Another NORCO 10/325 Diary.

[therealmattj]

Greetings to all opiate addicts. My name is Matt and I am a recovering painkiller addict. Drug of choice Norco 10/325, 60 pills a day and still not getting high. This short story is strongly directed at those of us that are thinking about relapsing. This website has recovering addicts, full blown addicts, and on and off addicts. I hope these words I am about to write touch the souls of those who are considering to relapse and to those that are wanting to get clean. I did not know if I was coming or going in life and with death, and one thing for certain was that I needed help. Lord knows I tried to "taper" off at home, god what a joke that was. I finally gave in and went to rehab/detox extremely willingly. I met several types of addicts in detox, some court ordered and some like me that really wanted to be there to change there lives. The first person I met as soon as I walked in was a guy named David W. Lowenthal of Needles California. They had me bunk and detox with him because we both had similar addictions. Although not only taking vics,perc, and oxys Dave was also addicted to Benzo's which was a whole different ballgame coming off. On my day 1 being there, Dave was already on day 7 so he had gone through the worst and was physically able to help and be there for me through withdrawls. Dave had many demons, many guilts in life, and many regrets but mostly he was just burned out and unemployed at 45 years old. He was in love with a girl that influenced him to use, and he was just stuck in a hole of pattern not able to climb out. Just like me he prayed everynight that something would happen and that he would somehow get clean, until he stumbled upon the rehab facility that took him in for free. Many nights we would reminisce on how strange the universe is and how perhaps it was god or whatever you believe in that answered our prayers and that we could not believe we were getting clean finally having thought about it every day for years and years. Days and nights go by and our transformation is uncanny, two people going from waking up in the morning counting pills out in the morning scared to run out to just straight up a clean natural high letting go of our sins and our past, constantly talking about the future and how beautiful life can be after addiction and the inspiration of changing our lives and being the best we can be without being a slave to drugs. Daves family would come visit him and make comments on how his face had changed and how good he looked and that there was life in his eyes. This guy was so fired up to get out into the world again and get his life back on track, ive never seen anything like it in my life. The counselors were constantly feeding us with the knowledge of how difficult it is to go back to your living situation and the environment that you are used to doing drugs in. In Daves case, he had a wife that was at home still poppin pills that never wanted help and was actually pissed that Dave left her all alone to get clean. Such manipulation, like they say "misery loves company". So here we are, a day away from checking out, there is something so magical about having a friend see you at your worst and know your struggles more then your family and best friends, I mean this guy was a stranger to me yet what we went through together bonded us on a level that I can not describe. Soul brothers I guess. We are sitting outside at night and just going through all the horrible things that drugs did to us and how much we hated them, and the revelation of this re birth, we are on the otherside now, we see the light again and we cant deny that we were saved and given a second chance, THERE WAS NO WAY THAT WE WOULD RELAPSE. The thrill is gone. Its done, it was a phase that we left behind. The next day we finally check out and hug in tears and promise to talk every week, and I even offered for him to come out to Hollywood to stay with me and I can get him work and he agreed, he just needed to go back to his home and "clear things up with his lady and explain to her that it is over". I never in my life seen anyone walk away with such promise and such inspiration to change his life and to live the right way, the clean way. So we go home, and 5 days later he calls me, "Matt, right when I got home I got a call from this dream job I applied for before I went into rehab and they hired me and I am already working for them right now and have money coming in"!! "wow Dave that is amazing brother, see what happens when you take care of yourself and seek the truth, you get rewarded" So so so cool I couldnt be any happier for this guy. Next week I call him, 2 weeks out of rehab same thing same story, he is a man again supporting his family just killing it staying clean and reunited with his father and sons who shunned him during the addiction. 1 week later, just 3 weeks out of rehab, I call Dave, his wife picks up the phone, DAVE IS DEAD :(.... ............ Turns out that in the midst of all this greatness Dave was experiencing he forgot about the disease of addiction, and how no matter where you are in life good or bad, that it is a daily struggle that needs to be addressed. All it took was one thought and one minute and one purchase. He didn't realize that his body's tolerance was back to a normal level and he made the fatal mistake of taking the amount of pills he did before he got clean. For some reason he was triggered and for some unexplained reason he just went for it but it was to much. The irony is that ill never forget him telling me "this is my last chance in life to get clean, if this doesnt work i know that I am checking out of life". Dave didn't even have a chance to wake up in the morning and bounce back from the relapse or to call me for help. I keep going to this place in my head of how I could of prevented it or how can someone just throw it all away again after being so inspired and so strong. The only conclusion I have is that we cant. We can shove so much advise down your throat and post on this website how to get clean chemically, and inspire you with our stories but what I have learned is that the withdrawls are just such a small part of sobriety.... staying clean and the will to live life drug free comes from within us, and that is the real challenge. Is death and loosing you really worth a four hour high before bed time. In conclusion to all of this the point of this story is those of us who feel like relapsing, it is more serious then we think. For those of you that have day 4 down or day 7 down or day 10 down, just keep going please dont stop. It is so much better on this side of the line and you never know when you that last dose may end it for you, and if you are thinking about relapsing please reach out to us, please please please know that so many of us have walked the road you are walking and there is always help and open arms here and all around you. Don't destroy what you are building, it will pass, there is a place for you in this world and beautiful gorgeous place that so above taking pills and destroying yourself. Feel free to direct msg me if you would like to get personal. All of my respect to you all, wherever you are in your sobriety just think very hard and reach out before you go backwards. Thank you for your time and for reading this and thank you to the medhelp team that allows us to share our stories and the tools to help!

[donewitis]

I just want to thank you for sharing Dave with us. So very sad... and so very easy to 'forget' how bad it was and go back to the horror that is addiction..and quite possibly not make it back. I am very sorry that you lost a good friend. You write so well..i could almost 'see' Dave..how hard he fought..his gratitude for getting clean..the gift of a job..etc. The one thing that does pop out is the girlfriend continuing to use. We all know that expression, People, Places and Things. So sad.

[all_alone1]

I am still crying while I am typing this.  It is a sad story but one that surely needed to be told. AND I FOR ONE, needed to hear it. Painkillers didn't seem so dangerous to me until I came across this site. I am learning new thing every day I am on here not just about what I am reading, but about myself and who I really am- who I have now become. I was stupid to think that they were not hurting me. And even stupider (sorry I know that isn't a real word) to think I want an addict and it wasn't harming my whole family. So thank you for posting this. And thank everyone of you in here to talk or rather type the good and bad they are feeling and sharing it with someone like me. You all rock!!!!

[therealmattj]

To everyone who posted a relpy to the story, thank you all so much for the kind words, you people are the ones that keep me going and clean so sending you all of my love and respect. Seriously no words to thank you all.

[therealmattj]

@elemenoh.. wells said, its crazy this whole thing.

[magnoliaooo]

    Thank you so much for your post. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend but thank you for taking the time to share this with us, it really touched me and I thank you for sharing your story with all of us. It was so powerful and it really makes me grateful to be pill free.

[selfinduced]

Speechless....So sorry for you and his family. What a brave guy you are to share what has to be such a gut wrenching story in hopes of making us all pause before we act. Thank you xo

[littlebit667]

Thank you for sharing.  I am sorry you lost your friend.  The story really tells it all.  

[vicki595]

Thanks Matt...but this has to be just horrible for you and I'm so sorry...Jesus!!    You know????  So sad...

Now, you'll go on for yourself AND for Dave. He gave you so much and you're giving it back. That's the way...stay blessed.

[Innerstrength67]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Matt, your post blew me away! I'm so glad you posted that story. As I was reading it, I just knew how it was going to end. So heartbreaking.
Addiction is powerful and like you said, WD is only a part of it. I usually advise people to seek aftercare in whatever way works. I go to NA and it really helps me. So does this site. I can't believe all the people who tell my story. Blows my mind.
I'm working at a pain clinic right now, ton of addicts, and I know they dispense meds. I'm 17 days clean and craving. I reached out to other addicts. I made some calls.
I will do whatever it takes!!!
I know everyone will be inspired by your story.
Your a miracle and thank you Matt!

[Laps]

Wow! So sorry to hear about your friend and your story. On a good note thanks for being strong enough and thoughtful enough to share it with us. I too am a recovering addict, norco 10/325, 25-30 a day. I'm on day 16 and feeling stronger and stronger each day. I have no desire to go back, but then again, who does? I pray all day everyday that i stay clean and for God to give me the strength to endure this and move forward. Good luck, thank you for your story.Laps

[el_em_en_oh]

I'll venture a guess that many of us here have similar stories to tell.

I know I do. Lost my rehab-roomie in the EXACT same way.

Deep brother... deep.