oh the guilt

[Some_life1976]

day nine! i am so happy about that but i  cant shake the guilt and disgust of everything i did to get the pills all the money i spent that we didnt have. all the times i told my boys we didnt have enough money to that when i was just sitting on it waiting for a call. what can i do to ease the pain of this alittle? i look at there little faces and think god you deserve so much more then that! and they still give me hugs and tell me they love me so much they had no idea what i was doing but i do and when they tell me they love me it hurts more i feel like i dont deserve there love right now i now that strange but i just feel crappy abut what ive done i have the best kids in the world and i cant help but to think they deserve more sorry just needed to vent alittle

[Some_life1976]

thanks so much for your kind words! I was in need of them. I always said i would never do the things my father did to my kids! different addiction but same actions i am just greatful i quit before they really new what was going on! thank you thank you THANK YOU!!

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

What a WONDERFUL POST.. You SAID it ALL!  

Great words of wisdom....

Anyone and EVERYONE.. please read Some_life1976  Post above as they have EVERYTHING to say and... say it SOOOO WELL!

[Axl_0113]

I know what you mean.  I did the same exact things when I was on those stupid pills.  "no....we can't go to the zoo...we don't have money for that".  Oh- there's my dealer calling!

It was stupid, and in a way, it was our fault, but in a way it wasn't.  I mean- we all are responsible for our actions, however, everyone makes mistakes.  You and I are only human, and the next time you are feeling guilty...just think about the fact that you decided to change, and give yourself, and your kids, and the rest of your family a better life.  A better you!  You came to the descision to change for a reason....and the reason is for them..for you...for whoever.  The point is, your reasons were strong enough to get you to finally make a change, and stick to it this time.  Be happy that they are still in you life for you to love and to enjoy.  I know it's hard becuase of everything that has happened, but you are only human.  We all make mistakes.  Be happy that they are still in your life.  Love and enjoy them NOW that things are different.  Make a promise to yourself that you will NEVER go down that road again...and that you will never hurt them again.  Im proud of you girl, and you should be proud of yourself.  It's okay and normal to feel guilt over what happened, but, at the same time, you should have a overwhelming sence of accomplishment and pride that outshines the bad feelings.
You are a good person....and you are proving that right now!  Cheer up!  <3

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

Oh sweet pea.. MY heart goes out to you...

I found that EVERYTIME I LOOKED into my son's (and husbands) eyes.. I saw a REFLECTION of MYSELF... Something that HURT but ALSO felt GOOD..

You are on the brink of your recovery.. and, although it SEEMS like this time will never pass.. IT WILL... You WILL be a BETTER person.. You WILL feel BETTER... You WILL get your LIFE BACK.... it just takes TIME... TIME being your biggest al-lie.

Just try to remember that it took you awhile to get to WHERE you're at.. and it will take you awhile to COME BACK... You will feel better SOON.
.
Just LOOK at ALL YOU HAVE.. and remember how much you are LOVED!!!

Love, Hugs and Prayers your way!

NorcoQueenoftheUniverse

[Some_life1976]

thanks so much! it makes me feel better to know others have been there and yes i am a better person to be around i need to keep that in mind thank you

[Astray]

As I've sobered up its been a series of horrifying revelations about what I've done to my brain body and the people around me over the last ten years. So, yes, theres guilt. Plus theres chemically induced guilt due to the withdrawal added on top.

None of us decided to do this to ourselves though, we've got to view it as something that happened. If you had had a car accident and spent the same time and money due to the effects of that would you feel as bad about it? The addiction did all those bad things not you, you can be responsible now and save yourself. The past cannot be changed but the future is in your hands.

You will be a far better person to be around than you were, I expect you already are. Treasure the fact you've found the strength to save yourself and to do right by yourself and your family. This seems to be turning into a bit of a mantra for me but don't beat yourself up!