Feeling inferior

[wanttobeclean]

Its tough for me to put into words, but I've been clean off oxycodone for almost a year now.  But I still feel shame. And llike I'm not good enough.  Particularly with my husband.  He says all the right things (meaning he respects me and loves me etc) and does all the right things, but I still feel like he's just faking.  Like deep down, he has lost his respect or lost the love.  I have point blank asked him and he says no.  So I'm thinking its me.  I just constantly feel I'm being evaluated and judged and never quite measure up.  I'm not a good enough wife, or a good enough mom or a good enough whatever.  I am trying to do serious reflection to make sure I'm doing all the right things, but I just cant seem to shake this weight of addiction.  It's made me feel like less of a person.  And it's so crazy, because if anyone else said something like this to me, I'd tell them how strong they are and how great they are doing, but when it's me, I just feel like it doesn't pertain to me.  I'm different.  Crazy talk...stinkin' thinkin'...all that doesn't seem to help.  Any ideas for me?

[Florida_Guy737]

It's really a mind over matter - if you don't mind then it don't matter.  No one can hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself so why would anyone do that?  Probably a vicious cycle of undermining ones own worth.

If you think just for one time all the energy that goes into this behavior and then think about what good that energy could do if applied somewhere positive, you'll soon realize that time and energy are valuable finite assets not to be wasted.

What's your passion?  Find it, get it, own it!  Don't worry about anyone else but get your groove on and go after that passion that makes you.

Guy

[merrymaria]

hi amy...i know what you are saying...i feel the same thing...or it s like someone is just waiting for me to relapse...esp where i work.  so many pill deals right before my eyes...it s so very hard to see but on the other hand makes me strong...i think it s just us thinking paranoid thoughts...i know i do sometimes...but i know who i am and i have really come to feel that i don t care what people think of me...i know i m good and you are too.  a few more weeks to our BIG celebration...can t wait...ttyvs...maria :)

[wanttobeclean]

Thanks IBKleen.

This place has been my aftercare.  Along with reading some 12 step literature. But I have been thinking about trying the actual meetings.  While everyone here is wonderful, I think the actual presence of people physically together who understand might be even better.  

I know this type of feeling is a red flag for relapse. I guess it's telling me I have to work harder at this than I have been.

[IBKleen]

I am sorry you are feeling this way but I have to tell you, it is quite common. Sometimes the guilt and the shame gets the best of us and we don't even realize that is what it is.

Are you in any sort of aftercare program? I cannot stress enough just how important it is to deal with the mental part of this disease.

I hope you make a decision to do aftercare. I have seen too many people go back to using because of their "stinkin thinkin"....