Aa
My Story...feel free to comment. or ask questions or comment.
This is my addiction story. This is going to be long, just a warning, but if my story can help someone relate, or recover, or if it inspires just one person to make a change, than thats all I hope for. Feel free to ask me anything, I'm very open about my addiction and problems. Thanks!
Background in a nutshell on me: I'm bi-polar, and had post partum depression at the time my addiction began. Over the years, I have used psych meds on and off, and have pretty much lost faith in the medical/psych community at this point after all I've been through. I'm a 33 yr old mom of 2 little kids, married, and disabled (directly relates to the drug introduction and abuse).
After my first baby in 06, post partum kicked in as well as the bi-polar, which I hadn't been medicated for in the past 10 yrs and was functioning normally for me, I was getting by pretty well with jobs and relationships and just life in general. My mom died suddenly after a short illness the week before my baby was turning 1, and this turned my world inside out and started the ball rolling. I couldn't process everything that just happened in a short period of time : buying our first house, getting married, having a baby, and losing my mom along with my mental status, and dealing with a chronic and permenant back injury, constant pain every day. (recovering from a c-section, as well as my back pain too, and having no sympathy or help from my husband what so ever). I fell down the stairs at work at 4 months pregnant and because my pelvis was softening to accomidate the baby, and the way I turned to avoid injuring my baby, I injured my discs worse than I would have if I wasn't pregnant.
So for about 2 yrs, ultimately I became addicted to norco/percoset/vicoden...anything that was an opiate that I could get my hands on. I was going to pain management for the regular Rx, but getting them from another Dr. and the internet too. At the height of my addiction, I was taking up to 50 pills a day (10/300 norcos). I was also smoking pot, and doing coke randomly, as well as seeing a psyche dr who was ALL about the meds, and had me on tons of heavy duty stuff (serequil, ambien, valium, ect). One to wake me up in the morning, one for anxiety, one to put me to sleep, on top of all the extra norcos I was taking all day, every day. It stopped the physical pain, and for a long time the mental pain as well. I was taking so many meds every day, I'm shocked I didn't die and that my liver still works.
Anyone who's addicted to opiated knows the withdrawls that happen after even a few hours of not having the pills...the mental as well as the physical stuff. I had to be left alone, I couldn't deal with anyone at all, and the physical pain was unbearable. The Fedex guy was my best friend; waiting for my pills to be overnighted was the hilight of my day and then the pills were gone in a matter of days, no matter how many times I made a deal with myself, or counted and recounted them to make sure I had enough to last, or whatever I did to mentally justify my addiction.
The pills gave me so much energy to clean, cook, and just deal with life in general. If i didnt have them, I was crippled physically and mentally. I was financially draining our family, my husband worked 3 jobs and I was just charging all the pills on our credit cards.
Finally, it was to the point that I wasnt getting high anymore at 50 pills a day, and I was just taking them to make sure I wouldnt go through withdrawls. I know you can relate to this. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I knew I needed to stop, but didn't know how. I knew that I was addicted, but really didn't concider myself an addict, since it was a RX, and not buying heroin on the streets, but what I didn't realize till i went inpatient was the pills I was taking were more potent and cleaner than any heroin I could have gotten on the street. When I actually concidered getting some heroin because I ran out of pills & couldn't get any at all from anywhere is when I decided to get help. It was wrecking my whole existance!
I went inpatient for detox, it took 10 days of medical detox in a mental health hospital. Those were the worst 10 days of my life. Physically, even though they were weaning me off of them, taking 8 pills a day was like going cold turkey...from 50 pills to 8 a day was a joke! I was so intensly sick, I thought being dead would be better at this point! Shitting my brains out, sweating, being cold, cramps all over my body, nausia, wanting to just sleep but not being able to, it was the worst time of my life, and I never wish this kind of detox on anyone; the mini day long withdrawls I suffered from when I ran out of pills was no indication of what full blown detox was going to be like. But if I hadn't expierenced that, I think...no, I KNOW I'd be back on them right now.
It's been about 3 years since I detoxed from pills, and I also had to get rid of my psych Dr, since he was overmedicating me too on so many psych Rx's, that was a huge issue as well. It took an overdose on tylenol/codine to land me in ICU and get a new psyche dr. Although I was not taking opiates, there were still other meds I would overdo to look for a buzz. I went to NA for a while, but It just wanst working out for me at the time. I was determined to do this my own way.
I met a new psych in the ICU after my accidental overdose, and he weaned me off everything as of March of 09. I am currently taking ultram and baclofen for my chronic back pain, as well as massage every week, 2-3 times a week, which helps me take less meds. Mentally, I havent felt so clear since before the addiction to the pills. I was wondering if it was me actually enjoying life like a normal person, or if it was me on a manic episode for the summer, which is usually when I get manic. I've been trying to keep a log on when I truly get manic vs. just being in a good happy mood. I usually have more mania than depressive episodes, and all the psyche meds really induced the depression part of my bi polar.
Background in a nutshell on me: I'm bi-polar, and had post partum depression at the time my addiction began. Over the years, I have used psych meds on and off, and have pretty much lost faith in the medical/psych community at this point after all I've been through. I'm a 33 yr old mom of 2 little kids, married, and disabled (directly relates to the drug introduction and abuse).
After my first baby in 06, post partum kicked in as well as the bi-polar, which I hadn't been medicated for in the past 10 yrs and was functioning normally for me, I was getting by pretty well with jobs and relationships and just life in general. My mom died suddenly after a short illness the week before my baby was turning 1, and this turned my world inside out and started the ball rolling. I couldn't process everything that just happened in a short period of time : buying our first house, getting married, having a baby, and losing my mom along with my mental status, and dealing with a chronic and permenant back injury, constant pain every day. (recovering from a c-section, as well as my back pain too, and having no sympathy or help from my husband what so ever). I fell down the stairs at work at 4 months pregnant and because my pelvis was softening to accomidate the baby, and the way I turned to avoid injuring my baby, I injured my discs worse than I would have if I wasn't pregnant.
So for about 2 yrs, ultimately I became addicted to norco/percoset/vicoden...anything that was an opiate that I could get my hands on. I was going to pain management for the regular Rx, but getting them from another Dr. and the internet too. At the height of my addiction, I was taking up to 50 pills a day (10/300 norcos). I was also smoking pot, and doing coke randomly, as well as seeing a psyche dr who was ALL about the meds, and had me on tons of heavy duty stuff (serequil, ambien, valium, ect). One to wake me up in the morning, one for anxiety, one to put me to sleep, on top of all the extra norcos I was taking all day, every day. It stopped the physical pain, and for a long time the mental pain as well. I was taking so many meds every day, I'm shocked I didn't die and that my liver still works.
Anyone who's addicted to opiated knows the withdrawls that happen after even a few hours of not having the pills...the mental as well as the physical stuff. I had to be left alone, I couldn't deal with anyone at all, and the physical pain was unbearable. The Fedex guy was my best friend; waiting for my pills to be overnighted was the hilight of my day and then the pills were gone in a matter of days, no matter how many times I made a deal with myself, or counted and recounted them to make sure I had enough to last, or whatever I did to mentally justify my addiction.
The pills gave me so much energy to clean, cook, and just deal with life in general. If i didnt have them, I was crippled physically and mentally. I was financially draining our family, my husband worked 3 jobs and I was just charging all the pills on our credit cards.
Finally, it was to the point that I wasnt getting high anymore at 50 pills a day, and I was just taking them to make sure I wouldnt go through withdrawls. I know you can relate to this. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I knew I needed to stop, but didn't know how. I knew that I was addicted, but really didn't concider myself an addict, since it was a RX, and not buying heroin on the streets, but what I didn't realize till i went inpatient was the pills I was taking were more potent and cleaner than any heroin I could have gotten on the street. When I actually concidered getting some heroin because I ran out of pills & couldn't get any at all from anywhere is when I decided to get help. It was wrecking my whole existance!
I went inpatient for detox, it took 10 days of medical detox in a mental health hospital. Those were the worst 10 days of my life. Physically, even though they were weaning me off of them, taking 8 pills a day was like going cold turkey...from 50 pills to 8 a day was a joke! I was so intensly sick, I thought being dead would be better at this point! Shitting my brains out, sweating, being cold, cramps all over my body, nausia, wanting to just sleep but not being able to, it was the worst time of my life, and I never wish this kind of detox on anyone; the mini day long withdrawls I suffered from when I ran out of pills was no indication of what full blown detox was going to be like. But if I hadn't expierenced that, I think...no, I KNOW I'd be back on them right now.
It's been about 3 years since I detoxed from pills, and I also had to get rid of my psych Dr, since he was overmedicating me too on so many psych Rx's, that was a huge issue as well. It took an overdose on tylenol/codine to land me in ICU and get a new psyche dr. Although I was not taking opiates, there were still other meds I would overdo to look for a buzz. I went to NA for a while, but It just wanst working out for me at the time. I was determined to do this my own way.
I met a new psych in the ICU after my accidental overdose, and he weaned me off everything as of March of 09. I am currently taking ultram and baclofen for my chronic back pain, as well as massage every week, 2-3 times a week, which helps me take less meds. Mentally, I havent felt so clear since before the addiction to the pills. I was wondering if it was me actually enjoying life like a normal person, or if it was me on a manic episode for the summer, which is usually when I get manic. I've been trying to keep a log on when I truly get manic vs. just being in a good happy mood. I usually have more mania than depressive episodes, and all the psyche meds really induced the depression part of my bi polar.
Hello I have left you a message in your inbox pls check it when you get a chance.
Holliee
Holliee
wow, that is one hell of a story !!
I am surprised that you survived. 50 norcos a day.........OMG !!!!!! you prove the point that even heavy users can shake an addiction if they really want too. how you went about it, was rather odd.......but if it makes you happy and works fine......
as for the psych stuff..........seems like all those pills just become problems down the road too. staying off all prescription pills is what I have been doing, thats what I would suggest to anyone.
good luck and thanks for sharing. we know what its like.
I am surprised that you survived. 50 norcos a day.........OMG !!!!!! you prove the point that even heavy users can shake an addiction if they really want too. how you went about it, was rather odd.......but if it makes you happy and works fine......
as for the psych stuff..........seems like all those pills just become problems down the road too. staying off all prescription pills is what I have been doing, thats what I would suggest to anyone.
good luck and thanks for sharing. we know what its like.
In NA, some people told me sometimes after a person gets clean, their relationsships sometimes cant weather the change and couples often split up. I thought that if my marriage could take the rock bottom of my addiction, well, it can't go any worse, we could only get better...WRONG! Now I'm ready for a divorce, and dealing with those issues instead, weather to stay or go.
I do admit, I've never ever been a drinker, but ocassionally I still smoke weed, or do some coke, but thats pretty rare and I just keep it away from my kids and family, and limit myself to just that night, and keep tabs on it. I know relapse on the pills is always just around the corner. By no means would I concider myself clean, but at least with the huge pill addiction, I am clean. I've taken maybe 10 pills since getting off them, and seems I actually get sick from them now, no buzz, but all ****** up sick and ****** feeling. I used to take 50 pills a day and most times hold off puking till I couldn't hold it in, and after puking, I'd just take more, since I just wasted the pills I took, most wasnt absorbed yet. It was a waste of the pills.
The actual ritual of taking pills is still with me though; I didn't have to change people, places or things, since I took pills alone, at home or where ever I was, and it wasn't like I would go somewhere to do pills with my friends or anything. I was extremely isolated during all of this. The actual ritual of taking pills is something I actually struggle with to this day. I get excited to take a ******* vitamin, the actual act of opening a bottle and swollowing a pill is a trigger for me. But I still have to take my pain meds and colosteral pills every day, so I just deal with it.
I kind of like being manic at times, since I get so much accomplished with little sleep, the only feeling I can compair it to is like being on coke all the time...the buzz dosent go away and I have so much energy all the time, and this lasts for a few weeks with me. The downside is that when I want to sleep, I cant, so I might get 2 or 3 hrs a night and I'm right back to buzzing the next day.
I've given up on psyche meds for the most part as of now; I go to counsiling every week and it seems to be helping, as I just tried zoloft, because I had a massive panic attack in August. 2 weeks into it, nothing felt different, but the 3rd week, I was so disconnected feeling, andwas actually having more panic issues, and 1million times more anxiety, to the point of actually going to the dr's and getting chest xrays and bloodwork, and all of that, and suffered panic attacks while driving. OCD behaviors were becoming a massive issue, things that were NOT a problem before with anxiety were so bad, I just HAD to stop the zoloft. After stopping, I was totally fine, back to myself mentally. The anxiety is gone down to a normal level like before, and now I take xanax for that. But I have to be extremely careful because my addictive mind says 'take them for a buzz' and my rational mind says 'take them responsibily'. I've been able to stick to my Rx'd 4 pills a day, although I take one in the afternoon to calm the mania, and then 3 before bed to stop my mind form thinking. I dont get a buzz from them, per se, buts relaxation to sleep, and Im waking up feeling fresh and not groggy.
This is what I'm currently dealing with, my marriage as well as this panic issue, and the mania right now, and managing my pain reasonably without a lot of meds. It seems to be going ok so far, I don't really smoke pot but once in a while, since i get paranoid, I don't drink at all, maybe 2 times this year, and maybe like 3 drinks since I'm a light weight when it comes to drinking (the irony!), and I've done coke twice this year, and I don't think I'll be doing it in the future since I get too paranoid and Im the kind of person who will do it all at once in one sitting in one night. Its all or nothing with me, and I'm afraid of killing myself accidentally on coke, overdosing, because I have no self control, so I'll just stay away. If i see it around me, I'll do it, so better off I don't even know about it. Thats been working out well too.
So thats my story, it might not be the right way to deal, but so far, I havent relapsed on pills, and I really havent done any major drugs or alcohol either. I've been able to enjoy my summer, and my family the most in the past 5 yrs or so. I feel the most clear minded this year and actually happy with myself as a person. Ive been doing a lot of reading about things like massage, and the therapy has been helpful, being able to bounce my problems off a 3rd party who can give a non biased opinion and suggestions on things I might not be seeing. SO thats working out well now too.
This is just my story, and whats been happening in my life. If anyone wants to comment or has any questions, please dont hesitate to ask, Im very open about the **** Ive been through....its been a living hell. It can be done, getting off pills. Weather my way was right or wrong, I don't know, but so far, it's what worked for me and just how it happened for me. I thought I was a lost case, 50 pills a day, but if I can stop that, theres hope for all of you out there too.
No matter how many times you fail, don't give up....NEVER loose hope!!!!
I do admit, I've never ever been a drinker, but ocassionally I still smoke weed, or do some coke, but thats pretty rare and I just keep it away from my kids and family, and limit myself to just that night, and keep tabs on it. I know relapse on the pills is always just around the corner. By no means would I concider myself clean, but at least with the huge pill addiction, I am clean. I've taken maybe 10 pills since getting off them, and seems I actually get sick from them now, no buzz, but all ****** up sick and ****** feeling. I used to take 50 pills a day and most times hold off puking till I couldn't hold it in, and after puking, I'd just take more, since I just wasted the pills I took, most wasnt absorbed yet. It was a waste of the pills.
The actual ritual of taking pills is still with me though; I didn't have to change people, places or things, since I took pills alone, at home or where ever I was, and it wasn't like I would go somewhere to do pills with my friends or anything. I was extremely isolated during all of this. The actual ritual of taking pills is something I actually struggle with to this day. I get excited to take a ******* vitamin, the actual act of opening a bottle and swollowing a pill is a trigger for me. But I still have to take my pain meds and colosteral pills every day, so I just deal with it.
I kind of like being manic at times, since I get so much accomplished with little sleep, the only feeling I can compair it to is like being on coke all the time...the buzz dosent go away and I have so much energy all the time, and this lasts for a few weeks with me. The downside is that when I want to sleep, I cant, so I might get 2 or 3 hrs a night and I'm right back to buzzing the next day.
I've given up on psyche meds for the most part as of now; I go to counsiling every week and it seems to be helping, as I just tried zoloft, because I had a massive panic attack in August. 2 weeks into it, nothing felt different, but the 3rd week, I was so disconnected feeling, andwas actually having more panic issues, and 1million times more anxiety, to the point of actually going to the dr's and getting chest xrays and bloodwork, and all of that, and suffered panic attacks while driving. OCD behaviors were becoming a massive issue, things that were NOT a problem before with anxiety were so bad, I just HAD to stop the zoloft. After stopping, I was totally fine, back to myself mentally. The anxiety is gone down to a normal level like before, and now I take xanax for that. But I have to be extremely careful because my addictive mind says 'take them for a buzz' and my rational mind says 'take them responsibily'. I've been able to stick to my Rx'd 4 pills a day, although I take one in the afternoon to calm the mania, and then 3 before bed to stop my mind form thinking. I dont get a buzz from them, per se, buts relaxation to sleep, and Im waking up feeling fresh and not groggy.
This is what I'm currently dealing with, my marriage as well as this panic issue, and the mania right now, and managing my pain reasonably without a lot of meds. It seems to be going ok so far, I don't really smoke pot but once in a while, since i get paranoid, I don't drink at all, maybe 2 times this year, and maybe like 3 drinks since I'm a light weight when it comes to drinking (the irony!), and I've done coke twice this year, and I don't think I'll be doing it in the future since I get too paranoid and Im the kind of person who will do it all at once in one sitting in one night. Its all or nothing with me, and I'm afraid of killing myself accidentally on coke, overdosing, because I have no self control, so I'll just stay away. If i see it around me, I'll do it, so better off I don't even know about it. Thats been working out well too.
So thats my story, it might not be the right way to deal, but so far, I havent relapsed on pills, and I really havent done any major drugs or alcohol either. I've been able to enjoy my summer, and my family the most in the past 5 yrs or so. I feel the most clear minded this year and actually happy with myself as a person. Ive been doing a lot of reading about things like massage, and the therapy has been helpful, being able to bounce my problems off a 3rd party who can give a non biased opinion and suggestions on things I might not be seeing. SO thats working out well now too.
This is just my story, and whats been happening in my life. If anyone wants to comment or has any questions, please dont hesitate to ask, Im very open about the **** Ive been through....its been a living hell. It can be done, getting off pills. Weather my way was right or wrong, I don't know, but so far, it's what worked for me and just how it happened for me. I thought I was a lost case, 50 pills a day, but if I can stop that, theres hope for all of you out there too.
No matter how many times you fail, don't give up....NEVER loose hope!!!!
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Social Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
