I dont get it I wish someone could explain it to me

[yoyoyo333]

I dont get it and I dont think I ever will!! I understand everything about oxys from my boyfriends addiction for 5 years now. Every lie possible and thousands of broken promises. I dont get how its that really that strong. In the first couple years I have went from crying myself to sleep thinking there was something I could do or say to save him. Begging on my knees sobbing to Please Love Us More!!! me and his babies Please just love us more this one time. He would soon be gone going to buy oxys or get a front until it got his. Thats pain! when a man will spend every penny on it without buying food or diapers for his kids then the next day be dope sick in bed for days on end while I stress about what we are going to do. Over the years I have tried everything. I have been through every emotion. My babies and I have brought him to rehab twice and he left after a day or so each time. At worst he had taken little more than 40 oxys in one day 20's. He is addicted to snorting them also the whole process. He has begged me to hold them for him to give him only so many. about 3 times now he has attacked me infront of our kids to get the bottle from me, with 2 pills left in it. for 2 pills? the kids are terrified when he walks into a room. they say things like dont hit mommy dont break her. But the worst of all he left subs out for a min I didnt know our baby ate it I cant tell you or describe to you  there are no words he was so high .. I brought him to the er of course and thank god he was ok. an innocent baby but he doesnt stop  I dont get how its that strong. I dont get it. I would die for my kids do anything to protect them. I cant continue to do this anymore. I know I cant help him.  there isnt anything I can say or do. its not safe he drops stuff or leaves it laying around and I cant let him hurt us anymore. I dont have anything left anymore I have nothing. I dont get how that little blue pill has that much control over a person..to do those things to your own children and family. He is sick every month prob half of it until his appt. and he lays in bed. I have no sympathy for it anymore that dope sick feeling is nothing compared to the real pain we go through everyday trying to fight for the people we love when they dont even want to fight for themselves. To have children with someone and that little blue pill is worth more to him than us. Not being able to do anything about anything. We dont get to make those choices, we have to live with yours. I wont do that anymore.  I wish everyone coming forward with their own addiction all the strength to get well. Im sorry I dont want this comment to upset anyone, it so real to me. addiction is a selfish disease and u do have to do it for yourself first. But it breaks my heart for the family. For the wives or husbands mothers or fathers brothers and sisters but most of all the kids!!! it doesnt matter how young or old they are they are all affected by it wether we can all admit it or not. For years I have tried to not give up on him. To be there for him. I never wanted him to feel like no one cared and alone. the past year it has gotten worse and I cant put my kids and myself in that situation anymore. I cant stick by him and fight a battle he isnt fighting for himself. Through every emotion I went through it has turned into anger. I am angry. Im upset at him, im upset at these doctors, im upset at other addicts that do this tho their families. I dont know how to deal with those feelings I feel so broken down and exhausted. I dont know how he keeps doing this. I am not sure what the long term effects of high doses of oxys and snorting them are but. even when he isnt sick things scare me. His breathing at night when sleeping is scary. It sounds like someone is drowning heavy breathing like gasping for air and what seems like forever but prob 30secs to a min without breathing and then deep breathing like u cant catch your breath. Movement that actually pushes bed away from the wall like mini seizures. He has said there were a few times that he was going to call ambulance cause he thought he might be having a heartattack and I just have this feeling that if he continues to do this something bad is going to happen soon. I think he is aware of that too but would never say it. The other day I told him straight up that he needed to write letters for the kids when they get older. Just in case something did happen. I grew up in a house of addicts and as kids u dont get it u wonder why they didnt love you  more than the drug. Why cant u love me enough to stop. I asked him what do I tell them now and when they are older when u die from this. I said I dont know what I am suppose to tell them. So I told him to write them letters and when they are older maybe it would help in some way.

[allaboutmary]

So many of us addicts have done things we thought we would never do, just to get more pills. The shame and guilt is something we all must deal with when and if we get clean.

First thing.....you need to protect yourself and your children. Don't stick around hoping he will get sober. He has to want this very badly and even then it's very difficult.

[PromisedLand]

YoYo...I wish I had the answers, but my heart breaks for you and I'm sitting here in tears reading this...May God help you find the answers (and he will through folks in here) and protect you and your precious babies.


Jim

[teko]

You have done a fantastic job of describing the life and times of living with an addict. YOU can do nothing to help him, it is his journey and he must walk it. You on the other hand have to think about your priorities right now. You are married to a drug and the man you had a relationship is on vacation, so to speak.  You must do what it takes to keep your children safe and provide a healthy environment for them. This promise you took on when you gave birth to them.  Hopefully while you are doing that, your man will come to his senses. But dont bet on it. Drugs do not affect only the person who takes them but also all those who know and love them.  I understand your anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal firsthand. But you have to move to care for those children because all this is doing major major damage to them. Only you can stop it.