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A LAUGH A DAY....
HEY Y'ALL! ANYONE HEARD ANY GOOD JOKES LATELY?
(HERE'S MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE CAUSE)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
HOPE THIS AT LEAST GOT A GRIN OUTTA YA!
(HERE'S MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE CAUSE)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
HOPE THIS AT LEAST GOT A GRIN OUTTA YA!
Best Answer
Proverbs As Told By Children
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:
As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!
A penny saved is... not much.
Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
**Frosted Flakes**
I've met some SUPER intelligent blondes along the way but I still get a chuckle at blonde jokes from time to time. Hope y'all do as well... I'm sure you have already heard all the blonde jokes goin around but thought I'd share anyway :)
**Frosted Flakes**
I've met some SUPER intelligent blondes along the way but I still get a chuckle at blonde jokes from time to time. Hope y'all do as well... I'm sure you have already heard all the blonde jokes goin around but thought I'd share anyway :)
Blonde Detective Training
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The first blonde answers, That is easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!
The policeman says, Well...uh...that is because the picture shows his profile.
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!
The policeman angrily responds, What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
That's easy, the blonde replied. He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The first blonde answers, That is easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!
The policeman says, Well...uh...that is because the picture shows his profile.
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!
The policeman angrily responds, What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
That's easy, the blonde replied. He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
Jerry has been seeing a psychoanalyst for 4 years for the fear that he had green monsters under his bed. Been years since he had a good night's sleep. Further�more, his progress was not very good, and he knew it. So, he stoped seeing the Psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Jerry's former Psychoanalyst runs into Jerry, his old client in the Supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. Jerry says, "It's amazing! I'm t cured!" "That's great news!" the Psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "Went and saw another doctor," Jerry says enthuSi� astically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredible. "Yeah,' continues Jerry, "my new doctor is a ehaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the Psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
Bernie feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doc, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peggie, what's for dinner?' 'For goodness sake, Bernie, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
LOL you guys are to much!!
On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side before he�s hit by a bus. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd, but there is no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A priest, please!" repeats the dying man. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I�m not a priest. I�m not even a Catholic. But for 50 years now I�ve been living behind St. Elizabeth�s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72."
On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side before he�s hit by a bus. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd, but there is no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A priest, please!" repeats the dying man. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I�m not a priest. I�m not even a Catholic. But for 50 years now I�ve been living behind St. Elizabeth�s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72."
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
That's what I thought too..... Way off topic but after that 10 hours of sleep last night I have felt so on top of my game! Deep cleaned my entire house! God it felt so good!
Good stuff chica! Thank you so much for doing this. We can all use a few more laughs and smiles in our lives. :)
The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What's that phone for?" he asks. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" the Pope replies. The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while. After he hangs up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up." The Pope doesn't want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.", which the Rabbi gladly pays. A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Rabbi's chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some urgent matt ers he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him the phone and the Pope chats away. After he hangs up, he says: "Now I also want to pay for my charges on your phone." The Rabbi looks on the counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner. Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead. When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles. God asked Satan wha t he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?" God replied, "Everybody knows --JESUS SAVES!
Yours was very funny too! I love this kind of stuff. We can all certainly use the laughs. Keep 'em coming people! ;)
Ang that is one of the best jokes I've heard in a while, so so funny! Cheers sis, ;)
All above are great too, keep it up all!
All above are great too, keep it up all!
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
People say ‘I'm taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Dig, ;)
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Dig, ;)
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So.... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' The priest asks, 'What did you do?' The woman says, 'I committed adultery.' The priest says, 'How many times?' And the woman replies, 'Three.' Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.' A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.' 'What did you do?' I committed adultery.' r 'How many times?' 'Three times.' The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.' The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' The rabbi says, 'What did you do?' The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.' The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?' The woman replies, 'Once.' The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day Sister Eulalia was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger from teh night before waiting. Without a word he handed her a roll of bills.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“That’s the 60 bucks you have coming. Don’t Despair won by a nose in the fifth and paid five to one.”.