Relationships; if you could go back

[bubbles1096]

I'm wondering how much of a toll my substance abuse problem contributed to the failure of my marriage; I know it contributed to it, but wasn't the main cause, my husband walked away from me after he spent years of cheating on me, still treats it as a casual manner and he didn't think he could remain faithful and that's why he walked away (i know I sound like I'm not upset, but I just maintain the mindset whatever will be will be and I'm better off without him). but I'm wondering for other people,
if you could go back to that person you were with once you got clean and realized your addiction, would you want to go back?
Do you think your relationship would be different if substance abuse wasn't in the picture?
In my situtation, my ex-husband and I both used and we are both clean, at least that is what he tells me but I have a feeling he uses on occasion when he goes out with his group of friends. We used together, didnt' hide it from each other, or so I think, but it was extremely hard knowing I needed to change my life and quit; when I made that decision, we were still together and trying to make things work, but he didn't want to be faithful and he didn't want to quit. I didn't want to be with someone who was going to continue to use, I knew it would be a strain on our marriage if he continued to seek out drugs and he constantly had it on his mind when he wasn't using and I felt that I wouldn't be able to quit and continue not to use if he was in my life.
Now I think we could've maintained the relationship (minus the cheating aspect, I mean if he nevere did it), so do you think you could maintain a relationship after you both quit?

[Sunnyd210]

Well my ex is just a disaster. He started going out all the time and doing coke alot of course by the time I realized how bad things were it was completely out of hand. He was cheating on me for months and I seriously thought I was crazy until I found out the truth of course. He had one night stands all along but this was a full fledge affair. I almost had a nervous breakdown I really did and I kept taking more and more pills just to function. He actually just had another baby with a girl who is 12 years younger than him and treats her even worse than he ever treated me if you can believe that. Its only a matter of time before he finds another "fun" girlfriend. He also has 2 kids older than my 2 that live in another state that he pretends doesnt exist. Sorry I know im rambling now lol.

[bubbles1096]

sunny,
I felt like such a failure....and i let the pills take control of my denial and my doubts about him. i shuttered from what my instincts were telling me to do. i took the pills to not feel what i was feeling. I can't justify why he did what he did, things were more than great for us personally, i know i can be a good wife...lol....but he's one of those guys I guess. His father cheated on his mom  and had a life long mistress and several girls along the way...and there's a long family history on his side, so I guess it's normal to him and he planned on his life, his wife's life and his children's life to be like that....sorry, not in my book...i like the dog, the station wagon and the picket fence. I know that's fairytale and every relationship has its ups and downs but he blatantly caused problems and wouldn't resolve them.

[Sunnyd210]

Im not sure if this is the right answer to ur ? but I think alot of my pain addiction came from breaking up with my husband who also cheated. I took vicoden before that but it never got to the point it was until we broke up.

[bubbles1096]

I hear ya on that one, it was very hard for a few years knowing what he did, but since the divorce, i have forgiven him, i had to for my children's sake and at least to maintain communication for our children. but i do not let my guard down; I'm sticking to the old saying, 'once a cheat always a cheat' for this guy. i was literally heartbroken when i was served the papers...and i walked around like i was stabbed in the chest with a dull dagger for three months or so....it wasn't clean and easy like it was sharp...moping around and feeling sorry for myself.
but now that i've been through what i've been through, i probably would've filed within the next year or so, we were enabling each other and my #1 priority is the safety and well being of my children, mentally and physically and laugh or not, the divorce really was a kicker to come clean.....i was afraid i might not get what was right for my children even though we agreed on a custody arrangement immediately but the court system did put us through the ringer.

[allaboutmary]

Relationships are hard enough, but throw addiction into the mix and chances are not good.  I do think you could maintain a relationship if both people are clean, but it wouldn't be easy.   Sorry but sounds like you did the right thing.......cheating husband ...not good.