Am I a paedophile?

[confusedandscared128]

Please can someone help? I’m 17 and I’m starting to feel like I am a paedophile because it feels as though I want to touch kids in places I shouldn’t and I hate it!! It’s like there’s 2 sides to me, one side is the rational side that is like of course I don’t want to do that to a child and the other side wants to and I hate it. I haven’t always had these feelings, it’s only been in the past 3 months or so. Before I had the thoughts I was fine and always loved kids and wanted to have them and work with them in the future but not I just don’t know. I imagine myself in the future with my own kids and say as if I were washing them or something and I think would I want to touch them and part of me says yes but the other says no way and I’m just so confused as to what I actually feel. Do I just say no because it’s the right thing but I actually do want to touch them? I don’t want to have these feelings at all and I just want to go back to my life before all this happened but I’m completely confused and going round in circles all the time. I’m too scared to tell my parents because I’m so ashamed that it’s actually something I want to do. I know I would never act on these thoughts but it really feels like I want to and I don’t want to want to (if that makes sense). Please can someone give me some advice? From what I've read up on it seems like I have a form of OCD but the feelings feel so real it's hard to believe it is. Please don't judge me, I just want my life back.

[ant87294]

Hi there, here is my story. I was as ordinary a lad you could imagine, no bad thoughts or feelings etc when I one day ( at a stressful time in my life) began getting intrusive horrible thoughts about my own niece, they caused a huge amount of anxiety and they came one after another. Literally anything and everything sexual, violent was shown to me as images in my head. I occasionally got words being put into my head also and it drove me into horrible anxiety and depression. The guilt was horrific, I did come out and tell my girlfriend who was incredibly supportive and didnt panic which I was so relieved about. Anyway after a while the anxiety had faded and so did the images, I dealt with them by telling myself they weren't my fault. However I then noticed I was beginning to feel sensitive around younger girls and felt as though an attraction had been born.. Which I hated, this drove me to avoiding literally every young or little girl I saw. This went on for ages and I could hardly do anything without needed to turn away or avoid every young girl in sight. One day I realised I needed to face it so although it made me anxious i started to try to just look wherever my eyes took me. After a while it was much better, then came really weird things such as if I was looking at a child I couldn't have any parts of my body in contact with my private parts, I would quickly move my arms hands or legs so that I wouldn't be 'doing something wrong'  each time a child was on tv or sometimes even just their voice on the radio. And if I hadn't moved them I would then beat myself up for long periods of time until I had fixed it in my head and felt better. Please anyone if you any experiences do reply as it really would be appreciated. I have an appointment with the dr and I'm going to take it from there with getting help something I should of done a long time ago.

[confusedandscared128]

Hi thanks for replying,

I don't really know to be honest, to me it doesn't feel like for pleasure, just like, this is going to sound awful but as curiosity. I know how horrible and disgusting that sounds which is why I don't understand it. I don't know why I'm thinking this, it feels like half of me does want to and the other is like the old me like of course I don't want to do that. I really hate it, it feels like I'm living in a nightmare..I DON'T WANT TO BE A PAEDOPHILE! :( I know I would never ever carry out these acts but the fact that it feels like a want/urge is scaring the hell out of me.

Anyway, thank you for your advice, I'm going to book an appointment with my GP and see if he will refer me to a psychiatrist because I hate my life at the moment and don't know how much more I can take.

[SeekingSense]

You have those thoughts...so how can you be certain you won’t act on your feelings. I also used to have those thoughts and when I was young I actually would “accidentally” rub up against younger children and touch them. So don’t say you won’t. You really do need help. I didn’t get any help...but I managed to stop that dysfunctional behavior when I was around 19, but bacame hyper-sexual indulged in other dysfunctional behavior with older boys/men. I’ve never had children and made a decision early to not have any because of my actions earlier in my life.  I’m 52 and have a boyfriend....never married, and I think my actions in earlier years played a big part in that decision as well. I think I should seek help too because I see how it has and is still affecting me.

[nursegirl6572]

Hello and welcome!

When you say it "feels like I want to?", do you mean you actually have urges to do this, and think about the actual act (with a sense of pleasure), or is it that you just cannot stop thinking about it?

Obviously, the best answer here is to seek professional help so you can sort this out with them and determine what is going on.  It sounds like it could be OCD, or in the least an intrusive thought related to anxiety.  A doctor will be able to differentiate between real intent and just fear and obsessive thoughts.

Get yourself an appt with a psychiatrist as soon as you can so you can start working on this, okay?  Don't try to just ignore this or get over it yourself.  You need the help of a mental health professional.

Let us know how you're doing, okay?  Hang in there!

[ROSYouralright]

You definitely SHOULD tell your parents and get some counseling! Stay away from ALL kids until you get this figured out!