Am I too attached?

[msniki412]

I think I may be too attached to my boyfriend. I know I miss him always, but today I'm realizing that I think I may be too attached to him. Ok so he hurt his foot a while back ago and didn't let it really heal, so on Sunday [July 22] he hurt it again. So he didn't go to work on Monday and he was off yesterday and today and he wont be at work tomorrow either. So I haven't seen him since Sunday night. Monday night didn't bother me  because I never see him on Monday's because of work. I didn't see him last night either because he was in too much pain and I told him not to come see me. And now tonight I wont see him again, because I'm the one telling him he needs to rest so he can getting better. I now find myself crying at work because I can't see him tonight and I probably wont see him until Saturday. He knows I'm crying, he knows I'm sad and that I need to see him, so he tells me he will come see me tonight. But I tell him no, because he has to get better that he is more important don't worry about me. But deep down inside I need to see him. I get this lonely depressed feeling where the only thing that will make me better is if I see my boyfriend, even if I only see him for 10 mins. Tonight I know when we talk on the phone I know 100% sure I will cry because I miss him too much.

I know that couples don't have to see each other everyday, I know that. But it's just that we are SO close in our relationship I get weird feeling if I can't be with him. It was a major adjustment in our relationship when he started having to work Saturday's because we would be with each other every Saturday from 10am-12am next morning. I still feel weird not being able to see him on Saturday until he gets out of work at 11pm but its getting better.

My mom says time apart in any relationship is healthy, I know that. But being as close as we are, it feels weird being away from him. We have been together now just a little over 5 months and since we started dating we have talked EVERY single day. There hasen't been a day yet that we haven't talked. In the mornings when I'm at work he messages me on my cellphone and we talk until he goes to work at 2pm. Then throughout the day we will text each other until I go home from work at 5pm. I go home, and then when he has a break at work he calls me and we spend sometimes an hour on the phone, and then we talk again like an hour later. He tells me everyday like 100 times a day that he loves me, and I do the samething. To me this feels right. Being away from him, I can't handle it. I mean the week of July 4th this year he practiclly lived with me because my family was on vacation and I didn't go. We acted as if we were married we still act as though were married. I had to do chores around the house to keep it neat and he helped me! He helped me with the laundry, making the beds everything even food shopping.

How can I get myself to not be so attached to him? I know I will always be attached, but I don't want to be at the point where I'm crying on the phone with him needing him to be with me, which I have done already. Help!!!

Niki

[waitingwithhope]

How does he feel about seeing you all the time? You may end up pushing him away if he notices you are crying or upset whenever he is not around. I would suggest that you get yourself into another hobby or something with your own group of friends so that your mind is not constantly on him all the time. From my experience, men hate clingy women--they would much rather be with a woman who does need them to some extent-- but a woman who also wants her own space and who is independent. Do something productive with your time apart from him--go to a spa, hang out with friends,etc.  While it is normal that people really want to see each other a lot at the beginning of a relationship, five months in is enough time where the couple starts defining their own space and time apart. And...don't send the guy mixed messages--if he offers to come and see you and you say no, then be happy with the no. If you really want him to come, then be honest and tell him so. You never want to get to the point where he figures you won't let him breathe and have his guy space or he will end up resenting how much you want to be around him.
And..if you both feel this way and it continues to be very intense and you feel you are mature enough to really be married--then that is something you could discuss in the future as well. Just make sure that the feelings are mutual in intensity and that everyone has clearly defined space...

[Me2mommy2b]

I'm sure you have your own interests...You make it sound like he is YOUR LIFE, which, take it from the woman with experience in relationships, he's not.  You're in love and your relationship's in the "honeymoon" period.  It's perfectly fine to feel the way you do but at the same time, you need start doing something without him.  He won't be with you 24/7 (even if you live together, that's not possible).  Do some chores, get out, have fun.  How old are you?  You sound young :)  Good luck.

[msniki412]

Yeah, it's actually getting better. I went this whole week without seeing him, and today I'm ok with it. I feel like he is my life, because we are always together. But now thinking about it, this time apart is actually ok. I havent cried because I miss him, so thats good =]
And yes I do things without him. Tonight I'm going to a baseball game with a few friends, so that helps because I still can't see him tonight maybe tomorrow if he feels better. For me it's hard because when I get use to doing something that I always do [like seeing my boyfriend every tuesday and wednesday night and some nights after work, I have a hard time adjusting if it changes]. I have a very hard time adjusting to any type of change in my life. I like doing things the same way as I always do. I know its boring, and everybody needs change, but for me I can't adjust that quickly.

But it's better today. Thanks for all the helpful advice ladies, I really am thankful for it.

And Me2mommy2b I am 21, so I guess thats young still!!! [although I kinda feel old...=/ hehehe =]

[misscloey]

Absence makes the heart grow stronger!! It is true, hang in there and you will see. Let his foot heal and find something to do with your time. Your relationship is very new and this is natural. Wait until you have been in it a while. Things will change. It is really kind of funny. I love my Hubby more than anything in the world, but sometimes I am so happy to have a break from him. I miss soon after he is gone but the break is much needed whether I think so or not. We get along Much better when reunited. We get along very well anyways but tend to start bitching about stupid little things. So, breaks away are difinately healthy.

[misscloey]

AQctually I think it is "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Anyways, you get the point. Hang in there girl, you will see that it will all be great when you finally do see him. And yes, you are still very young. He is lucky to have you!

[peekawho]

I have no advice.  When Mr. Peekawho leaves for a week, it's PARTY-TIME at the peekawho household.  

I get depressed when he comes back.  

[tmv]

I hear ya peek. How long have you been married? Mine is 15 years and I know what you mean. I was in nursing school when we met and didn't have time to miss him. Actually, he likes that about me. That I can be independent and not be needy of him-what guy wouldn't, huh? Anyway, sorry about the fun msniki, it just has been a long time since I experienced the newness of a relationship. Best wishes

[msniki412]

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I actually saw my boyfriend last night since being away from him for a week and the passion was OMG!! I think being away from him made me love him more, and that I don't have to be with him everyday. I realized that we need our time alone every now and then. You need that in every relationship. Thanks again ladies! I'm just gearing up for our 6 month anniversary next month [8/17] WOOOOHOOO!!!! Yay!

[bip]

Im glad you are doing better. Me when my husband is gone Im happy.  Hes on 2 weeks vacation....I can't wait to he goes back to work.  You are not married so it's different.  When my husband and I wasn't married I was the same way so upset  he wasnt with me.......Hope everything is well for you......Oh one more thing I did get my ultrasound done will not know the results in a few days.  Ill post to you on the woman forum when I get them.......Still bloaty, and frequent urination, CANT WAIT TO KNOW WHATS WRONG.....

[peekawho]

Been married this time since 1995.  

I'm glad Niki is happy once again.  The thought of all that wild happiness just makes me tired.  I don't have time for that.  

[msniki412]

Mispelling: Sarcastic.

Thank you

[msniki412]

bip:

Yeah I am doing better, I think what happened was that I went "cold turkey" without seeing him for 1 week. As I have said I am so totally not good with change, it takes me a lil while to feel ok about a change. But I guess it is different when your married for a long time, I guess you get tired of one another sometimes...lol
I'll be like that for sure in the future I bet! lol
Anyways, things are normal again. I get to see my boyfriend tonight and tomorrow. Tonight we are seeing The Simpson's movie...WOOO!!!!!!! And tomorrow he is coming to my house for my mom's birthday. So yay!
And yes keep me posted on your results. I sure hope you feel better soon.

peekawho:

Yes I'm happy again, but I guess that was meant to be scarstic. Oh wells...

[peekawho]

I'm just saying, the wild happiness ride will end eventually.  No one can sustain that.  

[msniki412]

Well, everyone is different.

[2boys1princess]

talk about clingy!! whoa. you need to give your bf some space... even reading your post was overwhelming. i know that you're in love and the relationship is still new, but it sounds too me that you are way too attached. you were falling apart when you couldn't see him, those are not good signs.

[chellybeans]

if a guy was crying to me that he could not stand to be away i would probably RUN!!! i'm glad you are happy and your boyfriend and you have gotten back into your routine.:)

if he likes your being clingy to that extent you better hang onto him! most guys i know would panic.
you sound just a little obsessed.

sometimes it is not a bad thing to make time for yourself, even when you normally would be with him, and maybe really want to. it shows both of you that you don't have to be with him. believe me that bit of independence is ever so valuable sometimes. i know you do stuff with your friends sometimes, but you have set yourself up to expect a routine.

my signifigant other has OCD and if you disrupt his pattern he gets out of whack. to kind of nip that in the bud before i felt smothered i told him "sometimes i just need time to do nothing" and that was just what i meant. i just wanted to go wherever, do whatever and hang out with whomever. no plans and no set in stone routine. if we ended up together that night Great, if not, i'd see him the next day. it helped him realize life is not always scheduled. things come up, and we have more fun together if every waking moment isn't spent worrying about what the other is up to.

we live together now and are expecting twins in a couple months. we still go do things apart. it's just healthy and normal. if you over stimulate each other that spark will burn out too quick. if it is "real" love then you have forever together. take your time.

sorry it's so long. i seem wordy tonight .oops :)

[msniki412]

Hey ladies. Thanks for all the advice. I know I was WAY to clingy, and my boyfriend and I talked about this the other night. He doesn't mind that I ALWAYS like to be with him, because he says he feels the same way towards me. That he is much happier when he is with me, the same way I feel towards him. I think because he is only my second REAL boyfriend that I have ever had in my life, I think thats my reason on being clingy. My last REAL boyfriend I had was when I was 11 and he was 14. We were together for 3 years. After that relationship ended horrible, I never had another boyfriend again until now. All the other guys I've been with were never a boyfriend, they were just there when I wanted to hang out and have fun. Those guys I never invited to my house for family birthday's or family gatherings, because they weren't like that. My guy now, he has been to my house many of times. He was there for my birthday with my family and last night was my mother's birthday [she turned 45 yay!] and he picked me up from work, we drove and picked up my mother's birthday cake and he even bought her flowers for her birthday!!!! How sweet he is! As you may see thats why I'm a bit too clingy. We are approching our 6 month anniversary on 8/17 and I'm a nervous wreck! He treats me like an absolute princess, sometimes a little too well. I do however have the greatest fear that my crying is going to push him away someday, even though he tells me that I will never ever push him away because he loves me too much to ever lose me and that he doesn't ever want to live without me. Awwww, god I love him!!!

Sorry for the long ramble, but it just had to be said. Thanks to all that may read this.

Niki

[ConcernedFiencee]

My fiencee and i are the same way and we have been together almost three years (we were best friends for over a year before that). I was glad when i read your post cuz we r the same way and i was wondering if other people were like that and i guess there are some people like that. He is clingy to me to a point and im clingy to him to a point. we still go to work and stuff without each other but after work i hang out with him for a few hours and when its time for me to go home he begs me to just stay a little longer and i do then i really go home and i find i miss him and go see him again about 1 1/2 hours later. we just really love each other. we r moving in together on sept 5!!! should be great! I pretty much em living with him now though. I have to stay the night to wake him up in the morning cuz his mom is outa state for 3 weeks and his brothers all get up at diff times and forget to wake him up for work, (he is deaf) that is why i wake him up. anyways sorry fopr the ramble i just thought it was cool i found someone who is like us. well u can write back if ya want if not then o well. have fun! Have a great 6 month anniversary 2!!!!!!

[Younik]

Hey nikki i'm also the same way with my boyfreind. Me and Joel have been together for about 2 years and it's now that i thought i was going crazy lol....  boyfreinditous! I thought i was the only one that felt the way i felt in this world ......from the moment i wake up till the time i go to sleep i am always thinking about him and missing him. When we are together and it's time for him to drop me off i get real sad even though we just finish having a great day...i usualy see myself asking him to take me to the store so i can buy some candy when we are like half way to my house just to spent more time with him even though i alraedy know he will take the long way to my house like he always dose. There just something about mi love that has me toooo attached to him! I talked to him the other day about it and told him that i need to talk to him seriously about something i think is going out of hand....he got scared but then when i expressed myself to him he said it was cute and i got upset because it's realy not cute.....i just dont know how to back off......I NEED HELP!!!!!! I'm feeling selfish and like i'm a hogger!

[Aurea801]

Hi, like the last two ppl I thought I was the only one who felt like u do Niki. It's really good to know that I'm not the only one. I do believe I'm am WAY to attached to my fiance, but the thing is he loves spending as much time wtih me as I want to spend with him! but I also agree that I need my own space and so does he, but he tends to diagree with this and tells me that space will only make us grow apart and when we get married we'll be spending even more time together so he doesn't understand the space concept - I'm goin to try ad make him see that it will make our relationship stronger, not weaker. Thank's Niki for asking this question, u helped me and all the other ladies to :)

[specialmom]

I think when we love someone, it is natural to want to be with them.  That is different than NEEDING to be with them or having to be with them to feel okay.  So spend as much time with your fiance as you want as long as you don't have to be emotionally okay.  It would concern me a little bit if I wanted to do things outside of my relationship and my fiance was opposed to it.  good luck

[rubie_pink]

I would love to know if you are still with the same guy now?
I'm clingy with my boyfriend and we see each other every night but we are still both independent and have very full lives seperatley from each other as well. We feel the same way about each other so we need each other the same and look after one another equally, which makes it a really strong relashionship, hope you have found happiness anyway.

Rubie

[ellie90]

Hi Nikki and to all the girls who thought they were the only ones who feel that way.

I am like you. I'm in a two year relationship with my boyfriend to whom I feel like I love so much. I consider myself an extrovert and prior to meeting him, I used to really spend a lot of time with friends. But when we got together, suddenly most of my time was spent with him. All my emotions were suddenly focused on him. We see each other almost every day. I got too attached to the point that I get lonely when he's not with me. Like you girls, since I always expect to see you him everyday, whenever we don't, I feel really upset to the point that I cry. After two years, I still feel this way. It has changed a bit. I now enjoy time with other people. But just the same, I get upset when I don't see him in a day. He doesn't mind it. But unlike your guys, he's not like me - he doesn't mind if we don't see each other on a particular day. He's a typical guy who's career focused. I know that he loves me so much as well but he's not the needy type. Sometimes it really upsets me. I don't think I wanna feel like this forever though. It affects my productivity at work.

I'd like to know how you girls are. How long can this feeling last? I'm so happy when he's here but gets lonely when he's not. How can I change this and make myself feel better?

I would really appreciate your replies.

[marley90]

Hey everyone,
I just finished reading all of these posts after discovering this website while googling ways to become less attached.  I am in the same exact situation at you, ellie90, except I've always had a difficult time making friends.  I've been feeling very depressed and anxious lately and I think this morning I finally realized that my problem is that I'm too attached on my boyfriend.  I find myself thinking about him all of the time - to the point where I can't even focus on other things!  I feel like I've lost my own identity and things I used to like to do seem dull and lonely.  Like ellie90, my boyfriend is a very independent person.  He's career focused and doesn't mind if we don't talk or see each other everyday.  He has what he calls "preferential option."  He prefers to see me but he's good if we spend time apart, too.  That seems so reasonable to me, but I am having the absolute hardest time trying to make myself do things on my own.  

What did you ladies do to preoccupy yourselves?  What do you do when you're alone?  I can only read and watch TV and study for so long before I fall back into this awful loneliness.  How long does this take to go away?!

I would love to hear all of your insights!