Lulu747

[Tornado2]

I read all your comments to everyone and they are so supportive and motivating! I was wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing your story?

[lulu747]

I totally agree with you.  When I got clean I did not just do ONE thing- I came at my recovery from every angle that I could think of.  I had hit my rock bottom and I had NO desire to ever, ever go back there and so I did whatever I could think of to tackle that B*#&$!

I am so happy I did.  My recovery was (still is) a magical journey where I am constantly reminded if I just surrender and ask for support, it appears in many forms.  In a lot of ways- it just restored my faith in humanity and my faith in myself.  I know that when I first got clean I didn't think I would ever be able to trust myself ever again.  I'd lost my inner voice- or I'd ignored her so long that she'd stopped talking to me.  But this wasn't true.  It was my inner voice that told me to put down the pills and jump- and I listened.  Now her voice is stronger and stronger- the more I listen, the more she talks to me.
This was something we discussed a LOT in SMART.

Thanks everyone for asking me to share.  It's important for us to look back and take inventory of where we were and how we got where we are now.
Love
Lu

[ActingBrandNew]

Thanks for sharing and the info. Ive heard a lot about SMART but never met anybody that had went. It sounds like a great program. I also only like going to groups that are only men. It filters out the riff raff IMO. I feel like meetings should only be same sex so there are no distractions. Too many people go to meetings to hook up or prey on vulnerable people. Meetings of any kind should be strictly about recovery and growth. Anyways, thanks again. People need to know that there are other types of groups/meetings out there. Especially when the current one they are doing isn't working. I was told for years that I must be working "the" program wrong because I kept relapsing. I believed it so I kept trying to no avail. Finally, I tried something different. Been clean 4+ years now. Not everything works for the same person.

[lulu747]

Hey Yes I would love to talk a little about SMART.  The programs are different depending where you are- I went to the women's centre here.  It was a 16 step 4 point program that focused on self empowerment, learning coping tools, changing negative self talk into positive, learning tools to help live in more balance.  Examining past beliefs and behaviours and working on changing them through group brainstorming.  I loved it because it was Women Only- and at that time I was so raw from the abuse in my marriage.  I felt safe and free to explore things.  I also liked that it was not God Centred.  While I am a very spiritual person, and I do believe in a higher power, I do not believe in one God.  SMART is also based on the science of addiction- and I loved learning about the factual scientific basics of addiction.  We spent a lot of time looking at family history, writing our personal histories, and family histories.  It was interesting to see the tree branches of addiction in my family and where they stemmed from.  While I have no addiction in my immediate family- 2 of my Dad's siblings and 2 of my mom's siblings are alcoholics.  I never grew up with addiction in my life, but I had some trauma in childhood that made me drawn to addicts in my adulthood.  My second real relationship was with a raging alcoholic and my second marriage was to an alcoholic coke head.  I was able to look at my childhood and the belief systems I held.  I was the perfect child who never did anything wrong, never got in trouble, got perfect marks in school.  I am your typical Type A+ personality overachiever.  I learned how this made me susceptible because of my need to appear perfect and not rock the boat.  I am also a control freak.
So yes, SMART was awesome for me.  And it was from this group that I formed a group of my own where we used writing and drama to tell our stories and educate our community about abuse and addiction.
SMART is all about empowerment.  I highly recommend it.
xo
Lu

[ActingBrandNew]

I hope and pray you get your surgery soon. You mentioned SMART in your story. Ive heard of it but have never been to a meeting myself. From what Ive read I really like the concept. If you dont mind, can you share your experiences with SMART? A lot of people who aren't successful with NA dont really know that there are other programs/groups out there so if you can tell us about it that would be nice.

[Amandag78]

xoxoxoxoxo

[lulu747]

Thank you lovely MH peeps...
I have found the hardest part of the last few days is holding on to hope when I feel helpless.  What I have learned is helpless and hopeless are NOT the same things....And as long as you have hope, there is help.  This is a great exercise in patience for me.  And because I am a stalwart believer that everything happens for a reason...There must be reason for this suffering.
A good friend of mine- student- posted on my FB timeline this morning that With Great Suffering Comes Great Wisdom.
I hope so.
I do know that my eyes are open....Wide open.
Love you all
xo
Lu

[weaver71]

I know it's been rough, but you glow with what it has taught you. Your knowledge of herbs, nutrients, diet are right on. You really stand out to me, just wanted to point out what good has manifest in your journey and that I appreciate it. I'm so glad you are here. I always talk about focusing on being good instead of feeling good. I imagine you can relate to that concept. Thanks for your knowledge and inspiration lulu.

[jugglin]

Prayers out to you Lu!  Wishing you the very best in life and I know that God has a special plan for you!

[Sonrissa]

Hi Lu, it was good to read your story.  I hadn't known the whole thing, only bits and pieces. You've been through so much, and yet you never gave up, and you've  worked so hard. You overcame all of your struggles once, and I have complete faith that you will once again prevail. I am truly inspired by you.  Even while going through all of this unimanigable pain, you still come here and encourage and motivate and inspire others.  

Take care, Lu!  You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you the best.

[lulu747]

Wow thanks Tornado!
I don't mind at all.  I joined MH in December 2011 when I was feeling completely lost and near suicidal after many years of chronic pain and illness and the subsequent opiate addiction that came with it.  I had been through 5 surgeries in 6 years and had lost almost everything that made me, me.  I was taking pain meds legitimately for pain but in 2010 I underwent complete pelvic reconstruction for severe stage 4 endometriosis.  Shortly afterwards my alcoholic/coke addict husband began abusing me verbally and sexually, in turn I began to use my meds to numb the emotional pain and not just the physical.   I nearly died several times due to bad drug reactions, and twice I OD'd on opiates and sleeping meds.  I was dying.  So I left him.  I got out and very slowly I began putting my life back together.  I was on massive amounts of opiates- 75 mcg of Fentanyl and up to 80 mg of dilaudid for breakthrough pain a day.  I tapered the fentanyl until I was able to switch to an oral opiate (Oxycontin)  I continued to taper from there.  I was miserable.  I wanted to die.  I was living in my parents basement suite having left my marriage and my home.  I had not worked in 6 years due to my illness.  I was completely isolated and had no friends left.  They were all helpless to help me and I drove them away.  So on December 4/2011 I made the choice to jump.
I came here and received the most wonderful help and support and unconditional love.  I surrendered completely to the process and I actually quite enjoyed detox.
Sounds crazy, I know.  
The physical w/d was pretty hellish but each day I felt a piece of my authentic self return to me and I was SO happy to see her.  I thought she was gone forever.
I listened to the kind folks on this forum and got very involved in a rigorous aftercare program.  I did addictions counselling, Smart Recovery, CBT, and EMDR for my PTSD.  Within a few months I was the head of a support group where I helped women in similar situations to mine tell their stories.  I am an actor/teacher and director and I used these skills to share with the community the truths about addiction and abuse...Including my own.  It was so empowering.  
By July of 2012 I was in great shape.  My illnesses were all in remission and I found I was able to manage my pain with a daily yoga practice and good nutrition.  I bought my own home and opened my own business.
I worked very, very hard on myself and not only found the real me- but was able to create a life for myself that I never even dreamed possible.
I met a wonderful man and fell in love.  We decided we wanted to have a baby.  Then, in October 2013 my endo symptoms began to return.  I was in denial and kept pushing.  By February 2014 I was in debilitating pain and realized I was in trouble.  I went back to see my surgeon and she was able to confirm that yes my endo was back full force and I needed surgery.  She put me on hormones to stop my bleeding and told me I would be booked for surgery at the end of June.  By April, I was in so much pain I was in danger of losing my business (which I've put my whole heart and soul into) because of the extreme debilitating pain- and so I finally relented and went back on pain meds.  I hate them.  It has been an incredible struggle for me as I had sworn I would never take another ever again....But I had managed to forget about my very real chronic illness. Unfortunately opiates are my only option as I have Crohn's disease and am unable to take NSAIDS.

And so here I am- fighting for my life and sanity again.  Still working my recovery, waiting for a surgery that keeps being delayed due to issues in my surgeon's personal life.

It is so very very hard.  But I have been through hell and survived to tell the tale, and so I will do so again.  Now, I have so much more to live for- I have everything in my life that I could possibly wish for....I just need this surgery, and then some healing, and then hopefully if all goes well....A baby.

That is my story.  Thank you for asking.
Love,
Lu