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Support Forums for Spouses of Addicts
Does anyone know of a good online support forum for spouses of Addicts, preferably prescription pill addicts. I want to talk to others who are affected by wives or husbands who are abusing ... so that I don't feel alone. My wife is a long time abuser. I've come to realized that I'm am powerless, a meager blip on the radar that sweeps ever so cunningly for its next fix. It is obvious that nothing else is as important as hydrocodone - I don't even know who she is anymore. I work hard for our family and a good portion of the proceeds I provide are pissed away so that she can spend her time high as a kite in our bedroom that has affectively become her lair. I cannot fathom the pursuit to waste away in such wretched state. The compulsion draws lies and deceit that transcend the insult of infidelity. Does anyone else feel as cheated and offended as me? I wonder...
He did not say a word. I can tell you he probably felt like me in this next little story...
The first time I addressed my situation, I mustered the courage, grabbed a container and and calmly asked 'can you please explain this'. At first she gave me a baloney store about back pain. I stood my ground and surprised her with what I already knew. I basically told her I would support her to stop. What I remember most vividly of that time (about 7 yrs ago) was that I had never seen so much shame in her face and body language - I felt nothing but deep sorrow for the remaining wisp of dignity I saw in someone that once had so much zest. I'm sure for your husband that the toppling over containers were reminding him that your love had been evacuated. It is a somber experience that just sort of extinguishes anger...
So I'm sure you are wondering what happened with our confrontation. The next day she posted a chart that listed out the days of the week and wrote the numbers being ingested. I thought that showed courage, she succeeded and got down to zero. Of course that was bitter sweet.
I need to try again. This time armed with the support of this group...Thanks again ;)
The first time I addressed my situation, I mustered the courage, grabbed a container and and calmly asked 'can you please explain this'. At first she gave me a baloney store about back pain. I stood my ground and surprised her with what I already knew. I basically told her I would support her to stop. What I remember most vividly of that time (about 7 yrs ago) was that I had never seen so much shame in her face and body language - I felt nothing but deep sorrow for the remaining wisp of dignity I saw in someone that once had so much zest. I'm sure for your husband that the toppling over containers were reminding him that your love had been evacuated. It is a somber experience that just sort of extinguishes anger...
So I'm sure you are wondering what happened with our confrontation. The next day she posted a chart that listed out the days of the week and wrote the numbers being ingested. I thought that showed courage, she succeeded and got down to zero. Of course that was bitter sweet.
I need to try again. This time armed with the support of this group...Thanks again ;)
We are in it together...hang tough elibell07
Only one thing comes to mind right now. Your wife is really lucky to have you. That's all I'm going to say. :)
I am the mother of an opiate addict and I so understand your anger,fustration, and fear. I honestly cant tell you anything that will help with this situation. You need to figure out a way to approach your wife about her addiction. She is going to lie, deny, get defensive and mad at you. That is the reality of it all. You have to try to get her to get some help. If she wont. You need to cut all access to money from her. She will dig you so far in you will never get out. When they are in active addiction all they care about is their next fix. It is the hard reality of it all. I hope she will seek help. But you cant make her get help. It is something she has do do for herself. Hope this helps. Feel free to contact me anytime. I know all seems hopeless but as you can see on this site. People overcome this addiction everyday. It is doable. Everyone here is amazing and will help you more than you think.
Tee
Tee
Hi Tee, so sorry to hear that we share the same crooked path. We are victims of the wreckage that the addiction causes. We are punished by the drug which has scoped us on it's path. I'm fully aware that unless the addict wants to stop, the drug will continue to operate and bring out the foulest of human traits.
Some suggest that nothing can be done until rock bottom has been reached. But how far down is that? How far down will a human plunge? I feel like the hand at the top of a well.
Recently I've been thinking about the movie Trainspotting. Contrary to popular belief, this is one of the most inspirational movies you can watch. Most believe it is a glorification of Herion addiction, it is not. Rather, the message of the story is that Renton (Ewan Macgreggor) breaks the addiction. There is a song in there by Pulp called Mile end - it pinpoints exactly the nature of an addict
"I guess you have to go right down
Before you understand just how
How low, how low a human being can go"
So I'm beginning to think that it is nearing time for me to send her an email that links to this site...I see the people here are wonderful. Thankyou ;)
Some suggest that nothing can be done until rock bottom has been reached. But how far down is that? How far down will a human plunge? I feel like the hand at the top of a well.
Recently I've been thinking about the movie Trainspotting. Contrary to popular belief, this is one of the most inspirational movies you can watch. Most believe it is a glorification of Herion addiction, it is not. Rather, the message of the story is that Renton (Ewan Macgreggor) breaks the addiction. There is a song in there by Pulp called Mile end - it pinpoints exactly the nature of an addict
"I guess you have to go right down
Before you understand just how
How low, how low a human being can go"
So I'm beginning to think that it is nearing time for me to send her an email that links to this site...I see the people here are wonderful. Thankyou ;)
I feel anyone is vulnerable when it comes to addiction. I myself was never addicted to anything up until my injury. In the past I would drink but only socially and not all that often. In high school I did smoke pot a couple times but didn't enjoy so I stopped with no issues. When I first started taking vicodin for my back pain I never took more than prescribed and only as needed. This lasted for a year until I had my surgery. After my surgery the pain went away for the time being and I put the vicodin down without a problem. I did experience withdrawals though because my body became dependent. Mentally I was fine, physically I was a wreck for a week. But after awhile my pain returned from scar tissue buildup. I then went back on the pain meds to control legitimate pain. But as my tolerance grew I continued to take more and more. Eventually I was taking them not only for the pain but also for the high. I then crossed that line from being dependent to addicted. I feel this can happen to anyone if they are on them for a long enough time. I didn't have any addictive qualities at all before all of this. Looking back it's almost like I was blindsided by it. I think before any patient is prescribed narcotic pain meds they should have to go through a week long class that shows just how easy it is to become addicted. The should also show true life videos of the devastating effects the pills can have. The pharmacy does give paperwork with all scripts saying how it can be habit forming. But most of us already know that. The need to do more to make everyone aware of just how habit forming they really are.
I feel you are going about your wife's addiction in one of the best ways possible. If someone has never been addicted they have no idea what it is like. The next best way to learn about addiction is by hearing it from others. Keep reading posts on here especially new members who come on here and post. You will notice that they are full of guilt, shame, and scared out of their mind. I can almost guarantee that your wife has all of these feelings. Admitting to ourselves that we are an addict is hard enough but to actually admit it to someone else, especially a loved one, is so much more difficult. My wife still has no idea just how bad I got. She knows I was taking a few more than prescribed but but mainly thinks it was only every now and then and when I was having a bad day with the pain. I was very close quite a few times coming clean to her but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. In society the word addict has such a bad rap. Everyone non addict seems to think that every addict is like a felon. When most people hear the word addict they instantly think of some jobless, homeless person sitting behind some trash cans in a dark alley in a bad part of town with a needle hanging out of one arm and a bottle of whiskey in the other. An addict just isn't socially accepted as being a decent productive member of society. Until everyone realizes that an addict isn't a bad person but rather a sick person most addicts will keep it a secret. At least they will keep it a secret and not admit they really have a problem until someone comes along with open arms and will care and show the loving support an addict so desperately needs. That's my opinion on it at least.
I'm sure she is full of guilt, shame, anger, etc. The thing is she can't do this on her own. Even if she said today, "I'm done" and went through withdrawals for a week or two her chance of relapse is probably close to 100% unless she gets some outside support such as NA or an addiction therapist. There is no cure for addiction but we can keep it in remission. Cancer can be put in remission with the help of chemo and medications. The only medicine an addict has to keep their addiction in remission is their recovery program. Would cancer go away if the patient tried treating it on their own? No way. Neither will addiction. Until she realizes this she will more than likely continue down the path she is currently traveling. I'm sure if she could quit on her own she would have a long time ago. It's just not that easy. I'm also sure that if she could go back in time and prevent herself from taking that first pill she would. Even though I've been clean for 10 months I still wish I would have treated my pain from the get go by other means like I am doing now. But I also know I can't change the past and all I can do is make the right decisions from this day forward. That's how you will have to approach this also. Once you do get her to finally put an end to this madness you have to let her know that the slate will be wiped clean and you are ready to start over.
Continue to arm yourself with knowledge. That is really the only weapon you have right now if you want to save her life. Granted, you could divorce her and move on with your life which would make your life a bit easier but it wont save her life. You also have to realize that even once she gets clean that addiction doesn't go away. She will be an addict for the rest of her life and it will take work to stay clean. That's why once you get her into recovery she is gonna have to agree to work her recovery for the rest of her life whether it be NA, a therapist, or both. The more she does the less chance she has at relapsing although relapsing is always going to be a possibility.
One thing we recommended on here in the past to a mother of an addict was for her to try and get him on here. She also stated that her son was a very private person and didn't think she could get him on here. We had her start a thread asking everyone to type their story and where they are at now. We tried to share our thought process while in addictive addiction. The reason for sharing our thought process was to show just how similar all of stories really are. Most who come on here can't believe that so many of us share the same feelings and that our stories are so alike. We then had her print off the thread so her son could read it in hopes that he would then come on here and join us. I'm sure your wife feels so alone and feels as if there's no hope and nobody that can understand what she is dealing with. But if you can get her on here she will realize that she no longer has to feel so alone. Many don't come online until they are at the end of their rope and are desperate. Some are just playing with the thought of trying to get clean. Either way most that come here do end up at least trying to get clean. Almost everyone here that finally took the plunge will say that they could not have done it without this forum. This forum seems to give the little nudge or that little added bit of motivation that so many of us need to take that plunge.
Just keep continuing the research, take notes from what you learn and get a plan together. You have some tough work ahead of you but it can pay off. Your wife will eventually be so thankful that you stayed by her side and helped her through all of this. It may help to print of this thread that you started. I think ImDONENoMore may really be able to help your wife see the light. Her story and your wife's story seem so similar. Maybe having your wife see she made it through may help her realize that she can too. You know your wife so you have to decide how to approach this. Take baby steps though. It may take a serious ultimatum to get her to finally do this or it may just take her getting on here and reading. If you take those baby steps you may end up knowing sooner than you think whether or not you are going to have to apply more pressure or not.
I commend you for the process you are taking. You can never have too much knowledge and it show you are willing to try anything and everything. Let your wife know that we are here to help when she is ready.
Brian
I feel you are going about your wife's addiction in one of the best ways possible. If someone has never been addicted they have no idea what it is like. The next best way to learn about addiction is by hearing it from others. Keep reading posts on here especially new members who come on here and post. You will notice that they are full of guilt, shame, and scared out of their mind. I can almost guarantee that your wife has all of these feelings. Admitting to ourselves that we are an addict is hard enough but to actually admit it to someone else, especially a loved one, is so much more difficult. My wife still has no idea just how bad I got. She knows I was taking a few more than prescribed but but mainly thinks it was only every now and then and when I was having a bad day with the pain. I was very close quite a few times coming clean to her but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. In society the word addict has such a bad rap. Everyone non addict seems to think that every addict is like a felon. When most people hear the word addict they instantly think of some jobless, homeless person sitting behind some trash cans in a dark alley in a bad part of town with a needle hanging out of one arm and a bottle of whiskey in the other. An addict just isn't socially accepted as being a decent productive member of society. Until everyone realizes that an addict isn't a bad person but rather a sick person most addicts will keep it a secret. At least they will keep it a secret and not admit they really have a problem until someone comes along with open arms and will care and show the loving support an addict so desperately needs. That's my opinion on it at least.
I'm sure she is full of guilt, shame, anger, etc. The thing is she can't do this on her own. Even if she said today, "I'm done" and went through withdrawals for a week or two her chance of relapse is probably close to 100% unless she gets some outside support such as NA or an addiction therapist. There is no cure for addiction but we can keep it in remission. Cancer can be put in remission with the help of chemo and medications. The only medicine an addict has to keep their addiction in remission is their recovery program. Would cancer go away if the patient tried treating it on their own? No way. Neither will addiction. Until she realizes this she will more than likely continue down the path she is currently traveling. I'm sure if she could quit on her own she would have a long time ago. It's just not that easy. I'm also sure that if she could go back in time and prevent herself from taking that first pill she would. Even though I've been clean for 10 months I still wish I would have treated my pain from the get go by other means like I am doing now. But I also know I can't change the past and all I can do is make the right decisions from this day forward. That's how you will have to approach this also. Once you do get her to finally put an end to this madness you have to let her know that the slate will be wiped clean and you are ready to start over.
Continue to arm yourself with knowledge. That is really the only weapon you have right now if you want to save her life. Granted, you could divorce her and move on with your life which would make your life a bit easier but it wont save her life. You also have to realize that even once she gets clean that addiction doesn't go away. She will be an addict for the rest of her life and it will take work to stay clean. That's why once you get her into recovery she is gonna have to agree to work her recovery for the rest of her life whether it be NA, a therapist, or both. The more she does the less chance she has at relapsing although relapsing is always going to be a possibility.
One thing we recommended on here in the past to a mother of an addict was for her to try and get him on here. She also stated that her son was a very private person and didn't think she could get him on here. We had her start a thread asking everyone to type their story and where they are at now. We tried to share our thought process while in addictive addiction. The reason for sharing our thought process was to show just how similar all of stories really are. Most who come on here can't believe that so many of us share the same feelings and that our stories are so alike. We then had her print off the thread so her son could read it in hopes that he would then come on here and join us. I'm sure your wife feels so alone and feels as if there's no hope and nobody that can understand what she is dealing with. But if you can get her on here she will realize that she no longer has to feel so alone. Many don't come online until they are at the end of their rope and are desperate. Some are just playing with the thought of trying to get clean. Either way most that come here do end up at least trying to get clean. Almost everyone here that finally took the plunge will say that they could not have done it without this forum. This forum seems to give the little nudge or that little added bit of motivation that so many of us need to take that plunge.
Just keep continuing the research, take notes from what you learn and get a plan together. You have some tough work ahead of you but it can pay off. Your wife will eventually be so thankful that you stayed by her side and helped her through all of this. It may help to print of this thread that you started. I think ImDONENoMore may really be able to help your wife see the light. Her story and your wife's story seem so similar. Maybe having your wife see she made it through may help her realize that she can too. You know your wife so you have to decide how to approach this. Take baby steps though. It may take a serious ultimatum to get her to finally do this or it may just take her getting on here and reading. If you take those baby steps you may end up knowing sooner than you think whether or not you are going to have to apply more pressure or not.
I commend you for the process you are taking. You can never have too much knowledge and it show you are willing to try anything and everything. Let your wife know that we are here to help when she is ready.
Brian
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