I dont know

[shanna520]

Hi,  I dont know if I am over reacting but I need some help.  My husband and I have been together for 8 years.  We have two children whom are toddlers and my stepson is 16.  The outburst always seem to be the same thing.  He makes the money so he should be able to spend it like he wants and that it is his contribution to the household.   I asked why he could not help out at home and he started with f this and that in front of all the kids.  I asked him to stop and he continued.  I told him he needed to apologize to me and the kids for his behavior and he said he would not.  I told him he has no respect for me and he said I had non for him.  His outburst are to the point where I am getting nervous that he is gonna react this way to the kids when I am not home.  I feel like I need to walk on egg shells and always ask his opinion for everything or permission.  He tells me I am stupid for asking his opinion but I tell him its cause I dont know how he will react.  Or he states that I never aks and he always forgets why he was yelling at me.  This last time he told me that he didnt know why he yelled at me just that I triggered something in him and then on Monday told me he was sorry but if I just remembered his contribution that everything would be alright.  This is not the first time, but it seems to be happening more frequent.  I am worried about my daughter specially but both my boys too.  It happens about every 6 weeks and when I told him that he told me I was crazy.  Thru the years has told me I am over sensative, stupid,. I have told him in the past if he threatened me I would leave but then he says I can't leave with is kids and its his house and well... you may get the picture.  I know you can't tell much from writing on here but is this verbal abuse or am I at fault?  I am confused.  

[shanna520]

How do I react to him?  Now he is apologizing every day and saying I love you every chance he gets and I don't know what to say to him and I dont feel like saying I love you back.  Now he is getting mad cause I have not spoken to him except to answer him in three days.  I don't know what to say.  Everytime I think of something it is to tell him how I feel and I just know he will have some reason as to why he said what he said.  I did pick up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond", but I just got it today.  I need to be cheerful for my kids right now till I figure out what to do next and its hard.  I know I'm whining, I just don't know what to do.  

[marissposa]

You are not oversensitve!  His behaviour is not okay.  

[shanna520]

I have almost completed the book and it has been very insightful.  Is there anything else I need to read?  anything else some one can recommend I maybe do?  I will start looking into some form of therapy for me shortly and then see what my options are and then have them in place before I talk to him.  That way I will know what I can or can't do.  Now nothing has happened since monday and he acting like nothing happened but I still dont want him touching me nor do I want to talk to him.  I am so tired off it all.  Thanks everyone that responded.  

[treazzure007]

Look.

That man sounds like an overgrown, tantrum throwing, bullying boy.  I dont see how some of you women put up with the first fit.  You should have put him in his place the first time he did anything inappropriate.  The same way as raising a child.  Now, it may be too late.  When people grow into their ways, it has pretty much permeated them.  

[susieq87]

Somebody obviously directed you to some eye opening material.  I was in an abusive marriage 15 years.  Eventually after beng a door mat, a whipping post, a nobody in my house, I found out about the Wheel of Control and the cycle it runs in a abusive person.  I went to therapy and became empowered of myself and I did learn that I was beaten down to where I felt so confused, I didn't knw who  was and what was real.  The truth is you are a person and you are worthy of a good life.  You will eventually learn about being victimized and hopefully, released from that position to participant.  The abusive wheel of control, codependency, are some books that may give you another way to look at things, take what you want and leave the rest.  I did leave my husband as he was also physcially abuse and I knew he was trying to break me, spirit and soul and I knew that would be the end of me at some point if it kept going on.  Some people have to wait for the straw that broke the camels back and some never find it.

[shanna520]

I didn't marry him to raise a child.  I married him to be my friend, lover and companion.  He should have already been raised.