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How do I help an adult daughter with a weight problem?
My daughter is 23 years old. I noticed she had problems with overeating when she was in middle school, but her major weight gain has been during her college years and since she graduated. I would estimate she has put on 50+ pounds in recent years. I am at a loss as to how I might help her and what I should and should not say. I notice she is isolating herself a bit more also. I am so concerned about her, but sdhe is very defensive in general and does not seem to want to reach out.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm sorry to hear about this... I would agree with the therapist that it's not good to dwell on this.
Perhaps you could just ask your daughter if she's feeling okay, since there are medical conditions, such as hypothyroidism and/or insulin resistance that can cause weight gain/inability to lose Your daughter works long hours, so stress/high cortisol is another. High cortisol levels also affect thyroid hormone levels.
There are also medications that cause weight gain, so perhaps she's on one of those?
The problem is that by saying anything to her about it, you'd run the risk of alienating her. That's not something I'd be willing to risk, so I'd not go beyond asking if she felt okay. When our children become adults, it's hard for us to watch them do things that aren't necessarily good for them, but all too often, there's little we can do. Your daughter will realize, at some point, that she must care for herself, or her health will suffer. Let's hope she gets there sooner rather than later.
Perhaps you could just ask your daughter if she's feeling okay, since there are medical conditions, such as hypothyroidism and/or insulin resistance that can cause weight gain/inability to lose Your daughter works long hours, so stress/high cortisol is another. High cortisol levels also affect thyroid hormone levels.
There are also medications that cause weight gain, so perhaps she's on one of those?
The problem is that by saying anything to her about it, you'd run the risk of alienating her. That's not something I'd be willing to risk, so I'd not go beyond asking if she felt okay. When our children become adults, it's hard for us to watch them do things that aren't necessarily good for them, but all too often, there's little we can do. Your daughter will realize, at some point, that she must care for herself, or her health will suffer. Let's hope she gets there sooner rather than later.
I'm going through this now. My daughter was never a small girl but when she lived home and she struggled with her weight I would take her to the doctor, we joined weight watchers together, etc. Also in high school she was very athletic. She went to college and developed bad eating habits and I'm sure a lot of partying. She put on a lot of weight then. Now she is 23. She's a teacher and works long hrs. She moved out of our house about year ago and now lives closer to her work. I was hoping this would help with her quality of life so she would have more time to exercise and take care of herself. She lives about an hr away from us so we see her about once a month. Every time I see her, she looks like she gained even more weight. She seems to always wear jogging pants and a big shirt. I can't say anything but I'm sure my expression speaks for itself. She'll even ask me why am I glaring at her. She wears no make up and doesn't take pride in her appearance like she use to. She is such a pretty young woman too. She has a serious boyfriend so I'm not sure she's just comfortable with the relationship or something isn't right. For Christmas I gave her a membership for yoga classes which she asked for. She never goes because of her long work hrs. Sometimes I wish her and her boyfriend would break up because I know she would get back into shape and take pride in her appearance. I've spoken to a therapist and she told me not to say anything and not to dwell on it. I get obsessed about it because she's my only child and I hate to see her like this. I don't like the person she's become and all I can do now is pray for her. I have to prepare myself when I see her so I don't react to her appearance. I just want her to be healthy, safe and happy. All I can do is continue to pray for her and me too!
7 Comments
I am experiencing exactly what you are with my 25 year old beautiful daughter who has gained 20-30 lbs since college, it breaks my heart! There has got to be a way to get through!
I now pay for my daughter's gym membership, try not to say anything or show any reaction when i see her. And I PRAY A LOT. Since I pay for the gym membership I thinking of reaching out to them to see if they can encourage her to see a nutritionist and get more sessions with the personal trainer. I;m just afraid that she will find out that I got involved. That will be a major problem between my daughter and me. I feel hopeless
I'm experiencing the same thing with my 19 year old daughter. She is a sophomore in college and has put on a lot of weight since high school. She seems comfortable with herself so I don't feel like I should say anything. I would love to talk to others going through the same thing for advise.
It's still a work in progress. I haven't seen a change in her appearance. This is after paying for a very expensive gym and personal trainer. These are gifts that she had asked for and we sacrifice to give it to her. I think she is trying but not fully committed. It makes me crazy because I'm embarrassed of her and for her. She's probably a size 14 and wears a bikini. I WANT and feel I NEED to say something but can't. I see a therapist to help me accept and support her. It's not easy. I would like to talk to you. I don't go on this website a lot but can make other arrangements to do so. I feel you pain.
I will say, I'm glad I came to this site as I don't feel so alone in this for me a real crisis, I love my daughter so much and it kills me to see her so defeated and I do dwell on her weight. It's as if all this is happening to me as I'm very protective of her, she is 19 and a wonderful person and it breaks my heart, I wish she could see things through my eyes, I love her so.
I understand your position. I'm living too and have been for a long time. I really try not to say anything but sometimes the look on my face says it all. I don't pay for the gym any longer. Realized that I resented it. I was paying a lot of money and she didn't use it and the PT was a waste of $ too. She was going to a wedding recently and I couldn't believe she was wearing this dress that was not flattering. she's now 26 years old and I still try to take control. I got her to join this personalized shopping service (stitch fix) and so I sent a box to her that consisted of clothes for that weekend and upcoming occasions. However, I spent again a lot of money and the clothing didn't fit her well. She wore them anyway. I have to stop trying and let her find her own style, etc. I'm mad at myself for not being a better role model, teach her more about style, etc. In my heart, I know I did my best but somewhere I failed.
I beat myself up all the time. I pray and beg God to help her, to help me. I'm learning as I go, I still see a therapist and it does help. It shouldn't be this hard. I kind of envy mom's that can go shopping with their daughters and don't have to walk on egg shells with their daughters. It's not a good situation. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. However, when I go on this site, I realize I'm not the only mom that just wants the best for our daughters. we're not asking for much. I want the best for her and would give up everything for that. I trust that things will change and this to will pass. In the meantime, I'm trying to be loving, supportive, kind and the best mom that I can be. Please feel free to reach out to me at ***@****. anytime if you want to chat personally.
I beat myself up all the time. I pray and beg God to help her, to help me. I'm learning as I go, I still see a therapist and it does help. It shouldn't be this hard. I kind of envy mom's that can go shopping with their daughters and don't have to walk on egg shells with their daughters. It's not a good situation. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. However, when I go on this site, I realize I'm not the only mom that just wants the best for our daughters. we're not asking for much. I want the best for her and would give up everything for that. I trust that things will change and this to will pass. In the meantime, I'm trying to be loving, supportive, kind and the best mom that I can be. Please feel free to reach out to me at ***@****. anytime if you want to chat personally.
When a child reaches 26 yrs old, it's no longer up to us to decide what they should/need to wear and how they should look. It's entirely up to them and it doesn't really matter whether we like it or not. We grew up in a different era and we learned to wear different styles from what young people wear today.
My own daughter has become quite overweight (again) and she loves to wear the leggings that show every bump and lump in her overweight body... it's not attractive to me, but she likes it; she's comfortable with it, so I just be quiet about it. I'd rather let her wear what she wants than to ruin our relationship by demanding that she dress the way *I* think she should.
I was a good role model for her as far as dress, weight, etc is concerned; I'm just a different person than she is and my tastes are different. I know my daughter doesn't choose to be overweight... she has a medical condition that prevents her from exercising a lot and she takes medications for which weight gain is a side effect. Nobody would know that if they don't know her, but that's life. Of course, it doesn't help that she chooses to drink a lot of Mountain Dew and eat sugary foods that not only increase weight but also increase inflammation that makes her illness worse. I've tried to discuss it with her and she chooses not to change her lifestyle... I can't force her... She's 43 yrs old so it's no longer my responsibility. I'll keep my relationship with her and perhaps someday she'll seek my advice again. If I alienate her, there's no chance she will ever seek my help or advice.
My own daughter has become quite overweight (again) and she loves to wear the leggings that show every bump and lump in her overweight body... it's not attractive to me, but she likes it; she's comfortable with it, so I just be quiet about it. I'd rather let her wear what she wants than to ruin our relationship by demanding that she dress the way *I* think she should.
I was a good role model for her as far as dress, weight, etc is concerned; I'm just a different person than she is and my tastes are different. I know my daughter doesn't choose to be overweight... she has a medical condition that prevents her from exercising a lot and she takes medications for which weight gain is a side effect. Nobody would know that if they don't know her, but that's life. Of course, it doesn't help that she chooses to drink a lot of Mountain Dew and eat sugary foods that not only increase weight but also increase inflammation that makes her illness worse. I've tried to discuss it with her and she chooses not to change her lifestyle... I can't force her... She's 43 yrs old so it's no longer my responsibility. I'll keep my relationship with her and perhaps someday she'll seek my advice again. If I alienate her, there's no chance she will ever seek my help or advice.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I've been trying to figure out how best to answer your questions and I'm still not absolutely certain, but maybe we can work through it together.
As was noted above, when an adult doesn't want to lose weight, there really isn't a whole lot anyone can do to force them into to it.
All of the points you made about weight causing health issues, possibly preventing her from getting the job or man of her dreams are valid. I can even add one more... if she were to get the man of her dreams, her weight can prevent her from getting pregnant and having the family of her dreams.
Now, I'm going to ask some questions, so please bear with me, because they could all have some relevance.
Does your daughter "mind" her weight? Does she indicate in any way, that she wants to lose weight or that she's uncomfortable with her weight or does she seem to be happy with it? If she's happy with herself and has all the self confidence she needs to make it in this world, there isn't going to be much you can do, unless you can figure out a way to work in conversations about your own health and ways to make it better, particularly if you could stand to lose some weight, yourself; or if you need to get more exercise or whatever the case may be, and see if she'd be willing to join you.
Does she live with you and eat at your table? Do you provide her food and cook her meals? If you provide the food and cook the meals, set the example and provide and cook healthy wholesome food, in portions that will allow her to lose weight and she may be so busy with life that she may not even realize what's happening - you can always hope. You can tell her that YOU need to eat healthier, so this is the food you are providing and cooking, from now on.
You can try to get her to go on walks with you or whatever activities the 2 of you might enjoy together.
Last, but certainly, not least... Is it possible that your daughter has a medical issue that could cause weight gain/inability to lose weight? There are several, but the most obvious that comes to mind is hypothyroidism. The thyroid gland controls metabolism, heart rate, digestion, body temperature and other bodily functions. When the thyroid doesn't work properly, metabolism is sluggish and weight can pile on, literally, overnight. A hypothyroid person is often cold when others aren't; they're often fatigued, constipated, with dry skin, hair loss, etc. Some simple blood tests can confirm/rule out a malfunctioning thyroid. The tests she needs are TSH, Free T3 and Free T4.
There are some other conditions that can also cause weight gain/inability to lose that includes insulin resistance and PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). You could tell her that you read an article about these things and how common they are in young women (hypothyroidism, insulin resistance and PCOS really are common).
I'd recommend that you find a way to get her in for a complete physical - maybe you could suggest that she's looking tired lately and it's time for a check up. Once she's in the doctor's office you can bet your boots the doctor is going to talk to her about her weight!!!
As was noted above, when an adult doesn't want to lose weight, there really isn't a whole lot anyone can do to force them into to it.
All of the points you made about weight causing health issues, possibly preventing her from getting the job or man of her dreams are valid. I can even add one more... if she were to get the man of her dreams, her weight can prevent her from getting pregnant and having the family of her dreams.
Now, I'm going to ask some questions, so please bear with me, because they could all have some relevance.
Does your daughter "mind" her weight? Does she indicate in any way, that she wants to lose weight or that she's uncomfortable with her weight or does she seem to be happy with it? If she's happy with herself and has all the self confidence she needs to make it in this world, there isn't going to be much you can do, unless you can figure out a way to work in conversations about your own health and ways to make it better, particularly if you could stand to lose some weight, yourself; or if you need to get more exercise or whatever the case may be, and see if she'd be willing to join you.
Does she live with you and eat at your table? Do you provide her food and cook her meals? If you provide the food and cook the meals, set the example and provide and cook healthy wholesome food, in portions that will allow her to lose weight and she may be so busy with life that she may not even realize what's happening - you can always hope. You can tell her that YOU need to eat healthier, so this is the food you are providing and cooking, from now on.
You can try to get her to go on walks with you or whatever activities the 2 of you might enjoy together.
Last, but certainly, not least... Is it possible that your daughter has a medical issue that could cause weight gain/inability to lose weight? There are several, but the most obvious that comes to mind is hypothyroidism. The thyroid gland controls metabolism, heart rate, digestion, body temperature and other bodily functions. When the thyroid doesn't work properly, metabolism is sluggish and weight can pile on, literally, overnight. A hypothyroid person is often cold when others aren't; they're often fatigued, constipated, with dry skin, hair loss, etc. Some simple blood tests can confirm/rule out a malfunctioning thyroid. The tests she needs are TSH, Free T3 and Free T4.
There are some other conditions that can also cause weight gain/inability to lose that includes insulin resistance and PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). You could tell her that you read an article about these things and how common they are in young women (hypothyroidism, insulin resistance and PCOS really are common).
I'd recommend that you find a way to get her in for a complete physical - maybe you could suggest that she's looking tired lately and it's time for a check up. Once she's in the doctor's office you can bet your boots the doctor is going to talk to her about her weight!!!
I am the father of my only child 24 year old daughter, my lovely and beautiful daughter who graduated from one of the top Ivy League universities and got her master's degree recently, I love her so much and I never stop to express to her, to our family member and friends (including my golf buddies) that how proud I am, and I encouraged her and supported her all the way from under graduate school to now she successfully received her master's degree with honor. Academically, she is the dream of all parents; she will have a bright future to purse her career. However, physically she somehow developed into certain degree of obesity at least about 30-40 Lbs over starting from her sophomore year in the college. As she was quite resented any slight suggestion even with minor mentioning about “size, body”, I have been watching over my mouth very carefully, particularly after she started her graduate school when I even thought about it, it became a sensitive taboo subject between us as I know how easily it can offend her. From deep of my heart, I know we love each other so much as father and daughter relationship. I have several concerns: 1, it is about the health issue as more weight she puts on it can easily develop into other health issue for a young lady like her, 2, it may somehow prevent her to get better employment as certain “image sensitive” employers (she is in the process of getting active interviews with several big international firms suitable for her study and profession now)? 3, I don’t think she has a steady boy friend so far (not like when she was in the high school – a very serious boy friend relationship as the most parents may have experienced), besides the point she has been very preoccupied with her graduate school, on the other hand, I just suspect that she may have certain low esteem in dealing with a relationship? Having all said, I was thinking to seek a professional consultant till I found this forum. I am very impressed the suggestions and opinions listed here, not to mention we all share some degree of the same experience with our daughter. For all the best, I will be grateful to get your thoughts. l
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree that there's not much you can do since she's an adult and you can't hardly "force" her to change anything.
She will have to come to a point, where she WANTS to lose weight for herself, whether it be for health reasons or to raise her self-esteem.
I also agree that it will do no good to chide her about her weight; that will only make matters worse and she may eventually come to resent you for making her feel even worse than she might already feel about it.
Ranae's idea of doing things for yourself, whether it be healthy eating, exercise, etc may be enough to "nudge" her into getting started with a weight loss plan. I'd be sure to ease into it gradually though.
Good luck and hope you'll stay with us.
She will have to come to a point, where she WANTS to lose weight for herself, whether it be for health reasons or to raise her self-esteem.
I also agree that it will do no good to chide her about her weight; that will only make matters worse and she may eventually come to resent you for making her feel even worse than she might already feel about it.
Ranae's idea of doing things for yourself, whether it be healthy eating, exercise, etc may be enough to "nudge" her into getting started with a weight loss plan. I'd be sure to ease into it gradually though.
Good luck and hope you'll stay with us.
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