going thru the emotions???

[reallylifer]

So first time posting on here however read alot... Its coming up i guess the  2 year mark of my BEST friends death..... overdose in my house..... after 8 months clean..I will call him GBF.. I guess the story starts out like any other...Old skool raver yes i mean old skool! He was my Best friend we had known each other since we were 10 and inseprable!!! Never kissed NOTHING your average guy and average girl BESTEST friends..... all thru the scene he never would put anything up his nose NEVER!!! i on the other hand was anyway to get it in my body.... tho never full blown at that time (addict) we graduated highschool and kept doing what we did PARTY! I would stay with him at his house and we would just talk and talk about what we where going to do I was gonna go away tocollege and he already had a great job!!! Then the accident happened...... we were at a party some dumb *** girl invited ppl from the wrong side of town and the fight broke out.... he had just bought his brand new car (god that car is beautiful) and some jerk was jumping on the hood! another friend got nocked out and was thrown in a swimming pool and then GBF asks the dude to stop jumping on his car he turns around gets a Jack Dan bottle to the forehead and it breaks ....so does his skull.... flown to the hospital 6 surgerys later and many nights of sleeping in a chair with him (the hospital let me stay) and he was gonna go home! However on pain meds..... he said he was fine and then bought a house another car and life seemed to be going back to normal. Then the changes start percs to oxy's and then snorting them....In my head as long as he was using for pain it was ok.....then he couldnt sit thru a movie with me one and i got sooo fn angry..... he was hooked on an expensive habit.... but in my head i was reasoning it....then the rumors he is doing heroin....i remember saying nah not him he wouldnt do that he owns his own house has a great job...then borrowing money from me (i was lucky he always pd me back) then i just asked him what is going on and he cried "i cant stop i get sick" I would bring him wherever he needed to go my logic at this time changed "as long as he is not shooting than its ok" crazy how this just goes and goes.. I was in contact with his family and kept them informed but then one day he asked me to bring him somewhere....a spot a baddddd spot..... i got searched and groped by men i didnt know...then going up the elevator a loud bang..get off the elevator and blood everywhere i was shaking and scarred but couldnt let that on now step over the dead body and pool of blood.....but he got his fix.......I stopped talking to him for about 8 months he felt terrible and didnt want me to be aroundthe drug use.. i read about him in the paper big drug deal gone bad multi million dollars..... he was selling his soul but only when he wanted to stop could he....by this time i am engaged have the BEST fiance ever!!! he would go check on him and keep me posted... then I got hurt.... the pain meds started and before i knew i was hooked.... in denial and not telling a soul....the phone rings and its GBF wow its been a while ...what number are you calling me from? I am in rehab.....for real this time ....can you come see me? OF COURSE!!!!! I go to all visiting days and then release comes ....mind you i am on pain meds not for real pain but to keep me going.....I pick him up take him to breakfast..... call your sponser i say....he wants to go to his house...ok but your dealer lives there..... we go..... I have never seen him this way..his whole body is trembling and he is looking at me with begging eyes for just one more... his dealer comes n and gives him 60 bucs for dog food> are you kidding me dog food that is 60 bucs.... nope ur not gonna do it... i take the money say thanks for the gas money and get him outta the house....meet up with his dad and tell him he CANNOT go back to that house... his dad says i have no room for him.... I call my fiance asking what to do....he (the saint that he is) says bring him to our house.....what man would allow another man to live with his future wife and trust that nothing was going to happen????? MINE and he was right but little did he know my dirty little secret......fast foward 8 months after GBF family called me his angel... I dropped him off at the gym and he tells me he ran into some old friends i take him to a meeting then head to work... i get a phone call he is a mess just needs to talk ....i go home he talks and i think he is ok not high i could always tell.... i asked him the next morning do you want to go to the store with me he says nah i am tired ..ok ...i come home and he is blue.....i see the needle .... i just knew what happened and should have paid attention to the signs old friends a mess the night before and not wanting to get outta the house with me... I had to call his family and tell them  ..... all the while i was spiriling outta control..... I confess to my fiance and i get help suboxone ...we get married and now  i am finally free of the fog ...although the suboxone helped i needed to do this on my own not have a crutch.... i have surgery now i have to come off the sub (at least that is what i told myself) took pain med for the first time in 1 1/2 yrs and i didnt like it!!!!!!!! WHAT 3 days only actually used them for the pain at night !!! my hubby held them in case but i really didnt need them...he now says its nice to see you smile and its real..... granted its only been a couple of weeks and i am a bit moody but his support means the world and that alone makes me smile... so 2 years and now i am actually gonna deal with it ... wow this was long and drawn out sorry

[reallylifer]

Btw I look at the surgery as a blessing! No more suboxone!!!!

[reallylifer]

Thank you!! Its hard... But at the end of the day I remember why I am getting clean...and I get to be ME!!!! Some things are easier no more sub crapp withdrawal and I feel better every day! I still visit with his family a lot and I just wish things coulda been different... One day at a time!

[ConstructionJim]

Your story really touched my heart...I don't get all misty that easy...Sad as it is, it is not alone...there are countless stories like yours...so much pain...so much sorrow.  Thank you for sharing this.  When we share our pain, whether it be physical or emotional, we gain strength from the sharing.  You are a truly blessed young lady to have such a wonderful husband.  I'm sorry for the loss of your GBF.  Peace and Best Wishes

James

[Punkinhead75]

Thanks for sharing with us. Sorry about your friend.  I hope you recovery quickly from the surgery and it sounds like you are doing the right things in regards to your recovery.  Keep up the Good work!!!