Getting to know your wife after 10 years of forgetting

[Stevo977]

I do not know if anyone has experienced a similar situation but the first 8 years or so of my marriage I was drunk and high 99% of the time. During that period, I isolated myself and my wife was forced to find other interests since I was basically useless.

Now that I have been sober a year with eyes wide open and it seems the tables have turned. She has never done a drug and never drank much. She would always beg and plead for me to talk to her, tell me almost daily how bad she wants me to change and now that have done everything right, the grudge still remains. I have worked so hard into rebuilding our relationship. I even cook dinner nightly and the last week I have made many meals from scratch. I clean house and take care of the pets and let her even watch the chic-flicks I hate! The most difficult thing is rekindling that emotional connection that I know is detrimental and is far greater than the superficial things that I am currently doing. I seem to be stumped on this one. I am 8 years removed from the Marine Corps and was always taught to maintain my bearings and to not show emotion. One would think I would forget those brainwashing, but I just cannot overcome that aspect.

Truth is that I care so deeply, but cannot show it in the way that makes her feel that I am there and want to be as one like when we first got married. Any thoughts? We did do some marriage counseling, but she didn't like airing our dirty laundry so that didn't work out. I hate those long drawn out discussions about feelings but I know that is needed and have tried to initiate them to no-avail. It seems she still holds deep resentment for me when I ignored her all those years. It is my fault, but for the life of me, I cannot let her to let go of the past and work with me to restore what was once a perfect marriage.

She is my soulmate and any seperation or divorce is completely out of the question.

Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm concerning doing the marriage counseling on my own, but I just think the point is for both of us to attend. It can only help us right?

[Stevo977]

Thanks for the support everyone. Each of you has given me great advice. The hard part is putting it into action. I appreciate the responses and will work harder to be the man she fell in love with. I must say though, this is much harder than quitting drugs. Thanks everyone.

[kajama]

I agree with dominosarah, but just in my opinon, throughout your addiction she took care of you, tried to help you, she knew you needed her, and now that u are sober maybe she feels u don't need her anymore. For the first time in awhile she is not consumed with your life.  She needs to find herself and discover a whole new life for the both of you. I know first hand about being married to a military guy that shows very little emotion, and  it did make me feel like he didn't care about me or things I do are not important. But the biggest key is communication.  Just like you overcame ur addiction, u need to practice being a little more transparent to ur wife.  I wish u the best and not sure if this even pertains to u but just thought i would share :)

[trdofbeingtrd]

I would suggest you show her this post.

Sorry I am not of more help.

[dominosarah]

I am sure she is still waiting for the ball to drop again.  Sounds like she has a wall built and reinforced it.  She probably thinks the minute she lets her guard down and she allows herself to feel again she will get hurt.  Pretty common feeling for our loved ones.  They took the brunt of our addiction.  Give it some time.  Let her see and feel your actions as they speak louder than words.  It would be nice to see her get some sort of counseling as i am sure she is harboring alot of resentments.  Just take baby steps with her.  She will come around.  Counseling for you wouldnt hurt either.  We can never get enough of that it seems!!!       sara