what tests were done and where her results fall, we really can't be any help in regards to the thyroid issue.

I strongly recommend that you encourage your wife to seek psychological help with this.

[wudad1313]

Thanks. I don't know if I can get them as her doctor interpreted them over the phone. From what i hear about her physician, the doctor seems to be very in favor of looking at multiple variables/levels and not just the traditional indicators for thyroid disease. Just to add context here, my wife is an ex-athlete and physically formidable. I could defend myself if it ever got to that but I hate fighting and  as luck would have it, I was raised by a mentally ill parent  and loathe fighting in the home. My wife was always spirited but this has gotten progressively worse since our two children were born.