Worried and confused

[bigtex949]

My wife is 44 years old and I am 55 years old and I think our sex life is good but could be better.  But what has started worrying me is the fact that she uses a vibrator all night long and she hides it from me.  I happen to be awake at a late hour and noticed the bed shaking and her tensing up.  So I watched and listened and I could hear a vibrator.  Well the first time I saw this I was turned on beyond believe.  I asked her about it and she said that nothing happened and that I imagined it.  This got my curiosity up and I checked the vibrators we have and they were all still where we keep them.  Every time I mention this to her she becomes angry and distant to me.  Now she is quieter when she's doing this but still doing it all night long.  I know because I stayed up all night once and watched her.  I guess what is worrying me the most is what is the big secret and where did the vibrator come from.  She once told she would never have the guts to purchase one herself.  Did someone give it to her and they are discussing it?  Help!  

[Captain0714]

I have to say  I am in the exact same situation with my girlfriend  2 years.  It goes on all night almost every night. I stay up all night suffering pretending to sleep.  She TOTALLY denies this and it's caused some serious nasty arguments. I'm taking moving out fights. It's affecting my job because of lack of sleep but I'm desperately trying to catch her in this disturbing lie.  She somehow wakes up totally rested. There is a condition called
Sexomnia and a book has been written about this called Sleepsex
Uncovered  by Michael Mangan, PH. D
I am sorry to hear what you are going through but it's a
relief knowing that im not alone. And to all the people who doubts this can happen ALL night, I hope you never have to go through this.

[bigtex949]

and I hope and pray you are right

[bigtex949]

Thank you Specialmom,
I will do just that.  I believe you are right.  I am so embarrassed

[specialmom]

Anyway, I am thinking that what really needs to happen here is that you take the focus off of sex and concentrate on what other issues are going on between you.  If things are bad in other areas, it may lead you to be less sexually intimate with her, unable to discuss things openly, and then a feeling of paranoia can creep in.  So, I would work on all marital issues at this point.  good luck

[specialmom]

I think you are mistaken about the whole thing.  yep, I do.  No way on this earth do I believe a woman is using a vibrator the whole night.  Nope . . . life isn't some porn fantasy when it comes down to reality.  So, I'd stop obsessing over this.  Perhaps she falls asleep and it lays beside her all night.  (giving the benefit of the doubt here that this even happens or happened on more than one occasion).

I'd work on your intimacy with her if it is lacking and by that, I mean being emotionally close enough with her to discuss sex openly.  

And really, her using a vibrator or masterbating is pretty normal.  Sex with our partners takes a lot of effort and she may just feel like getting the job done quickly.  Anniebrooke mentioned this.  I doubt there is some kind of covert vibrator situation going on here where 'someone' has snuck your wife the end all be all vibrator that she must spend the entire night with using.  Again, life isn't a porn flick and our bodies really don't want 'that' much action.  

Anyway, I'm sure we've helped you here on this particular situation as much as anyone on the internet can.  Perhaps the best thing to do is talk to your wife and suggest couple's therapy.  good luck

[bigtex949]

I'm sorry I did not make that clear. The reason I suspect her doing it all night is because several mornings when I get up, I can hear it running.  It stops running when she gets out of bed.  I am not looking for someone to poke holes in my story.  I need someone to tell me this is sometimes normal or "it's too wild, no one does that." All I can think of is she is lying and what else is she lying about.  We promised each other there would be no secrets.  I'm seriously hurting.

[specialmom]

Sir, are you trying to convince us that your wife is up all night using a vibrater?  I just have a very hard time believing that.  I am a woman and really, doubtful.  Your story really is not making sense to me especially since you say you 'stayed up all night' once and watched her.  There are many inconsistencies and contradictions in what you write.  You should probably read it again to clear that up.   Including that you've only stayed up one night to watch and therefore, how in the heck would you know what she is doing when you are asleep.  See what I mean?  Not really making sense.  

[bigtex949]

I did try to find out one night what was happening but I went about the wrong way.  She had already told me that nothing was happening.  I wanted to prove her wrong so I grabbed her hand and tried to look between her legs but she turned over too fast and claimed I woke her up out of a deep sleep.  This led to a week long argument in which I had to give in in order to stay married.

[bigtex949]

Hi
As far as sleep goes, I was only able to stay up all night once.  Other times I've seen it intermittently.  She does not work so there is plenty of time for resting during the day.  I didn't think she slept during the day but now I wonder.  She takes care of a 16 year old and a twelve year old and keeps a very, very neat and clean house.  I can't figure out why not do this during the day and maybe she is.  It seems that I am so left out of her life now, due to other issues we have plus this issue that it's driving me crazy.

[bigtex949]

Thank you for your response.  That is a good idea (moving the "known" vibrators).  I will try this and just see.  
Thanks

[AnnieBrooke]

I have to say that parts of what you wrote are not really clicking with my understanding of the sleeping patterns of 44-year-olds and 55-year-olds.  She masturbates *all* night?  You laid awake *all* night?  (At 55, my husband wouldn't be able to lie awake all night if you paid him to try.)  And, uh, OK, let's say you confirmed that she was indeed masturbating ... you didn't tap her on the shoulder at 3 am and say, "Hey honey, the bed is shaking, are you using a vibrator?"  Did you perhaps use a certain amount of hyperbole in your description of the situation?

Say she was actually masturbating in the night.  It most likely indicates she likes to have an orgasm without going to a lot of trouble.  It might indicate she is fantasizing.  Maybe she is fantasizing because she doesn't want to go to a lot of trouble to have orgasms.  Finally, a possibility is that she is not so thrilled with actual sex, versus whatever she is thinking about when she is masturbating.

If you fear the problem is that she is not entirely excited about sex with you, the thing to step up is not your sexual moves with her (no horny smiles if you catch her masturbating, she's not doing it in order to get you turned on or she would have woken you up), but step up your loving activity toward her as a person.  I once told a guy that the way to get his wife more "in the mood" was to come home from work, take the kids off her back, do activities with them [homework or playing], help cook dinner while telling her anecdotes about his day that he thinks she would like and asking her about hers, help do the dishes, take the kids upstairs and get them ready for bed, and come downstairs and rub her feet.  A woman would simply knock a man down who did that.  (The guy responded that was too much work, he just wanted some new moves in the bedroom. lol  At least he was honest.  Most guys would respond that they do all that.  They don't.)  

If your story is really exactly as you said, I would guess she is doing the vibrator for easy sexual release.  Only the two of you can work out whether this is a problem or not.

[specialmom]

ha

[KeeLolo]

It sounds like to me that she is NOT using one of the family vibrators!!!! Unless she is waiting until U go to be and then she sneaks and get one. How about moving the family stash and that way you can see if she is using one of the families or does she have her own?!? I don't understand why she is using one especially every night if the sex is pretty good?!? And it does raise questions as to if she is "discussing" this with some one else?!? I hope all the best to you....

[AnnieBrooke]

If your wife has a vibrator that you don't know about, or is using one of the family vibrators, it is probably not a sign that someone gave it to her and they are discussing it.  She obviously doesn't like discussing them.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I thought you said you checked the vibrators you had so that she obviously has access to them.  Hm.  Your story really doesn't add up or make sense.  All night long?  Hm.   When does she sleep?  She must really be dragging the next day after staying up all night.  Maybe you could talk to her about sleep deprivation and how her employer might notice the bags under her eyes from these all night episodes of vibration.  Heck, your employer might notice the bags under your eyes from staying up all night watching her.  Do you not sleep in the same bed?  My suggestion is to get some rest, the both of you, as you sound like you could use it.