Testing paternity between father and I

[gisepe]

I would like to test paternity between my father and I. We both need to be tested; however the complicating factor is that I suspect one of my father's brothers might be my real father.

What would I have to do to determine paternity with certainty?

[AnnieBrooke]

Is this your idea only, or have you and your father discussed it? Also, if resemblance is why you think the brother might be your father, please understand that resemblance in families does jump around. (My son looks a lot more like he is the child of my husband's sister than he looks like me, with the resemblance stronger as he grows up. If she had been a guy, people would probably be whispering paternity suspicions.)

Questions to ask yourself before doing any DNA testing fall into various areas:  your relationship with your father and your love for him, whether (if true) this would be a shock to him and upset his whole world, whether you want it to be true or really don't want it to be true, what a test that confirms your suspicions will mean for your relationship with your father and with your mother (not to mention your uncle) and what it might do to your father and mother's relationship. (As well as the father's and uncle's relationship.)

Also, how old are you? And, how set is your identity? Sometimes people that get unwanted news from a DNA test feel they "don't know who they are any more," even though of course, your personality is set and your life has created who you are, and that hasn't changed. I think it comes from feeling lied to by the people who love them the most, and that causes them to doubt the love of their parents. If you are heading that direction emotionally and would feel that way if a test confirmed  your fears, please remember, parents who know there is a question about paternity and step up and love and raise the child no matter what, do love their kids.

I had a child through IVF, through a donor egg. So, though I was pregnant and had the baby, biologically my son is not "mine." At the time, my doctor strongly advised me never to tell my son.  Your father and mother might have gotten similar advice. It was doubtless given in the hope that it would be happier for you not to know.

You haven't given many details (such as whether your mother seems a good person who might have made one mistake, or someone who is uncaring of consequences, and whether or not your parents are still married). That would impact any decision you might make on getting DNA tests.

Finally, if you tested without your father, mother or uncle knowing (if that's possible in your family), what would you do with that information? Say you tested with a cousin (if your uncle has other kids), you would be asking him or her to keep a secret so heavy that it's not fair to ask them to keep.

If you'd like to sketch out a few details I'd be glad to listen and advise on a plan of action going forward.